Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[WigWamBam]

Thanks mm, that really makes a lot of sense. I know that it's just the depression talking but I sat on a wall for an hour in the snow on Friday night rationalising with myself over how easy it would be just to take all of my tablets, and how everyone would be better off without me. I sat up at 2am this morning counting them all out and really just wanted to never wake up again - my heart still thinks that would be best and that everyone would be better off without me, but my head is more in control now and I know it's just the depression talking. I want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself out of this but I just can't.

I'm so scared of telling dh everything, I don't know how he would cope. I don't want him to be angry with me, or scared of what I'm turning into. I just want him to understand and not to pretend that it's not happening.

[WigWamBam]

Thanks, essbee, hope you're feeling a bit better today.

[RTKangaMummy]

When does DH get home?

I am really glad you have had replies from others who know what they are talking about

I really want to help but not sure how to

I am sending you cyberhugs {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

[wobblyknicks]

wwb, can't really add anything to all this good advice but sorry msn has kicked me off and I can't chat and please please tell DH everything, even if you have to spin it so it doesn't sound like you've kept loads back. He needs to know how you feel before he can support you 100%.

[marthamoo]

I promise you, WWB, that this world would be a poorer place without you. (((HUGS)))

[WigWamBam]

Oh, I wish I could believe that, mm, I really do.

[JoolsToo]

wwb - just want to add my support to all the others. Have also suffered with depression - its awful, the mind is a powerful weapon - but you're in charge!

Can't give any better advice than has be given already - as they say - a day at a time - your dd and dh need you.

lots of >

[nightowl]

wwb...i just know im going to ramble here so i apologise before i start! everything you have described is familiar to me. the horrible feelings of being a burden, of "bringing people down" etc. ive been on anti ds on and off for the last 8 years or so..and ive suffered with depression for as long as i can remember. i developed a coping mechanism long ago..it was a kind of "screw the world" thing. how i am on here is not how i am in rl. in rl i put up a front...people dont think i hurt, dont see me crying at 2am in the morning. ive been called a "cold bitch". ive been told i "take no shit from anyone". friends think "oh shes ok, she'll bounce back". i put up that front to stop myself from getting hurt but actually it worked in the opposite way, because i had more and more horrible things thrown my way, with no-one caring because they thought i could cope. it ended up where i was so low (only a couple months back) that when i did desperatly cry out for help my friends dismissed it and didnt take me seriously. because its me, and i can cope. but i couldnt. i sat and counted out the pills too. i only took ten thankfully before i woke up to myself and thought..."can i really do this to my kids? do i really want to die or do i just want someone to realise what im going through?". its not whinging although i admit, i get the guilt trip about it...i often think thats how im seen on mn...but then theres so many here who recognise that feeling, i guess being paranoid is just a part of depression...and the embarrassment i always feel after ive posted something desperate on here. you are not a burden, people will not be better off without you. you are a loved and wanted person who just needs a bit of understanding and help with an illness. am i right that you live reasonably close to me? if you want to meet up sometime would that help? in fact, i think you already have my email address if you want to chat at all, im a good listener xx

[jabberwocky]

wwb, please hang in there. The low moments do pass although it doesn't seem like it at the time. Some people take a while to find the right meds. A friend of mine went through several prescriptions before something clicked. Go to your dr. and be totally up front with how low you are. I would think that 6 months is enough time for this drug and perhaps it is time to switch to something else? I so, so sympathize with where you are. I have been there before (only I call it my black well instead of pit ). Please just keep talking and posting.

[RTKangaMummy]

How do you feel this morning WWB?

[amynnixmum]

How are you feeling today WWB?
Thinking of you. Keep posting and talking to us.
Remember you are not alone in this.
{{{hugs}}} xx

[Mothernature]

WWB thinking of you this morning hope things are feeling a little better, did you amnage to speak to dh?

[actualisedad]

Hi WWB. Just wanted to say...thinking of you, hope you're okay, welcome to Tuesday , you are not alone.

[dinosaur]

WWB was thinking about you a lot in the night when up with my DS3. How are you today?

[Chandra]

WWB How are you today?

[WigWamBam]

I'm a bit calmer and less desperate this morning but still very down and feeling numb and empty. I suppose feeling nothing at all is better than feeling how I have been feeling but it's still hard. Life is making me weary, and I'm not sleeping which doesn't help.

I haven't spoken to dh yet, he's still away and I didn't feel right telling him all this stuff over the phone, he will be back either tonight or tomorrow night and I will try to talk to him then.

[Mothernature]

Oh honey I hope dh is home tonight for you thinking of you xx

[Blu]

Hi WWB. Just saying 'hi' this morning, really! Not surprised you are feeling numb and weary - it is very tiring going through what you have gone through in the last few days. Also, you do have a hell of a lot of burdens in your own life. You are clearly one of the family 'rocks'.
I am a bit like that. Are you the oldest sibling? My Mum always comes to me in a panic about Dad's illness, her marriage, SIL's illness...and I never, ever feel I can tell her about my upsets and worries. No member of my family knows I was on ADs or even depressed. They just experienced me as snappy.

XXXXXX

[anorak]

Yes, Hi from me too, WWB. Yes blu, I'm the eldest too.

[WigWamBam]

Yes, I'm the eldest - I hadn't even thought about it like that before.

[kizzie]

Hi WWB - was just logging in to check how you are today. Glad you're feeling a bit calmer - even if just a bit. Hang in there!!
(I'm the eldest too!)
Kizziex

[RTKangaMummy]

hello WWB

{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}


xxx

[WigWamBam]

Hi KM xx

[RTKangaMummy]

hellooooooooooooooooooooooo