Therapist said I was controlling at the end of a session

[Lilmisspeacekeeper]

Hello, this is my first time starting a thread and I just wanted some insight to what you would take from my therapy session last week.

I'd had a tearful session, and noted in my head that my session was almost up ( the clock is right across from me). So i said to my therapist, "I'm aware my session is almost at an end and I don't want to get into anything else that'll make me overly emotional." To which he responded, "is not up to you to say your session is over, it's up to me, the therapist". Then he muttered something about me being controlling. To which I answered, "I'm not being controlling, I'm just trying to protect myself from becoming overly emotional right at the end of session and then leaving the room upset and crying my eyes out in the toilet down the corridor. To which he made no comment. I then stood up and for the first time held out my hand for a handshake, to which he looked bemused. As I've gone through the week I'm wondering why he said i was controlling, is this countertransference? Or was i being controlling😱. I feel that he was pulling rank on me, and it felt in that moment that we wasn't equal, should we be equal? What do you think?

Dear goodness OP, get a new therapist!

I'm sorry that happened to you.

What a strange thing to say! I’d change therapist.

My bad therapist alarm has gone off!

He was out of order, I agree it would be good to find someone new and more professional.

Your therapist sounds like an arse

he sounds … mean. maybe he was having a bad day?

how is he otherwise?

That isn’t OK. Depending on how the therapeutic relationship is between you generally I might discuss it during another session but it would equally be reasonable to find another therapist.

Gosh, that‘s inappropriate. I would be looking into changing therapists after that - I don’t think you can come back from something like that. You’re always going to remember in the back of his mind and it will affect what you feel you can say. How about mailing or texting him before the next session and just say you found it inappropriate. If he apologises, for example, and admits it was an unwise comment, the problem would be largely dealt with, and might even enhance your communication in the future. If he doubles down or ignores you, that’s a red flag.

You are absolutely correct, you should be an equal participant in your sessions. I have no experience of therapy but I cannot abide medical professionals who don’t accept that I am the expert on me, and I have the right to decide how or whether something is dealt with. I agree with PPs. New therapist.

I wouldn't be seeing him again. To be honest, it sounds like a tactic so you won't return to him.

My counsellor always used to end on the dot of the finishing time, which I thought was fine as it's professional boundaries, so I would totally have done what you did if I was upset towards the end. He was weird.

You are within your rights to end the session when you want. But what happens between you and your therapist is best discussed between you. Take it back to him and have the conversation there. Ask him what he meant. Tell him how you felt. It’s more productive to be honest about it. If you don’t, you miss out on a chance to learn something and understand yourself better.
(but why did you shake hands? That’s interesting. 🧐)

Wouldn't use any more of my time or money on this guy. Find a better therapist. It's unprofessional to snap back at client who is aware the session is about to end. Doesn't he want sessions to keep to time? Mine have always dealt with this sensitively. His comments were totally inappropriate and I would email him that and say you won't be returning.

Your therapist was wrong to say what they did. They should have explored why you said what you did.

How did you find this person? He sounds most unprofessional.

Thank you all for your validation🥲 I'm so grateful for each and everyone of your views.

I'm going to therapy in an hour and I'm going to put on my big girl pants and ask him about this. I've been with him for 8 months and I feel very little connection with him and I can honestly say, I'm really trying, I think that's what the handshake was about, my handshake was a "we're equal, I have respect for you, I want you to like me. " He's an NHS psychodynamic therapist, I'm a white British woman, and he's a Pakistani man in his 60s.

Without being there to witness the interaction it’s hard to truthfully comment on it.

This is your version of what happened, driven by your emotions and opinion but your therapist may have a different view.

It’s interesting you say that you were called controlling and then say that you offered a hand shake for the first time straight after this comment. This behaviour does nod towards you trying to gain control of the situation and have the upper hand (no pun intended)

I totally get what you're saying, you're right you're only getting my version of events. In the past we've talked about me putting people on a pedestal, so I've become very aware to try to see people as equal to me rather than me being inferior to others, this is what I'm working on. And right at the last minute when I made an observation regarding the time and being at the end of session, he put himself up on a pedestal, and squashed me down to being inferior to him. He became the parent/ teacher and I became the child. Its quite clear to me that he doesn't see me as his equal.

He's a knob. Don't give it another thought beyond sending an email to say you're terminating sessions with him.

That's shitty comment from a therapist when most I'm sure would understand and be glad that you've awareness of regulating your needs and just move to some light chitchat rather than reprimand and label you controlling which as a therapist they'd surely know would play on your mind.

I think the handshake is an odd move but you were shocked and maybe had in mind a final goodbye at the time I would ditch him and get another therapist if you can?

The guy’s a dick. He got emotional - therapists shouldn’t be that (not to your face).

Any normal person would have interpreted what you said as “oh, she’s polite and courteous! She’s aware of the time constraint and is letting me know she won’t take the piss and try and trauma dump now and then milk another 10 mins out of me”

I also wouldn’t care if he was having a bad day. A surgeon wouldn’t be allowed to, IDK, roughly handle a patient on the table because she got a parking ticket that morning.

Oh, and he MUTTERED it? That kind of pass agg bollocks would have me not returning to him.

You showed self awareness and an awareness of the boundaries of the therapeutic session.
A good therapist would be conscious of the time and would also be making sure that you were regulated enough to leave the session safely. Muttering and accusing you of being controlling is not okay. And, you have every right to decide when the therapy session ends within the allotted appointment time.
For your own sake and for advocating for yourself, I’d bring this up with him for closure and then move on to a different therapist. I’m all for rupture and repair but with a safe, well boundaried, professional therapist.

My dad is a retired psychologist and he always says the sign of a good therapist is how they end a session

Find a new one OP asap!

If after 8 months, you still don't gel, and he's getting into weird dynamics, I'd move on and find another one unless you very very much value his take on things. He sounds quite sexist somehow.

“I've been with him for 8 months and I feel very little connection with him”

OP, I think it’s vital to have a connection with your therapist, or at least to like them a bit. A long time ago, I had therapy, and I ended up disliking the therapist, and it was frankly a complete waste of time, so I would agree with others who say it’s way beyond the time for you to find a new therapist.