Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

[anorak]

No one is going to take your dd away from you.

When I used to feel like this I found it helped if I made myself eat properly and get plenty of rest. Sometimes I could get over a bout in a day or two if I rested when trying to push myself resulted in it lasting a week or two.

[Chandra]

Oops, crossposted.

WWB This is ridiculous! tell the receptionist that is a real emergency and you need to talk to a doctor (even on the phone) as soon as it's possible. Is it possible to ring NHS direct? Be asured they won't take your DD away, you need help at this time and are perfectly capable of taking care of her.

[iota]

WWB I really feel for you - mum mum suffers badly with depression from time to time.

Have you thought about ringing the Samaritans? You might be able to talk to them even if you can't talk to your family?

[Chandra]

WWB, where are you located? from your surgery's arrangements to make appointments I'm thinking maybe we share the same doctors...

[MummytoSteven]

No they won't take your daughter away from you if you go to A & E. It's far better to pro-actively seek help

The one thing that has amazed me in my dealings with psychiatrists when PG/after having DS is how much they focussed on ME and my welfare, and didn't intrude/question how I was doing with DS, taking it as read that he was getting along fine(as distinct from HVs etc).

[MummytoSteven]

chandra - you don't live in the same area. (unless you have moved in the last year!!!)

[LoubieLou04]

Please talk to someone anyone friends or family I know it must be hard but I'm sure they'll understand how brave you will have been to tell them. And you never know it my feel like the first step of finally sorting out these feelings and taking control of the situation. I have looked up the Samaritans number why not give them a call 08457909090 they will deal with others who feel the same way everyday. Just get talking.

[WigWamBam]

I can't fight it anymore, it doesn't seem worth it. I don't want to come off the ads because they did seem to be working and things were getting better, but this is horrible and life like this is horrible. I had awful side effects when I first started the ads so have been reluctant to come off them and try something else in case I get the same problems with a new one, but I know I have to do something. It just doesn't seem worthwhile at the moment, nothing seems worthwhile. I feel so stupid for feeling this way because it's not really me, if that makes sense, but I've forgotten who the real me is and it feels as if I can't get her back. Trying to stay normal is so hard, it's not worth the fight anymore.

[Chandra]

Thanks MTS, if you know somebody who can be of help in the same area please let her know.

[BearessLite]

We haven't chatted before but I have been to the same place you are in now and I know how scared and desperate you feel. Please please go to the hospital later when dd is at nursery and ask to see the duty psychiatrist if you think there is no way you will be able to get into the GP before tomorrow evening best case scenario. Could you ask for the GP to call you, or could you call your mental health trust and ask to speak to a community psychiatric nurse? I'm sorry to be blunt but I think you need urgent help and the system is failing you, could you try calling the GP again and say that you are having suicidal thoughts, bet they fit you in then.

[amynnixmum]

WWB please please hold on. Talk to your DH or write him a letter or show him this thread. He needs to know how you are feeling.
I took citalopram when i had depression and it didn't suit me either. It took nearly 8 weeks to work and during that time i also had horrible side effects. I came off them after 6 months and the depression came back and like you i was anxious about going through all that again so I talked to my Gp and he put me on venlaxine instead. This suited me much better - started working within a few days and virtually no side effects.
I know what you mean about not feeling like yourself.

[amynnixmum]

Sorry venlaflaxine.

[LoubieLou04]

I had a friend who commited suicide last year he was only 26 and alot of it was to do with money trouble of all things. Knowing his family and friends it still upsets me to know that if only he had said something things could be different. There were so many people who cared but he seemed to have forgotten

[WigWamBam]

Dh knows about the depression, he just doesn't know how bad it gets sometimes, and he doesn't know that I have OCD as well, how can I tell him that I've been hiding such a big thing for so long?? I know that you're all right, you are saying exactly what I would say to someone else in the same position but it's so hard to see things so clearly when it's your own situation and when you feel you're losing it. Dh is away for a couple of days so I can't talk to him yet anyway.

[Mothernature]

Can you not email him or phone him later? you can't keep it away from him any longer you need to tell him.

[MummytoSteven]

there are lots of AD drugs around, some of which might suit you better than citalopram, side effect wise. eg. when I started prozac most recently, i had a mildly dodgy tummy for a fortnight on and off (nothing incapacitating tho) and that was that - alternatively you might just need to up your dose of citalopram slightly.

you need to break it up into chunks of time - just getting through each day until you have managed to get some more help from the medics.

[Blu]

Honey, if ADs have helped in the past, they will help again. Lots of people had to try a couple of times to find the right one. I took Cipralex, and felt transformed straight away.
You're poorly - let's get you made well - and then you WON'T have to feel like this any more.

Where do you live, WWB?

[MummytoSteven]

WWB - I've suggested this one before on the OCD to you - a bit of white lying to your DH- that you've only recently realised that it was OCD, not just part of the depression - obsessive thoughts can be part of depression/anxiety rather than OCD anyway.

[Bonkerz]

hiya babe, sorry you not too good today. can you email me your address and maybe i could come over? Take you and dd out for lunch tomorrow?? if you wanna talk you have my number ok. (((((hugs)))))

[anorak]

It is worth the fight. It doesn't feel like it to you at the moment, but think about your dd.

Would she ever get over losing her mum? You would be condemning her to suffer from the same illness you are struggling with. I know you can't do that.

Life, and the real you, are waiting just around the corner. Please keep fighting, you know deep down that it is always worth the fight, and that when you really miss the real you, it is time to find her again.

[RTKangaMummy]

WWB I have only just seen this

Sorry you are feeling like this

Don't have any experience of different AD drugs so can't help with that

Wish I lived closer so could meet up with you and DD

But am always here for you, my MSN isn't working very well atm but you can try to get it to work when you want to chat.

You are the best, you really are a wonderful person IMHO anyway

Sending you cyberhugs{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}

[WideWebWitch]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way wwb.

[Niddlynono]

I wish I had some nuggets of wisdom to share with you.

You say that your DH deserves a 'proper' wife - he married you 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health' - even if they weren't the vows you actually spoke. And you obviously love your DD despite the fact that you feel that you're not being a good mummy to her right now.

Two of my friends have lost a parent to suicide and even now, approximately 20 and 6 years on, every day they still go through the range of extreme emotions from anger, guilt and loss to obviously tremendous sadness and the most special days of their lives since, including getting married and having children of their own, have been saddened by the fact that their parents weren't there beside them to share their special moments.

Obviously you can't see a way to escape how you're feeling at the moment but people do recover from depression, even after the darkest of times. Please don't give up. A happy, fun and fulfilling life is just around the corner. You just need to make your doctor or whoever take notice and also get the loving support and understanding from those you trust.

I can't begin to fathom how desperate you must be feeling and pray that you're able to find the support that you need, for your sake and the sake of your loved ones.

[WigWamBam]

Thank you for all your messages this morning, they have quite literally helped me to get through this morning an hour at a time - at one point a minute at a time. I know that some of you have been, or are still going through, some terrible things and it humbles me that you can still find it in yourselves to support someone else. There are some truly special people here.

I feel embarrassed at having posted really, at not feeling able to cope on my own and having to offload onto other people when really you all have problems of your own and don't need some stupid woman like me adding to them. Thank you so, so much for taking the time to try and help, and for being there when I needed you.

I have been out for a long walk in the park to think things through and to give myself a good talking to and a shake, I'm feeling calmer and less desperate now, as if a storm has passed, but I feel cold and distant, and numb inside, as if I'm not really here. The tears have stopped and I don't really feel anything at the moment. I'm going to go and lie down and sleep for an hour until I have to fetch dd back from nursery, and see how things feel then. I have an appointment with the GP on Friday, although I will try them again in the morning and see if I can get an emergency appointment before then.

Thank you all for listening.

[Blu]

Well done WWB - it sounds as if walking really helps you - that's good.
Just keep posting - it must be hard with DP away, and you KNOW no-one would think you were a burden - get real Missus!