Why does therapy never seem to work for me?

[Veryapposite]

I don't know what I really want to say here but I wonder if anyone can relate.

I have had a lot of attempts at therapy and all of the therapists have been unhelpful in the main. I have had perhaps ten sessions or more with most and end up terminating it because it's just not working for me.

In general I feel they just listen and nod along saying nothing much of value. I don't feel challenged , or that any real insights are coming out of the therapy for either of us. At times it feels like talking to myself. Or equally frustrating, the therapist doesn't get me. So I feel alone, misunderstood or just not really gaining any insights.

After a while I resent the cost and give up. Sometimes counselling had been free through a charity, and I just haven't found them any good.

Perhaps I need something different. Therapy seems to work for so many people, why doesn't it work for me?

Yes definitely. I just don't want someone nodding along telling me how awful everything is or drawing references that are completely off the mark.

I spent over an hour on Chat GT last night and found it much more helpful than any therapist I've ever seen!

And presumably offering practical advice on how to address your difficulties.

My therapist is constantly advising me to carve out time to do certain things that will move my personal goals forward. That's half the challenge when you constantly prioritize other people!

Yes

I agree with you .

I should probably work on one of my goals now instead of posting on MN tbh. 😂

One of the best things you can ask ChatGPT to explain to you is the concept and implementation of 'metacognition'. Once you start using it it's a superpower.

That's an interesting way to look at it. I think you may well be right.

That's interesting I'll do that

Same here ..also had a shit ton of therapy.
Same issues as you described above
So therapy , counselling,CBT .. can't change our past and it
Can't change our personality ,it can't wave a magic wand and make the past disappear
The best it can do is give us tools to cope with here and now .
If your already depressed and anxious,you need medication before therapy can start to work on the here and now
Medication will help you not be negative and will help you cope .
Your flogging a dead horse trying to get anything out of therapy when your depressed and anxious to start with ..you need medication and therapy together

To answer your first question, it is because you spend lots of time focussing on yourself and your mood and why you don’t feel better.

Get a really busy full time job in an area that interests you and you will not have time to dwell on your mental health.

This has worked brilliantly for me for 25 years.

For good mental health you need something to do, something to look forward to (these will be your holidays from your busy job) and someone to love. But the first two will be enough as long as you have some family somewhere you get along with, and perhaps one friend.

I've been down that rabbit hole and done numerous threads on it
Just keep in mind it's not an actual person
That sounds stupid, because it's a given..
But it's easy to forget when it's so helpful and kind and especially when your not used to kindness and understanding

I want to say this as gently as possible, but I wonder whether the fact that therapy has repeatedly felt difficult might itself be worth exploring in itself?

The fit between a client and therapist is very important. At the same time, challenges in therapy can sometimes reflect patterns in how we relate to others more generally. Therapy can bring into focus how we manage closeness, trust, vulnerability and the experience of feeling understood or misunderstood.

Although it is a professional and boundaried relationship, it still involves being emotionally open with another person and working through the misunderstandings, disappointments and mistakes that can arise as part of being known.

I wonder whether you often feel misunderstood or disappointed in relationships. Some of those feelings may also be showing up in therapy and could be worth exploring. Have you felt able to share your frustrations openly with your therapists for example? This can be really hard but so worthwhile. Do you feel able to tell others what you need? Do you feel you have to censor what you say so as not to hurt someone else?

Person centred therapy can seem quite gentle because the therapist will not usually give direct advice. It is based on the belief that you have the capacity to find your own answers, with the therapist supporting you. Even so, it can be demanding, as it involves looking deeply at yourself and making changes that may feel uncomfortable.

It might also be worth considering psychodynamic therapy, which looks at how past experiences shape the present and aims to bring unconscious patterns into awareness. Many psychodynamic therapists are also warm and relational. You could look on the Counselling Directory, keeping in mind that counsellor and psychotherapist are often used interchangeably, so it can be more helpful to focus on a therapist’s training, approach and experience.

I wish you all the best, OP. I also wonder if you may have already done more work than you realise. Even writing this thread shows that you are actively looking for answers and that you are motivated to understand yourself and make things better.

I'm currently on i think about my 9 th lot of therapy ..
I have this theory
That people who are living the right life for themselves and being true to themselves are content,
regardless of past issues with parents ect
But the people who took a wrong turn in life ..so wrong ,job ,wrong uni degree,wrong husband..living in wrong area ,wrong life .
.are not happy and seeking counselling, thinking it's due to childhood issues..
If we were truly happy ,right here ,right now ,with all the choices we made that got us here ..we wouldn't need therapy .
But facing that is more difficult, because it requires change
Blaming everything on childhood is easier, because it requires no change.
As I said ..I'm currently on my 9 th lot of therapy..and still not getting any further than my childhood..
Maybe one day ......

Thinking if you like TA…
Therapy doesn’t work if you can’t be honest with the therapist. So feeling like it’s not working and giving up - but not talking to them about that - is sort of playing ‘a game ‘

(so let’s be clear you aren’t bad for playing this game , it’s some sort of coping strategy you have developed - we, me , you everyone have them)

so in this game - I have been horribly hurt - so I start to believe everyone lets me down - this protects me from more hurt (winner!!) - but also keeps me apart and lonely and sad. - but it’s better than risking getting hurt which would be awful

The other thing to think about it ‘radical responsibility’ . Even if the worst thing in the world has happened to you , the truth it is only you that can change your situation / beliefs about the world . If you believe the world is scary and danger and people don’t care ….you’ll also do things that probably mean that is what you experience …

this often means ‘letting go of some of our past hurts’. Which is the hardest thing to do but can be very freeing

this has happened …. Yes … but I refuse to let it rule my life

these are things I ‘try’ and live by now. Spiritual teaching and therapy reading has led me here.

Also,whatever the therapists said that was most tricky. I know loads of people who say, sometimes years later, that was the most useful in the end.

You are so right. I think there are fundamental things wrong with my life now but I can't see how to change them.

Yes that's definitely true. It's hard to say to a therapist that you don't think they're offering you anything helpful. I have learned to be silent and not speak up.

@Pinksparklesnail Absolutely, it's extremely difficult to change our lives now, especially when you've left it late like me (over 50). Not that my life is awful, but I'd really like to change certain things and it's so hard. But my therapist has reassured me that at least I'm trying and it's true that trying to do something feels better than not doing anything at all.

One therapist just kept bringing me back to childhood over and over again. I felt like saying 'what about my life now'!

That's because the stuff you learnt in childhood shapes who you are now – the way you think about yourself, your core beliefs and automatic thoughts. It's useful to be able to join the dots (without trying to rewrite history) so that you can make meaningful changes to the way you are in the future.

Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis – lots more info on there.

So for me ..I only got diagnosed with autism and ADHD in my 50 s
That's 50 years of wondering why I seem to find life more difficult than other people and 50 years of making mistakes,where if I'd known myself..I would of done things differently.
I've not had anything to do with my parents since I was 17 ..
Well actually that's a lie ..what I mean is ..they didn't have anything to do with me after I was 17 .. it wasn't my choice.
Yet I kept trying and trying to be in their life ..when a more stable person would of gone ..fuck you ,and not kept trying.
To be honest.they were dreadful parents,even when they were supposed to be giving a shit .
So can I blame them for stuff that happened after I was 17 ..??
I don't know
But everything in life seemed so much harder without loving parents on my side .I used to get so jealous at school pick up ,seeing grandparents picking up their grandchildren.
But if I known I was battling against autism and un medicated ADHD ..maybe I would of made different choices.
Plus I learned at an early age to be quiet and passive..had to be
But somehow that became my personality as an adult..and being passive does not bode well for successful relationships.
For me personally..I'm in to deep to change anything.it would effect to many people.
I don't even know at this point what I'm trying to get out of therapy .
But it is hard to look at other people's parents..and think ..I'd of absolutely thrived if I'd had that family and those opportunities.
I don't have the answers ...or the questions

Yes, I know but she wasn't relating it to my current life or experiences and that's what frustrated
me.

I've just received a Substack post written by a business coach and mother who was going deeply into the subject of taking a child to a chronic pain clinic for teenagers. The writer is Penelope Trunk. She is definitely someone whose thoughts are polarising but is a very unusual writer.

This struck me (with a link in a chain that led to the point when it becomes you who has to do it, in place of a parent or carer). This was about the 'science' that is brief, easy to describe but hard to carry out and stick to - good sleep, diet, exercise, doing the dance of relationships and conversations.

"The compliance problem was ours — the parents enforce the rules or nobody does. But parents can't fix the loneliness half, and the clinic knew it..."

I think if you have had a very strong parental voice there, that was frightening at times, and then there's a calm gap, you look for this external kind of replacement and it is pretty strange when you feel "nobody does".