Who regrets becoming a mum?

[vizbizz]

Ok, so we are in the terrible 2's and I know this makes it hard for most mums to cope with but with all the pain, health dramas, depression etc I have had since arrival of DS I find that all too often I really regret having become a mum. I love the little man, but if I had known what I was in for I cant help thinking I would never have gone ahead and become a mum. The guilt I feel for feeling like this is awful. Does anyone else feel like this? There is so much pain (physical and emotional) as a result of DS's arrival, so much frustration and so very very little joy. He's a beautiful, and thankfully healthy little man, but I find it so hard to be happy about what I have.

And no, I am not suffering from depression anymore, just this overwhelming sense of grief when I stop to think about it all. I keep trying to convince myself that it will get better, but it's already been 2 years and I just don't see any progress in this despite counselling and the other progress I have made there. I still keep wishing I had never made the decision to be a mum.

I guess I just want to know I am not the only one that feels like this.

I love the POW comment jabberwocky - that's it!

I think the isolation really didn't help me - and my gal pals ringing me up after the birth and saying to me Hello Mum and not using my name and telling me I wouldn't get any birthday presents anymore as I was now a Mummy sent me spiralling into a deep place.. I know it was a small thing but it pushed me over an edge like I'd just become anonymous and didn't have a life or rights anymore.

I'd love to see a REAL book about how childless gal pals could actually HELP a new mum friend. Practical stuff. Not newborn clothes from Gap shopping advice.

I had the little voice calling me for DD, haven't heard any since! It's an insistent one isn't it?

zazen, I had totally forgotten about the "Hello Mommy" that one of my friends started doing. I really hated that but never could bring myself to tell her!

I think it's amazing how many of us have experienced the little voice calling. As soon as ds2 was born I knew with such clarity that our family was complete. Insistent is a perfect description.

I think this is another one of those taboo areas along with things like sometimes feeling violent towards your child. I think most if not all mums feel like this sometimes but won't necessarily admit it in real life. I remember before I had my son reading The Lovely Bones. One of the characters muses about what her life would have been like if she hadn't had her kids. I remember thinking 'how horrible! What kind of a mother regrets having children?'. I ate my thoughts when DS was born! I was a sucker for the whole smiley babies and beautiful bonding thing. Yes it is like this sometimes but not all the time. Sometimes it is a drudge and toddlers can be VERY demanding. Only this morning I lost it with him and shoved him on the sofa quite agressively because he had been up since 4.45 and I had only manged a few hours sleep. then comes the guilt. Most days I look at my body in the mirror and yearn for my old toned self, I have given up a good career to be at home with him. I really think it is normal to feel like this sometimes. But somewhere, something makes it worth it. I like to think when I am on my death bed looking back at life and when looks, money and success etc don't matter anymore, I know this was more important

I feel it is only just dawning on me what a lifelong sacrifice I have made to have our DC's. I always somehow had a vague idea that I would only give up my career whilst the DC's were young and that once they started school somehow my life would almost go back to how it was pre-DC's. That was completely stupid of me I realise now, but it is only just starting to hit me how I will never again be able to focus on the things i want to do be it career or anything else. My own needs and wants will always take second place to that of my DC's. That doesn't mean i will never have 'me' time etc, i ensure i do have me time regularly to, but it is just that me time as opposed to my life.

My life is not my own anymore and never will be whereas DH does still have to a large extent his life in the same way it was before the DC's. He can focus on his career without any guilt and at the same time feel satisfied that he is doing the best for his family. DH has always told me that our so called hard won equality is a myth and he is right. We will always be at a disadvantage in a man's world due to simple biology ie we are the one's to have babies and no amount of legislation on equal rights etc will have any impact how drastically a woman's life will change once she has a baby.

I wonder whether i am actually going through some sort of mourning process for my old life and the old (or rather younger!) me, pre-DC's. I know that mourning involves many emotions and that at the end of the process there is acceptance and moving on. I do hope that at some point I will come to terms with my life as it is ie with DC's and be able to accept it and look forward feeling a bit happier than i do now.

Perhaps I am able to take a step back and look at my life right now as i am slowly moving away from the really intense stage when the DC's are very young when you really don't have time to think, you just have to do what you have to do and get through each day as best you can. Now DD is at full time school and DS is at nursery 2 days a week I feel the pace has slowed a bit and i therefore have more time to think and have gained a bit of perspective. As i said, it is slowly starting to dawn on me that I cannot do a single thing anymore without first considering the impact on the DC's (and DH!).

Sorry this is turning into a bit of ramble, but i do wonder if any of you feel the same? That this feeling of regret at becoming a mum is in some way a mourning/greiving for your pre-DC life/body/freedom and perhaps once you have worked through the greiving process you will feel some sort of acceptance (and hopefully a bit of happiness) at the new life you now have with the DC's at the heart of it?

Oh, yes, absolutely! I have said more than once that the birth of a child is the complete circle of life as your old life dies at the moment the child is born. The grieving process is then made more difficult because you really don't have the proper time to do it.

Haven't posted for a few days so just sat here reading comments amazed by what I am reading. If only people were this honest in RL.

vizbizz, I agree with you about feeling sorry for myself and feeling sick of it! I said to my DH recently that I've never felt that happy since having DS, well not an overwhelming, isn't life great feeling. He just thinks I'm a miserable cow most of the time.

zazen, I agree with you about a real self help book. I always said that I was going to write a no holds barred book about how grim it was especially at the beginning when you are still in shock and wonder what has happened to you. I felt like I had been in hibernation for the first few weeks. I felt like the real me had died and been replaced by some milk producing, sleep deprived, forgetful android. Maybe we should all get together and write "The truth about motherhood" by Anonymous.

jabberwocky-LOVED your POW comment. I too hate it when you are trying to share with another person and all you get it "Oh it's great, I love it". I don't want "Oh I fucking hate it, my life is over" but just some truthful acknowledgment. Those "Oh he slept through at 2 weeks/breastfeeding was a breeze/I've been waiting all my life for this, I feel so fulfilled" comments are so unhelpful. Great if that's your experience of motherhood but be sensitive around other mums and keep your mouth zipped FGS.

Madamz-time to yourself is KEY I so agree with that. I would go MAD if I was at home with DS every day. I don't know how some mums are with their DC every minute of every day.

Thank God we can have a vent on here....

I don't regret becoming or being a mum, I feel I can't describe it as that because I do enjoy it a lot and wouldn't change it. But I do think a lot about my life if I hadn't had a child - in fact it is almost like a parallel life that branched off somewhere, and in that life I am single and carefree and think about nothing but my career, friends, holidays, loverrrs and doing things like gardening or sewing all day. I see things like beautiful wallpaper or a frivolous tea set and think "In my other life I have those things, I could choose that for myself, I could afford it, it wouldn't get ruined, I wouldn't have to consult with anyone." (DP is out of the picture too in my fantasy! even though we're happy together)

It is a bit weird but because I don't feel it's regret as such, just a fantasy double life, it's easier not to feel guilty about it. I try to think of it as "I wanted kids so much, but hey, if all this had never happened, think how happy I could be in other ways."

Oneplusone: I don't mean to pick at you but your comment about how women can never have equality in a man's world made it seem as though we should just shut up and suffer. Actually, what we should remember is that an awful lot of the guilt and misery around modern motherhood is due to misogyny not biology. From the don't-drink-whle-pg/ttc/OF CHILDBEARING AGE propaganda that's based on fuck- all medical evidence but carries a subtext of Women Know Your Place you are Breeding Machines to the various incomplete, non-replicable and biased studies suggesting that anything other than abject female slavery damages Children and Society, there is a huge backlash against women going on right now. (I don't entirely agree with the whole of this piece but it is interesting reading.

So agree with you there madamez. The state of gender inequality in this country (both obvious and insidious) is appalling and getting worse. As an old-school feminist I've been shocked by how many women not just my age but younger are so wary of feminism and unaware of how sexism and misogyny work, unwilling to make a connection between small-scale daily inequalities like disrespect towards women/unequal and unfair sharing of housework and childcare/sexist slogans on kids' clothes/focus on women's bodies and appearance/rise of plastic surgery, and bigger issues such as unequal pay, rape convictions and DV. We sigh and wring our hands over things like honour killings and Taleban oppression of women for going to school or not wearing their headscarves - but so few women/people are prepared to think about or resist the deep inequalities inherent in our society.

However, I have noticed the media pick up on it more of late and there is a new wave of proper feminism among younger women starting to pick up.

Does MN have a feminism topic - maybe it should.

Thankyou for this thread. I have nothing useful to add to the debate, but reading this stuff is why I come on MN. Is so reassuring to know that motherhood is different for everyone.
And the comment about mourning your old life has really struck a chord. Was such an excellent description of how this feels.
So many thanks indeed for being so honest. i agree if only people in RL would be!! (I have tried but generally people look aghast when I suggest i am anything other than blissfully happy... so now I keep quiet).

Hi madamez, i appreciate your comment. But I absolutely don't think we should just shut up and accept our lot in life. However, the fact remains men and women are and always will be biologically different. Having a baby will always put us at a disadvantage in a man's world as once we have had DC's our emotional world changes, we have a vulnerability in a way men don't. I don't actually know what the answer is, as years of feminism seem to have hardly made a dent in the way our society operates.

One thing i do know is that women seem to be equally as capable of misogynistic views as men and whereas we can't change men we can all change ourselves. We should stop condemning each other if somebody speaks out and says they find looking after their kids boring for eg. I find women are usually much harsher on other women than men and that old phrase springs to mind 'united we stand, divided we fall', if we can't even support each other how can we ever hope to make any headway in a man's world. Men all seem very good at sticking together and standing by each other, it's us women who are usually all bitching and backstabbing each other.

I know MN is an exception to this as it is usually very supportive but it seems that it's only because it's anonymous. If we were to speak out like this in real life to other woman they would be shocked and no doubt be bitching and gossiping about us at the first opportunity.

This thread has really made me feel that I am not alone - I thought that I was feeling a loss because I am an older mum - had my first as I had just turned 39 and am 42 now with a second. Having a 3.5 year old and a 7 month old has really drained me. For the first few months of my second baby's life I would be up bf in the middle of the night fantasying about how I could escape - jump in the car and just drive.

I don't feel like myself much these days - just tired and moany - I love my kids to bits and am amazed I have created such gorgeous children - oh but to wander around the shops, go to an exhibition - films....

I had a day off the other weekend and the joy of getting on the bus without a buggy or changing bags was pure bliss.

A very superficial moment:

I sometimes look at my body and just cry at how lovely I was before I had DD. Now I see saggy boobs, a flabby body, larger hips stretch marks even my feet seem to have grown and I was a striking svelte athletic Woman who turned heads and was always being told how pretty I was. I never look groomed, never like before. Just to walk, just walk down the street and feel FREE. I feel I have sacrificed so much of ME already at she is still only a baby really.

Sorry but I would never feel able to sound so shallow in RL, it helps to get that off my chest as well as all the other emotional, deeper issues.

Message withdrawn

oneplus, I totally agree that sometimes we seem to be our own worst enemy. Why is it that women are so ready to attack each other and men stick together so readily?

janx, I could have written your post. I sometimes wonder how being older has affected my feelings. I have often had that feeling of just wanting to jump in the car and drive.

oneplus, I totally agree that sometimes we seem to be our own worst enemy. Why is it that women are so ready to attack each other and men stick together so readily?

janx, I could have written your post. I sometimes wonder how being older has affected my feelings. I have often had that feeling of just wanting to jump in the car and drive.

crush, you're not being superficial, i feel exactly the same way. I was quite attractive (even tho i do say so myself) before DC's, and we have lots of pics up in our house from before DC's and i looked so good. Now, like you say, i still have a 5 months preggers belly, loads and loads of grey hairs, lines, eye bags, wrinkles, i have basically aged 20 years in the space of 5. And it makes me feel really sad. Maybe once again it's a mourning sort of sadness, for the loss of my beautiful, youthful younger self and i sincerely hope that one day i come to terms with the new me and feel happy about myself.

I can totally relate to the comments about getting into the car and driving, i dream about doing this sometimes. I sometimes think that as long as i knew my DC's were loved and well looked after, I could just walk away from it all and not look back.

janx, i know the feeling of bliss when you can do some everyday thing without the DC's. DH just doesn't understand, it's so good to be able to say such things on here.

wow, I dropped off the grid for a few days and come back to find so many more amazing posts. Nothing new to add, just more agreement! Jabberwocky, that POW comment is awesome.

The points about feminism are so spot on! Things have barely changed is all too many ways. I remember someone asking me after DS arrived whether you love your child just because you can't help it, or is it that you kind of have to. I answered that it was both. The number of astonished gasps I got in response from other parents was laughable (particularly coming from the men). I replied that maybe they had just forgotten all the frustration since their kids were so much older, or maybe they had just had a lucky ride. I reminded them of how much pain I was still in, and that it's hard to appreciate what you have when you are in unrelieved agony. They shut up quickly after the last statement, but none of them ever asked me how I felt about it again after that.

It doesn't help that I am thinner than before DS and don't look like I've had a kid. Apart from the pain I LOOK well, so people just assume I AM well. I'd rather look like hell and be pain-free. Frankly I don't like being this thin - I look like a twig with eyes! I have what my friend terms "lucky legs" i.e. lucky they don't snap and poke me up the bum!

Time away from home can really help. Recently started working 2 evenings a week, and just being able to get away and "prettied up" has helped me feel human again. I am lucky to have a job I love, that doesn't feel like work. Making and selling jewellery means you have to look presentable, and that little bit of vanity can help you feel like you haven't completely lost yourself in being your DC's slave to every whim! Now if I can just put on the couple of kg's I need to fit back into my favourite clothes....another teensy step forward.

I love you all ladies (no ambivalence there lol)

Sad to say I am in a pretty deep depression today and the issues we are discussing are central to it.... Woke up at 5.30 to ds2 crying, just feeling I couldn't do it any more, left him to dh :-( dh then dropped him on my comatose body at 7.30, I begged him for a coffee, anything just to make me able to open my eyes but he just snarled 'I'm going back to bed'.

Dh does a lot when I am not up to it but I can't be honest with him. I told him that sometimes I dont' feel I love ds1 and that I feel inadequate to be his mother and he just started going on about how there's nothing wrong with ds1 and that 'it's sad that you feel that way' He is just so bloody righteous sometimes. Told dh I want a divorce but haven't got the energy to leave him lol.

Got up with that concrete-legs feeling, thoughts of suicide always on my mind, guilt that I am shouting and am the worst parent in the world. I wanted to be so much better than my own awful depressed mother... and I have failed. I can't get over that continuing sense of complete failure, every day.

Have been having to commute 3.5 hours to my job and stay over 2 nights a week cos he is a big cheese at the bar in London and can't leave his. I have my dream job but don't feel I can be a working single mother, I am crap and knackered enough as it is. I wrote out my resignation letter but can't bring myself to send it.

How sappy am I, I spent ages crying at a pic of ds2 when he was little. I found him a lot easier to look after and thus didn't feel like such a terrible mother to him, he is my little angel. I was thinking that if I kill myself now he won't remember me :-( :-(. He's out with his dad now because I am too down to look after him...

Oneplusone some of the things you say are straight out of my mouth. I'm actually writing a monograph atm (work in Law but it's actually feminist studies!), working title is 'Nurturing Ambivalence: Regulating Motherhood in Confessional Culture' (sorry, academic titles are like that, I'd love something more punchy...suggestions welcome...)

If I am ever sane enough to write it, it is going to look at a lot of the things brilliant posters on this thread have mentioned, such as the ways women regulate themselves and eachother into becoming the right kind of breeding and childrearing machine (and into shutting up about it if they aren't), how law and medicine back this up (the PND as insanity/disease model), and how this all works out in 'confessional culture'. For those not into cultural studies et al, that is supposed to indicate the new ubiquity of both celebrity and personal memoir and confession- and also the sharing of personal information on boards like these! Think I can get a chapter out of mumsnet...lol

btw oneplusone and any other disgruntled writing/researching mums, I'd be more than happy to collaborate with you on this topic!!

As Torn in Two says, think you can only stay sane by treating your ambivalence as creative/productive.

big hugs to all, this ain't easy is it....

Hi everyone, glad my POW feelings found their proper audience Just knowing I'm not alone has helped so much.

I keep waiting for the easier stage of childcare. I found taking care of an infant exhausting but as they get older it just changes into something else just as energy draining. Ds1 will start school this fall and I am almost giddy at the idea! He was in preschool last year (we are in the US so different terms for school) but it was a 30 minute commute each way and only for 3 days a week so the few hours not in the car didn't seem to matter.

I have started a new practice (I'm an optometrist) and I don't even mind the days that we are not busy as I still have an excuse to not be at home! Couldn't admit that to most people.

lime, hang in there. I've had so many days like that and have also had the exact same thoughts, i.e. that ds2 wouldn't remember me. I'll probably be on zoloft the rest of my life as it does keep the suicidal thoughts away and helps with anxiety. Before you leave a job you love you might want to try something like that. I was resistant at first to go on ADs but then a friend said "Childbirth changes your body in so many ways, it's not surprising that your body chemistry would be altered as well."

My house is a shambles right now and it seems so overwhelming to spend all day on Sunday cleaning...

Have been keeping an eye on this thread but haven't had a lot new to add really.

The last week DS has been incredibly clingy. He is not the sort for lots of cuddles and hates being kissed but loves to just climb all over me. Sometimes when I get a sharp elbow in the stomach or kicked in the eye with a foot I just feel so bloody angry. I long to sit in peace and quiet and just read a book or something. It's so sapping being used as a climbing frame. This morning as it was happening, I was just thinking about this thread!

Limecrush, I feel so for you. You sound as if you are having such a bad time and I totally agree with what jabberwocky has just said.

hi ladies...
Twizzler you're not alone with the climbing ds. My ds1 is just like that and i get so angry too!! He just won't play on his own either and wants to talk at you all day, usually while simultaneously climbing on you. Argh!!
Another thing that is a red rag to me is unnecessary roaring and shouting which ds1 will often do for no reason at all- often because he would rather annoy you than be without attention for one minute! Bless him, he can be so charming but god he is irritating!! Like his father lol.

Feeling better come the evening- when depressed I always do, it's as if the chemical disturbance settles itself down a bit.
Jabber I've done zoloft!! sent me a bit manic and oversexed actually so I have changed to citalopram and think I preferred being manic- although dh did NOT like my behaviour then, at least I didn't feel so horribly angry and down...Not sure if this one is working at all for me but will give it another month.

Ds1 is a climber too! In fact I noticed yesterday that I had one horribly bruised toe and a big bruise on my knee. It's got so I'm just used to being hit, etc and then see the black and blue spots and wonder when it happened

sorry the zoloft didn't work for you, lime. I guess I lucked out that the first thing I tried was OK.

I also tend to drink wine probably more often than I should... but it helps me cope when the dcs are running all about the house, yelling, etc. I used to say I would never have children b/c I didn't think I could take the noise that came with it. You know how people say it's different when it's your own? not that much, actually...