Why does therapy never seem to work for me?

[Veryapposite]

I don't know what I really want to say here but I wonder if anyone can relate.

I have had a lot of attempts at therapy and all of the therapists have been unhelpful in the main. I have had perhaps ten sessions or more with most and end up terminating it because it's just not working for me.

In general I feel they just listen and nod along saying nothing much of value. I don't feel challenged , or that any real insights are coming out of the therapy for either of us. At times it feels like talking to myself. Or equally frustrating, the therapist doesn't get me. So I feel alone, misunderstood or just not really gaining any insights.

After a while I resent the cost and give up. Sometimes counselling had been free through a charity, and I just haven't found them any good.

Perhaps I need something different. Therapy seems to work for so many people, why doesn't it work for me?

I agree on the intellectualising! Speaking as someone who does this.... a few things stood out for me on the thread OP.

You are over-functioning as a person, help others, you feel responsible for everyone and everything.

You do not feel seen and your needs are typically not met.

You are looking for solutions and practical things to do, to unlock change in your life - there is a sense of frustrated momentum, like you want to know what to do differently yet you are dithering and can't decide on things.

I used to get very frustrated when I felt therapists were just "sympathising" with me and it didn't make sense and didn't move me on. Yes yes, I know I had a tough childhood or x happened, we don't need to go on about it!! This coincided with people I managed at work sometimes telling me they didn't feel heard, even though I felt like I cared and wanted to hear and support them.

Then I had a moment in therapy where my therapist encouraged me to just take a little space to sit with the feelings of grief or how difficult something had been without seeking to solve it. And look at myself with kindness. I thought I already was doing that but I hadn't been fully honouring it or giving it quite enough time. It's not hours, it's like 40 more seconds!!

I feel that gradually unlocked a far greater kindness and grace in me towards my own problems. So what if you can't decide on stuff? When that sad thought arises, look at it kindly. Maybe you need to be in a space of uncertainty right now? Feeling that Things Are Wrong With My Life is very black and white and makes everything feel serious. If you say to yourself "yes it is sad and frightening feeling so many things are wrong and not knowing what to do", then sit in it, you often get a little moment of easing, then it doesn't seem so bad, and that tiny sense of agency and creativity raises its head again, even if only minutely.

If you keep telling yourself off and whipping yourself along you never have time to know yourself.

I found I was doing to myself the thing I was thinking I was missing from others - ignoring myself, downplaying my needs, rushing myself through, not recognising them as they presented themselves. Of course we all know about "being kind to yourself and meeting your own needs". It's just that the practice of it, for me, was a lot more tiny and nuanced than I had assumed it would be.

I wonder if therapists have been subtly encouraging you to sit with either the feelings of today or the experiences of the past, without trying to sense-make or do anything. And to you it has felt like spinning your wheels?

I like the poster who said therapy could help with
working through the misunderstandings, disappointments and mistakes that can arise as part of being known. I wonder what would happen if you took those feelings of never finding the right therapy into a therapy relationship and just named what was there, tried to get curious about how it felt in the moment rather than trying to think about it.

As a helpful Buddhist meditation teacher once told me - 'Don't just do something, sit there'.

So much of this resonates. What a thoughtful interesting reply.

Yes I am definitely intellectualising. I find when I get into the body things work an awful lot better. Some therapists have used body sensations etc with me but often too soon, or rather clumsily. It works a lot better for me than talking.

This might also be why some have queried ND - because alexithymia or a slow processing of interoception feels like what you describe. Good to get into the body - hard to get there. Doesn't mean you're autistic on the strength of that, but it's a trait for sure.

Emdr is excellent for trauma history and some therapists combine this with other somatic therapies which can be significantly more beneficial than talking therapies.

Hi OP, I’m currently in long term therapy for childhood trauma, mostly from emotional neglect.
Agree with previous poster that emotional neglect / ‘the absence of something’ can be harder for therapists to identify and treat. My very experienced therapist has said the same and although therapy has been extremely helpful there has also been a lot of frustration on both sides.

If you have emotional neglect type issues, I would start by really digging into these on your own.
Emotional Neglect and the Adult in Therapy by Kathrin Stauffer is good if you haven’t read that.
I’ve found some really good free podcasts too: Complex Trauma recovery Kina Wolfenstein – podcasts about complex trauma, with a focus on emotional neglect
The Trauma Educator Podcast by Effie Kill – somatics focused content
Also Rick and Forrest Hanson – Being Well podcasts – discussions about wide ranging mental health/ life issues between a father (who is a clinical psychologist) and his son – really lovely and illuminating
I think time spent listening to these would be well spent and help you further pinpoint what you want from therapy.

No magic formula for finding a therapist, and I certainly kissed some frogs, but I would suggest:
-Really read into their profiles and website, if they have one. Do they have specific training in somatics/ whatever approach you are looking for? Can they say who they are and exactly what they can offer, or do they sound the same as everyone else?
-Are you doing / would you consider online therapy? I was sceptical but it has worked well for me and is very convenient. It also obviously opens up a lot more options for therapists.
-Paying more doesn’t guarantee you a good therapist, but there will be a general correlation between cost and skill/expertise. Would an £80 therapist every fortnight be better than a £40 therapist once a week? There are so many resources around these days which you can use to work at things between sessions.
Just some thoughts and suggestions. Good luck with your journey and I really hope you find the right person to accompany you

I wonder if a therapy like CAT would be worthwhile considering? It’s time limited and thinks about how your patterns learnt in the past impact you today.

I’ve found with therapy that it’s less about the therapist and more about the therapy so I’ve benefited at points from just having someone to talk with (more open ended person centred) but have probably gained most benefit from CBT and CAT as they were more doing.

Since you have expressed an interest in IFS I would recommend you check out books by Janina Fisher. She does not approach in the traditional IFS way exactly, and some books of hers are aimed at therapists as much as clients. I find books aimed at therapists can sometimes be more helpful anyway. I have personally found therapy helpful for CPTSD but it is a long haul and at times it feels like my therapist is just sitting there and not telling me what to do. That's because she does not tell me what to do - however she does concentrate very much on how trauma reactions based on childhood experience are affecting my life now and we discuss ways in which I can approach life now so as to lessen the trauma reactions. Someone telling me what to do would actually just turn into my mother and it would be very counter-productive!