Onwards and Upwards - the cvq/ns support and hot chocolate thread

[Habbibu]

Since we've nearly tipped the last one over the 1000 posts mark, here's the new thread for cvq and for her friends to help this lovely lady to keep on getting better.

I feel for you, I really do. It is a horrible feeling to have, that they just don't want you there. have you been told not to come or have you made that decision for yourself based on the attitudes of your family in general?

I would definitely send your grandad something. If you haven't had contact for so long, you never know, he might be happy to hear from you. After all, if your nan's spirit took the trouble to come and visit you and j, for whatever reason (but probably to check you were all right and say goodbye), then maybe your grandad will also be thinking, hey life's too short for this crap - I wish we hadn't been so hard on her. CLose relative deaths can have that effect on some people.

Anyway, if you aren't sure of his reaction I would avoid phoning, but do send him something, even just a note.

I wouldn't move again if I were you - instead get caller display for your landline phone (I think they cost about £20) so you know if it's your mum and you can choose whether or not to answer.

Be strong lovey - you are doing well and I know it is a dreadfully upsetting time for you at the mo. Light a candle for your nan adn say a prayer for her soul - and one for your grandad while you're at it. You can be the better person here - you already are.

(((((((((((purple fluffy hugs))))))))))))))

thankyou
i want to go but i cant go because of family members.i cant say anymore really.
but i thought i couldnt be hurt amymore.now wrong.
so monday they will all be together and ill be here alone as usual thinking of how different things could have been.
she called my mobile.
its too late to change things with nan but id give anything to be able to see grandad again

Hello there, I saw your thread about wether to send a card or not, I think the general thing with familes is that they don't send cards to close family members if they see each other but if they don't see each other then a card or letter is ok.
I had over 100 cards when Steve died, because of difficulties with steves family we didn't. Get any cards from them at all.
If you feel you can then write a letter to your grandad, tell him the things that you remember it will bring him great comfort and will be very special for him to keep and re. Read whenever he wants too, I know I read our cards a lot and it helps me to remember how loved Steve was/is.
If you can't write and send a letter, write one and don't send it, thatmight help.
I am sorry that you have this to deal with on top of all the other stuff.

then definitely send him a message - even just saying that you are so sad that you didn't get to see your nan again and you don't want things to go the same way with him.

Now - another trick - I might have told you before but no harm in repeating myself.
You have a choice here -- you can either pick a space suit or a greenhouse, whichever you prefer. Either way the essence of the trick is the same. I will assume greenhouse for the sake of writing it clearly.

See your greenhouse in your mind. It will be made of all glass, and the glass is indestructible - bomb proof, blast proof, bullet proof, fire proof - everything. The more detail you can see of your greenhouse, the better. You can have whatever you want in your greenhouse (in mine there is a deckchair, a stack of books and a few dusty ol geraniums) - flowers or no flowers, no plants or lots of greenery - whatever you want. Again, the more detail the better.

Now, I want you to see yourself going into the greenhouse and closing the door. Lock it if you feel you need to. The greenhouse will then form an impenetrable barrier around you - you will still be able to see, hear, breathe and feel as normal, but NOTHING will be able to get at you through the glass.

People in this life can be energy vampires/ leeches. They shoot out poisoned darts at us and make us leak energy, which they then feed off. Your mum has done this tonight - she shot you and you are haemorrhaging energy because of it, some of which she will have sucked up when you were on teh phone to her. The greenhouse will protect you from this energy vampirism - every day when you wake up, go into your greenhouse and shut the door - and you will find that you are much stronger through the day because no one will be able to steal your energy.

If you choose the space suit instead, make sure that you can see what colour, material, size and shape it is - the more detail the better.

And remember sweetie - you are not alone, you have j. And you have the best opportunity in the world to build a new family for yourself, a lovely and loving one, without all the toxicity that has gone before.

More big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you - am going to have to go to bed now cos have eaten too much chocolate and am getting a headache
night night
xxx

oj thankyou for taking the time to read and respond.i still dont really know what to do and tonight my head isnt in the right place to make a final decision.it feels like mum has sucked my energy just as thumbwitch was saying.although i dont feel weak i feel sad and angry at the same time iukwim.i dont deserve to be spoken to how i wasalthough the more i think about it the more sure i am that dad has had a hand in this somewhere along the line.i wish it was him being buried mondaysorry if anyone finds that offensive.its just my thoughts.

thumbwitch i will try the greenhouse thing when i finally feel able to lay down.thankyou xx

ok meds are kicking in so will lay down in my greenhouse now before i chin the laptop x

hello sweetheart...

i've missed whatever has happenned with your mum, but i've picked up the gist of it....

i'm so sorry you're having more bad times...you really deserve better than this lovely girl.... but...unfortunatly, shit happens... maybe you need to go through this to come out of the other side...maybe there is a reason why you are taking this troubled path through life...and maybe it will all become easier soon....

oooh. all a bit deep there for a saturday morning.

i hope you rested ok, and that your greenhouse is still standing

again, apologies that i'm not around again...but honestly...i'm there in mind if not banging around on the keyboard.

have a happy day cvq. x

Morning CvQ, hope you had a restful night, here's hoping to a better day.

xxxx

no.restful night whats that?
still dont know what the hell to do

Do what is best for you

The sun is shining why don't you get j and yourself out into the garden for some fresh air?

Just to let you know - they have sorted the shifts out at work without me having to change mine - yeah! and the plus side is they have given the chiller cleaning to the person who is doing the said shift that needed filling (just means I lose half hours pay because I do not need to go in early to do it) but hey I can live with that!

Right, back to housework!

what is best for me will no doubt be deemed the wrong thing to do at somepoint.so its not really about what best for me its about what is the right answer to this mind game i have been entered into unwillingly.and because i didnt know i was entering inot it i will be screwed whatever i do.
do nothing and be screwed.do something and be screwed.
and who said everyloser winsget them here and let me kick em in the nuts!

darling, what do you want to do. Do it, and then move on .............

if your mum or anyone else thinks it was not the right thing - so be it, let them be bloody minded, switch off.

i want to have been in the loo and NOT picked up the phone

right i think ive made a decision
i think the best thing is for me to try and pen something down thats not going to be too heavy.send and just wait.

i think that is a good plan CVQ, you don't have to write lots of stuff just to send your grandad some words of comfort will i am sure help you and him too.
take care.

thanks oj x

is anyone here

you still up lovey? are you feeling ok?

noive had to come downstairs becuase im seriously stressing.i cant be near j when im like this

stressing about your nan and the funeral? or other things too?

Have a drink of something nice and warm - hot choc if you've managed to buy some more, or weak sweet milky coffee if not.

Then I want you to do the greenhouse thing, and while you're in there, I want you to remember a specific good time with your nan. Go through it in as much detail as you can, remember what she was wearing, how she sounded, how she looked - what you were wearing, how old you were, what you were doing together. Hold that picture in your head, then frame it. If you think you would like it in your greenhouse then put it in there, otherwise put it somewhere else.

If it makes you cry more, that's ok. It's good to cry when you're grieving, it's totally natural. You're probably adding in some grief over the loss of your family too - and that's also ok.

i have worked myself up in to a real stupid statei feel quite panicky and stressed nd i can not stop these tears and i really need to be upstairs with j inase he wakes up but right now i cant go back up because im vee=rging on not keeping controland i need to sort myself out before something els takes hold but ive been tring and i can sort myself out.god im really missing having someone here when this happens

cant sort myself out

i bet you are. Have the drink, take a looooong deep breath or 3.

In fact, do it now.

Breathe in through your nose, counting slowly to 4. Hold your breath for a count of 4. Now breathe out through your mouth, counting slowly to 4. Repeat at least twice more.

Close your eyes while you're doing it and imagine you are in a cloud of warm purple haze. The haze is lavender flavoured and will calm you down.

im trying bu i cant do because i cant stop crying long enough to hold my breath

start with a count of 2 then - and work your way up. The breath-holding is the bit that will slow you down and bring calmness back, so it is important - but bit by bit. If you are really having trouble, get yourself a bag to breathe into - that'll slow you down.