It sounds defeatist, I know but I genuinely can not see how I can ever recover from this and the older I am getting, the worse it is becoming.
As I write this I know it is pathetic, I see that it is and I know many people have little patience for health issues but it does hang over me like a black cloud. I do think my existing mental health issues and my chronic health problems are triggers though so it is a bit of a vicious cycle which I can not break.
I have always struggled with my mental health. From a very young age I would have a fear of dying and would spend a lot of time contemplating life and death. I also suffer with OCD which would often focus around contamination and illness a lot too.
I suppose it became a little better in my teen years and 20's but it was always there in the background. During my 30's I had my DC I managed to get through tummy bugs and viruses etc without having any major meltdowns although I would worry more than the average mum and would go into a panic if they came down with anything contagious, especially in the winter months and having emetophobia isn't much fun with young kids but I got through it.
None of my health anxiety problems are helped by the fact that I have struggled with some chronic health issues for decades. Since 1998 I have suffered from a bowels/guts problems (daily IBS and functional dyspepsia which are getting worse as I age), decades of excessively heavy periods resulted in years of anaemia which left my feeling very physically exhausted. I discovered 2 years ago that I have actually been suffering from endometriosis and adenomyosis. I seem to react very sensitively to hormones and also have aura migraines during my periods. My perimenopause journey has also been a bit rough over the last 7 years. I feel as though my body and mind are up against me every day (HRT makes my endo pain worse so can not take these and I have yet to find an antidepressant which doesn't exacerbate the gut issues).
I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD this year, I feel my mind has never functioned well and have limped along for decades.
But the covid pandemic shifted something in my brain, I feel it triggered the state that I am in now. I am not a conspiracy nut or anything like that but that timeline did something to me and I have not felt the same since. I am 52 so fully aware there have been and will always be pandemics and health disasters throughout history and most probably be more through my lifetime but the experience has triggered me and I am embarrassed to admit it although not helped by the fact my MIL died a horrible death in 2020 as a result of the pandemic (not from covid but because her cancer treatment was put on hold). My own mum had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018 and was left quite isolated during the pandemic, she is sadly now in the advanced stages of the disease and I help care for her which has added another notch on my health anxiety journey.
I have now reached a point where I feel I am going crazy with constant worry over my health (and the health of those closest to me). I despise and dread winter to the point I will stay at home as much as possible and only go out when I need to. This current flu spike has me on edge. I have had the flu 4 times since my 20's (last time was this April) and I felt dreadful every time to the point that I now very much fear illnesses like flu.
I don't know what to do to ease this fear, the older I get and the more likelihood of disease or illness is triggering more fear but it's absolutely no way to live. I just want to be able to enjoy the rest of my life without this fear escalating over time. Watching my mum slowly dying from dementia has taught me how short life actually is but nothing I do helps. I have had endless CBT sessions, I even had advanced CBT sessions focusing on health anxiety but that didn't touch it. I have had endless counselling and am at the end of my current lot of therapy. I even did EMDR etc yet nothing eases the ingrained fear that I now have.
Has anyone overcome long standing health anxiety? We all face the same potential risk of disease as the next person but how are some (probably most) people able to live heir lives to the fullest and not allow this kind of anxiety to dominate their every day thoughts? Is this something that can be overcome at such a late age?