Therapist said I was controlling at the end of a session

[Lilmisspeacekeeper]

Hello, this is my first time starting a thread and I just wanted some insight to what you would take from my therapy session last week.

I'd had a tearful session, and noted in my head that my session was almost up ( the clock is right across from me). So i said to my therapist, "I'm aware my session is almost at an end and I don't want to get into anything else that'll make me overly emotional." To which he responded, "is not up to you to say your session is over, it's up to me, the therapist". Then he muttered something about me being controlling. To which I answered, "I'm not being controlling, I'm just trying to protect myself from becoming overly emotional right at the end of session and then leaving the room upset and crying my eyes out in the toilet down the corridor. To which he made no comment. I then stood up and for the first time held out my hand for a handshake, to which he looked bemused. As I've gone through the week I'm wondering why he said i was controlling, is this countertransference? Or was i being controlling😱. I feel that he was pulling rank on me, and it felt in that moment that we wasn't equal, should we be equal? What do you think?

He doesn't sound like the right therapist for you.

I don't expect he'll admit to the controlling comment even if he does hear it on the recording.

I wouldn’t be able to connect with male therapist, no way.

The reason I stuck with him is because I know i have problems with men, I thought it would help me to communicate with men, I thought it would help me challenge men in a confident way and to not be so scared of men and put me out of my comfort zone. I connect with women really quickly and thought I might get more out of my experience if I had a male therapist (plus he was the only one I was offered. ) My first session was him telling me to acknowledge my race bias and cultural bias, with me being a white woman and him being a Pakistani man. I was very surprised and a little shocked, the whole thing felt weird to me, he continued with race and cultural bias discussion for the 2nd session and said he agreed that I have difficulty with males in general. I hoped working with him would help me find peace with men.

I mean apart from the obvious things you have pointed out he’s a male Pakistani man in his 60s. Not a great match for you I imagine…..

oh and I’ve just read your latest update about him bringing race and culture into the equation. Yeah fuck that, never see him again. No wonder he was the only one with availability!!

Ooh, a wanker!

I wouldn’t be going back. There are some really awful therapists out there sad to say. I speak from experience.

I think you really do need to find some support, someone who can advocate for you here.
You've tried very bravely but this doesn't sound right.

You shouldn't lose access to support because of this situation which has not been caused by you.

The more you say the more it seems so very wrong.
He starts by challenging you about racial and cultural bias .... the counselling is not about him, it is about you!

Did he acknowledge his race bias against you race? His culture bias against your culture? And his sex bias against your sex?

Or was it just you who were marked as a racist?

He sounds awful OP.

If you don’t feel much of a connection after 8 months I would move onto someone else. I have had excellent relationships with a counsellor and a coach and also had a coach I didn’t feel the connection with, I made so much more progress when the chemistry was there.

It was a one way discussion. And yes I was made to feel it was my responsibility to acknowledge our differences.

Bin him.

This sounds terrible OP and really not helpful for you. I’m so sorry this has been your experience of therapy so far and by your thoughtful self aware language in your posts, it sounds like you’re doing really well and working really hard.

Given all you’re trying to process and come to terms with through therapy, I also think a female therapist may be a better fit. You can still work through struggling with men and have exercises to do outside of the sessions to then bring back to your therapist.

He sounds really really awful. Is there anyone else you can take your problems with him to to get a different therapist? It doesn’t seem right that only he can refer you back or onto someone else when he’s been behaving in an unprofessional manner. Yes it does mean taking a few steps back to get to know a new one but then hopefully you’ll make more productive headway with a new one and possibly need less sessions overall.

no no no. none of that is ok.
Please don't go back to him.

The main thing I find odd is that anyone can get 8 months of psychodynamic therapy on the NHS. That in itself would usually suggest a client has quite severe problems. Plus NHS therapists are very highly supervised and regulated much more so than those in private practice making it less likely he is a rogue therapist and more likely that this is one side of the story. If you don’t like the therapist, feel you can’t get more out of it and want it to end then perhaps you should do that but the NHS is unlikely to provide a replacement.

Is he registered with BCAP? Bin him off if not.

Omg I can't believe what I'm reading. I'd report him and get rid.

My god you've done so well to persevere with this situation. I really admire how hard you've tried to make it work & that you have actually learnt a lot about yourself despite this being quite a shit therapist. I feel that you've made the best of a bad job because you were desperate.

And to walk back in there the week after and say your piece! Bloody good on you. I've done it by letter to a therapist but I'd never have the guts to do it face to face.

You've proved to yourself how strong & tenacious you can be but you don't need to put up with this awful man any more. Get in touch with someone above him in the hospital / clinic and start the ball rolling to get a new, female therapist. I wouldn't bother going back to him while this is sorted but that's just me.

What rubbish. Are you her misogynistic therapist?

They will have to if there is a credible complaint.

"I told him to listen back to the transcript and he'll hear word for word what was said, he said he would"

Why is there a transcript of your session? This is really unusual practice to me.

That last update is troubling, but before that I thou sounded as though you had learned a lot.
I had amazing therapy. I learned so much and have been able to regulate much better, 20 years on. It wasn’t comfortable though. I wouldn’t say I had a connection with him, or even liked him. He challenged me about tiny things and big things.

I made a similar statement to you, OP, not about the end of a session but coming to the end of my therapy. I was afraid to bring up the scariest things and not have time to deal with them. He said that therapy is for the hard things.

I still didn’t go there though. I wasn’t ready and I was learning so much even without the hardest stuff.

But I wasn’t there, you were. If it were me, I’d give it a couple more sessions and see if I’m making progress.

What are the guy’s professional qualifications and his position in the service? How many sessions was the therapy supposed to be (NHS would never do open ended)? If you’ve had most of it I really don’t think they would re-offer or this would happen a lot near to the end of therapy courses.

If you feel you have addressed it with him and not got a satisfactory answer then the next step is to complain to his boss and/ or PALS but I think that subtle interactions in a psychodynamic therapy session might be a bit he said/ she said and hard to sustain such a credible complaint that you get assigned a whole new course of therapy.

If it’s being recorded does it not make it rather less likely that he would be gaslighting or controlling to the extent described as he would very easily be found out.

Usually recording sessions is only done for training purposes. Is he a trainee therapist? Age would not outrule that necessarily

OP did you know he was recording the sessions and did you sign a consent form? If not, that's a serious ethical breach. I'm assuming he's not a trainee as he's old. Maybe he's been asked by the service to record because of previous complaints. He would need your consent though.