Everyday is torture

[Cattyxx]

I’m posting on here because it’s anonymous. I feel like I can’t give much more. Everyday for a long time has been a struggle & the hardest part is pretending that it’s not. I can’t believe how much I hate myself and how I feel like such a burden to everyone around me. I’m such a shit person to be around, I’m grumpy, moan, find fault in everything and struggle to see the good in anyone. I’m a mum and a partner but I feel like everyone would be so much better off without me. I make everyone miserable. I’ve battled so long just trying to find happiness in things and to everyone else I look ungrateful and such a moan - I know better than anyone that I have got SO much to be grateful for but every single ounce of happiness in me is gone. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m lost. I’m 32 and I should be so much happier for the life I have but it’s becoming a weekly thing now where I think about how much better everyone would be with me. I hate myself, I hate my job, I hate feeling so fucking down and angry every single day! I just have no idea how to pull myself out of this!!!

Do you have any conditions diagnosed? Are you under the GP for MH?
what help are you currently getting?

@MrBiscuits24 nothing. I haven’t been to a doctor I think because mostly I’m ashamed. Noone would know how shit I feel inside because I’ve worked so hard to hide it and try to power on.

it sounds like you are your own worst enemy. When did you start to feel like this? Do you have any childhood trauma?

You really will need to seek help if you want to feel better.

@MrBiscuits24 a lot of childhood trauma yes. I’ve seen a therapist in the past and to begin with they were great but eventually I left feeling worse than when I went in so I didn’t return. I’m scared to take antidepressants to be honest and I know this will be the first thing a dr will suggest

There is help out there @Cattyxx
its so common how you feel, you don’t need to go through this without any help

and absolutely no one needs to know if you did get medical help ; this is only for you to know, absolutely no one else

@MrBiscuits24 been feeling like this for probably the last at least 3 years

To be very frank I have childhood trauma and I would never ever go to a therapist

the traditional ones look deep in the past and no way I’d let them do that

if you do decide to continue with therapy perhaps look into solution focused therapy (it looks into solution, not in the past)

antidepressants are good option as they give you the happy neurotransmitter, you focus on the future don’t dwell on the past (but you might have to try a couple before finding the best)

hope there is nothing around you that triggers your trauma

I was scared to take the antidepressants the dr prescribed for me. Terrified. I kept them in my drawer for two months. One morning I thought fuck it, I can’t go on like this. It took about 6 weeks but once they kicked in I felt reborn x

A friend had a horrific shock a couple of days ago and rang me for support. Unfortunately she then asked how I was and I slightly told her.

She tried to persuade me to contact my GP. Then texted me later and said she'd phone me in a week to see if I had.

This morning I waded through the online triage thing. I've got a physical problem that's bothering me but I felt I had to be truthful about my state of mind. The form took ages and then it wanted my NHS number. 🙄.

I saw the doctor this afternoon. She was kind. She's organised blood tests and an x ray. I said 'no thank you' to discussing depression meds with a psychiatrist.

I'm really sorry you're having such a crap time. I guess I'm also saying you're not alone. Even if it's crap and pointless give your GP the chance to be kind.

I listen to the brilliant Cathy Rentzenbrink on audiobook 'How to feel Better'. She knows about feeling crap and what to do that might help you, even in a tiny way, to feel better.

I’m sorry you feel this way. I can guarantee you are loved OP. Go to the G.P tell them how you feel or show them this post.

You need to talk to a doctor or mental health nurse and get some help, you aren’t a burden!
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, you won’t feel better straight away but with the right help you definitely will. You’ll be surprised how many people feel similar to you also.

@Cattery how did you feel in the first 6 weeks? Did you have any side effects?

I’m really sorry you feel this way, it’s heartbreaking to read.
Everything you’ve wrote sounds like my mum who recently took her own life ☹️
It doesn’t have to be that way.
You don’t need to feel ashamed to reach out for help. It’s really brave of you to write your feelings down here.

Please look into getting some help. It’s absolutely ok to need some support. Life is hard and it will be extra tough for you feeling this way every day.
There’s all kinds of help you can get out there and I’m sure antidepressant’s will be the first thing the doctor suggests but if there’s a chance it’ll help it’s worth a try. You can’t give up, there’s always hope.

You say you’re a mum, how old is your child(ren)?

I felt a bit jittery but once you come out the other side it’s so much better x

I felt like this and battled on telling no one, not my husband, son or close friends. I eventually locked myself in an empty office at work and phoned my husband.
Both he and my son were cross at me for not telling them and even crosser with themselves for not noticing. I’d done so well at hiding it . I gave in and saw my gp, which I probably should have done at least a couple of months earlier. I was diagnosed with severe depression and prescribed antidepressants. It took a while to feel better but I did get better . I also had counselling too and I was surprised what came up in that. But I’m a few years past that period now and yes I do have bad days but not that complete empty blackness anymore.

I’m so sorry to hear that! I hope you’re okay ❤️ sorry you had to come across this post after what you’ve gone through.

my little one is 2.5yrs. Just typing her age breaks my heart because I never want to leave her but feel like I’ve failed her so much just by not being a happier person, a happier mummy. That’s not what any child deserves. At any age.

i want to feel better I do. I don’t think there’s a single soul out there who would choose to feel like this but there (for me) are so many obstacles and the pressure of feeling like I’m letting everyone else down even more! Right now I’m suffering so bad but it feels better than letting those you love down by putting this on them. Jesus it’s so tough!!!!

Hi OP, I put off getting antidepressants for years. I was so scared of the side effects but it’s been fine. I had one night where I couldn’t sleep and then I felt a bit less anxious but more sad. I’m 4 weeks in and I am so so so glad I have them. I have so much I need to work through but my life is a mess and objectively very stressful at the moment and the pills are helping me cope. Please give it a go. Honestly, I was so scared to try them so I do understand but it was worth it for me.

Please don’t be sorry.
I just want to give you my perspective as being the person to lose their mum to something like this.
I absolutely promise you you haven’t failed your daughter. You aren’t letting anyone down and it’s not putting this on them. You’ll be surprised how much support you have if you share this with your loved ones.
Life had been unfair on my mum from the offset (6 months old), she dealt with so much and her depression affected all of us as a family but I never ever wanted this outcome. I would’ve took my mum at her worst everyday than this outcome.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is get support and help. You have to try everything x

The reason I asked your daughter’s age is because you said you’ve felt this way for at least the last 3 years. I wondered if it could be post natal depression in part? Not dismissing any of your feelings, but could pregnancy have been a trigger?

Ask for help. Go on antidepressants. They'll help you feel positive enough to tackle your problems. Please don't suffer unnecessarily x.

That’s awful and sounds like she’s suffered for what probably felt like an eternity!! 💔 and I’m sad that what your mum was going through affected everyone because she just couldn’t get out this hole! I’m so sorry for you and your family. I’ve no doubt that your mum fought her hardest fight! 💕

I know I’m someone who’s been so affected by my childhood trauma, but for a long time (I guess because I was younger too) I didn’t think about it too much. As I’ve grown up I’m hugely affected not only by my childhood trauma but how it’s shaped and built me as a person. I’m not sure I can even really love or be truly happy. I can demonstrate and do the necessary to look like I am but I don’t think I’ve ever really truly felt it. I think this is because it was stripped from me or so I believe anyway. This mixed with the constant hatred towards myself, my constant anxiety/fear/annoyance of being a burden to everyone. Everyday wishing/praying I was normal and just to finally be happy is the hardest battle. I can’t explain! My baby is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Ever. But her hard days add on to my never ending self criticism and loathing. Can you suffer PND when they’re no longer babies?

To be honest I have no idea but after googling “can you have postnatal depression after 3 years” it says you can! NHS website also says “postnatal depression can persist for months if left untreated and in a minority of cases it can become a long-term problem”.

My mum did fight for a long time and I’m absolutely gutted it got the point she felt this was her only option, because to all of us who loved her it wasn’t.

The more you write, the more you remind me of my mum. Your struggles must be very similar.
She had a tough upbringing which of course affected the rest of her life but she never wanted to talk about it, always said the past is the past and you can’t change it and I used to say but you can change how it affects you now.
She tried a lot of different therapies but never wanted to do talking therapy. Obviously I’ll never know but I think her finding someone she was comfortable to talk to would’ve helped her.

Of course everyone’s different and that may not work for you but I just want to give you advice from my own experience with this.

But the fact you still get up and carry on everyday is a big thing, and maybe like other posters have said antidepressants will help you feel more positive to tackle these obstacles in your life

Sorry I’m just re-reading your posts and saw that you’ve seen a therapist before.

Please do give something else a try. You can’t give up without trying everything else possible first ❤️

Hi OP, I too have been in a similar situation to yourself recently and also have a young child. Please consider reaching out to someone to talk about how you are feeling, perhaps a GP, your partner, or friend. You could speak to someone at the Samaritans or Mind, I have done this before and found that having someone to listen was helpful.
I know that it can feel overwhelming and all consuming, but there are people that will listen to you and will be able to help. I promise it will get better, even though it doesn’t feel like it right in this moment.
Please remember you are loved and take care of yourself x

Hi @Cattyxx,

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health webguide. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected], if you event need more support.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Wish you the very best,
MNHQ

Hi OP, so sorry you’re feeling this way. Please do give antidepressants a try.

I suffered from terrible anxiety a few years ago that made me despise the parent and person I had become constantly short tempered, snappy and shouty at my kids. I was so reluctant to go on medication but wow, it literally overhauled my life and made me a completely different person in just 2 weeks. Improved life immeasurably for both my kids and me.