Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

[JanH]

WWB, I had no idea you suffer from depression, you always make me laugh too - I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and I hope all the sympathy and advice here will help get you out of your trough. XXX

[WigWamBam]

It's good that people are here and will listen to my self-pitying bleating - thank you.

I'm just so tired of trying to carry on as if everything is normal when it's not. No-one in RL knows any of this apart from dh and my GP, I'd feel so stupid and useless having to tell people, and having them know I've been lying to them by trying to hide it.

I thought I could just keep plodding on but I can't, I can't do this anymore. I can't even think straight at the moment.

[wobblyknicks]

You're NOT bleating and NOT lying. Everyone tries to carry on as best they can until they really can't, people will respect you for that. And its vital that you talk about it, you're not bleating - just think of the number of times you've listened to me prattle on!!!

[amynnixmum]

Talk all you want on here. Its not self pity or bleating. I wish I had known about mn when i had depression.

[Blu]

WigWamBam - I suffered depression for a couple of years - have just recovered, thankfully. I hated that feeling that everything that emmanated from my thoughts was nasty and dark, and needed rinsing out before I could make it public. Keeping up a 'front' was exhausting. Keep talking about it on MN - you are still 'you' - the intelligent, funny, perceptive and principled WWB, and it sounds to me as if you need much more help than you are getting. I took Ciprolex - and I'm just re-starting the excercise routine that boosts my endomorphins and dissolves my stress. Is there something that fills that function for you?
Hold tight, and keep posting -
XXXXXXX

[WigWamBam]

I'm a better listener than I am a talker, wk, I find this really hard. I feel as if I'm bleating and self-pitying, I don't really have anything to be depressed about but still it's there. I know it's chemical, I know I can't help it, but still I can't shake the feelings.

[MummytoSteven]

it's not lying. you aren't under any duty to tell people you know; more a case of carefully selecting anyone that you do tell for someone that'll be constructive/sympathetic

[wobblyknicks]

I know you find it hard but it really isn't self-pitying. If I came on tommorrow and moaned because I had gastric flu no-one (sensible) would accuse me of bleating and in many ways depression is far worse because you can't just take antibiotics and it won't suddenly work its way out of your system. You don't need anything to be depressed about, you just are.

[MummytoSteven]

depression gives you the exact opposite of rose-tinted glasses - more of a horse manure type filter for you thoughts - i.e. you feel that everyhing you do is awful, you are awful, everyone despises you etc

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[amynnixmum]

It was the same for me WWB. I had (and still have) a good marriage, 2 healthy happy children and a decent standard of living. I had nothing to feel down about but that didn't make any difference. I actually felt guilty that i could not enjoy all the good things about my life when other people have real problems to deal with. I also felt that I should be able to cope and not need to ask for help as i had no reason to feel depressed. In spite of the fact that there was nothing specific in my life (past or present) that appeared to be contributing to my depression it still helped to talk about how i was feeling. Talking to the counsellor was good as she never judged me and I could say anything to her and not have to feel guilty or worry that I might hurt her with what i had to say. There may be a long waiting list for therapy but if things are this serious for you then you should be treated as an urgent case and put to the top of the list.

[WigWamBam]

I do feel as if I'm awful, everything I do is awful, dd deserves a proper mummy, dh deserves a proper wife. I know it's the depression talking but it's the only voice I can find at the moment. I have no worth and no value, and really can't see the point in anything anymore.

[Chandra]

WigWamBam. I'm sorry you are feeling like this at the moment, I believe I can not add much to what has been already said but one thing that has helped me a lot while I feel specially low.

I have noticed that there are days when I feel far worse than others and near to a panic attack even if I don't have a single reason to worry. At those moments I feel traped in this mood and wonder if the thing would ever go away. Then after some hours I feel better (even if it's just slightly).

To accept that I will feel miserable for some hours makes the bad moment go away faster, as I don't put extra worries (like if I'm helpless, which can take me to think that I'm beyond "repair". etc.) on top of my bad moment. It's a bit like accepting that is raining, that I can't do anything about it, and that it will go away sooner or later. It's just an understanding that I'm not a nutcase but that my hormones are playing nasty games for a few hours. HOWEVER, you can only try this if you are under the correct dose of ADs, and it seems to me that your dose may not be enough or maybe you need to try another medicine. Please have it checked with your GP, if this person doesn't seem to be taking your concerns seriously enough make the appointment with another GP even in the same practice. Many, many hugs in the mean time.

[Titania]

oh hun...I really do know how you are feeling...really i do....i really feel for you right now. Please if there is anything I can do, let me know. I really think you should go back to the doctor. do you have msn?

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Mothernature]

Quote: dd deserves a proper mummy, dh deserves a proper wife... wwb you really do need help you are a proper mummy and a proper wife, your ill, your going through a bad stage, your going to get help and sort yourself out NOW...imagine how your dd would feel if you were not there for her in anyway...as she was growing up, imagine your dh not being able to share thoughts and feelings when dd is growing up, going out with her first boyfirend, her wedding or the birth of her first child...please please please make that appointment today.....Now get on the phone NOW...

[WigWamBam]

I can't get an appointment until Friday, I prefer to see my own GP as the last time I had to see someone else he asked why I was bothering to come to see the GP every month and wanted me just to have the ads on a repeat prescription, which my own GP won't do. My GP is at least sympathetic to the depression and happy to discuss meds and so on.

The rational side of me knows I'm being illogical in my thinking, but at the moment the depression is winning and I can't shift the illogical thoughts. Up until recently the blips I've had have been quite minor, just feeling down for a couple of days (the GP likens them to holes in the road - it's a long road to getting better and the blips are just holes along the way) but the last couple have been really bad and have lasted for a couple of weeks at a time. It's so tempting just to take every tablet I can lay my hands on, lie down and go to sleep, then it will all be over and I won't have to be like this anymore.

[MummytoSteven]

oh no WWB. I've had that happen too with another GP in the practice - got a bollocking for not just asking for a Prozac repeat when I wasn't aware that the practice would even allow me to do that - it would be nice if docs could use a bit of lateral thinking that if you are depressed the last thing you need is a bollocking for something that's not your fault!!!

is there no way you can kick off for an emergency appointment, or are the receptionists all dragons? if you want to e-mail me, I am happy to have a stab at getting you a quicker appointment if that would help.

you do sound ever so desperate love - do you have an A & E or a NHS Walk-in Centre anywhere near?

[amynnixmum]

When you feel that bad try taking it one day at a time, or one hour or even less if you need to. Can your surgery not fit you in as an emergency before then.
I know things feel hopeless now but they will get better. At least you are talking about it now even if its just to us. xx

[Mothernature]

Friday is a long way off are they sure they cannot get you in before then?

Speak to you dh, I'm sure he would be gutted to find you have been keeping this to yourself...if you cannot face telling him write him a letter, telling him how you feel, tell him everything, print off this page so he knows how you are....please please please...the tablets are there to help you get on with life not end it. Put temptation out of your mind and start to plan how you are going to broach the subject with dh....love and hugs mothernature.

[WigWamBam]

Receptionists are dragons, I've just cried on the phone trying to get an appointment and even then the earliest I can get is Friday, although if I ring tomorrow at 8.30 I might be able to get an emergency one tomorrow evening. I can't get to a walk-in centre easily, and I'm scared that if I go to A&E and ask for the duty psychiatrist they'll take my dd away from me.

[Chandra]

WigWamBam. IS there any walk-in center in your area where you can be seen without the appointment? is there anybody you can ring to keep you company at least for some hours? Please try not to think about the illness (I know it's difficult) try to concentrate yourself in something that distracts you from those thoughts.

[WigWamBam]

I have to take dd to nursery later, I shall go for a long walk then to try and clear my head. I'm going to get rid of all the old ads I still have in the house from the previous times I was prescribed them but wouldn't take them so that at least they are out of harm's way and I can't do anything stupid, I don't trust myself not to.

[amynnixmum]

They will NOT take dd away from you. If you go and ask for help you are showing them that you are a good mum and want to get better so you can enjoy life with her. Are there any mnetters near you who could help you with transport etc. I live in Poole but i don't think that's anywhere near you.

[dinosaur]

WWB I hope you don't mind me butting in on your thread, especially as I don't think we have even chatted on mumsent before but I just wanted to say that I am concerned about you and thinking about you. Any mumsnetters in your area that you could meet up with?

And believe me, your DH and your DD WOULDN'T be better off without you around. PLEASE don't go down that line of thought, PLEASE.