Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

[dinosaur]

WWB you are not a "stupid woman" at all - you sound very intelligent, thoughtful and perceptive (imho!) and I am sure you will get through this bad time.

Sorry not to be much help, but all the best,

Dinosaur

[wild]

WWB sorry things have been hard for you. You are a 'proper' wife and mum, don't doubt that. You have lots of people wishing you the best on here and I bet lots of love in rl too. Hope things mend and good luck on Friday.

[Niddlynono]

So glad to read that you're feeling a little more positive this afternoo and that you've booked an appointment.

We're all thinking of you.

[Blu]

Yeah, WWB - I had depression - anyone want to call me stupid? eh? eh?

[kizzie]

WWB -like some other mums here I have been where you are the moment.

Please please try and focus on the fact that these negative thoughts you are having are not the 'real' you - they are the depression talking.

You are doing exactly the right thing by trying to get through each hour or even minute at a time.

Write yourself a list of things to do tomorrow - accepting the fact that you wont WANT to do any of them.

Think of things that take hardly any effort but might just pass some time. Dont expect to feel 'better' but maybe just 'less bad' for a few minutes. Things like - pluck your eyebrows, watch 'countdown', post on MN, look at the pictures in a crap magazine etc etc.

Make everything you HAVE to do as easy as possible - and dont fell guilty about it. Just treat is as though you have something physical like a kidney infection.

This WILL pass - try and hold onto that.

Ring the doctors again and lie if necessary. Tell them you've spoken to the samaritans and they have advised you to speak to someone today.

Believe me - drs receptionists get demands to speak to a dr for far less serious problems.

How are you feeling now?
Kizziex

[RTKangaMummy]

WWB I am glad that going for a walk has helped a little

Please please keep posting

Even if it is just to say that you are still feeling the same as the last post.

There are lots of people here who care for you

[anorak]

Just want to say as others have said, that you are not stupid, useless or worthless...these are all things that the evil depression makes you think. I also used to be depressed. Are me and blu stupid then eh? .

[Bonkerz]

glad oyu are feeling a little better. We are all here for eacvh other and i hope oyu let us support you . I owe you alot and if you need me just let me know and i will come ok. Wish i had your address now so i can send oyu flowers like oyu did for me. Take care babe

[expatinscotland]

WWB,
Exercise has been scientifically shown to have a positive effect on depression. If you can get out for a half hour brisk walk daily, I promise you will see the benefits. Ditto doing a yoga or other exercise vid/DVD at home. It really, really helps.

[amynnixmum]

Glad you're feeling a bit better. We care because you are obviously a truly special person yourself and you have brightened many a day for me with one of your funny posts and wacky sense of humour. I'm sure others would agree with me that someone will always be here to listen when you need to talk because we know how bad the really bad days are and wouldn't wish them on anyone. {{{hugs}}}xxx

[actualisedad]

Hi WWB. We've not "met" - I'm new to mn - but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you are going through.

I suffered from depression throughout my teens, relating to stuff I experienced as a kid, and including suicidal nervous breakdowns aged 12 and 17. At that point, I was finally able to tell a friend, who linked me with a child psychiatrist, who in turn helped me talk to my parents. No-one knew - well, they knew I was unhappy, but not the extent of it. Just getting it out in the open helped, a lot. So did ADs, and a sympathetic GP (I'm so sorry your practice doesn't appear to be sympathetic - when I moved cities I got a useless GP who thought I was making things up - any chance you can move practice?). And I found out that loads of other people were going through the same hurt, and, like me, all thinking they were the only one.

It took about another two years to get well again, but I haven't suffered from depression for 14 years now. I have a wonderful dw, dd and ds, and I'm so thankful for the support that pulled me through. At the moment, dw is on ADs, which is really hard, but we're doing well with support from fantastic friends.

Depression is an illness, and needs to be treated as such; but it is an illness that causes us to feel so, so isolated. It doesn't help when we are isolated, and by the time we are depressed it is really hard to make the first move reaching out to others. But you have been so brave, and the response has been overwhelming. Sometimes we need other people to carry us - and that's okay. Some of us have some idea of what you're going through, and some of us might not, but, we care. And though that isn't tangible (even when we aren't depressed!), it makes a difference. Hang on in there. You're not alone.

[WigWamBam]

Bonkerz, you don't owe me anything, you really don't. Thanks for the offer, I'll call you when I feel up to it - although I don't want to bring you down as well, you've had enough to deal with lately.

Anorak, Blu, of course you're not stupid, I wasn't talking about people with depression, just the way I'm feeling. You are both intelligent and articulate women and I wouldn't dream of saying you were stupid.

I have to go and fetch dd now, another brisk walk, but thank you all for caring.

[anorak]

Of course we know you weren't saying we were stupid, WWB. We were just trying to show you you're not! And everyone is glad to read your messages and say whatever they can to support you. If they didn't want to post, they wouldn't. After all, that is why we all use this site - to be there for each other

[MummytoSteven]

hope the fresh air helps a little. carry on post. carrying talking to us. there are lots of us who care about you.

[maomao]

Sorry to hear that you're going thru such a dark period, WWB. It's good that there are knowledgeable and supportive people on MN. I just want to reiterate what others have said here, that it's not self-pitying bleating. You are a very strong and courageous woman.

xxx

[WigWamBam]

Anorak, I know. Sorry, can't find much of a sense of humour today.

I just keep sitting here staring into space, stupid thoughts churning around my head and still feeling empty and numb. Actualisedad, you're right about the isolation; I have few RL friends or family who are anywhere near me, and the isolation is crushing. Actually reaching out to others in RL is almost impossible, and my family have enough to cope with at the moment (my dad has cancer, my sister is a violent alcoholic, so I can't add any more to my family's burdens). I'm just thankful that I can offload here and that there is always some knowledgeable, supportive and kind person willing to reach out.

[MummytoSteven]

there was an amusing rude thread earlier that might have given you a few minutes laughter, but I think the best bits got deleted, regrettably - on chat about bleaching your arse(!)

it sounds like you've always felt you had to be "the strong one". even if you don't feel you want to lean on your family for support, there can be a release just in saying - No, I'm not fine, No, I feel crap, actually. Tho I hope that your parents would be a good support for you atm.

[LoubieLou04]

Had to come back on to MN this evening to see how you're getting on have been thinking of you all day. I've had a look at all the messages you've been left on this thread and think there are some really special caring people out there who want to see you get well. So keep talking to us all whenever you need us. And go and give that dd of yours the biggest hugs and kisses you have.

[actualisedad]

WWB - "my family have enough to cope with at the moment": I'm sorry , truly; but there's this whole extra burden we take on when we take the "I need to be strong, for others" line, or the "I can't turn to them for help because they have their own problems" line...And you don't need that on top of everthing else.

Do you think that you could talk to one of those few RL friends? And what about dh? Would it be easier to talk with dh if a third party was there too (may be not, but it helps for some people)?

[WigWamBam]

Actualisedad, my dh calls it picking up someone's monkeys - I do tend to take other people's problems onto myself, but at the moment my family really is having too hard a time to take on my troubles as well. I don't have many friends that I would actually want to offload onto; my friends are all miles away and really not close enough now to be able to talk like that. The one person I have always been able to talk to is in hospital at the moment having had brain surgery so can't help either.

Dh knows about the depression and I think he is aware that it's getting worse again but he hides his head in the sand a bit; I tried to talk to him the other night about it and ended up walking out to try to clear my head but when I got back he wanted to talk about anything but my depression, was acting as if everything was fine, and didn't really want to talk about it.

I don't want people making a huge fuss either, which is why I try to put a mask on and hide things when I talk here or in RL, and I think if I talk to my family about it, it will become a huge issue. It is a huge issue to me, but it doesn't need to be to anyone else - I don't want pity, I just need some support, and trust me, my mother would just run around like a headless chicken and make matters worse. At least here there are people like Anorak, Blu, MTS and others who will empathise and support, but who will also tell it how it is, without wasting pity on me. Being pitied makes me feel even more worthless than I do already.

[actualisedad]

WWB:
On mothers - mine has a gift for "making matters worse"...

On dh - as a dh whose dw is on ADs, it's pretty scary to watch her struggling with depression - feeling totally powerless to help, and feeling like I should be able to help, so not being able to makes me a failure as a dh (okay, rationally I know I'm not, but...), and that makes me want to withdraw from dw when she needs me most . Head in the sand is a classic response to fear in us men, not just ostriches! I know we're (men) not good at talking about stuff like this, but it really helped me to be open and talk to other guys (guess what? it turned out their dw's either are or have been on ADs - but I'd never have found out) Does dh have anyone else he can talk to?

On pity - I don't think you'll get much of that round here, but you're right about the empathy and support. mn is a God-send.

[WigWamBam]

Thank God for Mumsnet, eh? It's the pity from my mother I couldn't bear, I don't expect it here which is why I feel able to offload here.

It's interesting to hear from a husband's point of view how having a wife with depression affects them; mine won't talk to me, although I think he's been offloading onto his sister a bit. It doesn't help that he buries his head in the sand, it makes me feel that he's unsupportive when I know that he wants to support me, but hearing it from your perspective has made me think that perhaps he's just frightened and doesn't know what to do to help me. He's not normally an "ignore it and it'll go away" sort of person, but perhaps this is just a bit too close.

Thanks for trying to give me a male take on this.

[actualisedad]

Obviously I can't speak for your dh, but having talked with several other guys I think I can safely say that what was going on inside me wasn't unique...

At one level, knowing that doesn't change anything. But it might make a difference somehow. And I'm glad he's able to talk to his sister, though I wish that he could talk to you too. Hang in there!

[marthamoo]

WWB, I've been there too. It's the most horrible place in the world. You've had some fantastic advice on this thread and I don't know that I can add much to it. But can you try and hang on to the thought that all these feelings: feeling worthless, suicidal, feeling the world would be a better place without you in it - are all part of the depression? They are not you. I can remember feeling like that too - I honestly thought dh and ds1 would be better off without me (didn't have ds2 then). Ds1 was about 18 months old and I remember standing in the kitchen, with my hands in the washing up water, rationalising it - OK he would miss me for a bit, but he'd soon forget me, he would have a better life without me around. I look back at that and I think how could I have thought that? How could I have even contemplated leaving my baby - he needs me, just like your dd needs you. When you get past this dreadful black place (and you will get past it) you will be able to look back in the same way. You articulate how you are feeling so well - reading your words has really brought so many feelings flooding back for me. I wish I could just pick you up and lift you out of it. It is so hard - but you just have to keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other. As you said yourself, sometimes one minute at a time because a day at a time is too hard.

I have been on anti-d's more on than off for 8 years now (since ds1 was born) Imipramine initially, then Prozac, and since ds2 was born - Citalopram (40mgs, am down to 20 mgs now). It has helped me a lot but it does make you feel quite disconnected from your feelings. As others have said though, it may be that Citalopram is just not the right anti-d for you. I don't know how you can do it - I've been lucky to always have very good GPs who have listened to me - but you need to tell someone who can help you just how bad you are feeling. If your dd needed a life-saving medication you would shout until you got it - you have to do the same for yourself. Is there someone who could go with you to the GP and be your advocate? I'm thinking of your dh - but you would have to tell him everything and I know how hard that is. When I told my dh I had been having suicidal thoughts - one of the hardest things I have ever confessed to - he was really angry with me. Looking back I know that was because he was frightened - he didn't know who I was any more and he was scared because he still had to go to work and leave me alone every day. But telling him was the right thing to do.

You will get through this - I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix it for you but I can't. Please get help and keep posting.

[WigWamBam]

It sounds a pretty common response, and to be honest, now that I'm thinking a little clearer, it does make a difference. There is a fair chance that he's not deliberately ignoring the problem and knowing that helps.