Why does therapy never seem to work for me?

[Veryapposite]

I don't know what I really want to say here but I wonder if anyone can relate.

I have had a lot of attempts at therapy and all of the therapists have been unhelpful in the main. I have had perhaps ten sessions or more with most and end up terminating it because it's just not working for me.

In general I feel they just listen and nod along saying nothing much of value. I don't feel challenged , or that any real insights are coming out of the therapy for either of us. At times it feels like talking to myself. Or equally frustrating, the therapist doesn't get me. So I feel alone, misunderstood or just not really gaining any insights.

After a while I resent the cost and give up. Sometimes counselling had been free through a charity, and I just haven't found them any good.

Perhaps I need something different. Therapy seems to work for so many people, why doesn't it work for me?

Wouldn't it be better for those issues – the historic trauma and childhood neglect – simply to not affect you anymore? Once the emotional ties to the past are broken you can concentrate on the here and now and dealing with getting your adult needs met. Which starts with have trust and confidence in yourself.

I think it is interesting you say that it feels as if you are talking to yourself. In several of the therapy modes, the theory says that the relationship is the feature of most importance. There might need to be some tension or energy in the relationship to be able to get transformed into something more inspirational, although not instigated primarily by the therapist.

As a book that illustrated this well (although I can't say that I have had any textbook personal experiences that were similar), Stephen Grosz's 'The Examined Life', which is from the perspective of a therapist, has been something I have mused on for longer than its initial read. I also remember the outline of a quote, which I think is from Tolstoy and I would be happy to be corrected if anyone else knows it. Someone is talking about a dog and says that she (dog) has found the right approach to life: "She knows what she wants and she knows how to ask for love."

A therapist isn’t going to solve your problems for you. It’s their role to help you solve your own problems. If you go into therapy expecting to be handed healing on a plate, it’s not going to happen. You need to engage with them in an exploration of your issues so that you can make the changes necessary yourself.

Your original post seems to imply that you are waiting for the therapist to tell you what the source of your issues are. It doesn’t work like that - you have to lay out where you are finding things difficult and then you and the therapist work together to untangle the problems. If you do that, it becomes uncomfortable and destabilising, because you start to recognise what it is in you that informs your responses to your past experiences. It needs to do that so you can work out how to change your thinking into healthier responses that don’t hurt.

I know nothing about you but something else you might explore if it feels appropirate to you is whether you are ND. ADHD or autistic? Being ND can make therapy difficult it can highlight how difficult it is to feel understood and often struggle to understand others and it can affect our ability to understand and feel feelings (alexithymia) and overthinking is part of the neuro make up that comes with being ND. If you are ND, the therapist needs to adjust their approach accordingly. This may not apply to you. I have no idea but if you wonder if you are ND it is worth looking at this and understanding that more as this might also inform how you feel about yourself and understand your history and why you respond the way you do which can be valuable in itself.

No I'm definitely not ND

If therapists don't help you, and they never helped me, have you considered looking at it a different way. I am very sensitive to certain foods .. if I have a commercial sandwich I'm crying about something the next day. It can seem as though depression and anxiety are to do with circumstances but it's also how you are affected by things.

Have you tried keto diet, or just low carb and as few UPFs as possible? I find that makes the world a better place. I've also been using the Flow headset, it has been brilliant. I recommended it to a friend and within a few days her family could tell the difference just talking to her on the phone, she sounded completely different

I'm pretty careful about what I eat anyway. I do wonder if I am sensitive to gluten though. The Flow headset sounds really interesting. I will have a look at that.

Also low carb definitely helps.

Then perhaps you are not set up to make good use of the help you are offered? You just see more examples of your needs being unmet.

If you want a full scientific answer, read The Body Keeps the Score. It discusses different types of trauma, different therapies, and what works better for each.

I realisered at some point most thearapy isn't easy if you are ND. Just a thought.

The stuff you missed out on from childhood are you seeking that to be replaced by others?

In situations like yours - the absence of adequate care nurturance in childhood - people go in various directions. Your way seems to be investing in being there for other people from what you have said, essentially over functioning in your relationships. You actively seek out people at a similar level to you and you give them what you were lacking but since they didn’t adapt the way you did they take all that they are missing and don’t give much back to you so you end up with a very familiar dynamic.

I suggest you slowly and as comfortably as you can manage start to turn that on its head and focus that effort and care and energy back into yourself.

I asked at the start of this is you were seeking that from others and to a degree we all are but if you do this from your starting point with your adaptions, you will end up in many relationships that don’t fulfil you but if you build yourself up first to a point where you are on a different level and looking for different things from relationships you will find much more suitable people for giving you what you want from relationships.

Your experience in therapy is mirroring what you went through in your family. Your needs are not being met, you feel unloved and unsupported by the person you should expect support from. This isn't a coincidence, it's a pattern and in some way you are contributing to it (nb this is not your fault, but has developed from your upbringing/training).

I think you should say this very thing to your therapist (assuming they're up to it - huge agree on the meh-ness of many therapists). Learning to articulate your needs, both to yourself and other people, will transform your life.

Hugs from a very experienced mental health patient.

That's probably true and cause for thought.

You're spot on with this. Unfortunately I find it very difficult to prioritise myself and don't really know how to.

I have read it. I'm totally on board with that way of thinking.

I wonder if this is the absolute root cause of your depression.

1. You seem to question if you are lovable - you are you are just trained to choose the wrong types of people to express that with

2. You have been giving from a pretty emotionally empty vessel - that was what you were trained to do

3. You are choosing people who cause you to repeat the same patterns.

I was in a very similar position a decade ago. I read everything I could find about doing something about this and I found a really great therapist to help me. He was incredibly practical and did not suffer foolish behaviour at all which was really good for me. It was proper kick up the arse therapy with very limited wallowing.

I believe if you try and find a therapist through Better Health, on the online form they ask you what kind of approach you would prefer - for instance more direct and task-based, or gentler and more listening. The best therapy I had was free on the NHS and definitely task-based, but good luck with getting it free these days.

Read a book, write a book, go on a walk, go to a spa, learn a new skill, practise meditation, make yourself an amazing meal, don't answer the phone - urgent calls will always leave a message (otherwise it's spam and marketing), have a lie in, watch your favourite programme, shut the door on other people if they're annoying you, don't say yes to things you don't want to do ... wear sunscreen.

Perhaps it's difficult for a therapist to "get you" when so much of your energy goes into other people?

(This is not to say that a qualified psychotherapist wouldn't be thinking about this).

It sounds like there is a collapse on both sides - you and your therapists - at some point.

Can you identify any external triggers that have contributed to ending therapy? Or thoughts about the therapy itself?

I found your post very thought-provoking. It had me reconsidering how I relate to my own time. Do I see it as mine first and foremost and am I conscious of giving it away when I choose to do something for others? Am I willing to be thanked when I do choose that because I'm aware of what it cost me (in terms of developing my own life)?

One therapist seemed quite irritated with me. She had one young child and I think it's hard sometimes to understand what can go wrong later on with adult children and teens.
Others have made lots of sympathetic noises and commented about how terrible my childhood was without connecting it to my later life or current relationships. It felt like I was doing a lot of the work sometimes myself .
I need a combination of challenge and toughness as well as sympathy. If there is hint of criticism I can't take it .I can take constructive analysis which makes me look at myself but if I feel judged or criticised I run a mile. One therapist was more interested in what I was wearing or what was going outside than in what I was saying.

Yes, I've tried all that.

I think the solution would be to find different ways to look at the issues I'm facing and find better ways to cope practically and mentally. I'm stuck in this loop of not knowing what to do or how to cope.

@Veryapposite I'm currently having counselling for some similar behaviours and what I find helpful is for my therapist to set me goals to complete before the next session. First, you need to articulate what you want to achieve, of course, and then they breaks it down into manageable steps. If I don't achieve the goal, my therapist is nice about it but pushes me to keep trying.

Talking about past trauma at first so they understand your background is helpful, but dwelling on it too long doesn't move you forward IYSWIM. It sounds as if you need to identify what you want from life and then your therapist can help you work out how to achieve that. Share specific examples of situations that you're struggling with, for example, my adult child/elderly parent/partner is creating this challenge, how do I deal with it -so together you can work out how to address
them.

Edit to say that I find that you need to tell your therapist that you want solutions and that you're not going to fall apart if they suggest something that challenges you. Some of their clients are very fragile so if you want real solutions, you need to emphasize that you're OK hearing them.

Good luck.

Only EMDR worked for me. All my issues stemmed from trauma

So you want a therapist who will offer a constructive analysis - something that explains your difficulties without leaving you feeling criticised.

That makes sense.

How about feeling empowered (i.e. looking at what you could do with the constructive analysis)?