What can I do if everyone is depressed in my house?

[WishfulThinkingToday]

From my DD12 struggling with serious mental health concerns, to DD18, DS17, DS15 all seem sad in their own ways. I am struggling with depression and my DH is struggling but wont admit (works more than full time hours, stressed and having to support everyone’s mental health as well as his own stresses). There is a strong element of ASD/ADHD in the house too, and we are all secluded.

It all seems like we are not doing something right. What can we do to fix this?

So far my DD12 and I have seen psychiatrists to help figure out what is wrong. Almost everyone else is getting assessed for neurodivergence.

How can I change the home environment to help the depression? Is there someone who can help? If I told social services would they help?

I feel like I am struggling and taking everyone down with me.

Is your house cluttered and messy? If it is then start on that. A messy environment does take its toll. Get some help if you can or get some strategies from people here.

Physical exercise, forced if necessary, and lots of it.

It wont solve the problem, medication may be needed (and its virtually impossible to get for kids) but too much naval gazing and sitting around wondering about ones feelings is not good for people.

Yes, I think being back at school and having a routine will help. Not so much DD12 as school is a trigger with social anxiety. I will try harder to open windows and declutter - it is amazing how much stuff we have and so much washing to sort every week!

My DD12 will probably go on Sertraline, and I have been advised to think about taking them too. I was dragging my heals for myself because of the numbing feeling I got with the when I had PND. I have been trying to go jogging, which works, but the minute I fall ill I stop and within 3/4 days I feel I have low mood again.

The best 'family therapy' is for the members of the family to connect with each other and that means doing things together, sharing tasks, experiences, even if its painting a door or cleaning the windows, going for a bike ride.

OP is probably suffering from shit life syndrome. You can talk until the cows come home but all that does is encourage more introspection.

Meanwhile, more pressure on the family finances, more pressure on time, more arguments because a doesnt want to go to the therapy, b has football practice that afternoon, where does OP get child care from. Its all highly impractical.

Get out as a family, doing something, anything that fosters a sense of togetherness but is physically active.

I would love some strategies - I have previously posted on Mumsnet asking for help. But I realised finding starting this difficult (ADHD / depression mixture?). Everyday I start with a positive attitude that I can do it and feel disappointed with myself by the end of the day.

Go on a glimmer hunt. Everyone has to look for one thing that makes them feel happy and then show the offers. It could be a funny shaped cloud, or an ant carrying a grain of rice. Doesn’t matter, it just has to lift you up a tiny bit. Multiple that by 7.

That sounds very hard OP. I’m aiming that you don’t work? But are struggling with low mood and keeping on top of the house stuff? And your DH works long hours to support you all?

can you tell us a bit more about your household?
who does the housework? Laundry?
Do you eat together? Who cooks?
what’s the routine? are your older children out to work / study? Are the younger ones at school?
have you got a big enough house for all of you?
If you are struggling with housework can you get a cleaner?

Address your own mental health, good routine, out for a walk every morning, getting to bed at a good time. Set a good example, force yourself to do a few things. Get help if you need.
The younger 2 definitely encourage/ enforce the same. Up by mid morning in the holidays / weekends.
Sort out the family areas, door and windows open and do 10 mins decluttering a day and 20 mins cleaning. Get everyone to help.
My ds has spent ages re doing his room this summer. It hasn’t cost much and he’s got rid of loads.
We all watch a series together when we have dinner, recently we watched Lost, now we are watching Dexter. Dexter isn’t suitable for your youngest. But having series everyone enjoys is great. No phones whilst watching.
Come back here a post a few things you will do today and repeat every day. We can cheer you on. Small steps

Just tried, DH is sick DD12 also sick. DD18 at work, DS17 just got up and DS15 is cooking lunch (has coursework due in a couple of days). DD2 is dressed and ready to go (wants to puddle hop). So hard to coordinate.

It might just be me and DD2 puddle hopping. At least it is a start.

If you need help with household stuff join the organised mums guided clean on Patreon. They are so helpful.

Do you have any neighbours with a dog that would like the dog being walked?

I don’t work at the moment, I tried but I am on minimum wage so paying for childcare was more than I was earning. I have low mood, but always struggled with house stuff. My DH is working really long hours (working from home at the moment, software engineer).

I do the laundry and (try) the housework. I cook, and the children appear when they are hungry. My DH cooks for himself (diabetic). My children all go to school and my oldest DD is due to start university in a month. My DD2 is with me all the time.

Our house is small for us - 4 bedrooms for 7 people. DD18 is moving to university in a month, so there will be some more space soon.

I think you should team up with your DH first and foremost. Kids will need adults to be on the same page and model good behaviour.

Exercise, can't recommend it enough, walking will do.

Sounds like at least one of the kids do cooking, so more participation in household tasks, except the wee bairn of course.

Thank you for telling us more.

i have two teens and tbh we don’t see much of them at home. Like you say, they appear for food. The rest of the time they are in the rooms usually gaming or watching tv, at the gym or out with friends / girlfriends. Afaik they aren’t unhappy, just quite wrapped up in their own lives. Do your older children have friends / hobbies ? Why do you think they are particularly sad? Have they struggled with ND?

I agree with the pp who advises to start with yourself. I felt a bit lost after being a SAHM to just two - it must be very hard having got through 18 years of parenting and you’ve still got a 2 year old! There’s a big gap between her and her closest sister DD12, right? And you had PND after the birth of the youngest? Give yourself a break maybe, 5 kids over that span is going to be hard work. Do you get any time to yourself? Do your older children help with housework / laundry / cooking? Do you have a routine for your day / week?

I personally wouldn’t be aiming to get everyone out for healthy walks at the same time. I think your time would be better spent tackling your own mental health. Do you have any grandparents around to support you?

I would roll with what changes you can. If only one child is available for a walk, take them. Take a different one next time when you want fresh air and they’re available. It sounds like you’re trying to carry an awful lot yourself and that must be really hard.

Do you have any wider family support or friends? I’m getting this real sense of an isolated family when I read your posts, apologies if you have already mentioned this.

Is there anyone in your life who’s an energetic type and could be bribed with coffee/biscuits to come over and help with decluttering for an hour or something like that? If getting started is the worst bit, it would help to have someone to help get you going, maybe. I appreciate it might not be an option but just a thought.

For your own screen usage, there are apps that can be used to lock you out of web browsers or particular apps after a certain amount of time. You could try that and see if you can then manage even 15 minutes of something non-screen like decluttering or cleaning (carrying on if you feel up to it).

Get them into a sport. Best thing I ever did.
Get them out for a walk, maybe one or two at a time
Get them volunteering
Take them to a museum or art gallery and show them something bigger than themselves.
You need to walk everyday yourself

Limit screen time.
As much natural light as possible into the house
Open windows.
Encourage exercise, not just gentle walks.
Be careful what you’re watching on tv - soaps are really depressing as they’re mainly aggy people creating drama imo.
Cut back on ultra processed food and introduce fermented foods and varied veg for fiber and gut health (helps produce seratonin.
Family time outdoors - an hour doing chores in the garden/ sweeping the drive ? They will hate it at first but there will be a sense of achievement.

Hi OP, this sounds really difficult. My husband is almost certainly AuDHD (our daughter is diagnosed) and the only thing that really lifts his mood is exercise - specifically he has a turbo trainer set up in the garage (he does ride bikes outside too, but Zwift seems to be the key (it's a cheaper version of Peloton I think).

DD seems regulated by trampolining and swimming and kicking a ball. Actually any water will do: bath/shower/puddles/lake/sea/fountain/waterfall!

I'm a cheaper date and not neurodiverse as far as I know, so a quick walk and a colouring book works for me!

Make it a family project to find a "thing" for each person. There are too many of you for it all to rest on you.

Maybe your next family trip could be to Decathlon if there's one on a bus route. Or Hobbycraft.

Get a rescue dog. Get everyone out of house.

Then pack some sandwiches and arrange a game of rounders in the park.

Thanks for the reply,

We are isolated - but I realised it is maybe I am autistic, and I have never been able to keep friends. I have non, and my DH also finds it hard. I also find socialising incredibly hard, and stressful. I find having guests over at the house traumatising and I don’t have anyone over (apart from my Mum and Dad, and that is still traumatic). I have accepted this over the years, that having friends is more stressful than not.

I tried the screen limiting setting, and my DH laughs that every day I press ‘ignore’ and still binge. I think maybe I will start setting timers.

Yep, my dad used to come at us with a wet flannel if we didn’t get up. Getting up wasn’t optional