Diary Of A Druggie...........

[thewiltedrose]

Dont mind me im just writing this so i can keep track of my symptoms and how i feel.
Feel free to comment, take the piss or add your own experiance of being on AD's.

Sorry that sounded blunt and overwhelming.

I mean tell me whatever you feel like spouting cos I'm up.

Or nothing s'okay too

xposts

You sound like someone who is but but find it hard to just be.

In that...

You have expectations.

You should be a mother in a certain way right? You should be happy or satisifed or ok or safe? There are expectaitons. yes? There are expectations about how to live, feel, act. everything.

Sometimes It is okay to say fuck expectaitions what is importnat to you?

Really what matters to you?
Your children obv. How you wnat them to grow up with.....

what?

Firstly, You are actually a person. so you you have needs too, what do you wish for? for your self?

ok it is late you don't need to answer obviously, I'd like to check in on you though if that's ok?

Im ok slur thank you.
Im exausted and im fed up and im worried and im babbeling. how the fuck do you spell babbaling!?

I dont know anymore.
You dont have to worry about me ill just do the same thing i do every night, lie here until im to tired to open my eyes anymore and retend to be happy tomorrow.

I dont have expectations though.
Other people have expectations, i have...Things to do.

They need feeding i feed them.
They need cleaning i clean them.
They need entertaining i play with them.
They need protecting ill be there.
They need love? I dont know im never sure.
How could you be willing to die for your children but not feel anything for them more than you would your family.
And how can you feel for your family no more than a friend and so on, so on.
Cant remember the last time i ever really FELT, im not sure i ever have.
Dont know if im heartless or selfish or just wrong somewhere but i have NO strong feelings and i never remember having any.
Just kind of drift through doing what needs to be done.

Dammit I know this is not the place but this numbing of feelings is a bit linked to ads no?

I really think the key is psychology rather than drugs in the long term personally. AD's can be a life saver in terms of blunting those horrible edges. BUT still.

It is hard. They love you. You know you'd do anything for them but actully feeling. that's different. yes? Are you havig any counselling alongside medication?

Drudgery. mindless auto-pilot just living is not so fun.

It can be a step though. It can see you through until oyu can find strentgh to be happy. Which you will, one day.

arrgh really gotta go check am

Ive had a session of councelling once but just relayed my life as if it was nothing but a story. No hidden emotions, no surprise breakdowns, nothing im just not the shrink kind of person i guess.

I dont know for all i know my feelings could be perfecty normal and maybe i just thought it would be....More?
Maybye i feel exactly he way people should feel but its not enough for me maybe thats where my expectations all went.
At the birth i expected a big rush of love and never got it with either and am still waiting for it to this day.

Maybe it doesnt exist and im searching for something i cant have.

Good morning, I hope you slept a bit last night.

I'd suggest persisting with counselling, it is a bit of a myth that all psychology revolves around lying back on a couch talking about your parents.

A lot of it is just talking to someone face to face who might be able to help you and reassure you. It also depends a lot on what kind of counsellor you had. However, in the long run, feeling numb isn't usual for most people but it is something I think lots of people can relate to and I would suspect a lot have felt at some time in their lives.

Maybe go back to gp and get more sessions?

I think loving someone is a kind of creeping up on you sort of feeling, like a tide coming in, you don't always notice until suddenly you find your beach towel's all wet

Thats a nice way of thinking of it slur

I might consider it again if the tablets dont work but im going to hold off il i know for sure its going to help.
Maybe all it takes if for my brain to be balenced out again or maybe im just not that emotional type of person.

WR - how are you this morning? Did you get any sleep at all? xxxx

Hi whispy, Yup got 3 hours!

Hows your hayfever?

Really bad today. I've only just got up because my head is so bad. DH has gone to work - if he hadn't I could've stayed put but with two kids wanting breakkie I've have to get up.

How are you WR? How are your two lovely boys? I saw you were chatting to Slur last night - isn't she lovely?! She wrote a lot of sense.

You will be OK WR. You are going through a major down moment. You have your health. Your kids are healthy.

We've had some major crap moments with money and lack of it. I've always said to my DH....so f-ing what? We're healthy. Our kids are healthy and happy. What more do we want?

DD1 spent a spell in hospital just before Christmas last year. She got rushed in because she collapsed at home. Whilst in the Childrens Ward recovering I saw so many kids of all ages dripped up with their worried parents stood next to them. It was horrible. It made me realise how lucky I am to have kids that are ok.

Having healthy children is, imo, easily overlooked when we're feeling so low in ourselves. They need us no matter how we feel...like me this morning. I could do with going back to bed but I can't....they need me. Yes it is a full-time unpaid job looking after them, yes it can be boring, yes its hard work and at times very unrewarding but who else can do it? I often just sit and watch my two and think how lucky I am, what a bloody good job I've done and I take pride in the fact I've managed (yes ME!) to bring up two kids that I'm proud to say are mine.

Take care of yourself today. I will try and pop back later. It WILL get better, I promise you. xxxxx

Thanks for the words whispy i guess im just finding it hard to see the good right now but ill get there, You sound like a very nice woman and i et youve done a womderul job!

Sorry I don't mean to ramble...its just that I've been incredibly low myself at times, esp since my Dad died.

When I've had those down moments I've forgotten about the good things in life - those good things that we take for granted.

Money and lack of it is crap, I know. DH and I have got a mortgage, a lot of debts and we struggle to make ends meet every month. But nothing stops me enjoying being a Mum. Not even money. We're blessed to even have kids. There are some women out there who would dearly like to be parents, and can't. I was told before I had DD1 that I would never conceive (medical probs) so having her means a lot to me. Then to have our second was a real bonus especially considering I had a miscarriage in between the two.

I wish I could help you more but in a way, without sounding too blunt and please don't take this the wrong way, you've got to help yourself too. You've got to give yourself a kick up the arse and keep going for yourself but also for your kids. They can't do stuff for themselves, they're babies. They rely on you for everything. If you're down...they will pick up on it and you wouldn't want them to, would you? The photos of your kids are simply gorgeous.

I have found notes in DD1's room in the past, addressed to me saying 'Don't be sad Mummy because you make me sad too'. I have had cards drawn and left for me tucked under my pillow that she's done with 'I love you' written on them - normally done when I've had a tearful moment. She's had me be tearful for the last 3yrs. I don't want her to remember her days of being a child with a Mum who cries, gets upset, angry and miserable. Life is too short. xxxx

thewiltedrose - have you tried taking a piriton tablet at bedtime? I find I can get a better night's sleep when I take one about an hour before going to bed. I am on 20 mgs fluoxetine and they seem to mix fine and I think your 20 mgs citalopram is similar. You say you have hay fever though. Don't know what you are taking for that - you would have to check with chemist that you can mix anything you already take.

I agree with whispy, you do need to 'help yourself' but it's hard to get motivated when you're feeling crap.

It's also only too easy to put your head in the sand and ignore things that need to be dealt with, then it gets too late and you're fucked.
Hopefully the AD's will help you feel a bit better but you need to decide what you want to do and what you're going to do.

If you have a plan of action and a long-term goal, it will give you something to strive for.

So today, let's start anew.

Take a deep breath and think about what you want from life, what you need to do to get there and let's be positive.

Ooo your so positive VS

And so can you be.
Come on, what do you want to do, where do you want to be?

Get a plan and stick to it, if today is just a stepping stone for tomorrow then it's easier to deal with today being shit.

I dont have a clue what i want to be tnh just want to be happy and out of debt

What are you interested in, subject matter, that you'd happily work with every day?

Debtwise, is it managed debt or all-on-top of you debt?

Some managed some on top.
Im due to start college september.
Ds1 due to start nursary.
Not sure where it will get me not even sure its the course i want to do but its something i guess.