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Mental health

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Original poster

WTF do you do when your abuser is some sort of fecking hero??

40 replies

Cryingoutforhelp · 04/08/2008 16:41

I cant so this anymore
cant breath but dont want to
I am fed up
He is living life of riley on queens honours lists, recieving medals, in the papers as some sort of hero
has fantastic life and nobody knows
those who do know dont care and dont acknowledge my pain because it is easier for them
I am a shit mum and my kids would be better.
I need to eb talked to before I do something stupid

OP posts:

FioFio · 04/08/2008 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Cryingoutforhelp · 04/08/2008 16:46

am in therapy have been for 4yrs
am a reg who has name changed because people know me.
I just dont think I want to go on

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 04/08/2008 16:50

are you being abused by your dp/dh? Do you want to get out of your relationship with your children?
Are you in forces housing?

Dont know where to start to help you, sorry, but please remember you are NOT a shit mum, just sounds like ur having the shittiest time

FioFio · 04/08/2008 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mosschops30 · 04/08/2008 16:51

sorry didnt mean get out of your relationship with your children, i meant do you want to get out of the relationship with your dp/dh and take your children somewhere safe?

Original poster

Cryingoutforhelp · 04/08/2008 16:51

sorry not dh its my stepfather
dont have contact anymore but am so fed up seeing him praised for shit and having this life that he doesnt deserve while we struggle

OP posts:

Original poster

Cryingoutforhelp · 04/08/2008 16:52

therapist knows i am suicidal
psychatrist decided I am no longer depressed enough to recieve help from mental heatlh team.

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 04/08/2008 16:53

oh ok. I think therapy is definately the way forward then. Do talk to your therapist about how youre feeling.
And try to stop reading about him, as it obviously makes things harder for you. Are you able todo that, just think that if you break that final contact it may help

FioFio · 04/08/2008 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 04/08/2008 16:54

have you tried going to the police? it may be hard but it will give you back some of the power you geel your step father has taken from you.

Blu · 04/08/2008 16:56

Is there any way you can get the truth out?
Would there be any chance of succesful proscution?

I have NO experience in this area, so cannot offere valid empathy, or advice, but I would imagine that the sheer injustice and hypocrisy of this is emotionally exhausting and destroying.

Howver much public acclaim he gets, it is empty, empty, empty.

You are the much better person, not rotten and evil, like he is.

Original poster

Cryingoutforhelp · 04/08/2008 16:57

not been to the police dont think I am strong enough to

dont purposely try to read about him but he has been in national newspapers the last few weeks for couple of things plays on mind why is he so fucking brilliant and I must be so shit

wont be hospitalised i know what the local psych ward is like through work so no way will I go there

OP posts:

crokky · 04/08/2008 16:57

Look at your lovely kids. They would not be better off without you, you are their one and only mum and I am sure they love you more than anything in the world. The most important thing is your relationship with your kids. Whoever this prick is, whatever he does, you still have your kids. I don't know what sort of abuse he is doing, but try and stay away from him without making a thing of it and make sure when you see him you are with DH/DP.

Rhubarb · 04/08/2008 16:58

Ok, you have 2 choices.

Either you accept what has happened, with the help of your therapists, and you try to get on with your life with no contact at all from this evil man.

Or you report him.

What you need is closure, and you are unable to get that whilst he's such a public figure. No doubt it hurts even more that he is seen as a hero when you know the truth couldn't be more removed.

Consider this: what will cause the most upset and distress to your family - your ongoing mental health trauma or a prosecution?

Have a word with the Police or a sympathetic solicitor who can tell you how likely you are to get a conviction. Just so you know where you stand. You don't have to do anything else.

You've come this far. But you do need closure. Without a prosecution that will be difficult. Have you tried hypnotherapy?
I'm very sorry for you, I really am.

Original poster

Cryingoutforhelp · 04/08/2008 16:59

Blu dont think prosecution would be successful anyway its such a long time ago am so pissed with myself that I cant just move on like every other fucker is

OP posts:

Original poster

Cryingoutforhelp · 04/08/2008 17:01

its so hard for my immediate family[kids and dh] me being like this is horrible but in terms of my mum and sisters they just think I am something that can be ignored while they have the best of both worlds.

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 04/08/2008 17:05

People have been successfully prosecuted for crimes they committed 20 years or more previous. Have a word with your solicitor, just lay the facts down and see what he/she says, that might help you make up your mind. If they say, no way, it's too loose a case etc then you know that decision is taken from you.

It's worth a go.

And why are you blaming yourself? Abusers do this to people, on only has he abused you physically, but he's put onto you the feelings of guilt, self blame, self loathing etc. All whilst he lives, as you said, the life of Riley.

You are not to blame. He took advantage of you, he frightened you and admitting to abuse is one of the bravest things you can ever do. It is SO not your fault. You deserve a decent life without this hanging over you.

JiminyCricket · 04/08/2008 17:14

You could report it confidentially to social services if you think he could be potentially a risk to others currently.

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 17:56

I know a minister (he dedicated me) who was found to be taking boys on camp and getting them drunk... It took one boy telling. His asst/youth pastor who was shocked etc is under investigation for getting a boy (further investigation is going to be done to find out if it's more) drunk and raping him weekly. It took that boy telling. From that they found a girl he raped aged 13. It was dropped (although there is a type of caution that senior police can give in these cases that is stronger than the normal caution and pretty much has the same effect as a conviction) when it was just the boy because of fears for his mental health, the girl coming forward changed his mind. He actually came forward in the first place because the same man tried to kill his sister!

Anyway, my point is that "important" men abuse too and it's unusual for it to be a one off. You going to the police/ SS could help other women (men?) and stop him hurting others. If you feel strong enough to do it, if you aren't then you need to realise you can't take responsibility for anyone else, he is the one who hurt them.

You should also ask you GP for details of specialist counseling.

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 17:58

BTW 13 year old is now 22, boy is 26. Time is not always a problem with cases like this.

Podrick · 04/08/2008 17:59

Why not name and shame him on mumsnet - would that help you feel that he isn't getting away with it?

CvQ · 04/08/2008 18:02

its never too late.please do something
sending you strength and love x

Blu · 04/08/2008 18:12

Whoever he is, Cofh - you know that MN-ers believe you and that we hate his fucking undeserving lying hypocritical guts.

MamaGLovesMe · 04/08/2008 18:15

I can relate a little as the man who abused me used to work for a member of the royal family. He was also in line for the honours list but I have been told he isn't getting it due to what he did to me. He doesn't know that is why he didn't get it.

Huge sympathy from me.

I wonder if there is a way to find out who has been honoured. I just want to check they didn't lie to me.

MamaGLovesMe · 04/08/2008 18:17

COFH

Would you CAT me? There is something I want to tell you but can't on here in case it is seen by the wrong person.

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