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Mental health

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Original poster

Could do with a hug

87 replies

Lonelymum · 12/02/2005 19:40

Dh is leaving tomorrow to start new job. Won't see him all week (and it is half term so I will have 4 kids to myself all week). So what has he spent all day doing? Sulking because I spent the morning helping out with PTA jumble sale and all afternoon until now he has watched rugby and football on the TV. I feel so sad and anxious, but he isn't caring. Don't get me wrong, he is a good man really and I am not attacking him, but he is giving me the TLC I need right now.

OP posts:

misdee · 12/02/2005 19:41

go and join him on the sofa for a cuddle.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 12/02/2005 19:42

He is not having any of it.

OP posts:

misdee · 12/02/2005 19:46

oh.

have you told him you'll miss him.

some men think we can function perfectly ok without them and wont miss them, others get annoyed if we cant. which is he?

Original poster

Lonelymum · 12/02/2005 19:51

Oh he knows I can't function without him. I hate one night away but FIVE! I have never done this before (must sound pathetic to you because I know your dh is in hospital, but this is how I am). I suppose he is a bit annoyed I am making so much of his absence. Afterall, he has a new job to worry about. But I am not good at being the solid rock at home that he can rely on and I do think, whatever his feelings, a little sympathy and cuddling on the night before he goes would be in order.

OP posts:

misdee · 12/02/2005 19:58

not pathetic, i found it very hard when dh was first in hospital, and felt very lost. just its been 3years now of getting used to it, and even now i feel lost at times.

berolina · 12/02/2005 20:41

Am too tired to say anything intelligent or helpful Lonelymum but have a hug from me.

SPARKLER1 · 12/02/2005 20:43

you asked for a hug so here you are

Aimsmum · 12/02/2005 20:47

Message withdrawn

LapsedGymJunkie · 12/02/2005 20:51

Sounds like he is less happy about the situation than you are. Give him his head, let him have the floor (so to speak)

God forbid you should end up in Misdee's situation, God forbid any of us would, but if you had to, you would cope. Do the big brave soldier and take your payback next week. Breakfast in bed, shopping even if it is only window shopping on your own for an hour or so next Saturday. Have been down this road before and he is worried/uptight despite what he says. Maybe he needs the TLC this time.

mummygow · 12/02/2005 20:52

Lonelymum I read your thread the other day about your fear abouth the kids getting sick - dh may just have lots on his mind - obviously the new job - but he will miss you and the kids too and his home comforts and maybe he feels a sense of guilt leaving you knowing your fear, but maybe he is having a fight in his own head that he has to work to support his kids but he is very upset leaving you knowing how you feel. I do know how hard it can be to talk these things through - slip him a wee note telling him you love him and to meet you in bed (turn it into a laugh)

((((hug))))

Original poster

Lonelymum · 13/02/2005 08:30

Wish I had stayed up long enough to read these messages. Unfortunately, I went up to bed and dh didn't join me until goodnesss knows when (I was asleep). Now I am up with the kids (even though yesterday dh said he would get up today) and he is still in bed. We haven't spoken! I know you are right that he is under a lot of strain too at the moment, but don't underestimate my feelings either! Your messages made me cry.

OP posts:

mummygow · 13/02/2005 08:42

Goodmorning Lonelymum I know today will be hard for you but try not to let him go with this tension between you - make him a cup of tea or coffee and take it up to him

LapsedGymJunkie · 13/02/2005 14:24

Hey sweetheart, I didn't mean to make you cry.

But my DH worked in London and we lived in North Yorkshire. He used to leave home on a Monday(at silly O clock) and come back on a Thursday or Friday evening every week for nigh on ten years. We used to argue on Sunday, either he would engineer it, or I would.

Then we worked out it was the fact that we were dreading the seperation and that is what sparked us off. From there on in we made a point of saying, this is how I feel, I have XYZ on this week and you are not here. Or he would say I have XYZ corporate entertaining to do, and I have to do it on my own. (In the good old days of corporate entertaining) .

What I am trying to say is, we found the middle ground, after a lot of talking.

Hope you are feeling better.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 13/02/2005 14:42

I didn't mean to make anyone feel they had said the wrong thing when I said I cried. Maybe it was because you said the right thing!

Dh is still not talking to me, in the real sense of the word anyway. I suppose he just does not know what to say and he knows that there are no words he can say that will be right for me. I just don't want to be left with the children and that is all there is to it.

I don't know how you put up with that life for 10 years LGJ. I hope you have something better going now.

OP posts:

Aimsmum · 13/02/2005 14:51

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Lonelymum · 13/02/2005 14:53

Yes, leaving tonight. He is already packed. I had thought of asking him to stay tonight and leave early tomorrow morning, but I know that would not be good for him (he is starting a new job tomorrow and could do with being fresh in the morning).

Thanks for saying you will be around this week. It seems very quiet here on Mumsnet since Friday - I suppose other people are off enjoying themselves on holiday.

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Original poster

Lonelymum · 13/02/2005 14:55

Meant to say also, Aimsmum, you must be incredibly dedicated to do all three things at once. If I waste a day on Mumsnet, it is only my housework that suffers (and the children if they are home).

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Aimsmum · 13/02/2005 15:05

Message withdrawn

dramaqueen72 · 13/02/2005 15:29

lonelymum, i hope alls going better now? i'm so sorry you feel so sad and worried about being alone, i used to be married to a forces man and believe me its always awful when they are leaving/just left. but it gets easier i promise, before you know it it will be thursday and you'll be busy tidying up and grinning cause he's nearly home. i hope you managed to speak well before he left, if not a quick cheery 'will miss you , sorry i was so off with you but good luck' kinda phone call/text may help. just know you cant live the whole week on an off note bet he was nervous too, and it just never comes out right when both of you are anticipating something like that.
hang in there (((hug)))

Original poster

Lonelymum · 13/02/2005 16:21

Feeling at my worst now as he hasn't gone yet but is about to. I feel I am going to cry myself dry. I know it must get better (no-one could carry on living with this terrible misery and fear) but I am not sure how long it will take me to feel a bit better. I know one thing though: I will not stay here a minute longer than I have to so tomorrow morning I will be onto the letting agency to see what is happening about the house we are supposed to be letting. Have to give myself something to work towards.

Yes Aimsmum, the schools are off this week. At least I don't have to get up early, but then, I don't get any time without all 4 children either (or any chance to chat to anyone in the playground.)

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Cadbury · 13/02/2005 16:30

Hi. I've been followig this thread and I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I understand totally how you must feel. Hang in there. This week will almst certainly not be as bad as you fear. I have always found the fear worse than the reality. It is a horrid situation to be in but you will cope because you are stronger than you tell yourself you are. Don't forget, there will be mumsnetters around to talk to whenever you are feeling crap, and for when you are feeling good. When my dh has been away, I've tried to choose a little treat for myself to celebrate getting through each day - just something silly that makes me feel better .

I remember you mentioning your phobia. Do you think you should seek some help for that? Someone in the know might be able to help you with strategies for dealing with it.

Hang on in there.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 13/02/2005 16:33

Thank you for replying Cadbury. I did seek help for my phobia and, despite being made to feel so silly by my GP, I was told I would be referred to a counsellor. But that was 3 months ago and I have heard nothing. Now about to move, so the whole situation goes back to square one. B**r it.

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LapsedGymJunkie · 13/02/2005 17:03

I don't know how you put up with that life for 10 years LGJ. I hope you have something better going now.

You do actually get used to it. It got to the point where I was glad to see him when he got home, but I resented having to share the remote control explain that one to me.

In the year 2000 we moved to Surrey for a different job, at that stage we had been married for 8 years, we went around telling all the new neighbours, oh yes we have been married for 8 years but we have only just moved in together....got some very strange looks.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 13/02/2005 17:16

And do you still resent having to share the remote control?!

OP posts:

LapsedGymJunkie · 13/02/2005 19:24

Well no, we settled into a pattern of mutual respect.............did we hell.....first one to the remote is KING

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