Who regrets becoming a mum?

[vizbizz]

Ok, so we are in the terrible 2's and I know this makes it hard for most mums to cope with but with all the pain, health dramas, depression etc I have had since arrival of DS I find that all too often I really regret having become a mum. I love the little man, but if I had known what I was in for I cant help thinking I would never have gone ahead and become a mum. The guilt I feel for feeling like this is awful. Does anyone else feel like this? There is so much pain (physical and emotional) as a result of DS's arrival, so much frustration and so very very little joy. He's a beautiful, and thankfully healthy little man, but I find it so hard to be happy about what I have.

And no, I am not suffering from depression anymore, just this overwhelming sense of grief when I stop to think about it all. I keep trying to convince myself that it will get better, but it's already been 2 years and I just don't see any progress in this despite counselling and the other progress I have made there. I still keep wishing I had never made the decision to be a mum.

I guess I just want to know I am not the only one that feels like this.

Quite!! it's worse surely...people without children can just leave in disgust...

Do you ever have fantasies of just leaving the house and carrying on walking- god I do even in my better moods lol.

zoloft did kind of work but in the wrong way. Worked too much. I got very lively, doing yoga at 1 am and flirting inappropriately with all sorts! If you're doing any of the same it's a red flag

Have felt remarkably better since about 6pm this afternoon. Must be a cortisol thing??

Oh God Yes! DS is a climber and I always have some bruises to show for it. Limecrush, DS is also a screamer, and yells on the top of his lungs about everything. The only time he is quiet is when you tell him to be - and then only for a moment before he starts yelling again. I am sure its also just for attention. It really is exhausting. I hope citalopram starts to kick in for you, I have found it helpful beyond words. You should make up a questionnaire that you can email out to us for your monograph when you get to it. I'd definitely fill it in. anything that can raise awareness of this issue and help bring it to light some more is to be encouraged as much as possible!

Jabberwocky, I can relate to what you say about being at work! I have to admit DH is awesome on his days off and looks after DS a lot, and I just can't seem to get far enough away. It's awful, but I can't help it.

It's awesome to be able to share this with you all. I have a friend I can talk to about this, but she has only had a few days feeling like this, and can't really appreciate how draining it is to feel like this all the time. What a shame we aren't all in a neighbourhood so we could all go out have drinks and get it out of our systems on a regular basis.

I just keep hoping it will get better. Not just easier, but that I can feel more positive and loving and happy about it all.

I am so glad I found this refreshingly honest, truly supportive thread.

Oneplusone - have found myself nodding to your posts all the way through. And to other posters too.
Limecrush, I dearly hope you have the energy one day SOON to write your monograph.
Lots to say, but 2yo ds to look after...

How is everyone today?

Hi, I'm a bit up and down at the moment. I have been thinking the last few days about whether the fact I had an abusive childhood has a lot to do with my feelings of regret at becoming a mum and the lack of enjoyment of it all.

My counsellor told me that I would find it difficult to be a parent at times because my own childhood needs for love and nurturing were unmet (and will probably always remain unfulfilled) and because of that it will be hard and painful for me to meet my own DC's emotional needs, as essentially I am still 'needy' myself.

The reason i am mentioning this is because i have noticed that one or two posters on this thread have also posted on another thread I'm on which is about growing up in an abusive/dysfunctional family. I wonder if there is a connection between the two?

i've not read all the posts.

i definately get days i feel like i regret it.

ds was planned and a very traumatic 3 day labour as back to back.

fell pg with dd by accident 7 months later.

she fell out in 7 mins.but still a bad experience as nurses kept saying i wasn't established till i screamed she was gonna fall out in the loo.

just recovering from laser treatment after having pre cancerous cervical cells removed.

i would never ever purposefully try to get pg again.

all i want is my womb removed these days. been so much hassle over the past few years i feel like cutting it out and running away leaving kids with dh some days.

other days i feel great.

Also just wanted to say hi to everyone on here. Limecrush, I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. I hope you have some help/support around you like family or friends.

Hi walnutshell, it's so nice to know I'm not alone and that others feel this way. Feeling that you are the only one to be thinking these things is awful, it is so wonderful to be able to post on here and be completely honest without being judged or criticised. To be understood is liberating.

I've noticed a number of you are on AD's and i'm pleased that they are helping you feel better. I have never taken AD's, but i have been seeing a counsellor for around a year about my childhood. It has been a long and slow and painful process but I am progressively feeling better and better about myself and no longer feel depressed. I still have up and down days, but i think the long term low level depression i had has lifted.

I have also mentally changed the way I think about becoming a parent. I have completely let go of the idea that it is supposed to be enjoyable and rewarding etc. I now view it almost as a 'service to society'. ie I am bringing up the future generation of taxpayers/workers etc and society as a whole will benefit (provided I don't f*ck them up) and if I get any enjoyment/reward from it, it's purely a bonus and not something i should expect as a matter of course. For me this is the only way to cope with it all.

Hi jabberwocky and everyone,

I have had a child free day as DS is at nursery. I have missed him (as I always do when he's not here) but as soon as I pick him up he usually starts with demands and whinging and after about five mins I think "God, I just can't take this anymore".

Have been feeling very guilty over last couple of days over my feelings about parenthood. I just don't feel very good at it sometimes. Every day I think I'll do more with DS and we'll sit down and play a game but if he is quite happy playing with his cars or pottering about I just let him get on with it. There always seems to be something to do in the house or a meal to cook, washing to put on etc.

I just can't stop this feeling that I'm failing him in some way as I don't give him much one to one playing with me. I just find it so tedious and boring. I wonder if he whines because I'm not stimulating him enough? I always listen to him and answer questions and we do lots outside the house-swimming, tumble tots etc. but being inside having to play kids games would drive me nuts. This is one of the least appealing parts of being a parent IMO. I long for adult company instead of power ranger and dinasour talk. Anyone else feel this way?

oneplusone, I love your comment about it being a service to society-I am going to start thinking of it that way!

Twizzler, you have hit the nail on the head for me, I long for adult company instead of DD's whinging and whining (who wouldn't I ask you?!) and I absolutely HATE the DC's seeminly constant fighting. I just don't know how to handle it, DS is only 2 so can't really reason with him and DD is nearly 5 so can reason a little bit but not much.

And I totally understand the feeling of missing them while they're away but then 5 minutes after getting them home I wish I hadn't bothered as the fighting, whinging and whining and demands start and I feel like running away.

Surely EVERYONE hates this aspect of parenting, not just those (brave souls) on this thread?

Twizzler, I don't think you're failing him. As long as knows you love him that's all that is important IMHO. It may not sound like much, but I didn't feel I was loved as child, more like I was unwanted and hated at times, and that has affected me a lot as an adult.

My DD seems to cry at the drop of a hat, if you just brush past her she screams like she's being murdered, same if DS sits in 'her' place on the sofa, same if DS touches one of her things, etc etc. I have compassion fatigue most of the time these days and I feel awful when i see others mums being all soft and sympathetic when their DC falls over or something. I do have compassion for DD when she is upset, but just not at EVERY single upsetting thing which seems to occur every 60 seconds or so.

oneplusone, that sounds really tough. Not sure I would have ANY patience if I had another child!

Feel sofor you about your childhood. God knows, I have issues with my parents but I knew my they loved me. Your DC will know this too even though they drive you demented at times!

The whinging, whining and fighting that goes on between siblings is another thing that IMO parents seem to brush under the carpet sometimes. I have heard some horrific stories of brothers and sisters fighting (perhaps this could be another thread subject?!!) There is one thing worse than listening to a child whining and that's two or three of them at it.

S'pose I should go and get bathtime started-deep joy!

twizzler, I feel just the same as far as one on one time with the dcs. I try to think up fun things to do with them or sit and play a game, etc but rarely does it really work out.

oneplusone, I totally agree that your childhood experiences have to have some affect on your parenting experiences. The good thing is that you know what NOT to do and you are conscious of how your feelings can affect your children. Going to therapy is terrific to work on this and that alone shows that you are a caring mother My ds1 is also very sensitive about all kinds of little things. In fact, he was finally diagnosed last year with sensory processing disorder and we started doing occupational therapy to help with that. I can tell that he is better already. We also use key phrases with him when he is going off the deep end like "You're really intense/dramatic right now" or "Yes, you feel things very deeply" etc. It may sound kind of ridiculous but it does help calm him and has restored some semblance of normality to our household. Still, when ds1 is off doing something and it's just ds2 things are way easier.

Not now, no, but I did for a while after DS was born, although I don't think I dared admit it to mysekf at the time. I felt bored, trapped and knackered for months...it was horrendous.

jabberwocky, I also think my son has sensory processing disorder. I have the "Out of Sync Child" book. As yet, have not read it as didn't have the energy when I saw how thick the book was. Don't have the energy for a lot these days...

Have lent it to a friend but must get it back. I think this is a lot to do with why myself and DH have found parenting hard. The way DS reacts to things sometimes is so over the top. He has always had a very piercing cry too. Not great when you are craving peace and quiet...

Yep, get it back and read some at least. Just knowing what is going on with them can be a big help. We took ds1 off dairy and saw an improvement in his behavior within a week! We also have him on omega 3's and high doses of vitamin A and D. I can't believe the difference it has made He's still a challenge but not 24/7 at least.

hi jabberwocky and twizzler, thank you for your support, makes me feel better already .

I've not heard of sensory processing disorder but will google it, sounds like DD might have it too. Did your GP diagnose it? My DD has always been highly strung and I am convinced it is due to the immense stress I was under when i was pregnant due to various problems in my life at the time. I have read about prolonged stress during pregnancy and it's effect on the unborn baby and I am sure that is why DD is the way she is. DS on the other hand is soooo placid, easy going and just happy all the time and that is exactly how i felt whilst pregnant with him, i was so relaxed, so happy and contented, i don't think i had any real stress in my life at that time.

I would love to try and help DD, jabberwocky, did a nutritionist recommend those supplements? Who should I consult about DD? I minimise the dairy for both DC's but haven't given them omega 3's etc.

Having said all that, it actually turned out yesterday that DD's 2 best friends at school had been 'really mean' to her yesterday and that's why she was so grumpy when she got home. Trouble is it all only came out after about an hour of grumpiness by which time i was ready to walk out. But next time she is grumpy i am going to ask her outright if her friends have been mean to her, that is nearly always the cause of her bad moods i have realised (a little late in the day unfortunately).

I feel i need a lesson in child psychology, as i feel i can cope so much better if i understand how DD's mind is working. It's strange as we were all children once but i find it impossible to get 'into her head' at times and that is what is needed i think to make this parenting lark do-able without losing your own mind!

mrsmattie, hello, what you have said is the core of the problem i think. We have ALL felt the way you have described but like you said we hardly dare admit it to ourselves let alone out loud to other people in RL. The question is WHY? Why do we feel we have to keep these feelings to ourselves? Why are we only 'allowed' to show happiness, joy, bliss, when it comes to our DC's? Why do these damaging taboos exist and what can we do to eradicate them?

Have just skimmed the thread, some really amazing (in a good way) analysis I think.

Haven't much to add right now but definitely feel this way sometimes/often.

Am not depressed or on AD, didn't have a traumatic birth, work full-time but sometimes stay in the office instead of coming home...

But spend 1 day a week with kids and enjoy it mostly !

Hope everyone's ok.

Hi, haventslept,

"Am not depressed or on AD, didn't have a traumatic birth, work full-time but sometimes stay in the office instead of coming home..."

Welcome to the club!

Ohhhhhh...this thread has made me feel, if not better, then not alone.
I have 2 DS (4 & nearly 7) & am a SAHM (was made redundant 2 yrs ago from a nice, creative job & decided to stay at home because DS1 was about to start school). They are both at school now so I get a lot of time to myself but I find the 4 or 5 hours between school pick up & bedtime sooooo hard - and isn't that terrible, when I haven't seen them all day? They are beautiful & I love them, but I loathe the bickering, the ordering me about like a servant, the demands, the whining, the arguing... Last Summer holidays I really hated every minute & in September when other parents at school asked me how the holidays were for me I told the truth & everyone was shocked! I felt awful, inadequate.
I have childless friends & whenever I try to say this to them they just presume I am depressed & tell me to get counselling or ADs & it drives me nuts!!!
One of them absolutely longs for a husband & kids (it's too late for kids for her) so is completely unsympathetic. She was over the other evening after I'd had an extremely tiring day doing a fete & the DSs just wouldn't go to bed (DH was out). It was nearly 9pm & I hadn't sat down, or eaten, or relaxed & I just lost it & started screaming at them. And so my friend was really shocked & told me off & said none of her other friends shouted at their children ["Bully for f*cking them, I thought) & whilst I know I shouldn't have lost it I was really pissed off with her & to be honest I haven't spoken to her since as I feel she thinks I'm horrible to my children! She, of course, is not there when DS2 is repeatedly hitting me because I won't give him a 3rd biscuit. (& I don't lose it).

And then of course there are the parents who either lie or who have easier children, for whom everything is great. When people say "I love being a mum" I think "Why?" &"What is it you love about it exactly?"

Reading this thread I meant to respond systematically to so many points but instead I've garbled a post - sorry!

This thread has just come along at the right time for me (thanks viz) with so many posts saying so much that I can identify with and I cried throughout reading it

I feel ashamed posting because I have a lovely ds (2.8) and a dh who is very supportive, listens well, doesn't criticise, takes over the childcare most of the time when he is home (currently he works, I - well, I bloody work too, but at home!)... Yet there is something that stops me living a full life. Probably lots of reasons outside having ds but this has brought it to a head. I have only been full time at home for a year when we moved 200+ miles away from friends and family (in law) (but no regrets) and I can see I'm on a steady decline recently. I don't seem able to hold conversations like I used to, I get overwhelmed almost every day over nothing, I feel constantly anxious, I get intensely angry esp at poor ds, I can't concentrate properly, I'm tired all the time... It's just so frustrating and depressing and - sometimes - I feel that I have no hope for the future.

Moan over. Back to the therapy of reading this thread. Thanks all.

I know what I meant to say...

Someone mentioned certain personality types being more suited to parenthood. I am definitely at the Lone Wolf end of the spectrum. I treasure my (interior) space & need time to read, think, be dreamy. I also loathe tidying other people's mess 10 times a day! I like order & calm & with 2 boys I have to work hard to achieve it.

I genuinely am in awe of people who choose to have more than 2 children. Or in fear, as they're obviously insane. ( )

thanks oneplusone.

Can totally relate to several comments about being away from the kids all day and still finding it difficult when I pick them up.

Feel so guilty about it but actually DH is the same - which makes it worse/or better???

Doesn't mean I don't love them (but I don't think anyone on this thread would judge like that, we know how it feels, right?).

Glad I found this thread, it was totally different to what I expected - nearly didn't open it.