Who regrets becoming a mum?

[vizbizz]

Ok, so we are in the terrible 2's and I know this makes it hard for most mums to cope with but with all the pain, health dramas, depression etc I have had since arrival of DS I find that all too often I really regret having become a mum. I love the little man, but if I had known what I was in for I cant help thinking I would never have gone ahead and become a mum. The guilt I feel for feeling like this is awful. Does anyone else feel like this? There is so much pain (physical and emotional) as a result of DS's arrival, so much frustration and so very very little joy. He's a beautiful, and thankfully healthy little man, but I find it so hard to be happy about what I have.

And no, I am not suffering from depression anymore, just this overwhelming sense of grief when I stop to think about it all. I keep trying to convince myself that it will get better, but it's already been 2 years and I just don't see any progress in this despite counselling and the other progress I have made there. I still keep wishing I had never made the decision to be a mum.

I guess I just want to know I am not the only one that feels like this.

I sometimes regret becomming a mum. I know I am lucky to have a beautiful, healthy baby boy but somedays when there seems to be no way to stop the whinging and my house is a state, my hair is greasy and I am so tired I could curl up in bed for a week, I regret it.

It's not the lovely image that people paint it to be. It's tiring, mind numbing, lonely and scary.

I love ds more than anything, I would die for him, but somedays it feels like my life is over and all I do is try and pacify a rather grumpy 11 month old.

Thank God I only have one child.

I think you've all been very brave and honest on here. You'd be suprised at the number of my friends that made out motherhood was a dream, til I admitted I didn't love it all the time, then they all admitted to feeling the same. So sad that we are made to feel guilty and forced to lie.

mother3 - I know you meant well, but being told, 'You should count yourself lucky, your child could be ill' or whatever it is you are trying to say is not helpful. I look after both my children well, I know I do. They are fed and clothed and generally happy individuals. I may struggle with my feelings about parenting from time to time however and I am entitled to discuss this on a support forum such as this. My not discussing it is not going to make poorly children better, but it may help me to be a better mum to have some uncritical constructive advice and support.

roseability - I think you make an excellent point about motherhood not being valued. The moment you have a child I feel there is an immense pressure to be exactly as you were before, physically, emotionally, mentally. It isn't possible and therefore one feels failure. Which is very unfair.

No easy answers I guess, but is good to discuss.

violetsmile, I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. I felt like I had been lied to by so many people. Now when I hear someone blather on about how easy it is I just think "Liar!" Maybe it is for them, but it comes across as not being authentic and I really don't have the mental energy to bother listening anymore, iykwim.

I did not mean to offend any 1.It obviously came aross very wrong.We all have our days when we just want to shut out the world and be left alone.I was not implying any of you are not good and caring mothers.When i had my first baby my mum died suddenly Septicimia) only cut her finger but was not up to date with injections when my baby was just 6 weeks old.One minute i was the daughter then i was the mother.I didnt have a clue what end of a baby was what let alone keeping the house and letting every 1 think things were fine..So i do know how hard it can be.I too thought having a baby would be easy and the baby would always be smelling of baby powder not sleepless nights etc. I did not think about the lonely days of being isolated with just a baby for company.I was not intending to be critical of any one.

Is our thread dead?

jabberwocky, no i hope not, i've not been able to post for a few days as have been so busy, DD's sports day today so was out all day. I should have some time tomorrow hopefully as i really want to respond to some of the recent posts.

Hi everyone!

I am still here!

Mother3, I am so sorry to hear about your mum. How awful for all of you to go through, especially you with a young baby.

voiletsmile (love your name!), I know exactly what you are saying. The baby stage, IMO is very hard with broken nights etc. I really didn't enjoy it at all. My DS was an extremely whingy baby, cried a lot, very high maintenance. I came down to earth with a bump. I didn't realise babies cried SO much. Well, some don't. My friend has the most placid contented baby you could ever wish for. I used to feel very envious when I saw mums with "good" babies that were very contented and think "What am I doing wrong?"

vs, are you certain you are not going to have another one? I CANNOT make up my mind. I have been back and forth for a year trying to decide, but can't.
I think it would only get more difficult with two or more and I am reluctant to add to the workload! DS starts school soon and I am SO looking forward to working again, having time to myself and all of that.

I feel guilty saying all of this. I think I am selfish for thinking it. I have said this to my RL friends and they say "no, you're not selfish" but I think I am. DS is 4 and I feel the age gap would be too big now for him to have a playmate. I feel as if I have robbed him of the chance to have a brother or sister. In some ways, I wish I had just gone for it must sooner and just had two in nappies etc. If I did it again now, I would be starting back at square one. I would feel to me like a four year sentence before they start school. I know when DS starts though, I am going to miss him like mad.

I'm probably going to be flamed by someone now.

mine are 9 and 12 now, and you know what, to some extent i still don't like being a mum.

i feel horrid saying that

I think what you need to remember is:

21 years in captivity. Are you so blind that you cannot see. Free Nelson Mandela I'm begging you .......

Think about it babes.

Hi again everyone,
Well, I'm still here - I think the thread changed a bit since mother3's post. But since she has apologised for coming across as critical - we'll just have to forgive her - I have anyway - it is hard sometimes to get your thoughts together and to post in such a way that other people don't take them up wrong!

I do know what you mean about suddenly being the mother. I had this feeling when I had DD, that my own self had frizzled up in the glare of my new life as Mother to this demanding infant. Such a thankless job - all give and very little take, and all compounded by pain and exhaustion, and anxiety.

I realise a lot of what fatigues me is that I am, and was my whole childhood, a Mother to my Mother - and she still expects me to be her Mother. She calls me up every day about every little decision etc, so when it comes to looking after my DD I'm all out of mother-love.

So... I decided to limit her calls to 10 mins max and then say I've gotta go and not listen to her wittering on. And to concentrate on organising my and my DDs day, so that her needs are met, as well as my own.

I do know what you mean about you having me TIME not a LIFE, and that also was a shock to me. I am coming to see now that I have a life now, just a life with a child, and that means that I will include her in my life, and I hope that she will include me in hers. I kindof think of her as a new flatmate IYSWIM. We just have to rub along!

Also I think I'm also a Lone Wolf, and I was absolutely shocked about how I missed just being alone at home in the peace and quiet to chill out - I had no idea how much I needed that space and time.

So now my DD is 4 and starting school in September, I'm so looking forward to getting my body back and doing some exercise I enjoy - yoga and pilates. And getting in touch with me again, and just quietly sending down my roots, so I can replenish myself - going out to the cinema / for a meal once a month also with friends.

I'm not going to have another child, as I feel I've just excavated to surface from the Mummy trenches, and another child would load a JCB of clay on top of me, for me to take another four years shifting with my bare hands. I am beginning to see the light of day, and amn't going to relinquish it. I need it too much.

I'm thinking a cat will have to do if I get all broody for a little live creature to look after.

The honesty of this thread - and of redmists also- really makes me see that we are not alone. So many things are different for 'modern women' and the support structures aren't there for a lot of us.

Thank you for posting here, and sharing with me your stories and lives.
It's an honour to be the same kind of mum with all of you, and to know I'm not alone in my daily life.
Sending you all rainbows of love!

Great post zazen! I too miss the peace and quiet of an empty house. I am never in my house alone and so there's always some amount of background noise iykwim. I miss being able to just say "This Sunday I'm just going to stay in my pajamas and read and eat ice cream" or whatever. And it's not like I did that a lot (or ever? it's hard to remember now) but just having the ability to consider it is now gone and sometimes that is hard to take.

Loved your post zazen. Feel the same as you. As September comes closer (DS starting school) I feel as if at the starting post just waiting for the starting gun to go off. I just want to run and run and enjoy just being me again. No doubt a lot of mums would disagree with this and not understand it.

Maybe it comes down to different personalities, upbringings and experiences? Some women seem to stop being themselves and just immerse themselves in parenthood and forget who they are and are frightened of being themselves again.

I can't wait to have the time to start learning, studying,maybe just reading a book or the paper, having a coherent thought in my head and even maybe working again. I feel like I've been hibernating for four years.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm making much sense but it just helps typing out all the thoughts in my head!

Over the top of the trenches girls!!
here we go, onward and upward sisters!!

It's great isn't it

I recently went to a course held in my local uni, and as I was sitting there I realised that I didn't have to think about DD all day and nobody knew I had had her - so i didn't have to talk about her, if I didn't want to. It was really liberating. My Dh and I run our own business so work isn't the same outlet for me.

I thought about doing a p/t post grad course there in Classics - two essays a year. So nice to think I might be able to do it if I wanted to, and be myself again!!

Here's to a great summer

haven't read all of this but the thread title describes how i feel at the moment. It's my 29th birthday and I feel like I am about 59

been up since 3.30am with dd who wakes very early almost every morning, feel like I only ever, work look after house, look aftewr dd, look after dh

most of the time i dont like my life, at this precise moment, I hate it, wish i was someone else can't ever see it getting better, others tell me the sleeping improves but nearly 3 years on and i havent had a full nights sleep yet, I am so so so so tired and cant stop crying.

Am considering going to doctor but am scared they will just put me on AD's again which i had horrendous withdrawal from last time (was throwing up and tummy upset about 10 times a day for 3 months)

I started taking st johns wort a couple of days ago am hoping this will just make me feel calmer, if not happier

reallyl feel like i could walk out right now and not come back, as long as I knew dd was safe

the only time i feel like me is when i am at work, and even then i am so tired i dont do the job as well as I once could.

dh looked after dd for 2 hours the other day while i went to the next sale, somthing i would have previously really enjoyed, but i realised I dont even have this interest anymore - dont get excited about looking for new clothes. Ended up coming home with pretty dresses for dd - somehow I could choose these, yet nothing for myself

twizzler your post is positive, proves to me there may be light at the end of the tunnel - dd goes to school in 2 years and much as dh would like me to, I am NOT going back to work full time, I would love to do some more education or even just dance classes - maybe there is hope, just not today.

Hi I'm new here. I'm amazed that there are others like myself who, despite loving their kids deeply, have many times when caring for them feels just like drudgery. Mine is 2 and whilst she's lovely, I've suffered more with arthritis since she was born and been housebound as a result, not able to drive yet though working on it, and been on my own lots in order for my husband to train as a pilot. As much as I love them both my life is just full of resentment at the moment as I'm not doing anything for myself and feel guilty for feeling this way, and helpless even more when I get comments like you need to be more confident, you need to get motivated, it must be done etc. I'm living with my inlaws at the mo with husband in nz for next few months(long story, won't bore you) and as much as we get on well they're very quick to pass judgement, like yesterday I was having an unmotivated day trying to potty train and I was told to be more assertive, and the other day told to smack her because she was having a tantrum. I've wondered if I'm been suffering from some sort of depression as I've been feeling bad since my daughter was around 6 months I think, certainly by 9, and I recently saw my doc who put me forward for counselling which is a 3mth waiting list. Sorry to moan, but I'm not enjoying being a mother. Having arthritis there should be some sort of health warning given out by doctors on the negatives of having children as I can honestly say I did not appreciate the sacrifices you end up making when you get even more ill. Thankfully I'm on a new therapy that's working at the moment so hopefully will manage to do my driving soon. People just assume that having kids is great, but had I known I'd be feeling this way I would not have done it. Sometimes I just wish I could walk out the house and leave but I don't have a job to go to or a place to live as we're selling our house. When you're stuck in a rut it's the hardest thing to get yourself out of it when you don't have the mental energy to.

Do you know, I think lack of sleep and pain is just the worst - it hangs a dark cloud over everything.
Now my DD is 4 she more or less sleeps - occasionally we hear her going to the loo, or she'll have a nightmare and cry out, but (touch wood) apart from that I'm just recently being able to relax when I go to bed that I won't be woken up.

Sleepless-ness is just the pits - it's a torture and so hard to keep balanced mentally when sleep deprived. even things you once liked seem a chore and you wonder why aren't you just lying down somewhere quiet instead of being up if you've any time 'off'.
Maybe your DH needs to take your DD OUT while you stay in and catch up on some sleep gingernutlover - or if you feel sleep is too much to hope for, some stretching / breathing / drawing / staring at the ceiling - I used to get my DH to bring DD out for an hour and I'd cry and cry - always felt much better afterwards..
Happy birthday BTW- it's my birthday today also - I'm 40!! And I feel a lot better than I did 4 years ago at 36 (10 days post partum).
I also take St John's wort for a few days when I feel myself slipping - it's worked for me.

And pain is also so tiring, it's just consuming. Saps the energy right out, and leaves little or nothing left.

I'm sorry that you are in pain stripyfrog, and that you have un-supportive Out-Laws. That's tough going.
Potty training for me was a nightmare - I found it more difficult even than establishing breastfeeding - and I'm thinking of you, and sending you positive vibes.

I relate to what you have all said. When ds was born, I honestly did not love him at all and was overwhelmed with the life consuming nature of it all. There is no doubt at all in my mind that if babies came with a 28 day returns policy, I would have done so.

I had dd as soon after as possible as I knew that if I regained even the smallest shred of my life, I could never have another child and we had decided that we did not want ds to be an only child.

Ds is just 5 and dd is coming up to 4. There are still times when if they would just disappear for a bit and I could drink my coffee in peace I would be happier but generally, I love their noise and enthusiasm.

I remember before they were born, some weekends we were just bored and could not think of what to do. This is never the case now. It takes so little to achieve the most marvellous sense of wonder in them. I can't remember the last time I was bored.

It took me around 3 years to become accustomed to not being in control of my life anymore and really not being able to live it the way I wanted. However, it did get better and I would not (generally) now go back to how things were.

The sleeplessness is on of the worst things. And people really don't tell you that it can go on for years. Ds2 is 20 months and has always gotten up at least once. Now I think he's teething again and gettng up twice

Gingernut, I actually said to my dh when ds1 was 6 months that maybe we should put him up for adoption. I know that I would not have actually gone through with it but my head was in a really bad place about how I would cope with this very demanding little individual.

Hi all, just wanted to check in and say I'm still around, just haven't had the chance to post recentl. It's the school hols (which I always dread) and any time to myself will be non-existent in the next 6 weeks.

I can relate to so much of what everyone has posted recently. I can honestly say i have never really felt truly happy and contented since having DC's. There is always an element of anxiety/stress/worry about something or the other however small at the back of my mind.

Happy belated birthday zazen, love your posts! You are spot on. For me my own health since having DC's on a scale on 1 - 10 has pretty much always hovered around a 2 I'd say (10 being on top form), sometimes dipping to a 1 and sometimes going up to a 3 but never higher than that. And like you say when your own health is compromised, looking after such demanding young DC's is utterly draining. I honestly do no know how I have actually managed to survive til now. This year i have had 3 if not 4 courses of anti-biotics for various things. I am totally and completely worn out and run down, my immune system is shot to pieces as a result and I have been catching everything that's going. My doc has twice said to me I'm on the verge of being admitted to hospital.

Compare this to pre-DC's: I couldn't remember when I had last been to the GP, I used to voluntarily jump out of bed at 6am in the summer, go for a run, play tennis a couple of times a week after work, have an active social life, i used to regularly be mistaken for around 10 years younger than my actual age.

Now i can barely drag myself out of bed, even at 8am, i am constantly at the GP, for myself not the DC's, as for even the thought of going for a run or playing tennis, well........pigs might fly.

My only salvation is looking at mums with older DC's who are both settled at full time school...they seem to have got themselves together a bit and seem to have their own life back a little. (Although it could all be an illusion and they could be putting on a smiley face in public and tearing their hair out at home).

I can relate to the comments about putting DC's up for adoption, i have suggested it many a time to DH and also boarding school...i would never actually go through with it but those kind of thoughts reveal how desperate we all feel at times.

Having DC's could be described as first having a serious car crash in which you sustain anything from mild to sever injuries and from which it will take around 4 or 5 years to recover, whilst at the same time being transferred from free society to an open prison for a life sentence, with very occasional days/hours off at the sole and complete discretion of DH or others who are willing to childmind. Sorry that souunds grim but it's the truth for me anyway. I do absolutely love my DC's but I find motherhood so very very very hard and I strongly suspect that I am simply not cut out for this job but I have to stick with it as I can't hand in my notice and look for something else!

Hi all!

vizbizz - are you still around??

Well, today I am just hating it all so much. Have been feeling SO tired this week. DS has been constantly moaning today and it's been going through me.

Lunch times are a constant battle to get him to eat/eat anything healthy/feed himself.
Managed to hold it together but tonight I just couldn't face the whole bath thing. He hadn't got dirty today anyway so I just thought "Oh sod it", let him watch cartoons till 7, got his pyjamas on, wiped his face and cleaned his teeth in front of the telly!

Trying to get him upstairs is murder. I usually end up carrying him as he just flops around whining and moaning. Tonight, I just said I would get upset if he didn't walk upstairs like a big boy and mummy's back was very sore and he did it, thank God!

gingernutlover, you are on the home run! School is just around the corner... sleep deprivation is murder, especially for you, after three years! I think St Johns wort is pretty good, but you have to give it about three weeks to kick in. Like you, I find it hard to work up enthusiasm about clothes anymore! I also had a birthday the other day (happy birthday to you and zazen!). I was also 40 zazen...hated it... does it bother you? I was looking at pics earlier of when I was pregnant and I looked so young. It was only four years ago but I look about ten years younger. It's all the broken nights and stress.

stripyfrog, I found it hard from about 6 months also. I think in some ways it can suddenly hit you that you are responsible for this little person for the rest of your life and it kind of blows your mind. 2 is a difficult age as well, I agree with a lot of things you have said. Good luck with the new therapy.

oneplusone, I agree SO strongly with your last paragraph! I have often said I am not a natural mother!

What I really hate is the constant tiredness and exhausted feeling. DH comes home and flops on the sofa after a hard day, has a meal cooked and handed to him. He then stays there whilst I am clearing up, folding washing,tidying up toys,whatever (he isn't all bad, he does do quite a lot-just not during the week!!). It feels like a hamster's wheel. I go to bed feeling exhausted, grateful for sleep only to wake up still feeling like a 95 year old. I long for those lazy weekends of thinking "shall I just lie in bed with the papers or sit in front of some inane sunday morning programme until 11?

The one thing that seems to help me is exercise (when I can fit it in!). It is the only thing that stops me feeling old in the mornings and stops my back from aching. It's a little bit of time to myself, it clears my head and I can run/punch/row away all the aggression/pent up frustration/anger whilst playing some really loud shouty music on my ipod. Haven't done anything for a month so am now off to don my workout gear!

I know what you mean. I can't help thinking that I take the brunt of it even though dh does help out. It doesn't seem equal...

I worked in my new office today and it was incredibly busy. Still nowhere near as tiring as being at home.

Hi everyone, Drawn here as Jabber linked to it on another thread we're on.

Tiredness plays a huuuuge post in our feelings. I often get periods of anxiety (normally caused by external things like £) but it makes everything in the home with the children seem much harder.

My DD1 is gorgeous but quite high maintenance at times as she is very sensitive. I felt for a long time like I was doing things 'wrong' when really I should have just accepted her personality. DD2 has a different nature and so has been easier and more difficult at the same time.

I am, and always have been, quite a perfectionist and that means that I often set unachievable goals in many areas including childrearing.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break

Totally agree Eust.

I am a perfectionist at heart and get stressed out as I often can't do things the way I want (due to lack of time or DS demands for my attention).

Have had a lie in this morning, could barely wake up even at 10am (woke to DH telling DS "go and wake mummy up" and comments and me being lazy. STILL feel SO tired though-just hate it. Went downstairs to get coffee and try and wake up and ended up playing dinasours with DS whilst desperately trying to wake up. Had to disappear unpstairs again on the pretext of looking for something just to get away from the noise. Just sat reading a book for 20mins.

Tiredness is the number one underlying factor in all of it IMO.