Feel like I can’t go on

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

It’s sort of late, so whether I’m being overly sensitive I’m not sure.
I am a mum to 3 kids. The youngest has just turned 5 months old.
i am so tired & feel so lonely.
my wife works full time but over three days. She is part time but the hours she’s doing right now are beyond that. She leaves early and is back late. I’m on maternity leave as I carried our baby.
he’s a delightful little thing, but sleep is rough. Night time he is so unsettled. I have him all day, get the kids from school, sort them out, trying to juggle when baby maybe needs an evening nap to try and get him rested so he’s not over tired at bed time.

I’m breastfeeding and I feel like he’s on me constantly. He won’t take a bottle, or a dummy. I’ve spent a future on both. Tried a sippy cup with expressed milk , it wasn’t enough for him. He’s got a potential dairy allergy so I’m DF, but we do have some DF formula but he doesn’t like the taste.
im getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night, and that’s with him waking every 20 or so minutes. my wife is brilliant but she can’t do much with work and then with me feeding. There’s only so much I can expect her to do really.

I feel like I can’t go on. I’m having the most horrendous thoughts. I’ve been discharged from the mental health team (I was under them due to Post partum Psychosis with our last child) they said I’m doing good. Yeah I’m showering and eating (just about), but I feel like I’m going mad. I’m sure my wife is at breaking point . She’s tired too so i have insisted she gets rest in another room but I feel like I’m so alone but what can anyone do when I’m breastfeeding? I don’t have any family to help.
im beginning to think I should just run away. Disappear somehow.
I can’t do it anymore I’m so beyond exhausted.
im scared as I got so poorly before, but if I speak to a dr im scared they’ll section me.

everyone thinks im doing great. Everyone on school run says wow you have it all together. Kids always on time, we are all showered and clean, homework always done, always smiling and the kids are happy. But I don’t feel it. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m so scared to tell my wife how I’m truly feeling as she’s drowning with work so I can’t add to that.

please can someone help me. Advise me on the sleep situation, will it get better. I hate these thoughts

I'm sorry to admit that I don't know what "section me" means. But do you have someone in your life like a sister or best friend that you can talk to?

I couldn’t read and run. You are doing so well and this is such a hard time. Sleep deprivation is so hideous, it really is torture. Is there a friend you trust who you could open up to - ask to support you to get some sleep during the day. Either by looking after the older two or the baby for a period. Does your baby sleep for any long stretches at all even if it’s during the day? I do think opening up to your wife is an important first step. You are in this together. Sending big hugs. This WILL pass

You wont be sectioned.

You need help

Speak to your wife

Speak to your gp

You dont need to suffer alone

If your wife is only working 3 days, even if they are long, then she should be letting you get more rest

You desperately need sleep - the deprivation is literally changing your brain - at five months the baby should be having longer stretches of sleep, it sounds desperately hard with the dairy allergy and aversion to bottles, could you introduce solids or baby porridge a bit earlier? I think if you feel slightly less touched out by the breastfeeding and can either go for a rest or go out somewhere alone just for a couple of hours it would make a big difference.

Oh this sounds awful for you 🥺 Please speak to your wife, she’ll want to know and to support you regardless of what she has going on.

It’s not wise to keep this to yourself given your history. You can be an excellent mum and require help at the same time. Speak to your HV tomorrow or GP but please don’t suffer alone and running away is never the answer. You can do this!

If you’re struggling tonight -and having intrusive thoughts, please, please reach out to the Samaritans confidentially on 116 123

I’m really sorry to hear this and I think anyone would be really struggling on so little sleep.
Are you on any medication for your mental health? You can go to the doctor and say you’re depressed, and ask for medication to help you. You can’t be sectioned for just being depressed.

Are you cosleeping? Are you taking any meds that would prohibit it? If you can feed lying down it’s a game changer and if you can use a sling you’ll be better able to do stuff with your other kids. Apologies if you’re doing those already.

You need to tell your wife you’re struggling and what specific things you need. Why’s she working so many more hours than she should? If you feel you’re really in a bad place she’ll have to take some time off to be at home and support you and do everything for the baby but feed.

You must speak to your GP. There is a lot to be done before "sectioning" is even considered and unless you are deemed a danger to herself and/or others, they won't entertain it. Not to mention that there aren't enough beds on MH wards for people to be admitted willy nilly.
However, if they do consider you to be at risk and offer an admission, that would clearly be safer than deteriorating without anyone knowing anything about it.

You are in the trenches right now OP, but it will get better.
Please do seek professional help. Post partum psychosis is serious and should be treated. My friend had it and getting treatment saved her. You won’t be sectioned. Please speak to your wife to tell her how you’re feeling.
You are not alone 💐

I think at the very least the sleep deprivation is causing a lot of these feelings and it’s completely understandable! Do you co-sleep? If so can the baby latch on without waking you up? There are ways to co sleep safely (look at Lullaby Trust), and then at least you can rest.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much and feeling like running away. Sleep deprivation is awful, and looking after three children is very hard.

I can understand not wanting to add to your wife's worries - it sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure. Is there someone else you can talk to, to get your feelings out of your head? Your wife needs to know that you need more help, but talking to someone else first might make that easier.

Is it possible for your wife to deal with the children on her non-working days, so you can have a sleep in the afternoon or a lie-in? It is hard if your baby is breastfeeding, and I had some similar challenges, but an undisturbed chunk of sleep is a gamechanger.

I think you need to speak to your GP or health visitor or someone else about getting mental health support. If you've previously had post-partum psychosis you may be at higher risk of other mental health difficulties.

It is quite possible that things will change soon. When you start weaning your baby may sleep more, and just as he gets older, it should get a bit better.

I really hope you manage to get help to survive this bit and start getting more rest. When you are so chronically tired it's hard to think straight or make good decisions or feel any sense of hope, but it won't last forever.

It's the lack of sleep, that's making you feel this way. I'm so sorry sorry, I've been there feeling ill with lack of sleep with a 8 week old baby feeding constantly. He was actually suffering from a poor latch it turned out and was genuinely hungry. I couldnt think straight, I was a zombie just going through the motions determined to keep breastfeeding.
Changing my mindset helped. I got help with the latch. I got my partner to help me get some sleep during the day by taking the baby out. I introduced a top up of formula.

Have you considered introducing some solids in the day as your little boy is five months? Could your wife take some parental leave. This sounds like an emergency. If you were sectioned it would be more of an emergency.

You desperately need a stretch of sleep if you could just let someone give you a break for six hours uninterrupted you might see the world very very differently. Your wife needs to help you get some sleep or you will implode

Sending hugs. My first woke hourly for well over a year and didn't sleep through the night for multiple years. It was relentless, exhausting and I have no idea how I got through it with an unsupportive oh (now ex!).

However, you've got a supportive wife by the sound of it. Have a chat about how she can help more. Could she take the baby for a couple of hours in the eve or early morning so you can get a bit more sleep? Can she take more of the load with housework or the older kids? Can you afford a cleaner or other help?

If she's only working 3 days a week she should be able to step up more.

I have been there and it is so unbelievably tough. That level of sleep deprivation is literal torture.

Your wife would be devastated to find out you feel this way and didn't say anything. Please talk to her and your GP / health visitor and tell them the truth. I know it's scary but there may be things that they can do to help even if it's just a space to vent.

My city has a fab charity supporting new mums, can you see if there's anything local

Can you and your wife do set night shifts, so you can at least get a bit more sleep before and after "bedtime"? Do you have friends who could help with the older ones a bit more?

I actually paid a babysitter to take baby in the day so I could sleep for an hour or two. Is that an option?

Hello
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Sleep deprivation is impossibly hard so it's not surprising you are feeling like this.
I hear that you are worried about asking for help I was in a similar situation with my twins (now 23mnths) exclusively BF and one a dummy refuser as well. I reached out for help from my post Natal team. They were great, really supportive, I was having horrible thoughts as well but there was no suggestion of section, just practical support, even going on walks with me to help get me and the kids out and helpful advice re medication but no pressure. It might be good to reach out again? I'm sure They will take into account your history but hopefully they will be able to help before anything gets worse?

Regarding sleep, it will get better. My partner would hold them, between feeds, even if it was only 45mins so I could get my head down, is there anyone who could do that for you in the Day, a friend maybe?
Is their a possibility of doing shifts with partner in the evenings that your partner doesn't work? So after last evening feed my partner would sit up and hold them untill next feed whilst I got a few uninterrupted hours then swap when next feed was due and he would sleep say 2330-am.

Sorry if none of that's helpful, I mainly wanted to say that you are not completely alone, there's others out there who understand. Keep posting here if it helps. X

You sound completely exhausted and overwhelmed - sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for good reason.

Please tell your wife exactly what you’ve written here tonight or show her if you don't feel able to talk about it. You don't need to protect her from this and I guarantee she would much rather know how bad things really are and help you than find out later that you were suffering alone.

Get some support asap (some info for you below):

NHS 111 — select the mental health option (Option 2). This is available 24/7 and you can speak to a trained mental-health professional.

999 or A&E if you feel you might hurt yourself, or anyone else, or you don't feel able to keep everyone safe.

Samaritans: 116 123, free, 24/7, if you need someone to stay with you on the phone while you get through this.

Action on Postpartum Psychosis: 020 3322 9900 — they specifically support women and families affected by postpartum psychosis.

Tommy’s: 0800 014 7800, Monday–Friday 9am–5pm, for pregnancy and postnatal mental-health support.

Mind: 0300 123 3393 for mental-health information and support.

You're doing good OP but we all need help and support at times. Take care of yourself

Hi everyone, I am overwhelmed by your support in the comments. Thank you. I didn’t think for one minute that I’d get any support, I feel so alone it’s unreal.
to answer some questions rather than spamming with individual replies-
we partially co sleep. He goes down in his next to me crib and typically comes into our bed (following safe sleep guidelines) around 1pm, but it’s been a bit earlier since his sleep went to shit.
I have been side lying breastfeeding, but I was worried he perhaps had wind so I’ve tried being upright.
I did the side lying from the start due to a c section , it felt less sore.

weaning wise-we have started a few bits as he’s sitting up independently but we’ve not done a lot, so perhaps I will try some oats.

My wife tries to encourage me to sleep in on her days off and she does school run but I’m generally awake because of our six year olds and I tend to do our daughters hair as she likes me to do it (our daughter I mean). But I do try and rest. The issue is my guilt. I feel terrible that my wife works and then comes home to us. I’ve put tremendous pressure on myself to try and make things easier for her. She’s drowning so I don’t want to make her sink more.

I don’t really have anyone to come give me respite , really.

I think that’s answered some questions, sorry if I’ve missed any.

oh I was admitted with my PPP in 2020, and they offered meds this time round but tried to discourage them as I was seemingly doing ok. How stupid of me to not insist on them, in hindsight.
im so scared of my kids being taken from me if I present as poorly. I feel like I can’t go on anymore, this is awful . What if my older kids grow to resent me for not being present enough, am I doing enough for them?

You’re not alone OP.
It sounds very very tough going and you’ve already done so well.
It think you need to prioritise getting some sleep, get the sleep whenever you can.
Speak to your GP if you think the medication will help you.
DD needs to let your wife do her hair so you get some rest when you can.
The early days with a baby are brutal.

That sounds really tough and I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. You’ve had some really useful advice above regarding your mental health and I second co-sleeping so you can feed side-lying. I just wanted to pick up on the sleep though. You talk about worrying baby is over tired, however, from what I’ve learned, when a baby is waking so much overnight, if you’ve ruled out physical concerns, it’s much more likely they’re under tired. What’s your day schedule like with naps and what’s morning wake time/bedtime?

im so scared of my kids being taken from me if I present as poorly. I feel like I can’t go on anymore, this is awful . What if my older kids grow to resent me for not being present enough, am I doing enough for them?

OP, you are (understandably!) catastrophisisng. Your kids won't be taken from you. Firstly, you have another parent involved and, secondly, you are not a danger to your children so there is no justification for them to be taken away. Not to mention that care system is under pressure as is and they won't take children into care unless it is the absolute last resort.
You also can't predict what your older children will or won't think so there is absolutely no point worrying about it. You will give the a much better chance at a happier childhood if you seek support right now.

Get some medication on the go, it might just take the edge off and help you to see the bigger picture. Go back to the Perinatal MH team if you need to - I work in one, we generally don't discharge unless you agree you're ready too so it's not all about them saying "you're doing ok".

Try to maximise sleep - put the guilt in the bin! It's not "real" guilt anyway, it's usually more like shame around prioritising our own wellbeing and it's just useless and pointless!!

Have a look for something like Homestart near you, or an Early Help offering (this is usually Council operated in places like Family Hubs) to get some social support. You can self refer to Homestart but you would need someone like a HV to refer to Early Help.

Carve out some time to do something that benefits you and you alone - a hobby, see a friend, have a really luxurious bath - whatever tops your cup up! And remember, "guilt" free!! The saying about putting on your own oxygen mask first is so relevant to parenting - you are no good to anyone when you are burnt out

@SLB706 thank you for this, I didn’t know this was a thing.
He has a nap around school run time depending on what time he woke up, so normally he’ll be awake on the way there and then sleep when I’m heading back, so around 9 until about 10/10:30 depending on if I sit down when we get in (he’s in the sling), then he’ll sleep at about 1 until maybe 2/2:30, then I head for school run, and then he seems really irritable and tired around 5pm, so I try and get him to have a cat nap but he sometimes doesn’t go down until 5:30, then I wake him at 6 so that he can go to bed about 8:30. But then I’ll be feeding him after bath time and sit in bed reading to him and he falls asleep on the boob about 8, then wakes at 8:30 thinking that was a nap, then he’ll be awake for ages

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our mental health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or may find our Domestic Violence information helpful.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Very best wishes,
MNHQ

Sending support and solidarity OP.

You sound very similar to me. Had first in 2020 and I just had my third in April. I tanked mentally after my first, had to have a lot of assessments, support etc.

Fine for second, struggled this time. Back in the Sertraline and just finished a load of counselling.

You need to see your GP and get re-referred. Honestly this kind of thing isn't linear at all. The sleep deprivation is brutal, especially when you've got other little ones. Would highly recommend SSRIs as a buffer to help.

@OCDmama thank you for your message, this means a lot. I’m sorry you suffered as well. Lockdown didn’t help for sure. Totally feel you with the 2020 baby.
im glad you’ve had support and some meds, I think I’ll ring the drs today. Thank you