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Original poster

Onwards and Upwards - the cvq/ns support and hot chocolate thread

984 replies

Habbibu · 06/09/2008 20:33

Since we've nearly tipped the last one over the 1000 posts mark, here's the new thread for cvq and for her friends to help this lovely lady to keep on getting better.

OP posts:
needsupport · 08/09/2008 22:43

ta.have had a shitty day.feeling quite shit about me tonight tbh.have beena crap daughter today and actualy a crap friend aswell.j is only just going to sleep.im tired.fed up and angry with me!

differentID · 08/09/2008 22:47

You shouted at your mum?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 22:48

twice today

differentID · 08/09/2008 22:48

it happens. Have you apologised?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 22:51

yes.my mouth is full of humble pie.dont stop me feeling crappy though.i do try not to take things out on her but tonight it was the straw that broke the camels back tbh

differentID · 08/09/2008 22:53

it wont stop you feeling crappy, but did you let her hug you afterwards if she wanted to? Mum's know exactly how to wind you up without realising don't they?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:00

kind of.ill get her some flowers tomorrow i think.she coped it this morning because i was in a state and she had gone to the corner shop without telling me.so when i looked for her she was nowhere.i was mad she had gone and not said anything.totally irrational now but not then.

and ive been a crap friend aswell but thats something completly seperate.

differentID · 08/09/2008 23:03

((hugs))you're trying to get through a dark time at the moment, was it anything you think it could break a friendship over?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:08

god i hope not
but thinking back now i wish i hadnt said what i did.but i have and i cant take it back.it was unfair.i didnt say anything nasty or rude though.but something painful to me.cant say anymore than that but i need to do something to make things right.

differentID · 08/09/2008 23:11

Only you know what that is my sweet. It probably seems like you only seem to be apologising for stuff, but it will pass. Promise. Your friend will understand.

differentID · 08/09/2008 23:13

Two bunches of flowers tomorrow?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:17

i wish i could give her flowers but i cant
think i will email and take a step back from her for a few days

differentID · 08/09/2008 23:19

give her a chance to sort her thoughts as well?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:23

yes.i wish id carried on keeping it all in my head.
it felt right and now it just feels so wrong.i actually feel like ive crossed a line or something.

thumbwitch · 08/09/2008 23:25

Hi NS - for you that you are feeling shitty tonight - I wish I could wave a magic wand over you and let you see that you are NOT your behaviour. Your behaviour at the moment is dictated by your feelings of sadness, but just because your behaviour isn't all you would like it to be, you are still a lovely caring person. you are you, your behaviour does not define you.

It would help you a lot if you change how you write from "I am crappy daughter/ friend" etc. to "I behaved in a crappy manner" - this is NLP psychology at work and helps you to separate your behaviour from your being.

Sorry if that is too heavy for now - file it away for future use!

Flowers for your mum are a lovely idea - how thoughtful of you! I'm sure she will appreciate them a lot.

differentID · 08/09/2008 23:26

have you thought some more about having a hidden word file as a journal?
Yes your friend will be upset for a short time, but she will come around. If you apologise for hurting her feelings, you won't need to say sorry for what you said because it probably needed to be said at the time. The important thing is that you will have apologised.

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:30

hi thumbwitch
but that excuses my behaviour doesnt it.i should be responsible for my behaviour shouldnt i?

no not heavy.maybe it will help me sort things in my head at some point.
i just seem to spend most of my time fucking things up at the moment.its almost like ive forgotten how to be a human

differentID · 08/09/2008 23:33

if you apologise for hurting her feelings now, you can apologise later on for the words used when you have had a chance to get stronger. It doesn't excuse your behaviour, but it means that you will have offered an apology, which is very important if you want to keep hold of your friend. And I think she is important to you, otherwise you wouldn't be as aupset as you are.

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:35

important doesnt even come close tbh

differentID · 08/09/2008 23:39

I know it's really hard at the moment. It will take time to rebuild the closeness but an apology will make the world of difference. I've been there myself.

thumbwitch · 08/09/2008 23:46

no lovey, it doesn't give you an excuse for your behaviour, it just means that you are NOT your behaviour.

There is a world of difference in your brain's response to
"I am crap"
as opposed to "I did a crappy thing".

The first one creates a more permanent fixture in your head, and makes you thiknk this is part of your character, hence the bad feelings and need to beat yourself up.

The second one allows you to accept that you did a crappy thing and now you can move on from it because it was a temporary behaviour, not a part of your character.

See, if you were a crap daughter you wouldn't be thinking about how you have upset your mum or how you can make it better - so you are NOT a crap daughter, you are a GOOD daughter who just had a crappy behaviour moment. Same with your friend - you are a GOOD friend who just had a crappy behaviour moment. And if she is a good friend to you, she will know that and will accept your apology and understand that you are in a bad place where you are not in complete control of your behaviours at the moment (and that is ok too)

hope that helps clarify it a bit more?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:47

i think im very selfish at times and dont take into account anyone elses feelings.but i dont do it on purpose.

god im actually really upset here

thumbwitch · 08/09/2008 23:49

oh pet, why? because of today or because you are thinking bad things about yourself?

needsupport · 08/09/2008 23:51

both and theres no one on msn i can talk to either

thumbwitch · 08/09/2008 23:51

selfishness in terms of other people's feelings means that you still wouldn't care after the event.

This is NOT you. You DO care, therefore it is not selfishness, it is momentary thoughtlessness.