Feel like I can’t go on

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

It’s sort of late, so whether I’m being overly sensitive I’m not sure.
I am a mum to 3 kids. The youngest has just turned 5 months old.
i am so tired & feel so lonely.
my wife works full time but over three days. She is part time but the hours she’s doing right now are beyond that. She leaves early and is back late. I’m on maternity leave as I carried our baby.
he’s a delightful little thing, but sleep is rough. Night time he is so unsettled. I have him all day, get the kids from school, sort them out, trying to juggle when baby maybe needs an evening nap to try and get him rested so he’s not over tired at bed time.

I’m breastfeeding and I feel like he’s on me constantly. He won’t take a bottle, or a dummy. I’ve spent a future on both. Tried a sippy cup with expressed milk , it wasn’t enough for him. He’s got a potential dairy allergy so I’m DF, but we do have some DF formula but he doesn’t like the taste.
im getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night, and that’s with him waking every 20 or so minutes. my wife is brilliant but she can’t do much with work and then with me feeding. There’s only so much I can expect her to do really.

I feel like I can’t go on. I’m having the most horrendous thoughts. I’ve been discharged from the mental health team (I was under them due to Post partum Psychosis with our last child) they said I’m doing good. Yeah I’m showering and eating (just about), but I feel like I’m going mad. I’m sure my wife is at breaking point . She’s tired too so i have insisted she gets rest in another room but I feel like I’m so alone but what can anyone do when I’m breastfeeding? I don’t have any family to help.
im beginning to think I should just run away. Disappear somehow.
I can’t do it anymore I’m so beyond exhausted.
im scared as I got so poorly before, but if I speak to a dr im scared they’ll section me.

everyone thinks im doing great. Everyone on school run says wow you have it all together. Kids always on time, we are all showered and clean, homework always done, always smiling and the kids are happy. But I don’t feel it. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m so scared to tell my wife how I’m truly feeling as she’s drowning with work so I can’t add to that.

please can someone help me. Advise me on the sleep situation, will it get better. I hate these thoughts

Good luck - try and remember it's all just a season. A long, extremely tiring one!

I daydream of getting 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. I could have had that last night as baby slept well (on her front as she's learnt to roll, new position could be a game changer), but of course I was then just anxiously watching her on the bloody monitor instead.

So it looks like you’ve got between 3-4 hours of sleep during the day which is quite a lot and might be why he’s waking so often at night. You don’t say what time he wakes up typically but I’d aim to be consistent with wake time and then let naps and bedtime flow from that. You also want your wake windows to increase throughout the day so the first is the shortest and the last is the longest. This will help to build sleep pressure so he’s more likely to sleep for longer periods at night, particularly in the first part of the night. You can then hopefully go to bed at the same time and get a good chunk of sleep too!

OP, mental health nurse here. Do you have any way to re engage directly with the perinatal mental health team? If you share with them what you have shared on here, l'd be incredibly surprised if you weren't immediately back in their care. There is so much great and well meaning advice on this thread but your risk is potentially so much higher given your history. You really need some support for you right now. You are clearly a fabulous mum but you need some care too! They will absolutely not wish to section you, though I know how much of an understandable worry that is.

get through tonight if it feels safe. Then first thing, get them on the phone and explain what you can. Show them your post if it's too hard to express it yourself. Perinatal MH problems are so common and can absolutely be overcome, but you need the support. Please ring them tomorrow. Sending much love to you and your family

Hi , Op - big hugs . You sound like you are having a hard time just now . Be kind to yourself and try and speak to your wife . You need to look after yourself and speak to your Dr / health visitor .

I think you need to try and let go of the guilt . It is difficult to function when you are getting little / interrupted sleep . Is there anyone who could help out with the school runs on the days when your wife is working? Do you have a class WhatsApp group that you can ask on / even check if your wife was able to tag team with another parent and your wife and the other parent take all the kids one day and then swap around ? Not sure how practicable it will be - depending on distance to school .
There may also be options re after school clubs / after school care . Again you could alternate weeks with another parent . If looking at after school care that could just be on a short term basis until you get through this hurdle .
Take care x

Please don't advise going against medical advice.

OP can you bed share again?
I breastfed for years and didn't wake up after a while, I'd just wake up with my boobs out. If you sleep in a triangle shape.

@PumpkinSpicedLatteso sorry your having such a difficult time sending hugs.

With regards to the dairy free formula, what one is your little one on? There are several different ones you can try. My ds was diagnosed around the same age, we had nutramagen i think it was first he refused the bottle, so I told the dr he wasnt drinking it we need somthing else the changed it to neocate my little one tolerated that then. So may be worth asking the gp or health visitor to look at alternatives.