please help, am losing myself here.

[losingmyself]

I have gone against myself here...I never name change unless obvious, but this time I have to.....to protect someone else and protect me.

I have a very very good friend who is in a very painful place right now. I have been helping her a lt, being there for her as much as possible, altho I am not the only person there for her I realise that.

yesterday she told me something so painful tho, and it has opened pain in me this time too as it is very close to similar that I have been thro as a child. I know how hard it was for her....and what she is going thro at the moment is so so painful that she too is losing herself.

problem is, this is something I cannot help with, she needs better support than me, I am not that person. I am not the person she needs, and I hate to say it, for this, she needs professional help and help removed from the love and care I feel for her, and I do, I feel for her deeply.

but she has triggered someting in me.something I have worked so so so hard to deal with, and something my best and closest friends no about, and also, some of which I have spoken about on here as I am not actually ashamed of what I have been thro. EVERYTHING I have been thro in my past has happened (often extrordinarily shittily I admit), for a reason. I often say that we may not kn ow the reason for that shit for years, but it happens, and it makes us who we are. I may be spouting shit there myself, but it is a belief that helps me and one I stick to.

but I am me, I like me, and I have a DH and children who love me and need me whole.......and right now I am on the edge of whole.

I am shaking here.

I have had such an awful night of dreams, actually trying to chop me up so I can put me back in a 'perfect' way......as I am not feeling much of myself right now.

I have let down my friend, but I cannot be there for her right now, I need distance, but how can I do that.....that will not help her.

and how can I help me without losing me, I have worked so damn hard all these years with my soulmate there with me (DH, even tho he does have his faults).

help, really am losing me here, and I can;t. I simply can't.

grrrrr.

I smash this bloody laptop us. It keeps doing that.

I'll go now....

pmsl LTH! (talk about attention seeking eh?)

I agree with her, btw losing. The attention seeking demanding posts on here really irritate me, because at the end of the day, i think it's pretty bloody selfish to demand the emotional time and energy of a group of people who a) often have their own problems and b) don't have the qualifications or support for themselves that supporting such a complex problem requires. Do you know what I mean? I'm not having a go at you - you're obviously an amazing person and a very giving one, or you wouldn't've started this thread, but I do wonder if the time has come to take a step away from the whole issue and gently suggest that your friend seek professional, issue-specific help.

BTW - I think I may have guessed who you are. Your posting style in the OP gave it away. Feel free to CAT me.

how are you today losing? sorry i was'ta round last night.

You know i know who you are

I am here......did school run and then had to go out.

my mate is here with me too.(losingsmate that is)

LTH, never fear, you do know the 'real me', and going on what dryad has just said, (ie, my posting style....I try to hide for real and I am still fairly obvious), I did wonder if you had worked me out!

this is part RL, part MN related. and it has shaken me up.

that is not to say I don;t still care about who I am talking about, it is just that I don;t trust that I amd the right person for her anymore, and so, for my own protection now I need to make a space for me to mend again IYGWIM.

MoM, I am ok.....ish. bad night again, but issues raised separate from this were hit upon yesterday. shaky today too......think today is everything!!!

LTH, hope you head is not too sore from the self slapping!!

Urban, yes, I am listening to you and know that you are not having a goxxx

thankyou all

xxxxx

If you are talking about the person I think you are, I doubt that any of us would be the "right" person. Sorry to be blunt again.

I am around most of the day if you need me to be and aside from being a bit woeful today, my boxes are quite heavily weighted for now

have you ever had counselling before for these things? would typing them out make any difference? even just a sense of "getting it out"?

we, and she, know you care, so don't worry she has asked the right people for help recently

(gosh this is hard!)

dryad. I suspect you may be right.

MoM......

I am off out for coffee with my mate right now, but I will be on again in a while so thankyou.

I had some councelling a while back, it touch on the issues but there was no delving. it was NHS offered as well, so not long term......IIRC I had just 8 sessions, maybe 6.

I do need to sort it one day, but right now, I have the new stuff starting and also the children and DH to concentrate on, so it will be in the future.

losing - feel free to CAT me. If we are talking about the same person, there are issue-specific centres she can go to which bypass the NHS and are designed to help people with her problem.

Have a latte for me!

you sound like you are making excuses.

I know that your children (and their very busy lives) and your DH come before you and i also know that your boxes are part of you and it would be like losing an arm but those lids will never stay closed unless you (and anyone else reading who has boxes of pain) deal with them enough to keep the lid on.

UD, i think the person has already been in touch with those places or at least has the contact numbers for them

Am woeful because i went to Flashdance The Musical last night and realised that i have left it too long to get back into dancing -oh well. it's a choice that i made and looking back it was the wrong one but DP needed chance to pursue his dreams too.

Sometimes it is the hardest decision to back away but the right one for all concerned, tho total communication shut down can mean making contact later on much harder, much better is communication with rules like the weather, what was for dinner while hurts are treated and feelings of guilt/pain/anger/despair are worked on.

I hope you feel yourself again soon.

dryad, I do not as yet have cat set up.......my mate will help me tho I am sure

MoM.........yes, excuses, you know me well

matnan.......if I have done communication shut down it is for no other reason than self preservation right at this very moment in time.

I know my friend is at the moment having some wonderful support.........it is not me admitted, but right now, I am not the right person and I fear that I could do more damage. in fact, make that terrified. I am not able to help, and so I am not ready to try.

I will make contact again, I care too much not to, but right now, if I don;t make steps to protect myself I really truly will lose myself, and as I said in my OP, I can;t, just can;t!.

I have a family that needs me, and a DH that loves me deeply. they have seen how draining all this is on me, and how much I have tried to help, and yet the trust is not forthcoming from my friend.......some is there, but the painful stuff only right now. there is no trust with larger things, and that hurts deeply.

but, I am not inhuman, and so I will not shut down for long, but, for now, I need to heal me inside before I can think of helping my friend. If I did not, then I am scared that meltdown will occur, and with children involved, that is too much of a risk. you cannot risk childrens lives.

thankyou tho so much for your concern.

didn't mean my post to sound judgemental but that does seem to be the tone that was felt and for that i am sorry, i know how hard restarting communication can be when only 1 side is hurting and as both sides are hurting it could be harder.

I fully understand that to help another heal you have to be in a solid place yourself and not being in that place but still giving help & support is very tough.

YOU are very important to many and you are taking the steps you need to get back to a solid place and i wish you a speedy journey to that place.

dammit, i knew i should have come back when i got in last night. i even sat at the PC and wondered to turn it on(at 1 in the morning)

I am glad that you are putting you first please will you ask your friend to teach you how to do that thing?

matnan, apology accepted. I was rather thinking it a little off, but then, I was (and still am to some degree), feeling very sensitive over it all.

also feeling a little , if I am obvious to who I am 'normally', then does that mean that it is obvious who I am talking about, and does she see and read this??

oh, I don;t know, I am weepy right now anyway. I started CBT this week over issues going on in RL, and it is making me overthink things anyway. my friend sharing with me what she did, and when she did, hit me SO HARD, right in the gut, and it shocked me...........I never thought my feelings could be got at in that way. so right now, I am vunerable and so distance is needed as otherwise I might break and that won;t help anyone.

plus, dwelling constantly on one thing is terribly terribly damaging as you lose sight of all reality..........not good, and not something I am willing to get into.

I am obviously dwelling on my issues, hence this thread, but then again, it is not all day constant and as I have name-changed, there is a wall between me here and me 'normal'........helps enormously

MoM...........you are so lovely and caring, but don;t beat yourself up over not being here last night. I know as well as you know, our own feelings need to be there for the people immediate in our hearts and lives, and you have a family yourself to think of, as well as you

As you say YOU & YOU are both YOU just different bits of you

That you are dealing with the issue in RL is the important thing, as to the other it isn't obvious.

Losing - I just wanted to give you an honest view as an outsider to the various threads. It is very obvious who you are and very obvious who you are talking about. I cannot imagine that if she hasn't already seen this, that she won't stumble upon it at sometime or other.

I don't know enough of what has gone on in RL to know whether that matters to you or to her, but I just thought you should know in case you share something here that you would rather not have linked to your 'real' name

I agree with soapy Losing.

I figured you out straight away and therefore your friend. Just to warn you. Not sure if you want to have this thread deleted.

Losing myself, a simple suggetion but one i might chose...to write to your friend and explain gently that you love her so very much but feel that you would be better placed to help her when you yourself are feeling stronger. you might want to be a support to her but what is the point to a broken crutch?

so important to heal yourself and not get lost in others lives however much you care, and you obviously do so very much. maybe you should give yourself the time and space that you are so generous in giving to others...you deserve it

Losing, I also agree with Soapy and Buda - very very obvious as to who you and your friend is and yes I think it is very likely it has been "read".

I hope you start to feel better soon. xx

Hang in there, you are no use to anyone unless you look after yourself. Any friend of yours would understand that, friends know when to ask for support and they know when you can't give anymore and need to be put back on the 'battery charger of life'. Get those batteries re-charged and then look after yourself first. And in the true spirit of MN ((((((((HUGS))))))))

I'm a relative newbie and I echo what Soapbox and Buda have said, even to me it is very clear who you are and also who your friend is.

More than that, a quick search of threads reveals the issue you are talking about.

tis 'me' but it depends which 'me' you think it is!

people seem to be guessing here who who is which is fine i guess butwhat is the point of that? losingmyself was trying to get stuff out she is hurt she needs to put herself first she was asking for support, seems a bit odd and defensive that people appear to want to out her does it matter who is who are we all that nosey we need to search threads does that not invade privacy for both?
losing myself dont feel down true friends will always except it when a person needs time and by the way you wrote you need to fix you leave the support to those who can help and remember this is a chatroom i as you or your friend could be anyone and their problems may not be as real to them as they seem too you there is only so much you can do then real life has to step in go and sort your real life
and yes curiousity got the better of me i did search i may know who you are there again i could of got it swrong no matter which it is really though just remember you have to come first and virtual friends or real life ones second sometimes doesnt make you less the friend. and if they stumble on it then they can see you cared enough to start this thread.