Therapist said I was controlling at the end of a session

[Lilmisspeacekeeper]

Hello, this is my first time starting a thread and I just wanted some insight to what you would take from my therapy session last week.

I'd had a tearful session, and noted in my head that my session was almost up ( the clock is right across from me). So i said to my therapist, "I'm aware my session is almost at an end and I don't want to get into anything else that'll make me overly emotional." To which he responded, "is not up to you to say your session is over, it's up to me, the therapist". Then he muttered something about me being controlling. To which I answered, "I'm not being controlling, I'm just trying to protect myself from becoming overly emotional right at the end of session and then leaving the room upset and crying my eyes out in the toilet down the corridor. To which he made no comment. I then stood up and for the first time held out my hand for a handshake, to which he looked bemused. As I've gone through the week I'm wondering why he said i was controlling, is this countertransference? Or was i being controlling😱. I feel that he was pulling rank on me, and it felt in that moment that we wasn't equal, should we be equal? What do you think?

you dont have much connection after all this time?
nope. just dump him.
he sounds like an arse anyway. too busy quoting stuff and not understand in that when you’re about to walk out you WANT to be in control of your own body.
nope.
hes not the one.
ask how to change therapists as the trust in his professional ability to understand you has gone.

He shouldn't be 'muttering' anything during your sessions. Anything he says should be communicated clearly. Therapy can involve being challenged and having the therapist push back at times, but it should always be done respectfully and kindly, and it doesn't sound like that's what happened here

Let us know what he says. I'm really concerned though that after so long in therapy, you don't feel a connection to him. Feeling a sense of trust and connection is the most important aspect of therapy - it's not possible to feel truly safe without it. I would seriously consider seeking therapy elsewhere

Why on earth have you stayed in therapy for 8 months with someone you feel no connection with? LTB

Thank you all again for your valued input on my situation. The reason I stayed so long is because with the NHS you can't be choosy, you get what your given and I've waited 2 years to see someone. Part of the 8 months were phone calls due to me having major surgery and being unable to do a face to face appt. I have talked to him about difficulty connecting, i think we just don't gel and that's OK, I'm Ok with that, but I'm not OK with not being an equal. I'm due to go in and talk about the situation, I will be brave xx

I agree with this, especially the bit about leaving in an emotionally regulated state. More than once I’ve had an absolute horrorshow of an emotionally fraught session and my therapist has said “Mussel, I’m aware of how upset you are right now and I don’t want you unsupported. Our session has to end in a minute as I’ve got another client but we can book something in now before your next scheduled session or else you can write out your thoughts to me in an email if it all gets too much? Are you going to be ok?” NOT, as you got, “the bell tells ME when the lesson ends, not you” variant. He’s not your boss. He is, as you say, your equal.

I too wonder why you have stayed. Is it because it is nhs therapy? Is there an option to change?

I've had therapy with two different therapists (both female) and neither would have said anything like that. My experience was much more aligned with that described by @MauriceTheMussel

I hope bringing it up with your therapist is productive OP, although given his behaviour so far I am not sure it will be.

Well I'm back from my appt and I brought it up with him.

He denied that he called me controlling at the end of the session and said that I'd had a very tearful session and would never have used negative language.

I replayed the conversation to him adding, why would I say to him, "I'm not controlling the session I'm just trying to protect myself from getting overly emotional at the end of session so that I don't walk out in tears and end up in the toilet down the corridor crying my eyes out."

He said i must've misheard him, and that he was saying about me controlling my tears, which makes no sense because I was regulated in my mood at the end of session.

I told him that I feel he's just another man telling me that I misheard, I misunderstood, when I heard quite clearly what was being said.

I told him to listen back to the transcript and he'll hear word for word what was said, he said he would.

He never apologised just insisted that I'd misinterpreted him.

I had a feeling there was something sexist going on and this confirms it, he's now telling you black is white even though you know what you heard. Well done for asking him about it. I'd see if it were possible to change, and if not, I'd probably stay with the therapy and use him as a sounding board/somewhere to offload and not expect amazing therapeutic insights from him. I haven't found many counsellors have amazing therapeutic insights if I'm completely honest.

It sounds like the relationship has broken down. You don't trust him, and personally I wouldn't want to engage in therapy with someone I don't trust.

Regardless of the specifics, it doesn't sound as if this can possibly be doing you any good therapeutically.

Also, I've had a lot of therapy in two different countries with different therapists and different modalities, and the clock in the room has never been in a position where I could see it -- it's usually behind me so that the therapist can see it and judge the tenor of the session organically, including when to draw it to a close and judging what things should not be brought up to close to the end for them to be left hanging.

Bloody well done you for bringing this up. Take THAT for having people on a pedestal.

He, however, consistently gaslit you. You clearly can’t trust or respect this man going forwards. I agree with a PP to use him as a venting board and not expect great support

Thank you again to all who've taken the time to respond, I'm truly thankful for your views.

I have to admit it was nerve racking to go in and have a face to face confrontation as I don't deal with confrontations very well, I choose to run away! So I'm proud of myself for doing that.

I'm seriously thinking about walking away from my therapist, and that makes me sad because I've waited so long.

I might go back next week just to hear what he says about the transcript and to give him a chance to admit he was in the wrong. Because i know what I heard!

Maurice the mussel, you made me laugh and feel proud with your comment, thank you! And yes I too feel like he was gaslighting me.

You can complain and ask for another therapist.

Well done for saying your piece.

He's not your equal. He's the therapist. You are having therapy.

In the same way the GP isn't your equal. They might be very nice to you and make you feel like you are, but you aren't. YOU are going to THEM for their professional advice.

It sounds to me like you are trying to control how he is behaving - challenging him on what he said, insisting he listens to the playback. I wonder if the reason you are having therapy is because of problems in your relationships, and if this mirrors those issues?

If the therapy isn't working, find someone else. Pay for someone you do like. It sounds to me like you are subconciously trying to turn him into someone you've had a difficult relationship with before so you can challenge him and play that relationship out again.

Yeah, don’t listen to that

A therapist is entirely different to a GP. Yes, you are consulting a medic for their medical advice, but you're not seeing a therapist for advice!

This is a load of nonsense. Of course OP and her therapist are equals. In the same way I’m equal to my GP, or my hairdresser, or my plumber.

Yes, you’re using them for their professional knowledge but that doesn’t make them some form of superior being.

Yes you are, you are trying to work through things and move forwards. If you don't gel with a therapist, fine. But I find it interesting that OP, instead of being put off but the therapists reported rudeness and deciding to get a different one, is going back and challenging him and getting into conflict with him.

Transference in therapy is the unconscious projection if a clients feelings from past relationships and situations onto their therapist, as a way of 'trying to work through it' in a safe space.

I find it baffling that posters are blindly egging the OP on in assuming the therapist is evil. This is harmful. I also suspect that the therapists version of events may be wuite different.

Then he muttered something about me being controlling.

But what did he mutter?

'Some form of superior being' - This is a really weird way to look at things.

Does a plumber know more than you than plumbing -yes.
Are you equals, when plumbing matters are being discussed - no
Are you equals in the street - yes.

Going through life with a: 'What do you know about xyz, even though I've sought out your professional advice, we are EQUALS' is a really baffling thing to encourage someone to do

It’s more baffling that you think they are not equals.

But I sense we are never going to agree and I’ve no wish to argue and derail.

Transference can be useful in therapy as the therapist can challenge the client on their behaviour, and help them understand their own motivations, assumptions, communication style, difficulties. That's the whole point if therapy, surely. Unless you just want someone to listen to how hard your life has been for an hour.

Honestly, that doesn’t sound controlling at all. It sounds like you were just being self-aware and trying to protect yourself from getting really upset right at the end of the session and then having to leave in that state.