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Original poster

Life doesn't feel worth living any more

376 replies

WigWamBam · 28/02/2005 09:49

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 01/03/2005 16:09

do you know how to put an attacthment from email on here without putting email addresses

Original poster
WigWamBam · 01/03/2005 16:10

I'd just cut and paste it, tbh

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 01/03/2005 16:12

I tried that but won't work

will have another go

back in sec

RTKangaMummy · 01/03/2005 16:50

no it won't work

RTKangaMummy · 01/03/2005 16:52

sorry for hijack

marthamoo · 01/03/2005 21:09

WWB, been thinking about you today too. I'm glad you're a bit calmer - I always feel very "flat" after a bad bout: it knocks you for six. Are you going to talk to your dh when he gets back?

(((HUGS)))

actualisedad · 01/03/2005 21:11

Hi WWB.

Dior · 01/03/2005 21:20

Message withdrawn

maomao · 01/03/2005 21:37

Glad that you're feeling a little calmer today, WWB. Hope all goes well talking with your DH.

RTKangaMummy · 02/03/2005 09:48

Hiya

Original poster
WigWamBam · 02/03/2005 09:53

Hi KM. Still feeling crap today, dh got home about 10pm last night and I tried to talk to him, he listened but didn't hear, if you know what I mean. He just asked what he could do, and because he can't solve the problem, he changed the subject. I don't know what I expected really, but if I can't reach him with what I need to say then what can I do?

OP posts:
Mothernature · 02/03/2005 09:59

Morning WWB, maybe easier if you write him a letter, he will have to concentrate for that and maybe take in more than you talking to hime iykwim, sounds as though he's not aware of the powerful feelings that are trying to take control..hugs xx

bundle · 02/03/2005 10:01

hi wwb, i haven't posted on this thread before but hope you don't mind me intruding. if your dh doesn't listen would it help to write things down? maybe a column of good feelings/bad ones and the things during the day which made you feel worse/better? sorry if i sound like i'm clutching at straws (I am!) but just trying to help, xx (and maybe he could write things down too - about how he feels when you're like x, y or z, and what he thinks he could do to help..oh i'm just rambling now..)

RTKangaMummy · 02/03/2005 10:03

I am not an expert but think I have read in a book that men can't cope with a problem unless they have a solution to it.

like a squeaky door they can do because they plane it or oil it

IYSWIM

but agree about writing a letter for him to read may help

What do you think?

mummytosteven · 02/03/2005 10:05

i know that my DH tends to do that to with stuff he can't just "fix" - sometimes they do need to be specifically told - just give me a great big hug, and say - so sorry you are feeling like this/that things are unfair/that x is so rotten type of thing

RTKangaMummy · 02/03/2005 10:05

Is he at work atm?

Original poster
WigWamBam · 02/03/2005 10:12

KM, I think you're right - he can't fix it so he's doing what he would do a with a problem at work - he's drawing a line under it and letting someone else deal with it. Half the problem is, I don't know what I expect him to do. I know he's behind me all the way, but I could do with him being beside me or leading the way, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
pipsy1 · 02/03/2005 10:14

I think there are so many people who feel exactly like you do. I suffer too and it has helped me so much just posting on here knowing I am not alone. I know exactly what its like to feel a failure, I too keep it a secret except from GP and DH. He, as has been described, can't deal with it without action - ie more ads and that is not always the answer. He tries to be supportive but doesn't always know how and that only makes me feel worse. I have had to come off ads while TTC but I would suggest you need different medication. There are so many fab medicines out there that really can keep things in check. Everyone is here for you never forget, i have cried many tears over lovely MNer comments.

RTKangaMummy · 02/03/2005 10:18

Is it decision making that you want him to do more of?

Even simple stuff like what you are having for tea?

Or what you are going to do on his next day off/weekend?

I am really clutching at straws sorry cos I haven't any experience

actualisedad · 02/03/2005 10:47

Hi WWB!

Thinking of you, and your family.

RT's avice is good - men do tend to want to fix a problem, and he can't fix how you are feeling, can't fix your illness - but maybe he can fix things around the depression, by making decisions that you just aren't in a place to make right now. That would help him feel he is contributing something positive to the situation, and it would make things easier (if not happier) for you. It's a platform for getting through this (like the ADs are, too), and a way he can express his love and support...

Original poster
WigWamBam · 02/03/2005 10:48

I don't really know what I expect him to do, but I expected him to at least listen and try to understand, maybe even tell me what to do next or ask if I wanted him to come with me to the GPs or something. I told him about the suicidal feelings I've been having, but when he felt that there was nothing tangible he could do to help he just changed the subject and it makes me feel that he's not taking me seriously. Perhaps he's frightened - I know I am - but not talking to me has left me feeling as if he doesn't care. I'm sure he does, and that it's just hard for him to cope with, but a hug would have been nice. If he is frightened or doesn't understand then saying so would have felt better to me than just having it all brushed under the carpet.

OP posts:
hub2dee · 02/03/2005 10:51

Hi WWB,

It sounds like you're feeling a tiny bit clearer this morning which is good. There have been far too few smiles on here, so I'm sending two to you now:

I'm sure you're feeling

But nonetheless, I repeat my

Blokes can be quite like your dh. We like to come up with solutions. Maybe one thing he could do is to attempt to give the GP surgery a little bit of grief and pull your appointment forward. Either by phone or in person at the practice. It is something concrete to do. Deep voices (sadly) sometimes have surprising impact.

We are also good readers, so if you can bare it, print out your very first post and give it to him to stew over. And print it out for your GP. Written words, entering through the eyeholes might work differently to words entering through the earholes.

I noticed that your walk yesterday helped clear your mind a bit, and being a bloke, I would suggest that if it works, repeat it!

Do you have a thermos ? Do you have some hot choc ? Do you have a warm sweater ? Nothing better in this crappy weather. How about arming yourself with the flask, and wrapping up really warm, and going out for another walk - however long or short. It's not going to magically make everything better, but the crisp air, and a place to sit can be very calming and provide a good change of scenery.

I love birdsong. Is there a decent park / safe foresty place / animal zoo corner type thing within walking distance ?

(Not sure we've chatted on MN before, and I hope I'm not just coming across as a patronising and rude bore who Doesn't Understand). One last thing, explain to your GP what you said to the receptionists when you called on Monday, and the appointment they offered. S/he will probably make sure that doesn't happen again.

motherinferior · 02/03/2005 10:54

Oh H2D, what a good suggestion - I second the idea that a Bloke Voice on the phone can have a magical effect on available slots

Take care, WWB, honey, I've not posted here but have been thinking of you and FWIW I've been really struck by your ability to deal so well with feeling so sh*tty.

Dior · 02/03/2005 10:55

Message withdrawn

RTKangaMummy · 02/03/2005 10:56

OH dear

perhaps he is frightened I don't know

hopefully someonehere will have ideas how to get their DH to understand

So did he say he wouldn't come on Friday?

Who is going to look after DD while you are there or is it while she is at nursery?

Did you mention anything to your MIL?

Do you get on with her?