please help, am losing myself here.

[losingmyself]

I have gone against myself here...I never name change unless obvious, but this time I have to.....to protect someone else and protect me.

I have a very very good friend who is in a very painful place right now. I have been helping her a lt, being there for her as much as possible, altho I am not the only person there for her I realise that.

yesterday she told me something so painful tho, and it has opened pain in me this time too as it is very close to similar that I have been thro as a child. I know how hard it was for her....and what she is going thro at the moment is so so painful that she too is losing herself.

problem is, this is something I cannot help with, she needs better support than me, I am not that person. I am not the person she needs, and I hate to say it, for this, she needs professional help and help removed from the love and care I feel for her, and I do, I feel for her deeply.

but she has triggered someting in me.something I have worked so so so hard to deal with, and something my best and closest friends no about, and also, some of which I have spoken about on here as I am not actually ashamed of what I have been thro. EVERYTHING I have been thro in my past has happened (often extrordinarily shittily I admit), for a reason. I often say that we may not kn ow the reason for that shit for years, but it happens, and it makes us who we are. I may be spouting shit there myself, but it is a belief that helps me and one I stick to.

but I am me, I like me, and I have a DH and children who love me and need me whole.......and right now I am on the edge of whole.

I am shaking here.

I have had such an awful night of dreams, actually trying to chop me up so I can put me back in a 'perfect' way......as I am not feeling much of myself right now.

I have let down my friend, but I cannot be there for her right now, I need distance, but how can I do that.....that will not help her.

and how can I help me without losing me, I have worked so damn hard all these years with my soulmate there with me (DH, even tho he does have his faults).

help, really am losing me here, and I can;t. I simply can't.

thankyou all for your responses. I am so very grateful for your input and care.

I am a wee bit scared at how obvious I might be. I clearly am either a person who has no layers to hide under, or am as I am in RL on here too....., is that good??

for the the thing I am alluding to, regarding my pain over what my friend shared with me, you will not find it here, or anywhere on MN. it was a RL conversation, and one that will cause her great pain if I explain. I am nothing if not a friend who can keep a confidence. suffice to say, it was a shock and it raised pain of mine.

I am not in any way rejecting her, I am just taking time to heal..........if I don;t, then how can I truly honestly help. I will damage her much more than she needs.

she knows how I feel about her, I have told her, and that is still there. but, right now, I have had to build a wall.

when it comes down, who can tell............but, for me and my family and 'my mates' (all three it seems, altho only one I know and can work out), I am ensuring I stay the mother/wife/friend to them that they know and love and need.

I cannot spread myself too thin, and I think I may have been for a while now. that may be why I reacted so strongly the other day....who knows.

as for my RL issues...........it is nothing to do with on here. it is other stuff that includes my children and my safety encroaching on everyday stuff.

thanks all.............xxxxxxx

((ps, I am not for deleting this right now. if I do, then given how obvious I am, if I need further support, I can;t 'hide' anyway. better I keep this, and therefore the name difference, as a wall ready for me IYGWIM))