Can’t do this (trigger warning)

[PinkPanda99]

I have bipolar disorder but it’s been well controlled for a couple of years now. My youngest started school so I increased my working hours.
Over the past week everything has gone downhill. I normally struggle when the clocks go back, but this is another level. Over the weekend I’ve not been able to function and pretty much cried and stayed in bed, I’ve had hours where I couldn’t work because I couldn’t stop crying and hyperventilating. Yesterday I worked 3 hours extra to get a project done and ended up giving up and going home as I was getting unproductive. I went into the toilets and there on the floor a picture appeared of a cartoon witch stabbing a woman, I thought it was horrible but then as I stared at it for a while, it disappeared in front of my eyes. I ended up sitting away from my house for an extra hour after coming home so the kids couldn’t see me crying.
I’d rather not be here anymore, but I have no choice, I need to be here for my family and to pay the mortgage. My husband has been amazing this week but I feel awful that he’s having to take in everything. I just feel bad or numb. I’m not even sure what the point to this post is.

I'm sorry you are having such an awful time. You need to call in sick to work & see your GP or Nurse & tell them all this, especially the hallucination. You may need different meds. Take good care of yourself, no job is worth making yourself more stressed.

OP I’m so sorry you are struggling. Are you on medication for your bipolar? Worth seeing your GP tomorrow and telling them what you told us here. Or contact NHS 24 for their mental health team asap x

Thanks for the replies. I’m on an antidepressant, 2 antipsychotics and a mood stabiliser. Things have been going well since I moved to that combination and I don’t want to feel like a zombie again. When I called earlier this week my boss commented that it wouldn’t be good to be off sick so early into my new hours, even though I wasn’t calling to take time off, just to explain that I was struggling to work. Admittedly I’be told nobody IRL that I don’t want to be here and that I’ve seen something strange again. I don’t feel I can contact the doctors, I’m afraid of what they might do and who they’ll tell.

You need your meds adjusted ASAP. Once this sort of thing starts, particularly with the hallucinations, it is unlikely to just resolve on its own in my experience and has every chance of getting a lot worse fast. Please, please go and see your GP at the first available opportunity.

@PinkPanda99 sorry to hear you're struggling. You definitely need to get in touch with your CPN, recovery team or whoever, and take some time off sick whilst you get sorted. Does your boss know you have bipolar? If so, that was an idiotic comment to be making. If not, it may be time to let them know. I don't know how to link to it, but we have a running thread called 'Living with bipolar' on here. By all means come on over and drop a post on it, we're all struggling along on it, but it's nice to post in a group who all get how you're feeling and have been there and got the rather rubbish t-shirt (and the cupboard of antipsychotics to go with it).

Ignore your boss. It sounds like the extra hours are contributing towards your poor mental health and improving that is the priority. You deserve medical support and to feel like you absolutely have a right to be here and to be healthy and well. Did you tell your husband about the hallucinations? You deserve and need help OP x

Page 21 | Living with Bipolar | Mumsnet https://share.google/rIx02mgs4Ub21Qrxf
Link to the bipolar thread xx

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Do you have a crisis team number or community psyciatric nurse you can contact. On a positive note the fact you have insight into how your feeling and are aware could mean you just need to adjust your medication and avoid a manic episode. Try not to worry about being off work.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sending love and care, PinkPanda99, sounds like it's tough out there right now. 💐

I know you don't want to but I'd check in with your doctor. You could even go to a different doctor to get another perspective just in case the medication youre on is causing side effects. They have to be causing some side effects. You could get signed off work for a few days by the doctor too, then your boss can't say anything. And the end of the day, work will always be there but your health is everything

I'm sorry OP, but I don't think this is something you can resolve by yourself, or with your DH. Please speak to your doctor. You may need an adjustment to your medication. Your work will either understand or they won't but that's a bridge to cross when you are medically well and able to deal with it.
Ask your husband to support you to see the doctor today.

Just want to add my voice to agree with previous posters that you do need to see your GP as soon as possible. I can understand the apprehension about possible medication adjustments, but if things continue to get worse, it will only get harder to manage the deterioration.

Lots of love to you, @PinkPanda99 . This too will pass xx

with the extra hours you may be under too much pressure
firstly for immediate care you need to ring the local CRISIS mental health team
secondly if you have a mental health care nurse or team they need contacting asap
if you do not have the above you need to contact GP or present yourself to a and e stating you have a mental health crisis if anyone says about a and e being overcrowded this is the advice i am told to do when my mh crashes
in the meantime take care and please get help asap before things become really serious

Thank you for the replies, I do appreciate them. I’ve gotten through the rest of the week, taking things day by day