What can I do if everyone is depressed in my house?

[WishfulThinkingToday]

From my DD12 struggling with serious mental health concerns, to DD18, DS17, DS15 all seem sad in their own ways. I am struggling with depression and my DH is struggling but wont admit (works more than full time hours, stressed and having to support everyone’s mental health as well as his own stresses). There is a strong element of ASD/ADHD in the house too, and we are all secluded.

It all seems like we are not doing something right. What can we do to fix this?

So far my DD12 and I have seen psychiatrists to help figure out what is wrong. Almost everyone else is getting assessed for neurodivergence.

How can I change the home environment to help the depression? Is there someone who can help? If I told social services would they help?

I feel like I am struggling and taking everyone down with me.

I obviously can't speak for the OP, and yes she said she would love it.

But that doesn't mean it is a low pressure choice. Eating out is a higher pressure choice than other things like going for a walk, in part due to money and in part due to the social requirements of the activity.

Yes but as it’s the Op I’m interested in… and given she said that she would love that and seemed up for it….

op… hope you get out tomorrow with the family and even if just a slice of cake… change of scenery and fresh air.

Gokd luck

Change will involve some pressure. Its deluded to think that you can have zero pressure and I dont think that is healthy at all.

There is quite a vocal minority on here who talk about children with ND in terms of that acceptance you speak of OP of just letting them sit in their rooms because they find social interaction or the outdoor world too difficult/uncomfortable/threatening or whatever word you want to put on it.

The problem with that is it just encourages this mentality they currently have, with the limited skills they currently have and the sadness/depression they currently have, its not working.

I agree. Nothing is going to change if the OP lets them all sleep in till 2 pm.
This is just a vicious circle. They never leave the house because they are depressed and then they get more depressed because they never leave the house.
At least drag one or two to the allotment!

Change will involve some pressure. Its deluded to think that you can have zero pressure and I dont think that is healthy at all. No one would suggest zero pressure as all change creates some pressure. But the healthy thing to do is start with low pressure changes and gradually build confidence/momentum.
Like climbing stairs - each step is the same height.

Agreed

I mean @concertinacornflake being a prime example. The Op seemed enthused about possibility about trying to get the family out for some fresh air and perhaps a slice lf cake to bribe them. But @concertinacornflake basically overrides the Op saying woah there!!! That’s not appropriate way too much pressure!!

Butt out!! If the Op thinks it’s a possibility, it is worth a shot rather than groundhog day

Yes!

Given half the chance my teens would sleep in until 2pm. Seriously it is HARD work getting them up, breakfast in them and occasionally getting them to join me on a long dog walk and out for lunch. It would be SO much easier NOT to do this.

But I do it… because I want better for them! I know that staying in bed for 75% of the day and then sitting on your ass looking at your phone for the remaining 25% is not good for physical or mental health health so, as a parent, I put the effort in and that involves pressure!

and my boy has profound ADHD

To start with all you can do is set an example, yes, this really works. Then perhaps one of your family will join you and then more. Bribery also works! make sure there is a food stop on the walk. If you try to get all of you out together as a starting point you are doomed to fail and, I would say you would probably not get all of you out together ever anyway - maybe at Christmas or Boxing Day. Good luck OP

Can you afford a dog? Recent research shows that they can be very beneficial to mental health. This has definitely proved to be true for me. I would caveat by saying choose your breed carefully and make sure you train it.

The OP has said she doesn't have capacity for another responsibility. Dogs are a big responsibility, another cost and this is already a seven person household so logistics are going to be complicated.

Again.

A suggestion made to the OP and here you are @concertinacornflake …. Basically saying “woah there… too much” before the Op has even had a chance to reply.

and here was the OP’s response to suggestion of going out for a bite to eat and a walk

I would love that

I will mention it to DH

I am a huge fan of walking, so this would be amazing for me. Once they have all woken up (2pm in the summer holidays!). I have never tried bribery before, but I am definitely up to it!

so stop pissing all over ideas to the Op ie not YOU @concertinacornflake

The op has to start from where she is. Changes can’t come from trying to make big changes. It sounds like it would be overwhelming for op.
She should start with a conversation with everyone.
Then sorting the house out to make everywhere more comfortable and more pleasant for everyone to hang out together. Get everyone involved.
Eating together, that’s another small step - aim for one meal day together without phones.
Try to get everyone out for a bit without phones.
The sleeping will need to be sorted out for school. Either prepare them or let it happen.
Then don’t allow weekend lie ins til that long get the kids to choose an activity for the weekend.
maybe they like swimming, cycling or continue walking. Maybe one wants to try something new.

Thanks everyone for the messages - its getting overwhelming!

A horrible germ is sweeping through the house, and now I am also sick, so sorry about the delay.

I think many are right - I am starting with small steps and trying to get myself and my DD2 out as much as possible, and then slowly get the others to join. Any suggestions to join me has been met with ‘Why do I have to do what I don’t want to do?’ And moaning, but I will aim for a nice family walk on Tuesday when DD18 can come.

I have threatened them with a wet 8am wet flannel to the face. They think that is hilarious.

Great.

But today…try to get the teens up by 11.

Why don’t you ask one of them to take their toddler sibling out for a walk?

I think where you are going wrong is expecting to get them all out at the same time. That's not going to happen.
Take at least one or two to the allotment. Rotate.

As for why they have to do what they dont want to do, because that's life and it's your house, your rules. Don't any of them play a sport? Do art? Go to free galleries or museums if any near of you? At least go to the library. UK teens are so lucky to have so many free options that poorer countries would kill for; and all they want to do is sit in their rooms.

I am getting depressed reading this.

Thanks - this might be more manageable. You are right. Especially when everyone’s interests vary so much, so only two people would be happy to go to a gallery or a zoo, one go to a gaming place, one into sporty places (but with their friends only). Taking them somewhere is always met with great push-back, but this might not be so bad.

I am definitely taking all these suggestions into account.

But as people said, I have to just start slowly - some days I can’t even remember my name (brain fog) and leaving the house myself is too much… never mind trying to convince 4 children to go out with me when they don't want to (toddler doesn't mind). I know I am in charge, but we have elements of PDA with the autism (they can’t cope well if their plans change), and taking them out without their agreement means it isn‘t fun for anyone (just a power struggle and a meltdown. No one enjoys that). Therefore, the one/two day notice and a written notice on the calendar is the only thing that works (no joke), as well as a lengthy talk before hand and a lively debate.

I used to have the energy to get them all up and out, but since having the baby that all has gone. We also got rid of the car (cost more to fix than it was worth), so that made it even more difficult (harder to shove all teenagers into a bus than a car).

It is grim, but small steps. Going back to school will help, we all prefer routine.

I think maybe you need to put your oxygen mask on first tbh OP.

You start going for walks and ask if anyone wants to join you. Schedule one long one regularly to get into the habit. The breather and the exercise will boost you up.

Re poster who suggested family therapy - I'd think that for the older DC's , possibly also for the 15 year old , it would be more helpful to focus outwards and developing their own lives and independance - by encouraging volunteering? work? study? friends? interests?- rather than suggest family therapy. If the whole system is struggling, it's unlikely to help.

The main focus for therapy should be OP and the 12 year old.

You are feeling really sick

So one of the teens gets up, showered, eats breakfast and takes his toddler sibling out for a walk