Diary Of A Druggie...........

[thewiltedrose]

Dont mind me im just writing this so i can keep track of my symptoms and how i feel.
Feel free to comment, take the piss or add your own experiance of being on AD's.

I agree VS - it is hard to get motivated when you're feeling crap ....

...but WR only YOU can help YOURself. You have got to want to get yourself out of the (sorry to be blunt) shithole that you're in.

Coming to MN and talking about it - to complete strangers (like me!), is, in my opinion a major step forward. Treat that in itself as a stepping stone.

Like I said to you last night - a problem shared is a problem halved. It helps to get things off your chest and using MN is a great way to do it. Whilst I know its all thru the internet we are real people at the other end - and quite often we're people that are either going thru the same thing or have been there themselves so you will find 'talking' on here will help you.

There are always people on here - like you found Slur here during the early hours last night - you will never be on your own - I think it was great you found the guts to put your thread on here 'Diary of a Druggie' and you wanted to keep a diary of how you get on. You have had people come to your thread to HELP. Isn't that amazing in itself? That there are people out there that care?

I put a thread on here just after Dad died - I couldn't cope with the grief of losing someone so close to my heart. The response was overwhelming. I have made some lovely friends as a result - and they have remained great friends since.

Treat today as a new day - like VS said - today is the first day of the new you. Look at today as a turning point. Try to make today a happy day - play with the kids - praise them loads (unless they are being little devils!) and remind yourself you are a Mum with two healthy happy kids.....

I did an access course at college when I was a little older than you, I was convinced I was going to do a Psychology degree afterwards, but actually doing that course made me realise what it was I wanted to do, which is teach English, rather different to being a psychologist!
Hopefully your course will help you in the same way.

Debtwise, you need to get it all managed (sorry to keep coming back to this but it is a big black cloud that can be dispersed.) Contact these people and arrange to see a debt counsellor. Take every piece of paper you have about your debts, don't miss anything out. They will help you arrange what can and can't be paid and know what to do about it. If yo personally contact all the people you owe and offer a small sum those small sums can add up and leave you with less, whereas these people will help you work out what can be managed first, before going to the people you owe.

Ive been there VS dozens of times and never seem to get any help.
I can manage the debts now that i have actually faced up to them and started doing something about them its just going to take way more time than i thought it would.
Im doing a 3 year childcare course so either way ill have a better chance of getting a job at the end of it and who says i have to find the right career by the time im 21 anyway? I have plenty of time so maybe i can do more than one thing no?

If I'm honest...any and every argument I have ever really had with DH has been about money. Money plays a major part in our lives, unfortunately.

Have you actually written down what you owe - ie a detailed list? And written down what you have come in? I strongly suggest you do what VS has suggested and get some help/advice on your debts. I find even talking to DH about money/debts helps me clear my head - I'm guilty of shying away from it - not wanting to talk about it and walking away. Sometimes you need to get back to basics - find out what is making you feel so miserable - if you find the root cause (if it is money) you have got to help yourself sort it out - no-one is going to make that first step for you - you have got to do it yourself.

Talk to people. Go and get professional help. You may even find if you get some impartial advice you will be able to think a bit more clearly, sleep better, have an appetite etc...all this stress and worry about your debts is obviously affecting you majorly - it all goes hand in hand.

Have you been down the route of getting some help/advice from anyone in the business of helping those in debt yet?

Some people turn 50 with no idea what they want to do!

When I was at college I was the youngest bar one on my course, everyone else was at least 30 and changing direction in their careers.

I have about 4 jobs I want to do!!
I'm doing my English degree to be a teacher, trying (when I get any time) to write a book, and doing a doula course and the breastfeeding counsellor course next year.

I have many fingers, I can stick them all in different pies, as can you

i do have a detailed list and i have talked to debt people about it but would prefer to do it my way im not good with dealign with people outside of my world.
I will be able to sor it and its only onw of the things that play on my mind. the fact that im even on benefits plays more on my mind but its a catch 22 if i want a job i have to study and to study i need to be on benefits.

Take one day at a time WR. Live for the day. If you are able to cope with your debts at the moment why worry? Just so long as you're able to keep a roof over your heads, feed yourself and the kids etc why are you worrying so much?

Is it more to do with the fact you want a life of your own? Ie a life outside of being a Mum at home?

Wish i knew what i wanted to do VS! I knew in college but thats not practical anymore as as adult so now what?

i suppose that is a big thing whispy without meaning to sound like a total heartless bitch i never wanted children and i had them so young i kind of feel resentfull for not having my own life. But its something i have to deal with.

I know it seems like i dont have much to worry about and its easy for you to say just dont worry but its not easy to do.
If i couldnt just wake up and be happy with my life i truely would but i cant.

You worked previously didn't you?
And are planning on working again once you have studied?
Why should you care about being on benefits?
So many people have no qualms about being on them with no drive to ever get back to work.
Think of them as a loan, that you'll pay back in tax once you're working, we have a welfare state, we are lucky in that respect and should use it when we need to.

I was working right up until 3 months pregnant with ds2 and then i became a single mum and had to go on benefits and move in to council house.
i cant wait to work again.

I totally understand the not wanting kids thing.
I didn't plan DD and had never attended university. When DP talks of his uni days I wish so badly I'd been able to do it, have that experience, and be where I want to be now.
Thing is I can't change that, and I adore my children (the 2nd two were planned) so resentment is a pointless emotion to me.
Might sound weird but I look at emotions as things, things that are there for an ulterior reason.
Guilt, for example, why feel guilty about something? Can I change it? No, well then, it's pointless. Anger- Use it to turn around and change what you're angry about. Resentment- I can't find a point, it won't gain me anything so I refuse to feel it.
It took me a good long time to get to be this way but I believe it's the way to be and if I get all bogged down in useless emotion I just remind myself there is no point.
I keep in mind two quotes (well, one prayer)

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

and

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Keeps me in check when I get morose.

I gave up a very well paid full-time job ten years ago to have DD1. I loved my job - I'd been in it for 12yrs. I was on brilliant money and I loved the people I worked with.

I gave it up to become a Mum. Being a Mum has its ups and downs. I have not worked since apart from the odd part-time job here and there.

I am not on benefits because DH is in work. We manage on what he brings home. He works extremely hard and we are proud of what we have. Yes we are heavily in debt but until such time as I can get back into work we always will be - and even then I will never be able to earn what I earnt before kids.

I am not going to be free of children until later this year when DD2 starts school. Even then I can only work between the hours they are at school - not many weeks of the year when you add them all up.

I will never be able to go back to how my life was before I had the girls. I would love to turn the clock back, but I can't. It was my choice to have the children. I don't even have grandparents for them . You could say I am their sole carer with the hours DH works. Yes it is a lonely life at times. Yes it can be boring. Yes it is bloody hard work. But they need me and believe it or not I need them too.

As far as being on benefits? So what? You are such a deserving case for them. You need that money in order to live. Don't feel bad for claiming them. That's is why we have a benefits system - for people like you who have no choice in life.

You have a future. Work towards it. Now is the time to bring your children up - the kids you chose to have - create a stable happy environment for them at home. A childhood for a child is such a short time in their little lives. Make it a happy one for them. There will be many years ahead of you when you will be able to get back out there and do what you want to do. For the time being be the lovely Mum you know you can be and the lovely Mum they need. xxxx

NJM? You live near me?

even I knew she lived near you!LOL

There you go then WR...you have a RL friend nearby now! How great is that!!!! Me? I'll be your cyber friend...for as long as you want me to be........xxxxxxx

I know I've waffled on today. Amazing considering I feel so crap but I can still waffle! Take what I've written and digest or throw it away. I wrote from the heart. I know how you feel right now. I've felt the same and I've been a Mum for ten years. I too feel quite isolated at times. It's a tough job being a full-time Mum but someone has got to do it and it just so happens its you. xxxxxx

Got to go. My two delightful daughters are busy digging for worms in the garden, the dog is helping them dig holes and I really would like my bedding plants to see the end of Summer....bye for now! xxxxx

Njm i did mention i was shit with names!
i remember it was you now who directed me i would love for you to come round sometime! Its becasue u dont have a profile i remember people muchbetter once ive seen a picture!

Ha! You've had that then WR! Nice knowing you then cos you aint gonna get a piccie of me!

I remember you whispy coz ive spoken to you everyday so youve stuck in my mind

Lol i know im terrible arnt i?
Whenever is fine i dont go anywhere!