TW suicide. I need to stop feeling like this.

[Lilianadaisy999]

I can't stop thinking about this being my next step. I know how I'd do it and have written notes to those I care about the most.

A part of me feels relief that I've a choice. Another part of me feels devastated about the hurt I'll cause those who care. My mind is constantly cycling around this. I can't get it to stop. I'm so exhausted.

I'm already on medication, so I'm not sure there's anything a professional can do to help. I've had therapy, too. I'm still broken.

I am struggling to see other options.

@JamVal1013 thanks for your comment. I'm sorry to hear you're off sick. I hope you're heading in the right direction and feeling a little better.

I agree that a medication review is a good idea. I'll have to work my way up to that after the poor experience I had last time I saw a GP.

I'm not the best at doing things for myself. I let work and the kids take over. Although, today has been the best day I've had in ages, at least this year. I spent a few hours shopping and had lunch with my teen daughter. She's such good company. I didn't even buy anything, but it was so nice to really connect with her. She's quieter than her siblings who tend to take up more of my time. I've felt done genuine happiness today and I love it!!

I think this week will be a mixed bag. I'm starting therapy and I'm expecting it'll make me feel a little worse initially. I think I'll handle that. Nothing can feel as bad as I felt just a couple of weeks ago.

OP could you write down how you feel (like you have done here) and give it to the GP or even show the Gp this post?

Hi OP, I have so much sympathy for what you're going through.

I've been listening to Cathy Rentzenbrink's audiobook 'How to Feel Better' she talks about her experience with depression and, for me, it's like a kind, understanding, friend chatting to me (in the middle of the night when I can't sleep for instance).

Well done for sticking around 🌷

That sounds so positive @Lilianadaisy999💐 Hoping you have a good day today.

Thanks for mentioning that. I'm going to download it now.

Hi all. I thought I'd update my post to let you know how I'm doing.

I'm no longer suicidal. I'm still depressed, but I'm working on that.

I'm finally dealing with the reason for my poor MH. It's like a big dirty secret that I've been carrying, but I'm finally getting the right help.

I can't confide in anyone in my life as it's complicated and I don't like a fuss. Anyway this is it and it's the first time other than in counselling that I've said it....I was raped. I'm safe now, but trying to deal with it alone was almost killing me.

I've been speaking with rape crisis and they've been a brilliant help. I feel so much lighter not carrying this alone.

@Lilianadaisy999 Thank you so much for updating.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Well done for seeking help. I can only imagine how hard it must be.

It's been horrendous, I knew what'd happened but kept trying to bury it. It was eating me alive.

It feels a lot lighter now it's not just my secret. I've a long way to go, but I'm pleased with my progress.

Hi do you think the medication could be affecting your sleep? As I know some can. Please go through with the calls to get you further, like someone else said, when thoughts come push them away as much as you can, know that just like you didn’t feel this way or not in the same way a couple of weeks ago, it can pass.

I once phoned the Samaritans. Maybe it was bad luck but I spoke to a total moron who sounded like they had the TV on in the background and wasn't listening to anything I was saying. Weirdly enough, the fire I felt at this person being so horrendous on a phonecall that very realistically could have been my last call for help, made my register a complaint and that's what actually made me get through the darkest day of my life.

I'd done the notes. Planned it all out. And I look back now and wish I could have told her that she would get through this, and she would feel something, not feel numb, feel like life was worth looking again one day.

About 4 weeks later, a man I knew took his own life. He was a big character, from a big, wealthy family. He'd on off struggled with alcohol but that was the worst anyone knew. Then one night, gone. We weren't close, but I cried for days. Maybe too close to home for me to see, so soon. The streets were lined in his memory. The family was devastated. The mother has had a mental breakdown. They've lost their empire. They are broken.

That's what it does OP. Even people you have long forgotten will be devastated that you didn't reach out. Families are destroyed. No matter what, you are feeling, you are loved more than you will ever know. That's what broke me about the man. If only he knew just how many people he mattered too, when he could only see the world was better without him. If he could only have seen the hoards at his funeral, maybe he'd have realised his value.

You matter OP. You really have no idea how many people you matter too.

I've just seen your update.

Love to you. You've got this.

@Lilianadaisy999thanks for your update. I’m so sorry that happened to you. And also I’m so, so angry on your behalf. Make violence is endemic and it isn’t acceptable.

I'm sorry you had to carry that alone 💐 I’m really glad you’ve found some relief. As Gisele Pelicot said ‘shame must change sides’. I hope that you can begin healing now and have more and more good days.

@Lilianadaisy999 You are an incredible human. I’ve never said this to a stranger but I’m so proud of you and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with something so traumatic and isolating. Sending positive vibes and healing for the future OP.

@B3aronthechair @TreesToday thank you both so much for your kind words. They mean so much, they really do.

It's really helped me by speaking on here and confiding in my counsellor and rape crisis. The weight it's lifted is immense.

I've been through so many emotions recently. I'm at anger now, which makes a nice change from all the crying.

Onwards and upwards hopefully.

I have felt like this for most of my life.

I have accepted suicidal thoughts will always be with me and in a way it comforts me.

I read a quote somewhere that once you have opened the suicide Pandora’s box it never really ever shuts again. I see my suicide choice as a rational way to end my life on my terms. My life will end, this is inevitable and I don’t understand why I should suffer if I don’t want to. Nobody else in my life sees it like this though. When I have bad days I get out in nature and watch whatever animal I can going about their business existing and surviving and this gives me an appreciation of life just life in its simplest form.

When you have children it is not just about your survival anymore. My DC was not planned. A surprise. Ironically my DC was born prematurely and from the minute they were born they fought for their life. Thankfully, DC an adult now, thriving and loving life.

Therapy helps. But for me I just accept I have these feelings and they will always be with me and that’s okay with me. It’s just part of who I am now.

I am an advocate for Euthanasia and now my DC is midway through a medical degree they now understand and respect this is my choice even if it is not their preference.

@Lilianadaisy999 well done for seeking help. You are showing true bravery. Xx

Hi @HopscotchBanana ,
I had tears in my eyes reading your post because you brought back so many emotions. I’m so glad you are ok now .
I too had a bad experience when I called the Samaritans and if I was ever desperate again I wouldn’t ever call them . However I did have an amazing mental health team .
Reading the part where the person you knew who had taken his own life broke my heart and felt so close to home .
I have struggled with my mental health for a few years , mostly because of my abusive ex partner but last year was the very worst I’ve ever felt and I nearly ended it several times . I too planned it.
I remember being in a hotel room due to being homeless and I was paralysed down my right side at the time and I remember looking out of the hotel room window at the cars and bridge below wishing I could walk to it because I was so desperate not to be here anymore .
I wish I could hold that woman’s hand , mine , and tell her it will get better . Nothing or nobody is worth you ending your life over .
Compared to last year I feel a completely different person , I now have a home and I am in remission from cancer and no longer paralysed and I no longer think about suicide . Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days , this week has been horrendous because ex is trying to break me constantly but I no longer berate myself and I’m kinder to myself and I’ve realised how strong I actually am . I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror last year , I can now .
I look back now and think what it would have done to my children if I had gone ahead with it and it makes my heart hurt .
Feeling like you don’t want to be here anymore is the worst feeling in the world and I’m so glad that you and OP no longer feel like that .
It does get better , your so right xx

So glad you're feeling stronger op. Embrace the anger. Take care.

Hi @Lilianadaisy999how are you doing? Sending healing wishes on the Internet. I hope you’re not feeling too overwhelmed at the moment 💐

Hiya. I'm honestly feeling better than I can recall feeling in a long while.

Had a couple of days away recently and the change of scenery did me the world of good. It really helped calm down my nervous system, which has been on high alert for such a long time. My mind feels quieter, too.

Thanks for checking in!

That is so great - wishing you peace and tranquillity.