Therapist said I was controlling at the end of a session

[Lilmisspeacekeeper]

Hello, this is my first time starting a thread and I just wanted some insight to what you would take from my therapy session last week.

I'd had a tearful session, and noted in my head that my session was almost up ( the clock is right across from me). So i said to my therapist, "I'm aware my session is almost at an end and I don't want to get into anything else that'll make me overly emotional." To which he responded, "is not up to you to say your session is over, it's up to me, the therapist". Then he muttered something about me being controlling. To which I answered, "I'm not being controlling, I'm just trying to protect myself from becoming overly emotional right at the end of session and then leaving the room upset and crying my eyes out in the toilet down the corridor. To which he made no comment. I then stood up and for the first time held out my hand for a handshake, to which he looked bemused. As I've gone through the week I'm wondering why he said i was controlling, is this countertransference? Or was i being controlling😱. I feel that he was pulling rank on me, and it felt in that moment that we wasn't equal, should we be equal? What do you think?

I'd be looking for another therapist.

I think psychodynamic therapy needs a very safe therapeutic relationship and this doesn't sound particularly emotionally safe for you. I'd actually go as far to say that I wouldn't want to do psychodynamic therapy with a male therapist.
I do actually think it's great in the right conditions, but there is so much potential for abuse of power.

Wow! That's a reach! Lol!
I'm having therapy because I was rejected, abandoned and abused as a child, I people please and put them on a pedestal because I think I'm inferior to them and I feel my job in life is to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness, because I'm not worthy of my own peace and happiness. I feel that everyone else is more important and more valuable than I am.
I'm the least controlling person you'll ever meet after being raised by alcoholic and abusive parents, i used to choose to say nothing, even though i knew i was right. I try to make myself invisible so as to not draw attention to myself. And I also have a great memory and know what I heard. I'm learning that I am important, I'm learning to find my voice, I'm learning that i do have the ability to have control over me, and you're wrong, we are all equals in this life.

And the reason I've stuck with this therapist is because it's the NHS, you don't get to choose your therapist, you get what you're given.

I'm not surprised that she's not looking for another therapist, I'm not sure why you think that's just an easy thing to do when you've waited for years for one on the NHS.

I’d be ending our sessions and leaving a poor review anywhere I could.

Are you female? I don’t think women should ever see male therapists. So many of women’s common psychological issues are rooted in patriarchy. You need a therapist who isn’t going to try to blame you for those bits.

I think after 8 months you should have made great strides with a good therapist.
He does not sound like one.
And whilst a therapist guides a session the time within it belongs to the client. You can sit and cry for 50 minutes. Sit in silence for half an hour. Get up and leave after 5 minutes.
Therapy 101 teaches a therapist about beginning and ending a session. It’s important for a therapist to know where a client ‘is’ towards the end of the session, so that they can leave the session in a stabilised state.
My therapist knows I’m a stickler for timing and ever since I was at school I can tell where I am in an hour without looking at a clock so now and again she lightens the mood by asking how long we’ve got left?
If you are having this particular type of therapy 8 months should have really seen you making progress. It should not be about a therapist making a snarky comment like that!

He sounds terrible and he crossed a boundary twice now, badly. He called you controlling, and then he lied to you about never having said it.

Can you request someone else? I don’t think you can progress with him and it’s entirely on him being dreadful and inappropriate.

I hear your point about the NHS but you have every right to demand a female therapist.

But it’s not exactly transference when the bloke accused her, muttered and then gaslit her, is it?

I have recognised during my face to face sessions that he has left me unregulated at the end of sessions, which i think in turn has made me aware that I need to make sure myself that I'm regulated, hence watching the clock! It's no fun leaving the room sobbing and scream crying in the toilet that's just down the corridor, and to then have to drive half an hour in 70mph traffic back home! I asked about a different therapist but he said he's getting to know me now and it would mean me being put back on the NHS waiting list and seeing someone else would mean beginning right from the start, to be honest, I'm exhausted and at 50 years old, I just want to move forward and try to heal myself. I've learnt a lot about my feelings and I'm wondering whether life is too short for therapy at my age and if I should just be trying to get on in life.

I don’t think that he has behaved professionally and appropriately. Some people would say that it’s just your side of the story. Yes, of course. But firstly, he has used word controlling and it’s not a word to use lightly in the context of therapy and secondly you didn’t connect with him in 8 months so it’s time to change therapist asap.

By the way don’t be afraid to be controlling, if you know about this you can work out “mitigation strategies” where necessary and use them.
Tbh I’m controlling. It’s better than the opppsite imo.

@Lilmisspeacekeeper do you feel like, in eight months of working with him you’ve improved or made tangible differences to your life? How is it feeling to have the therapy, are you seeing a positive benefit?

You're misunderstanding the issue I think.

Knowing more is one thing, being unprofessional is another.

The issue is not the therapist's knowledge, but their inappropriate and unprofessional approach.

A plumber can know everything about the boiler, and still be unprofessional - they are separate matters.

You don't need to explain yourself who is the one contrary voice on the thread. Don't be distracted from all the supportive voices.

Because the therapist has been inappropriate, you can discuss a switch. You are not at fault here.

I think you need some advice on how to progress with this - you should not need to negotiate with him - who runs the service overall?

Does PALS cover this service?

Please complain and request a change of therapist. He sounds difficult and has poor interpersonal skills. It's highly unlikely you will be the first to complain about him. Eight months is way too long to stick it out if it's not working. It's not you, it's him.

Three things:

• therapy should be contractual with both sides able to establish and suggest changes to the parameters (either in general or in a specific session)
• suggesting a client is controlling is a major point of discussion in the therapeutic relationship - just muttering it to himself is a big red flag - a very big one.
• he does sound as though he likes to be in control which is a basic flaw in a therapist

I would look elsewhere if I were you.

Call the service and speak to a manager. Say you've tried to broach it with the therapist and he wasn't receptive. Make some bullet points from the issues you've described.

I see that this is an NHS therapist. His employers need to know about his weaknesses - he is dealing with vulnerable people.

He insulted you and then gaslit you. What a piece of shit. However he may behave in future now he knows you stand up to him.hes clearly not comfortable with his own behaviour.or he’d admit it.

I hate all the crying, he said I have a lot of grief inside me, grief for the childhood I never had, grief for the parents I never had, grief over my lost potential, grief of not having a loving childhood experience. I told him I don't know who I am, I don't know what I like, this is all wrapped up in trauma during childhood, I never had the chance to develop and form a sense of self, a sense of who I am. So I've gone into adulthood armed with my fawning and people pleasing skills. My life has never been about me, it's been about what I bring to others, that's what I've learned. During therapy I've learned that it's OK for me to have a voice, to stand up for myself. I've learned that the shame I carry isn't my shame, the guilt I carry isn't my fault. So I feel I've learned a lot about myself. This is the second rupture I've had with my therapist, but I don't like how he said I was controlling the session and then didn't take responsibility or accountability for what he'd said. He reminded me of my dad, and of a lot of men who deny any wrong doing and try to pass it off as I'm the one who's mistaken, I'm the one who got it wrong, I'm the one who misheard. So yes I've learnt a lot, but I'm also very saddened with my therapist.

@Lilmisspeacekeeper
Having no experience with mental health professionals I can’t say whether he’s good or not, it from your description of what you feel your difficulties are, then it seems you are doing really well.
Challenging a professional, and then having to go back again and discuss it further is the stuff of nightmares for a people pleaser. So in terms of improving it looks like you are doing well.