Therapist said I was controlling at the end of a session

[Lilmisspeacekeeper]

Hello, this is my first time starting a thread and I just wanted some insight to what you would take from my therapy session last week.

I'd had a tearful session, and noted in my head that my session was almost up ( the clock is right across from me). So i said to my therapist, "I'm aware my session is almost at an end and I don't want to get into anything else that'll make me overly emotional." To which he responded, "is not up to you to say your session is over, it's up to me, the therapist". Then he muttered something about me being controlling. To which I answered, "I'm not being controlling, I'm just trying to protect myself from becoming overly emotional right at the end of session and then leaving the room upset and crying my eyes out in the toilet down the corridor. To which he made no comment. I then stood up and for the first time held out my hand for a handshake, to which he looked bemused. As I've gone through the week I'm wondering why he said i was controlling, is this countertransference? Or was i being controlling😱. I feel that he was pulling rank on me, and it felt in that moment that we wasn't equal, should we be equal? What do you think?

That’s not actually true. You can ask for another therapist.

He asked a few months back if he could record my sessions, i said it was OK as I have nothing to hide.

Well yes you can ask… but if there’s a 2 year waiting list it’s hardly as though another will be easily available.

In our area people not able/ willing to have a male therapist are waiting twice as long 3 years or more because it halves the pool of available therapists.

As it is such a scarce resource with so many people waiting it would be very hard to get reassigned half way through because all the people on the list will then wait longer still if someone gets to start over and have more sessions not to mention that therapeutically it’s usually advised to try to work through conflict as part of the therapy.

Ah, so you don't understand the meaning of 'equals' when it comes to interactions between people. There is no way that @Lilmisspeacekeeper meant that her knowledge of psychology was equal to his, anymore than a PP who tried to explain to you what is meant by saying that she is equal to her plumber etc.

I start off under the premise that when
I meet someone new, we are equals, whether I know anything about them or not. Mostly, I will assume we are equals, and if we never meet again, and I never hear anything about them again, it will just stay in my mind a little, until I have forgotten all about them - knowing me, that will be 2, or maybe 3 days, at the most. From what the OP has told us here, I don't actually think that she and the therapist are equal, I think that, as a person, she is probably his superior.

I don't know his professional qualifications, he comes into the unit just to see me, otherwise he works in other hospitals and in the community. We haven't talked about how many sessions I get, so I assumed it was open until I feel I no longer need therapy? He said that I misinterpreted him/ misunderstood/ misheard him, but I know what he said. If he's so certain he could've said, that he'll listen to the transcript to verify what I'd said, and get back to me, but he didn't he just denied and tried to turn it into me being the one who heard wrong. I'm wondering if he is retraining into a psychodynamic therapist and that's why I'm his only client in that unit?

Amen!

I’ll even go one further - I am the absolute opposite of a people pleaser. I’ll tell anyone to fuck off lol (which is ironically something I’m working on with my therapist) and there is no way in Hell I’d have calmly brought this up with him. I’d have blocked him and then complained to his regulator. So well done you for not fawning, not being emotional, not being hostile.

He sounds like an utter cockwomble. Id go one last time specifically to take the piss and offend him as much as possible. But you may not feel up to that.

Thank you wonderful people for your lovely support and kind words. I love a community that lifts people up and that's what I feel right now, lifted up🥰

This morning I was feeling conflicted and anxious, but I reached out, and there you all are❤️

I'm proud of how I handled myself at therapy, it was a big step forward for me.

I have the weekend to think about my next steps.

I wish you all a fab weekend, and big hugs all round 🫶

Find a new therapist
I see the handshake as a farewell

aah late to the party! Well done OP

I wonder if this is what he saw as ‘control’ when it’s actually you taking charge of your own situation and also possibly a slight trauma response if you grew up always having to look out for yourself and not able to rely on others

I’m a therapist and I would have validated your agency and praised the self-care. But that’s me. Tbh he should be managing your well-being regarding time of session.

I think while it sounds like you have had progress in this course of therapy, you are entering a new phase where you do recognise your voice matters and thus perhaps a different therapist and therapeutic style is going to be more beneficial.

and sadly yes this guy is also giving off red flags. I’d be concerned that continuing with him could set you back.

Seeing someone else wouldn’t mean beginning from the start! It means beginning from where you are comfortable to achieve the goals you now want to achieve!

Yet another red flag.

I’d definitely ask for a switch within the service and not to be put back on waiting list.

I’ve never heard of open ended NHS therapy. The waiting list usually does not allow. Having a planned number of sessions and an ending does allow these kind of situations to be managed more easily.

How did he introduce himself? Dr ? Consultant Psychotherapist/ Senior Psychologist/ CBT therapist? Or what did it say on the appointment letter? Who is he supervised by?

Maybe this is the natural ending and you should tell him that you want to bring the sessions to an end?

In your own terms of course you would not be starting from the start because you can take away what you have learnt from this course so if you need therapy again you will start from a different place.

Usually a break from therapy for a number of months would be advised to allow consolidation.

For reasons of fair use of resources I cannot imagine that after 8 months NHS therapy you would straight away be offered another course of therapy with a different therapist but then again ours is very strictly limited as to the number of sessions so maybe this is a context I just am unfamiliar with and the rules would be different.

He sounds like a loon.
Tell him fine you'll go back on the list and he can give his "help" to someone else...

Id also make a complaint about him.

Banging on about racial bias for an hour is really really odd.

Just read your thread and updates - as a fellow people pleaser and conflict avoider can I just say I’m SO proud of you for going back in and having the difficult conversation! That takes huge strength. It’s frustrating you’ve waited this long and it’s not the right fit, can you afford any private therapy? You can be much more choosy then and your connection is therefore highly valued. Lots also do payment reductions if cost is prohibitive.

i have had the same conversation as you with my therapist as the session comes to an end about being mindful of the time and whether going down an emotional or difficult route is safe considering I have to leave shortly after. I find the transition hard. So you’re not controlling and you’re allowed to be aware of your own needs and emotional regulation!

Your therapist sounds like he has issues he’s unable to leave at the door!