Who regrets becoming a mum?

[vizbizz]

Ok, so we are in the terrible 2's and I know this makes it hard for most mums to cope with but with all the pain, health dramas, depression etc I have had since arrival of DS I find that all too often I really regret having become a mum. I love the little man, but if I had known what I was in for I cant help thinking I would never have gone ahead and become a mum. The guilt I feel for feeling like this is awful. Does anyone else feel like this? There is so much pain (physical and emotional) as a result of DS's arrival, so much frustration and so very very little joy. He's a beautiful, and thankfully healthy little man, but I find it so hard to be happy about what I have.

And no, I am not suffering from depression anymore, just this overwhelming sense of grief when I stop to think about it all. I keep trying to convince myself that it will get better, but it's already been 2 years and I just don't see any progress in this despite counselling and the other progress I have made there. I still keep wishing I had never made the decision to be a mum.

I guess I just want to know I am not the only one that feels like this.

oneplusone, it was a long road to a diagnosis. I actually got a hint from a thread on MN about Highly Sensitive Children (HSC), got a book on that, thought ds1 was definitely described. The book said at the extreme end they could have sensory processing disorder and it took me a while to find out that an occupational therapist is the one to test for that. It was such a relief to have someone finally confirm that ds1 is a difficult child and there are reasons for that. Also with therapy, especially in the preschool years, things can get better. As far as the supplements, it was a colleague who is a behavioral optometrist and sees a lot of kids with ADHD, autism, etc. I wasn't sure at first but seeing is believing.

I too feel guilty when I realize that I'm frustrated with the kids after just a short time. I absolutely could not imagine staying home with them full-time. Dh agrees taht it would not be good for anyone!

hi jabbwerwocky, thanks for replying. Can you remember which book you got about HSC (or is that what it was called?). I think DD is definately leaning in that direction, she went berserk this morning because DS was sitting on her bed, she hit him a few times and he just sat there calmly! They are like chalk and cheese.

hi all,

It's sad to see so many of us are struggling, but it is awesome that so many people have responded and found some comfort in knowing they aren't alone in this. Since DS arrived I found I haven't really been able to think straight, and many people's posts here (especially oneplusone) have really given the way I feel a coherent way to be expressed. I am still seeing a psychologist occasionally to help me deal with the trauma issues and I think I will raise some of these issues with him at the next appointment and see what he suggests.

Jabberwocky, I have never before heard of HSC and it is amazing. Looking back I can see I was one of those as a child it really fits the picture, but late teens/ early 20's was a time of growth for me so I outgrew the shyness and became an extrovert! Though still the same in most other ways. Ds doesn't fit it completely, but he definitely picks up on moods and subtle changes - he doesn't miss a thing. Even from a very early age he always seemed to pick up on my moods an when I was particularly depressed he really seemed to pick up on it and always had this look in his eye that was wise way beyond his years. Those days he used to play on his own which he otherwise never did. Now when he picks up on it he gets extra clingy which is just what I don't need in that mindset. sigh he is very demanding and persistent, and I definitely find a quieter approach to teaching and discipline is better for him. Yell, and he loses it completely.

As other have mentioned on this thread I yell too much at him, though I am working hard at this since it is so negative for both of us. It's interesting what is suggested for dealing with kids like this as I have stumbled on this a bit through hit and miss, but it requires so much energy! Some days it is so hard to maintain the empathetic yet firm stance. At least this info has given me some insight into how to do things with him, and maybe that will help things get a bit easier.

It's hard to believe up to 20% of kids have this and yet this is the first time I have heard of it! Thanks Jabberwocky!

vizbizz, I know I think I am/was the same. They say it is fairly likely that at least one parent has those traits.

oneplus, it was The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them (Paperback)
by Elaine Aron (Author). A really great book to start with.

I am starting to wonder if at least some of us have fallen into this dilemma of mothering because we have ultra-demanding overly sensitive children? I mean, to have even 2 or 3 on the same thread is pretty amazing don't you think? Ds1 had one of his major meltdowns in front of my mother today and it was the first time she has seen the full force of it. She was really shocked. I think it did help her to realize what we deal with on a regular basis. fortunately he doesn't have these kinds of episodes every day anymore at least.

Walnutshell, I think you should go to the doctor and tell your doctor what you've just told us. You sound horribly depressed.

I've just made an appointment, Colditz so thanks for the push. The final straw came after doing the school run and freaking out at ds for what certainly constitutes normal toddler behaviour. Dh off today and he has taken over because I am clearly insane. Or at least sometimes.
I have no idea how to start a conversation with the doctor, I feel totally self-conscious and as though she will think I am full of self-pity. Am going this morning.

Hi ladies

Please can I join you?

I have been following this thread since the start and have finally plucked up the courage to post.

I can relate to so much of what many of you have said already. I know I am not a natural Mum, I knew that even in my pregnancy and it frightened the hell out of me.

There´s no question I love my 18 mo DS but some days I really want to walk away, really want to turn back time. It doesn´t help that I live abroad (but thats another thread) and some days I find that alone unbearable.

I find motherhood to be so monotonous, something I daren´t admit in RL. I am no good at playing with DS for me its just so tedius. Then I realise that´s probably what causes him to play up. Guilt sets in again

Most days I have little patience, lose my temper easily, burst into tears all in front of DS and then I am overcome with guilt and feel I don´t deserve to be a mother. I am also such a worrier, I can´t relax and it scares me how much that will impact on DS to have such a wound up mother. I have recently been prescribed ADs but am afraid to take them in case they turn me into a zombie.

Despite all this I really don´t want DS to be an only one. But how I could even contemplate having a second when I feel like this is beyond me.

It does help to write this down and see that I am not the only one out there.

I really relate to the personality types. I have to admit I am quite a loner (I so wish I wasn´t) and really like my own space and quietness

Oops that went a bit wrong...

I meant to say that I often wonder if I have the kind of personality that just doesn´t suit motherhood.
I see other Mums that are just so natural, and I know that´s not me

How did it go, walnutshell?

Thanks for asking, Colditz. Hmm, not sure. Explained how I was feeling which I find very difficult and probably don't get across very well ... doc seemed sympathetic, reasonably interested ... sent me away with the HAD scale questionnaire which I have completed and I'm fairly sure scores me high on anxiety, moderate on depression. Anyway, I go back and see her in a week and she will consider medication/counselling. Is this the usual process? Now I just feel empty. DH has taken DS out on various errands so will be away much of the day. I might sleep.

welcome bebes - I can sympathise with the lack of patience. I have none.

Hi, I'm so glad this thread was started (thanks vizbizz). Agree with you it's sad so many mums feel this way but glad we have each other's support.

Hi bebespain, it's good that you posted! Sometimes just pouring it all out on here helps!

Walnutshell, well done for going to GP. Can't help with what's next am afraid but am sure someone will know and be along shortly. At least you have made the first step towards feeling better. I totally understand what you are saying with how you are feeling. I could have been reading about myself. However, I don't feel like this all the time. I don't really know what's wrong with me sometimes. I get PMT but it seems to be increasing and it feels like I get it about two weeks out of four ATM. I'm just wondering whether it's not actually PMT and maybe I am just depressed.

I feel so strange and wound up and tearful today that I can't even type or think properly.

Yes Twizzler, same here. But when I spoke to the doc, it's easy to sort of play it down as you are in a 'sterile' situation and, in my case today, without ds. Came home, felt OK, spent ten mintues with dh and ds and was a nervous wreck again even though dh was entirely in charge of ds IYSWIM. I just feel like it'll never ever change now.

Don't know if I've departed from the OP too much. It stuck a chord because of the inevitable immense change in your life and the weighty feeling of being stuck with the options. Or something.

Hi
Just wanted to log in as I have had a bad two days - ds 7months is such a bad sleeper and on thurs and fri I have dd 3.10 who just talks all day. I feel really angry that I have had not had a good nights sleep for so long. Lost my patience with ds as he would not have a nap - I feel like a rubbish mother and not like the person I was. I feel like a grumpy impatient not fun to be with person. Did not help that dp is working late. I can really relate to not suiting this job - the sad thing is - is that I thought I would be really good at being a mum

Sorry you were not feeling great after getting back from GP Walnutshell. Sending ((((hugs)))). God, it feels rubbish being a woman sometimes-is it ALL hormonal maybe?

Feel as if I'm talking crap ATM. MY brain feels all scrambled. It's taking me ages to type as I keep making mistakes and giving me a tension headache from concentrating.

I feel as if I am deviating from the subject matter too, so apologies but sometimes I think it all intertwined anyway. Was meaning to post on the PMT thread that was started recently but it's taking me long enough to post on this!!

The funny thing is I haven't felt that bad about the whole parenting thing for the last couple of day (but then DS has been really good-could be why?). One thing that has helped has been reading another thread start by redmist "I feel so vicious towards my children....". There are some good tips in there. I have using the one about imagining a tv crew are filming you and also just pretending that you are a happy fabulous mum (this one more difficult!).

janx, sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it. IMHO, SO much of it is to do with not having enough sleep. If you have a good night's sleep, at least your'e not starting the day under par. It's just that cumulative build up.

Anyway, waffling again. Hopefully will make more sense in a couple of days. Off to eat biscuits and punch the hell out of some cushions...

janx, I can totally sympathize with the lack of sleep. I have two bad sleepers and can't remember what it's like to function on the normal amount of sleep. There's a reason sleep deprivation is considered torture...

walnutshell, I still have days like that so I know exactly what you are talking about. The zoloft has cut down on the frequency and intensity of it (for the most part) but I still get so frustrated

I was thinking at one point that historically women were either working in rural farm type situations or in the industrial age they were in a factory and older members of the family looked after the children. Heck, even women who didn't have to work had nannies and governesses it seems. so when did it come about that we started being expected to spend hours and hours every day being happy in the extreme with babies, toddlers and preschoolers? It is hard work and on the days that I don't take the dcs out of the house to do an activity I sometimes think I'm going to go insane from the overwhelming tedium of my life - which of course makes me feel horribly guilty!

And the cycle continues...

Hi all, and welcome Walnut. It's great you sought help, and it is hard to really get it across in a GP meeting, but you have taken a step forward. It's a huge step, so don't feel bad about it.

I know we have been talking negative stuff so far, but today I just had to get on here and write, I am sooooo excited and wanted to post something positive for a change (so unlike me!) so please don't blast me.

For the last year or so I have been wanting to get a website going, and last night/this morning I have finally got it started!!!!! Looking after DS means I can't just jump in and do it all in one go, but he's having a nap and I have just managed to upload some stock!!!! Oh boy it just hit me how much I have to enter before I have all my stock loaded.

Even so, I can't begin to describe how much it's helping me feel good. This morning when he was whining and having a tanty I just stayed focussed on what I want to do and it helps so much. It's given me some direction and another interest again. Don't know how long the enthusiasm will last, but I am soaking it up as much as I can. It's such a relief to feel positive about something again. I had forgotten how it feels.

thanks for comments all, this thread so helpful.

well done vizbizz, great news! keep up the momentum x

This is a great thread. I am not sure I relate to it in terms of my baby but do with my DSD. When I had DD I was completely overwhelmed - and still I find the changes my life has gone through, and the lack of the end in sight to the no-sleep completely baby life I have now frightening. But I love her dearly and hope this will see me through. My DSD (who am adopting and care for enormously) is 9. She is, I can see, an amazingly great girl. She is funny and bright and enjoys my company. I wish I enjoyed hers. I get snippets of time when I think 'THis is it! Family life being lovely!' and feel full of love and care for her. But most of the time her incessant talking bores me and I resent the constant having to do dull 9 year-old activities. Sometimes she annoys me so much I feel I hate her. But I can't tell anyone because they look at me funny and talk about what a great girl she is. So I think it must be just me. But sometimes I think 'Yes, I'd really enjoy her company if I could be like her aunties and grandparents and just swan in for the treats and fun'. It's the daily grind that does my head in. I just hope it changes with DD. I don't want to always feel this way.

I don't think people talk about this enough. At least, not in a supportive and non-judgmental way. I remember that thread by redmist, and how grateful I was for it. I have read lots of this from the beginning and feel similarly glad that I am not the only person in the world to occasionally think 'Fuck - is this IT? What happened to me?'.

i am not going to be popular but your own child is a blessing.I know it just takes a little time you will get your own life back just be happy your baby is healthy.You might have a bit of post natal depresion.JUst make the most of THINK WOT EFFECT YOU HAD ON YOUR YOUNG BABY.make the life happy for your self as well.Just be glad i know some who works in a hospice for kids.Of course it does take it out in your sleeping patterns but that is natural that is part of the package.When they are older you will have to drag them out of bed.for nursery /school etc.I am not judging any 1 .JUst be so pleased you can be there as a mother.If you dont feel u are able to cope see a doc.

Very interesting thread. For me the two main issues are:

1. Body Image - I am still 10 pounds heavier than pre pregnancy and I have awful stretch marks, jelly belly and saggy boobs (BF for a year). I wasn't skinny to begin with so now I am a size 14-16. I want another baby but really fear what it will do to my body. I know deep down this is shallow and the product of a life long obsession with my weight (my father bullied me about it). Why does it bother me so much? We should be able to embrace our life giving bodies with pride but society dictates that we should strive for perfection (whatever that is?).

2. Society - As women we are expected to enjoy motherhood and cherish our babies. Have tidy homes, hold down demanding careers and look great. WE ARE EXPECTED TO DO THIS WITH VERY LITTLE SUPPORT. Yes a lot of us have supportive partners and some have parents/in laws near by (and a lot don't even have that) but motherhood needs the WHOLE community. It is a feminist issue because mothering just isn't valued. Size zero, money and success are. That is why we feel unfulfilled and resent our children sometimes.

We must be able to express our feelings and get support. When will it change?

Just thought I would add these lines from James Joyce's Ulysses. He deals with the subject of motherhood and what it means.

'Amor matris: subjective and objective genitive. With her weak blood and whey sour milk she had fed him and hid from sight of others his swaddling bands'

'Ugly and futile: lean neck and tangled hair and a stain of ink, a snail's bed. yet someone had loved him, borne him in her arms and in her heart. But for her the race of the world would have trampled him under foot, a squashed boneless snail. She had loved his weak watery blood drained from her own. Was that then real? The only true thing in life?'

We give our lives to raise the next generation. Is this the only true thing in life? Our only purpose?

moher3, I am actually surprised that we were able to post as much as we did before someone came along with comments like yours. I have tried to "reason" myself out of depression before and it really doesn't work, as any qualified therapist will tell you. Many of us have already been through therapy and personally I am on ADs which at least keep me from being suiciadal and help with anxiety attacks. Obviously you have never felt the way the rest of us do and that is great. But this is really a support thread, not a place to twist the knife of guilt. We already do that to ourselves every day, thank you very much.

vizzbizz, congrats on the website! I know what a huge accomplishment it feels like to finally get something done that is just for you

ellieg, I would think maybe it's harder with a stepchild b/c you are stepping in at a certain point in her life without all of the bonding done in infancy, etc. It's got to be really hard! And isn't 9 considered to be a "tween" now? That word didn't exist when I was growing up but I think it's supposed to reflect the new challenges of that age.

rose - yes, society has done an about-face in what we are expected to accomplish. I posted something similar earlier about previous generations getting much more help from extended family. It is different nowadays.

dh has agreed to take the dcs out for a couple of hours this morning so I can maybe get the house organized a bit more. We moved 6 weeks ago and the unpacking has been slowed down even more that normal b/c of a delay in getting a new floor in the bedroom. A chaotic house really adds to my anxiety level so maybe this will help.

Walnutshell, Twizzler - thanks for the welcome!

Having a particularly bad day today. DS hasn´t had a nap and my patience is wearing thin, I feel like I can´t breathe. He follows me to the loo and screams while I´m there.

A question for those of you taking ADs - have you found them to be of help? I have a pack of Fluoxetine sitting in my bathroom cabinet that I am really nervous to start to take. I am scared they will turn me into a zombie. Am I being too over cautious?

They literally saved my life bebespain. Maybe give it a try and see. You're not obligated to keep taking them if they don't help. Just let your dh know in case you have any side effects - I did not have any adverse effects, btw.

jabberwocky, am with you re mother3's comments.

All of us here love and are grateful for our children. I adore my DS but am just really grateful for the support on here.

Some days it just helps to unload and tell it like it is.