PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

I have actually got a second phone with a Lyca sim. Its at home and I am still away. But can use that after. Meant to be heading back home after school run but am going to stay out until GP appt, then see a school mum, until pick up time.

Going in circles and the mood swings are SO extreme. After posting I had to give my son my phone to play a game on for 15 minutes so I wouldnt immediately text him as I had this massive weird rush, like panic but not exactly, that WTF am i doing, Ive messed up, bugger, call and say sorry etc

My memory is shot and the recordings and WhatsApp log are my lifeline

The insane rush you talk about is your adrenaline continuously spiking when you’re with him because you were either scared out of your mind or so relieved when he seemed calm. You are like a war veteran with PTSD who is struggling to adjust coming home to peace.

It’s like a dangerous addiction for you, OP, he’s conditioned you to need him. As with substance addictions, you need to remove the proximity of the thing. The equivalent of pouring your vodka stash down the sink here is to change phones so he can’t contact you but more importantly, you can’t contact him even if you want to.

@Forevertrappedhere you are doing so well and do sound like you are coping better than last time. Reading your posts it’s almost like you’re experiencing the same emotions as someone trying to give up drugs. You know the substance was going to kill you so you had to give it up but the detox period is painful and it would be so easy to go back to it to relieve the pain you’re experiencing right now. Logically you know this would be bad for you in the long run but your body craves the thing you’ve given up and you can only focus on the good that it gave you, not the crushing reality of the after effects.
This will get easier eventually, you can do this. You just need to stay away this time because if you go back he will be even more dangerous and there may be no option to leave.

You need some therapy to help with the trauma bonding.
Please contact Women’s Aid. They will be able to help.
You can do this. We have faith in you, but you have to find your anger and be proactive.
You have had wonderful advice on here.
Please lean on your family for support.

Stress hormones like cortisol can be removed from the body through sweat and tears. Can you go for a run or similar exercise? Then have a good cry after.

I have a long list of people to call today around the GP. Priority is dentist as I snapped a tooth last night and lost a filling too. I have various health ailments, one of which gives me brittle teeth and I think I’m grinding.

The freedom programme people from August never followed up despite chasing. The police gave me the number for in person sessions - I called them they are in Wigan and the nearest session is over 100 miles away from me! So going to call them back today too

I can’t physically move much. One because of my health anyway but also because any thing that raises heart rate makes my head pound around the injury atm

You can do it online
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

How about low intensity things like chair based exercise? It might not have as much of an impact but anything is good.

Can you focus on one thing - like your children’s safety? No matter how distorted your thoughts and feelings get, have that as your rock - my children’s safety comes first.

I have dealt with trauma-based self destructive urges and behaviours and understand how they distort your mind and you lose perspective. The main thing I did was keep my children in mind, as my rock and my focus. No matter how I felt - I was doing it for my children. It helped to keep the focus off myself and whatever I was feeling in the moment - it was a constant and it was outside myself which made it easier.

I keep trying to keep the children in mind.
GP confirmed the referral to MH team that was meant to have been in Jan hasn’t and has sent as urgent. She thinks it’s PTSD and maybe something else but she didn’t say what

Been sat outside my house since 11:30. He definitely isn’t inside. But struggling to go in and face it all

I also have SW coming at 3:20 today

Sorry to keep going on about this, but you aren’t answering questions about your family? Can you go to them for safety? Can they help you get over this? Do you have a Brother who can go round to your DH and tell him exactly what he thinks about him for doing this to his Sister?

I did answer about family or maybe that was on old thread.

My father is in heart failure which was the whole reason I let ex back in. Rest of family either live too far from us now OR are too angry at me for going back

Really massively freaking struggling to not message him. I’ve blanked everything out and just desperately want to go back. The food seems so good and there’s one particular memory that I’m craving and it’s so dumb because it’s so mundane and only led to such a rush of endorphins because such a normal act was so rare.

idiot. I’m and idiot.

This is a weird request I know - but if anyone is willing to just be a sounding board via PM could they drop me a message? Just for desperate moments or to be like a distracting penpal

My love, he beat you so badly he gave you raccoon eyes. He has endlessly called you abusive, horrific names. He is a danger to your children emotionally and inevitably physically even if he hasn’t physically hurt them yet. You NOT contacting him is the greatest act of motherhood you can give your kids ever. You must stay strong. They deserve your love and sympathy, not him. Choose them.

You're not an idiot, not at all. You are an abused woman who has been psychologically manipulated and abused by a man who is, at the least, a sociopath. You are trauma-bonded to him, and crave the false pleasures of the few times he treated you well. You know it's an illusion, but your feelings and hormones think it's real and long for a repeat.
This is the withdrawal stage when you wean yourself off the drug - because it is addictive, and it must very very hard to do it cold turkey. But you have to, for yourself, and for your children.
Be strong, there is life and healing for you.

And a fractured skull !
OP, you are doing the right thing here, don't ever forget it.

@Forevertrappedhere accidentally just deleted a really long post I wrote but the gist was keep posting on this thread. PMs can be great but here there are more people to give quicker responses than someone who logs in once or twice a day.

No one is judging you, feel free to say what you feel. You really do sound like you are doing so much better than last time even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Tell your family you’ve left him. It’s understandable if they feel unable to support you as it’s impossible to really comprehend why someone would go back into an abusive situation when looked at from the outside. They are no doubt frustrated that you put yourself in harms way, it’s painful to watch someone you love return to an abusive partner and be unable to do anything about it. Let them know anyway, tell them you are really trying to stay away but explain that it’s difficult when being away causes mental torment.

You ca do this, you are stronger than you know.

@Forevertrappedhere can you not delete his number? Or block it? Or at the very least change his name in your contacts to something that will give you pause before contacting him?

Can you put things in place to distract yourself when the feeling to contact him overwhelms? Such as listening to music or podcasts to drown out the thoughts, or putting post its round the house with positive messages or reminders of why going back is a bad idea. Anything to stop you going back to him

OP how was the social worker chat?

Keep posting here @Forevertrappedhere there will always be someone to answer you.
How are you kids?

Hi Op,
I just wanted to share some of my own experience with you, so you know there really can be light at the end of the tunnel.
I was with a horrific abuser — my daughter’s father. One of the worst parts, and something I don’t think I will ever fully “get over” but have learned to compartmentalise, was the gaslighting. The insidious, constant gaslighting.
I remember him telling me that our relationship would never change unless he saw a doctor’s report confirming that my mental health problems were being addressed. He would routinely tell me I needed counselling, but never from a place of care or concern — it was always used to undermine me. When I caught him cheating, he deleted the messages and told me I had imagined it. Even his own mother struggled with him.
The turning point for me was when he punched me in the face. My daughter witnessed it, and she was only eight months old. He had called her horrific names, belittled me when I struggled with breastfeeding, and slowly chipped away at me. But that day, something changed in me.
It prompted police and social care involvement, and I was referred to a domestic abuse agency. I had the most amazing IDVA, and between her, the police and the social worker, I made a plan to leave. It took around six weeks. In truth, I had been quietly putting money aside for around 18 months before that.
The day I left, I packed up as much as I could while he was at work. I said goodbye to the neighbours and thanked them for calling the police when they had. Then I drove off and collected my daughter from nursery. I stayed with a friend he didn’t know about for two weeks, and then moved into my own rented home — the same home I’m still in six years later.
My daughter is now seven. She sees her dad, and she sees his behaviour for herself. He still cannot help but speak badly about me to her, but I truly believe that in time she will make her own sense of who he is.
The point I’m trying to make is that I did get out — but I got out when I was ready. Not when other people told me to. Not when people begged me to. Not when everyone else could see it. I had to reach that point inside myself.
From what you’ve written, I wonder whether you may not quite be there yet. That isn’t a criticism. It is part of the cycle. Sometimes we leave because other people tell us we should, but emotionally we are not ready, and that is why we go back.
I don’t know what your turning point will be, but I do know that you deserve safety, peace and a life where you are not constantly having to survive someone else’s cruelty.
Please take a long, honest look at yourself and try to find that conviction — not for anyone else, but for you. You deserve better than this. Your safety, your wellbeing and your psychological peace matter.
And when you are ready, there is a way out. I promise you, there is life on the other side.

@Forevertrappedhere there is another thread going on, which you might find helpful.
Its quite recent and there are some similarities to what you're going through. The OP has struggled but reached such a good place, and you can too!
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/5517759-police-action-after-101-call-has-left-us-separated-and-struggling-financially?page=16&reply=151848308