Who regrets becoming a mum?

[vizbizz]

Ok, so we are in the terrible 2's and I know this makes it hard for most mums to cope with but with all the pain, health dramas, depression etc I have had since arrival of DS I find that all too often I really regret having become a mum. I love the little man, but if I had known what I was in for I cant help thinking I would never have gone ahead and become a mum. The guilt I feel for feeling like this is awful. Does anyone else feel like this? There is so much pain (physical and emotional) as a result of DS's arrival, so much frustration and so very very little joy. He's a beautiful, and thankfully healthy little man, but I find it so hard to be happy about what I have.

And no, I am not suffering from depression anymore, just this overwhelming sense of grief when I stop to think about it all. I keep trying to convince myself that it will get better, but it's already been 2 years and I just don't see any progress in this despite counselling and the other progress I have made there. I still keep wishing I had never made the decision to be a mum.

I guess I just want to know I am not the only one that feels like this.

Wow, so many people have made so many good points here, and you have all managed to put into words so many things I have been feeling but couldn't quite get across coherently. Twizzler, your comments in particular are exactly how I feel The life has been sucked out of me.

I think the best thing anyone ever said to me about motherhood was "you love your kids, but you don't always LIKE them" Oh boy but that is SOOO true. "it'll be all right, it'll be alright"

The point about feminism is spot on. There is far too much inequality, and the inability to express one's frustration and isolation and other negative thoughts without fear of judgement is just compounding the problem.

Years ago I thought to do a PhD, but after all these discussions I am wondering if I can convince someone at a uni research group to study this in depth and see what can be done to set up support systems for this. Maybe it won't mean total freedom to speak out, but support groups could make a huge difference to many mum's lives.

BTW lucyellensmum - my DD will be called Yasmina when she arrives, I knew her name before we could even settle on a name for DS. It's not just that I'd like a girl - I know she is there waiting for the right time and it scared the living daylights out of me.

I had a moment on the bus the other day where I felt such a beautiful surge of love for DS and it was amazing, but it lasted only a moment and then it was gone again. It was like a nasty tease of what could be, but was just a stark contrast to the daily reality. If I could feel like that a couple of times a day I could deal with it all so much easier. The joy is only there for such tiny snippets, and it just feels like a cruel joke.

oneplusone, DH and I went away for five days on our own and it was blissful!

Going away with children can be stressful - you just have to choose carefully! We tend to have days where we takes turns being with DS, an hour each or a morning or an afternoon. It often ends up overlapping and that's fine too.

We tend to think of holidays as a "change" from the normal everyday routine instead of expecting to come home refreshed and rested. It's hard not to hanker after that though especially when you need a break after slogging through the year!

I have a mantra too "It's just a phase, It's just a phase" when DS is freaking over the latest thing that has upset him. But I also feel the same as you, oneplusone in that there will always be a financial drain. When they are teenagers they will be forever wanting, wanting, wanting and then there is college, uni etc. Where does it end?

I have only come close once to saying how I feel to my SIL who is very understanding but I think even she was shocked at how I felt. I have said a few things to friends but I do think as has been said earlier, that other parents are not always that honest or supportive and often pretend that they find the whole thing a breeze. When I have said the odd thing, it's amazing what you hear back! They often find it tedious and overwhelming but have never voiced it before.

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I find being on holiday the worst time for this. Seeing others relaxing in the bars or getting to have a bit of shut eye on the beach, taking their time over a restaurant meal and a decent lay-in. Sometimes I want to say to my two children "for God's sake just leave me alone"!

do you think it is that you don't like what motherhood has done to you in terms of transforming your body and mind into something you are no longer comfortable with? i.e you are unable to do things physically that you could, and mentally you feel scarred.

sometimes it is the sheer bloody unfairness of it all, isn;t it? that you were dealt a crappy hand, and you are still suffering two years down the line.

I also had a traumatic first birth, and post natal period for years, but very mcuh wanted and needed a second child. and that was a very healing experience. but it took a lot of work to get to that part of life

i think the grief and anger and sadness are part of the journey.

I have to agree with everything everyone is saying on here. I couldn't sleep last night as I couldn't stop thinking about what is being said on this thread. Most of all i felt such a huge sense of relief that it was ok to sometimes feel I hate being a mum and indeed that I sometimes hate DD. (Usually when she is being particularly teenagery - she is nearly 5 going on 15)

vizzbizz, your idea of support groups is fantastic and if I ever have the time i might consider trying to start one in my area.

twizzler, I have NEVER even come close to tellling anyone how i really feel which is, i feel, the crux of the problem. We should be able to admit to even our darkest feelings and not feel guilty or judged and recieve help and support in dealing with those feelings, if only for the sake of the DC's who are so quick to pick up on any sort of emotion, even those we try to hide.

You're also right about holidays, you do have to choose carefully. I spoke to a friend recently who goes away every year with her DC's. Her DC's are no 5 and 9 and she said it was only on their last holiday that she actually felt she had had a break too, as the DC's had reached an age where they were fairly independent and would go and play without needing her around too much. She also went away with a group of friends and all the kids played together which also helped. I think she was lucky it all worked out, as going on holiday with friends can mean you come back no longer friends!

pruners, you are so right about surrendering your brain totally! And also about wanting to have them if you hadn't. I don't actually wish i hadn't had my DC's, but just that i had been far better informed about the impact it would have on me physically, emotionally and practically and also how little help and support I would recieve. I wold then have gone into with my eyes open and not feel so bitter/angry that i was duped into thinking that whilst it was hard work it was also the most wonderful, fulfilling and rewarding experience of my life. It certainy hasn't been that for me, but i know if i were to admit as much in RL i would be harshly judged although secretly I'm sure many mums would agree with me.

I also agree with you about how it all changes once they start talking. My DD talks NONSTOP from the minute she gets up til the minute she falls asleep and it is so utterly draining and indeed boring having to listen to her. My DH seems to cope with it better, i think he is somehow able to filter her out (probably has years of practice filtering out his mother who also talks nonstop) but i can't seem to do that, I somehow feel compelled to listen to her and respond and it drives me mad. I admit i do sometimes wish she was more of a shy, quiet type rather than the chatty, outgoing, attention seeking extrovert that she is. It is a case of a clash of personalities with us I think.

I do feel like I am trapped in a gilded cage. From the outside i have a great life, great DH, great DC's, lovely house, no money worries etc, and yet i feel trapped and unfulfilled a lot of the time. And feeling like that makes me feel ungrateful and guilty. What would make me feel better is to be able to talk about exactly how i feel without being judged and criticised. I think vizz's idea of a support group is fantastic and I think that would help mums like us enormously.

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This thread is food for thought.

When I had DD I was shell shocked. I think that was really obvious to all around. After the months went by I kept asking myself "why isn't this getting better?", I found the lack of sleep crippling, the responsibility of it all terrifying, the way it affected DH and I has been tragic in many ways for our relationship. We co-sleep (don't ask I have the most unsettled baby and it is the only way I get any sleep) which means we have lost so much closeness. Pruners I can relate to what you say about quiet alone time so much. My brain is not really wired for small children. I adore DD with all my being and everyday I plan to make her fulfilled and joyful but I think my enjoyment of parenthood may kick in much later.

I do not really want to have another, for many reasons not just because I find this so paralysing. Sometimes I yearn that I may and this time it will be perfect and I will see what all those women are talking about when they say they adore the newborn phase. Those Mums I would see on planes to exotic locations with a tiny baby making it work, living their lives and the baby fitting it around them. I feel I missed out on being a fresh-faced happy Mummy. I used to pretend a lot at the groups I could manage.
Funnily enough the so-called terrible 2s are working out OK for me. DD is finally settling down. But the days must be filled or I will start moping again. I keep busy and find it helps.

Oneplusone, Pruners and CrushWithEyeliner - so many of your last comments I totally identify with.

My DS too talks constantly. Lots of "Why" questions and also saying "Mummy" all the bloody time. He usually says it in the region of 6-8 times before even asking a question (almost like a stutter). I have to grit my teeth to stop myself from screaming "WILL you stop saying that ALL the time".

I find doing the same thing every day a real drag. Always cooking meals that are never appreciated/Constantly clearing up plastic crap OR standing on the bloody stuff/Dealing with toddlers demands and tantrums-how can anybody enjoy that?

Some of your comments about needing quietness are starting to make me think (as I am like that needing peace, orderliness and calm)- could it be if you are that type of person then motherhood is more of a struggle? We've all seen mums who seem to love noise and chaos and revel in having lots of children around them. Maybe they are wired differently? Think I may be having a bit of a "lightbulb" moment - maybe that is the key to it all! If you enjoy chaos and noise, then motherhood should be a breeze.

When I was pregnant, I went to visit another pregnant friend. She already had one child and was saying that she was going to get someone to help with housework and looking after DC1. She said that she had got really depressed and unhappy when the house was untidy with her first baby and functioned better when everything was clean and tidy. She would feel more able to concentrate on just doing "mummy" things and enjoy them. I remember thinking she was being a bit precious but now I totally get what she was saying.

I am beginning to understand I feel happier and more able to function as a mother when things are straight are there is no chaos. I could probably even cope with a bit of noise then!

Some of you have mentioned feeling guilty for feeling this way. I have struggled with this too. If you saw me in every day life you would never guess that I have these issues. I love my DS dearly but where is this bliss and fulfillment?

Have ranted on a bit so hope some of this makes sense!

We had a couple over for lunch yesterday with their 2 children. At some point both of their children and mine were crying and I just looked a them and said very calmly
"On what level is this pleasurable? How can this be a good thing? It's ike bloody torture

And I meant every word

They agreed

Sometimes you just have to have the honesty to say it people and see beyond all the bluster of "Oh, I love being a Mum". It's just marvellous "Oh, I wouldn't change a thing

Yeah right

LOL StressTeddy.

Know what you are saying. Won't bore you with many similar scenarios...

Please do twizz
Safety in numbers and all that...

I got that book today, Torn in Two and have just read a bit of it and already it has made me feel better. It is absolutely normal to have feelings of love and hate simultaneously for your DC's, it's just that nobody is willing to admit to the hate and so you feel terrible and guilty for feeling that way.

It's funny as since Monday I have been thinking I am actually enjoying being a mum again and not feeling i regret it as much and i have begun to realise that it is worst at the weekends. I think i actually hate and dread the weekends. DH and the DC's are around all the time mostly and it does my head in. It's like they're all invading my territory and i can't escape them. I have noticed this over quite a few weekends and it's always on Monday that i feel so much better. DD is back at school, DH is at work and it's just me and DS. He has a long nap after lunch everyday so i manage to get a decent amount of time to myself and also as he's not talking that much yet i have lots of head space for most of the day. The house is quiet and i can do my bits and pieces in my own time.

I think this is why i am really reluctant to go on holiday, i really don't think i would enjoy spending so much time with my family with no escape! That sounds awful but it's the truth, i'd rather go on holiday on my own or just with DH and no DC's. At least until they're older anyway.

stressteddy
I spent yesterday morning with a mum I know who has a one year old like me and is pg with her dc2. She was in my antenatal group and is permanently "isn't this amazing, my life was incomplete before dc". I just want to shout "do you know what it's going to be like have a a dc of 18 months and a newborn? it'll be hell". And I should know having been there and done that and - I now realise - never fully to recover
But you can't say that, you have to say "Oh how lovely, that's great" and then go home and be tortured by doubts that maybe everyone else in the world does find having a baby and a toddler blissful and desirable and it's just you who for some reason finds it stressful and monotonous and exhausting and lonely.
But then because no one is honest about how tough it is more and more women are duped into having too many dcs/dcs too close together/having dcs at all
On the whole I enjoy motherhood, but I really think a lot of people aren't cut out for it and the "conspiracy" should be blown apart because the result is a lot of women feeling inadequate and a lot of dcs who are probably confused as to why their mummies are so unhappy

i could have written some of the posts on here, i am mum to a 3 and 2 year old, plus 25 weeks pregnant, and spend most of my time either feeling sorry for my children or wishing that i had had them later in life, when i was more prepared. Both of them were suprises, though this third one was tried for.

My husband knows how i feel, he knows how very hard i find being a mother, and how my own childhood and upbringing makes it even more complicated.

I think what lies at the heart of the matter for me, is that i am the main care giver, with never a break. I dont get to appreciate what i have, because i spend all day with them, telling them not to do this, not to do that, seeing the wee looks on their faces, dealing with the tantrums, worrying all the time that i am failing and that when they are older, fi there is anything emotionally 'wrong' with them, how it will be my fault and everyone will blame me.

I also feel that after 3 years, is it ever going to get any better, will i ever appreciate my wonderful girls enough to not treat them like objects that its my duty, rather than my pleasure to care for. People have said when preschool starts, or school itself and for me that is in august for my 3 year old so i will let you know.

SOme days are better than others, but its good to know that others sometimes feel the same way.

lulumama, it's not just what it's done to me, though it really is one of the more extreme cases. I just don't find it rewarding and fulfilling as some of the others have mentioned. The tedium and sameness of every day just wear me out. I am the kind of person that is always wanting to learn new things, but looking after a child I just find I am too tired to give a damn, and it frustrates the hell out of me. Whenever I do get into something, I always get interrupted for some daft, inane problem.

As a creative person I have always had clutter around, and it never used to bother me, but plastic toys all over the floor so that I can't walk ANYWHERE without risking tripping drives me nuts. The tedium of always picking them up and trying to teach DS to help is so BORING. Otherwise clutter that gives me room to get around isn't a problem for me. Maybe I am just a selfish sod that doesn't mind cleaning up my own mess and hates doing someone else's?

I can't remember who wrote about the "mummy" thing being said a zillion times, but this one drives me completely batty! DS is really just learning to speak, though he has a great vocab for his age (or so everyone tells me). But he often says "mummy" or repeats it several times just for something to say. when you ask what you get no reply. Such a small thing, but it's amazing how it gets to me.

The only holidays we have had have been to visit family, so it's not been too bad. I can't imagine trying to go for a "real" holiday till hes considerably older.

I have always been really honest about how difficult it's been, but I guess the extent of my problems with recovery has made people a bit more receptive, and I have generally had ok responses. Even if quite a few of them haven't really admitted finding it hard, many have been as open and honest and it has helped somewhat.

As oneplusone has said, I guess one of my biggest gripes is feeling bitter about "the big lie". I knew that it was going to be hard, but I thought that it would also be rewarding, but it's just been so damn hard and tedious and boring with such tiny moments of nice. With more of the leavening pleasurable times it would maybe feel more balanced, but as it is it just feels so terribly uneven to the difficult half of it all. I couldn't wait to be a mum, but now that I am it feels more like a huge disappointing burden than anything rewarding and fulfilling.

I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself, I wish I could accept that this is how it is and to just get on with it.

This has been a very interesting post for me.

I have a 4yo DC and only now am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel for me!

I too had a traumatic delivery and was in pain with adhesions from a crap crash cesarean until last year when I nearly passed out trying to do situps, when they tore away from the skin. I had severe PSTD and panic attacks and still sleep like I'm on a bed of nails. ANY noise at all wakes me up and I'm hyper-alert for danger. Until the adhesions in my muscles to skin tore, I couldn't run or bounce and was very fragile - extreme pain when sneezing etc, and couldn't empty my bladder as I used to be able. Left me isolated from the rough and tumble of my Dd's childhood. Couldn't even have DD bounce on my lap as I was in pain.

Sex is painful and my DH and I have only got it together 3 times since DC was born. And we are rocky now. I've been recommended to have a hysterectomy as my 'tender' womb is not in the right place and held by internal adhesions, and I am not interested in having another - it makes me break out in a sweat.

I also had an abusive childhood and things have come back to haunt me. The only family I have in this country is the abuser - naturally I don't leave DD alone with this person.

I also had a DH who took over the care of DD as I was crippled with pain - adding to my feeling of 'where's the joy' in this for me? And feeling that she didn't need me as she was fine without me...

I really struggled to B/F as my sister died from asthma and had mastitis after mastitis but slogged it out for 9 months. this was a huge job for me, and I nearly threw in the towel every sodding day.

My DD is a lovely girly, and only now that she's 4 I feel that I can breathe. She calls me by my name, and occasionally (when she wants me to wipe her bottom for eg) calls me Mummy.
I'm thankful for small blessings.

No-one of my 'old gal pals' I know in RL will 'hear' any of this - only my 'new mummy pals'. So I feel unconnected with my 'old' life and wonder was I really friends with these people??

I do feel that we are sold a fluffy lot of crap, and it would seem we only have ourselves to blame if our experience differs in any way from the advertised Blissful Vocation Of MotherHood. I would love to set up a support group also, as even much older mummy friends I have, 30 years on speak with sadness about the births of their children. I think it's time to speak out.

Oh BTW and I haven't got my figure back either!! No, I didn't 'just snap back'.

I'm so glad to chat with you girlies! Thanks you for your honesty. I know you love your DCs as I do mine, but I sometimes dream of being my old self and always wake up sad afterwards.

this is such an interesting thread

i am agreeing wholeheartedly with parts of it the tedium lonliness and all that completely
and agree to being honest with other parents too
knew i could not have another

lol on what level is this pleasureable! great line i will use that! if ya dont mind..

but i did enjoy different aspects of each age
get the constant chitter chatter but that is me too and we get on which helps..

but he's 4 now
and also i came to it from a different angle i think
my parents never looked like they were enjoying it and i never intended to have kids
i did what i wanted to do, work travel party then 36 i one day found out i was pregnant and had to keep it...
all our friends with kids, well, it looked like really hard work to me and i thought i knew
then the drudge lonliness lack of money lack of status sahm long dark lonely days..
i too had cs emergency stylee..after couple of days labour and epidural that didnt work dont ask..
it really didnt help i shuffled for months my body was bruised breastfeeding so painful and he was so hungry.. belly was a big rice pudding i just wanted to feel healthy to enjoy it and i couldnt it..
no family / help around well sister 10 minutes away last visited us at 10 days old, parents fell out with me for first 6 months and no mn didnt know of this then
it was murder
was stalked by neighbor gloating on our rented house being sold
i used to want to walk into the pond in the park pram and all
good god but i did want to and that feeling was real at the time

i do chi kung breathing exercises and have started t'ai chi classes recently again and it gives good head space time
dh cycles to work, that is big down time in my book
i cycle alot too now and ds too its good fun and he is way more portable and well travelled and holidays are fine...its not always the rest you need but no different than home i suspect..i constantly say its not all about you there are three of us
and some days i cant speak at night as i cant bear thesound of my own voice anymore...

I have the bouts of ambivalence as well: sometimes when DS is crying in a rage I think oh shut UP, and sometimes I think almost obsessively about my former life and what it would be like now. But the best coping strategy I know of is some fixed, prearranged and regular time OFF from parenthood (and that doesn't mean doing extra housework or doing stuff that pleases your DP but bores you...) You need at the absolute bare minimum 2-3 hours a week to indulge in a hobby or see friends or wander round the shops or even have a nice uninterrupted nap. INsist on it. If you are surrounded by people who say that now you are a mother you are no longer a person and exist only for your DC (oh, and to service your partner of course) then point out to them that studies have been done which show that people who have no free time and who are expected to live only for the benefit of others suffer far more mental health problems than those who are healthily selfish enough to insist on having selves.

madamez, i can totally relate to the obsessive thinking about my former life, it do it too, all the time. I think about how i have totally lost my freedom, my body, my health, my mind and sometimes really question whether having my DC's was worth the price i have paid.

I am so very annoyed that the information about exactly what effect having DC's can have on you is out there but just not made freely available. If i had known i would have been so much better prepared, it would have been so much less of a total shock to my system and I would not be on MN right now posting on a thread talking about regretting becoming a mum which in itself makes me feel awful. I don't blame my DC's of course, they are wonderful, but i blame our society/culture for not allowing women to be open about all the many, many, many negative effects having DC's have had on their lives without being harshly judged, criticised, thought of as bad/ungrateful mothers. The books out there on pregnancy etc need to be a lot more upfront and honest about life with DC's, instead of simply talking about sleepless nights as if that was the only problem you would be faced with.

Something that is guaranteed to irritate me is people telling me that my life is much better now I have DS - who I do love deeply even though he is annoying at times. Some people seem to think it's a Good Thing that I can no longer go out spontaneously, sleep all day and completely ignore housework, and I really do detect an undercurrent at times of misogyny ie women are not supposed to live just for enjoyment, women are there to service others and it was about time I was made to 'settle down'. It's only the cheerful knowledge that at least I don't have to service a man and indeed have (however inadvertently) got a father for my son who will happily look after him overnight so I can go and get drunk, or engage in political activism, or stay out till 5am and have group sex every now and again that keeps me sane :-)

something also that gets me is that it is open season to comment on your life, past and present...madamez you cant tell someone there life is better that is so arrogant i think..
it is their comment to make not others to do so for them
agree also time to do your own thing its invaluable grab some if / when you can ..

personally i found single woman more intriguing when younger and in no way seeked the drudge that went with motherhood in particular or the responsiblities of parenthood generally
never thought it would be a bed of roses but
the attitude of you made your bed lie in it stuck in my craw a bit
i thought i would find out who my friends were but also found out who my family is too..
and the turmoil and change of role identity after the physical strength it takes to get it together day after day
i knew i could never do it again and so want to make the most of this

I didn't realize this thread was still active and have sat here catching up on everything. I feel so much less of a freak/bad mother knowing that I'm not alone.

vizbizz, I know what you mean about the second child calling you. That is exactly the way it was for me and dh was adament that we were not going to have another. I thought I was actually going to lose my mind at one point. The pull from this insistent little spirit who wanted and desperately needed to be born and then the wall that dh had built up Plus the fact that I had no idea how it would turn out, what effect a second child would have on me mentally, physically and how my relationship with dh would bear up inder the pressure.

thankfully we are all doing OK but I still have lots of times that I think I was insane for getting into motherhood in the first place. I do find a lot of it boring and unfulfilling atm and wonder when or if it will get better. Then I am overcome with guilt for feeling that way.

I have two nephews who are only around 11 years younger than I am and they have both just had a dc. One of their wives has had similar issues and we find a lot of comfort in talking with each other. The other one's wife is staying strictly with the party line and "everything is wonderful, baby is a dream, sleeps all night, no problems, etc" Sometimes I really think I hate her. I have actually asked my mother not to repeat those stories to me anymore as I just don't want to hear them. My mother acted like I was some kind of whacko....told her it was like telling a POW about your cushy desk job during the war

"doing OK" more or less...