Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

Are you on a mood stabilizer? You should be all the time if you have a diagnosis of bipolar. 2 years can feel like forever when you're ill but it can take a while to find a good mood stabilizer that suits you. Work with your consultant and keep going back, trying different things until you find what suits you. The point of a mood stabilizer is to prevent episodes or reduce their frequency. (I have bipolar and have had a diagnosis for 25 years.)

I am trying to do behavioural activation. Basically it means doing stuff even though you don’t want to. I’ve not been too bad last few weeks but as me moving out marital home is coming closer I am getting v anxious and have really bad stomach pains and stuff.
today i did some knitting then went to check on my friends puppy for half an hour then went on my own to a pottery painting place and painted a bowl for my new kitten to drink his water out of. Prob won’t do much else now but should prob go for a walk to get some exercise. I’m forcing myself to eat also despite the pains and lack of appetite x

That sounds a really solid plan. I’m sorry it’s been so very tough. Do you have a date for the move yet?

I turned to AI today and what they suggested sounds a lot like behavioural activation. I am a bit bed bound which is a habit I’ve got into which I now realise is actually making me feel worse. Today I sat up in bed and then went to do some washing up…small successes in incremental moves.

I think my med is an anti psychotic not a mood stabiliser (Aripiprazole). Will discuss mood stabilisers when the appointment comes (soon please!). I just never expected to become unwell again, thought I’d nailed wellness ha ha!

I also phoned the Samaritans and the guy was fab, just asked me questions about how I feel and what I’d eaten for lunch. It felt good to have a bit of a cry as I’ve felt too depressed to do that and off load to a stranger.

Thanks for being here for me it is much appreciated.

I have my husband getting me out of bed, and then my mum comes to pick me up and get me out of the house for the day. I'm still berating myself for packing my job in, even though I know that going back wasn't realistic with two unsupportive line managers above me and a doubled workload. I hate myself for quitting. I think I was taught you must always battle through things as a child and it's a value I'm stuck with. And that the only thing in life of value is employment. I guess I'm stuck in black and white thinking mode at the minute. Combined with ruminating and what-ifs. Everything CBT tries to teach you not to do. I'm shit at applying CBT when I'm ill. Does anybody else find they have similar difficulties? I remember a psychiatrist telling me once that CBT was for mild to moderate depression only, and was not appropriate in severe cases. I wonder if that's true.

No date as yet but all the paperwork is done, contracts signed etc and I have the money in my account from my share of equity. Basically it depends now on how long the solicitors take to decide if they are satisfied everything is in order, then we can plan exchange and completion. If I’m lucky I could possibly exchange this week and complete next Friday, that’s what I’d like to happen, but if solicitors have to raise more enquires and wait for responses it’ll be held up. It’s quite frustrating as I’ve been living with ex for 10 weeks since we split and it’s not doing me any bloody good (he is ok but it’s a head fuck being in a home that isn’t really my home with a partner who isn’t my partner). X

@RamblingawayI am quite good at CBT when I’m not poorly - all goes to the wall otherwise. When I’m well I use mindfulness to manage my anxiety but it feels impossible at the moment while I’m in a deep depression.

I also agree Childhood values really stick, particularly if they are negative. I was taught that depression is for the weak and that haunts me in a special way when I’m down as it suggests I should be able to choose not to be depressed. My parents are a strong contributing factor in my bipolar and I wish I could just erase them and their ‘advice’ from my mind completely. I have however erased them from my life which is the next best thing.

Went for job interview but didn't get it. Applied for another one. Going to leave the applications tomorrow and try to rest. But if I have an afternoon nap then panic sets right back in, just as bad as it was in the morning. It's all a bit crap. It only wears off at 8pm at night. Honestly, I think my bloodstream must be 90% adrenaline at times.

I’m impressed you did the interview when you are having such a crappy time. Sorry you didn’t get the job though but well done at doing the interview!
I can relate to the adrenaline, I’m stressed to fuck at the minute with life - been toing and froing trying to complete on new house and orchestrate electricians and carpet fitters etc etc and knowing will all go to crap if the completion gets delayed. Then I had work ring to ask me to go in for a catch up meeting - so I naturally catastrophised this into me being sacked and having the house that I don’t even live in yet repossessed 😖
im trying to think of what could help your panic but it’s tricky isn’t it? I think having two things on the go at same time helps a little. For example trashy tv and knitting Walk with music on or a podcast. I recommend ‘true crime brewery’ they are really good to listen to and it’s quite relaxing. I also think being out the house is better for me. Do you drive? Can you drive at the mo? I put loud music on and drive around for a bit sometimes as the concentration required kind of shifts my attention. Hang on in there you are not alone mate xxx

I’m looking forward to my new man moving in with me - he’s a Maine coon so he will be massive I’m calling him ‘sunny’

I do drive, but as I'm on a small top up of quetiapine in the morning I'm being a bit cautious about getting behind the wheel. I'm doing a bit of crochet, walking with my mum and filling in a job application or two a week as having an iron in the fire gives me hope. But I'm only going for part time local stuff at the mo as I suspect anything more would knacker me after recent events.

Ah yes I can see the reluctance to drive with the morning quetiapine. Sounds like you are doing some positive stuff -I really hope you are on the road to recovery and good luck on the job front x

Just wanted to say thanks for creating this thread and being and to all those responding. My only friend with bipolar passed away a couple of years ago and I've been quite isolated since.

What's the purpose of the morning quetiapine?

I was on twice daily dose of quetiapine for a while. I used to drive and then take it once I got to work or where ever I was going. I had about half an hour 15 minutes after taking it where it knocked me sideways. If I didn't keep myself occupied I would fall asleep and be groggy for about 3h, if I could power through that half hour I could then function without deficits.

I was then moved to the extended release version so I take it all at night

Whereabouts in the country are you? I am
off work sick at the moment and spending quite a lot of time on my own and I find that difficult 🙁
I need to work towards going back soon but my last return to work was such a spectacular failure it’s making me dead worried about things going to shit again x

@MarmadukeM sorry to hear about going back to work being so tricky, I think you're very brave for trying and I hope you have a supportive line manager.

Thanks xx I think last time I went back when I really was still very unwell. I’m at least I’m sleeping ok and stuff which I wasn’t last time I went back - I was going to work on 1 or 2 hours of sleep so no wonder I went round the bend!
been talking to my friend who is an accountant and manages a team and she gave me some advice about looking at what I could ask for as reasonable adjustments to hopefully make my job less stressful so I’m going to write a few bits down and take them with me to the meeting just to start a conversation. My work are supportive but there’s been a change of management and they are a bit more mercenary which hasn’t helped my worrying about what’s going to happen…😖

@MarmadukeMcould you ask AI about reasonable adjustments for examples? I used it recently and it was very helpful.

Sunny is too cute, he’ll make a fantastic companion!

How is everyone? I have an assessment appointment on the 12th August so should be able to get a psychiatrist appointment sometime after that. Feels a long time to wait but it’s not a surprise. Hoping to have my meds changed up so I can get out of this depression.

On the upside I’m far North and we have some sun so trying to enjoy it while it lasts!

Hey. How are you today? All the best while you wait for your appointment. I’ve got one on 4 August with a private Pyschiatrist. I’m dreading it but I do feel I need to find someone who is willing to actually help.
when you say far North do you mean Scotland? I’m in the far north of England - practically as far north as you can get in England before you’re then in Scotland!

Hey @TopsyTurvyDaysI am in Northumberland (currently sitting on the beach which is practically unheard of given our usual weather!).

Hope your appointment comes round fast. Waiting with MH issues sucks doesn’t it? Hopefully our meds will get changes up and make us feel better.

i have made myself come out for some sun and feel ok - better than lying in bed for the day anyway.

I live near Newcastle so I’m north too.

I’m in Cumbria near the penines.

I feel like a southerner... I'm on the edge of the peak District

I had to google where that is lol.
how are you getting on?