What can I do if everyone is depressed in my house?

[WishfulThinkingToday]

From my DD12 struggling with serious mental health concerns, to DD18, DS17, DS15 all seem sad in their own ways. I am struggling with depression and my DH is struggling but wont admit (works more than full time hours, stressed and having to support everyone’s mental health as well as his own stresses). There is a strong element of ASD/ADHD in the house too, and we are all secluded.

It all seems like we are not doing something right. What can we do to fix this?

So far my DD12 and I have seen psychiatrists to help figure out what is wrong. Almost everyone else is getting assessed for neurodivergence.

How can I change the home environment to help the depression? Is there someone who can help? If I told social services would they help?

I feel like I am struggling and taking everyone down with me.

Thanks - I would love that. We rarely do this because feeding a family of 7 is quite expensive, and we don’t have a car so it is all on the bus.

But I will mention this to my DH.

Could you bribe everyone for a family walk? Bribe them with pizza or boba tea afterwards or whatever they like. Take umbrellas or coats and keep it to 15 mins if it’s raining a bit.

Yes, we are all struggling with screens (even me). My older son is doing computer science so has to do this for work, but the rest of us have a problem for sure. My oldest DD is working part-time, so not so bad, youngest DS is very sociable so don’t have a problem, my DD12 is deeply into crafts.

Definitely, this is a problem though. You are right. Maybe screen-free hours?

I am a huge fan of walking, so this would be amazing for me. Once they have all woken up (2pm in the summer holidays!). I have never tried bribery before, but I am definitely up to it!

I was really upset the other day that the only time we go out together was to go to the dentist. I was grinning from ear to ear just for that little trip! How sad is that?

Yes, five children. Youngest DD2.

Sorry you are feeling this way. You seem to be taking a huge amount of responsibility on for everyone’s happiness. Yes, they are your children but you cannot physically change the way they feel other than practical things such as booking doctors appointments, organising therapy, check self referral on NHS website etc. the best thing you can do for your family is work on yourself, model positive changes. Seek therapy for yourself or antidepressants if advised by GP. Baby steps, better diet and move a little. Walk and swim nothing to strenuous. Sleep and keep a journal, do not go
on social media if it’s a trigger. Once your kids can see that you can work on yourself they may be encouraged to do the same.

what’s your environment like? Cluttered then slowly declutter. Create calm spaces. Bring some plants in doors natural lights get the windows open. It all sounds far to basic but small steps will lead to a change if you stick with it. Sending love

This sounds systemic within the household. A walk or a family lunch is not going to touch this. You also mentioned one of your children is seriously suffering. It’s not normal for you all to be depressed and I honestly think the only thing that could help is family therapy, and not focussing on individual problems.

You are all sad because the household is sad and depressed. It doesn’t sound like an environment that you could thrive in. In family therapy it’s called emotional contagion. Can you afford this? Is your daughter under CAHMS? Sometimes they can offer family therapy.

Sorry to hear this. Maybe say you need to have a family meeting but you want to get out the house, so you’re going for a picnic? Then come up with small ideas together to help.

write them out and put them somewhere central to remind you all

Things like:
music playing downstairs
baking something together
takeaway night
board/card game
watching a series together
sittin in the garden
getting a dog/walking the dog if that genuinely fits your family
movie night
going for a drive
cooking someone’s favourite food
having a family breakfast at the weekend

ask chat gpt as well; I find it useful for things like this.

can you tell your psychiatrist exactly what you’ve written here, they may be able to offer something to help all the family

In our house we get up by 8 every day even weekends and holidays. Everyone has to spend time exercising and time outside before any screens. It really helps mood to exercise, see daylight and cut down on hours on screen and hours up at night when it is dark.

Yep, bribing can work. Just let them know what time you’re going, how long you’re planning to be out, where you’re going and what the “treat” is afterwards. When you all come back and everyone thinks it was nice, let them know that you’d like to do something once a week together. See what ideas they come up with.

Other things that might help -
Everyone cooks a meal once a week, even if it’s pasta with pesto or baked potatoes with coleslaw and everyone sits together without screens to eat. They can try more challenging recipes if they want.
That gets everyone participating in family life and gives them a boost from achieving.

Have a movie night once a week. No double screening.

We had to get up at 8 every day too when we were teens. It was like living in a fucking military camp tbh. I mean, Jesus Christ!!!…. One extreme to the other.

In the kindest way , I would suggest that your environment needs improving. But this is not only your burden, the family needs to work together.

I'd focus on how everyone communicates with each other .

Daylight and fresh air

The food you eat

The media people are exposed to.

Yes, I am starting to realise that this environment is wrong. I am so sad and overwhelmed that even the smallest tasks seem like giant hills, and that is why I was seen by a psychiatrist (diagnosed moderate depression, thyroid problems due to autoimmune, peri-menopause, post natal stress and possible ASD/ADHD). I struggle with tidying and cleaning, and some days I can’t leave the house. I really want to leave and walk, and I even have an allotment that I absolutely love but sometimes it is too hard.

I haven’t heard of this therapy, and will look it up.

My daughter was assessed by CAHMS and two months later they haven’t replied. They only said I might have parenting classes to help with self-harm as her ASD and age makes counselling less effective. This is why we went to a psychiatrist to get a better assessment, and they advised Sertraline and counselling and said she has severe depression and PTSD and suicide ideation.

I think things might seem better when they’re back at school? I would model what you think might help - open curtains and windows, tell everyone to get showered and dressed, bake things that smell nice, keep the house clutter free. Buy cheap bunches of flowers. Break the router. I don’t think there is a quick fix, though.

Are any of you on antidepressants? I think the GP would be the first stop, before social services. Sorry if you’ve already tried this route.

Family therapy might help