TW suicide. I need to stop feeling like this.

[Lilianadaisy999]

I can't stop thinking about this being my next step. I know how I'd do it and have written notes to those I care about the most.

A part of me feels relief that I've a choice. Another part of me feels devastated about the hurt I'll cause those who care. My mind is constantly cycling around this. I can't get it to stop. I'm so exhausted.

I'm already on medication, so I'm not sure there's anything a professional can do to help. I've had therapy, too. I'm still broken.

I am struggling to see other options.

Have you had Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, OP? My DH had it when suicidal and it helped him so much. There are workbooks online if you don’t feel you can see a professional. He taught me a few elements and it is so helpful for distress tolerance.

I’m also an insomniac and have some tips for sleeping. Getting physically tired if you’re able (walking in nature). Using a guided meditation if you wake in the night (I use a free loving kindness one off YouTube). Having some soothing things to do if you wake up, like adult colouring. It’s not the best thing, but sometimes I come on Mn at 3am and there’s always someone here ☺️.

If it feels like too much to get through a whole life, then just try one afternoon, one evening, one night at a time. Wishing you well 💐

Sleep is key. Can you call the crisis team?

I do have the number, but I've managed to get a GP appointment for this afternoon.

Keep asking for help. you need help to sleep. You need help with your suicidal thoughts. They need to know you’ve made a plan.

I would call the crisis team too if you feel able. My GPs are really lovely but they’re not the mental health experts. If you manage to tell them how ill you’re actually feeling, the next step would be to pass you into CMHT care.

I always felt I was overcomplaining for decades but actually I was chronically undercomplaining. Spiralling into an episode of hypomania in my 50s - which was exacerbated in A & E because I had a reaction to diazepam where it made me agitated and unbearably anxious - was a difficult experience but ultimately helpful as I finally got the help I actually needed.

You need help. Well done for reaching out to GP.

I understand how exhausting and scary it is, I hear you. I'm sorry you're feeling this way

Much love to you @Lilianadaisy999. I only saw your thread this morning so when you posted your follow-up I wept.

Oh, if you can only live for them right now, then that is enough. If you only have a tiny bit of energy left and you put it into that, it is enough. One day, you will wake and you see that you can live for yourself. That you are Important and the world needs you in it. I promise. I have been in the same dark room. Many times and I found the door. And you will. You are loved. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I hear your hurt in your voice and it will pass. This I know to be true.

@Lilianadaisy999 did you manage see the GP?

I have felt similar to you. I spoke to someone one day who helped me to understand that I didn't actually want to end my life, I just didn't want to carry on living like this and I couldn't see that there were other options.

There are other options. You can feel better.

So glad you’ve got this OP. Can you update us as to how things are now - what the GP advised ? Were here if you need support - lean on us.x

It didn't go great. I panicked and minimised everything. I worried about what the GP might think of my ability to parent. He rushed me so much, I couldn't deal with him. I'm naturally reserved and was well out of my comfort zone.

I decided there and then to try something else. I have access to therapy via my employer. I've already called and I'm able to have some sessions.

I still feel dead inside. I'd worked myself up for the GP appointment and was really angry with myself afterwards for not advocating for myself better.

There's a little more light today. Talking on here has helped. So has hearing about others experiences. Thank you for checking in on me.

So glad you checked back in OP. You’re not alone in clamming up with your GP but if they had any inkling of the problem they should have offered support - they won’t judge you at all, so don’t worry about that. Glad you’ve sorted some therapy - again, just tell it like it is. You won’t be judged. Sometimes just talking things through helps - gives you a better perspective on things and l hope this is the case for you. There’s always hope OP - never forget that. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug and a hand hold.

Hi OP,
Well done on contacting your doctor even though it didn’t go great , the fact you’ve taken that first step is amazing .
I do found it really hard to open up to the doctor especially since I saw a different one every time but what really helped me was contacting the crisis team . They came to visit me at my property and it was the same people and they are experts in mental health.
Do you think you could contact your crisis team? Honestly they won’t judge or take your children away from you they will just listen and offer advice and support .
I didn’t get better overnight , it took time but you will get there I promise xx

Thank you. I was nervous to come back to update you all, because I know I didn't make the most of the opportunity.

Something else happened that's made me really reconsider my plans. One of my children had a dance show today. I dragged myself there, really didn't feel up to it. As soon as she saw me she burst into tears. She explained later that she was just so happy to see me there. I'm crying typing this, but how can I even consider hurting her so much. My thoughts have been so selfish.

That's going to be my next step, I'll see how the sessions I've planned go. Or, if things get to a crisis point again, I'm definitely going to call.

Thanks for responding. I'm so pleased they helped you.

You’ve done amazingly 💐 I don’t think it’s selfish to be struggling, @Lilianadaisy999. It’s wonderful that you were there for your daughter, and she loves you so much.

There’s always a reason not to cause others so must devastation and upset, but you need to remember you matter too, you are human. The world would not be a better place without you in it.
Please contact the crisis team, GP, out of hours, whatever plan is in place.
I would more than happy to sit and chat with you or even listen, you can send me pm for my number.

You matter OP and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter what.

Sending love and hugs to you 💜💐

I know it’s hard to not think negative thoughts when you struggle with your mental health but that’s all they are , thoughts , not actions . You should be so proud of yourself today not only for going to the doctors but for going to watch your daughter at her dance show .
Your thoughts are not selfish , when we feel in despair we can’t think straight .
Honestly OP if you had seen me 12 months ago compared to now you would have been shocked . I felt broken , evil, sad, numb . I couldn’t even get dressed or have a shower or even brush my teeth . Everything seemed like such a chore . So the fact you’ve done 2 amazing things today is absolutely HUGE! So so proud of you xx

It's so, so kind of you to offer that, especially as I'm far from good company currently.

It's just me and my youngest home tonight. I'm going to try to make up for some of the sadness I'm sure she's picked up on and hug her loads. The guilt is strong tonight.

My friend was sectioned last summer. She’d lost the plot in peri menopause & was struggling with negative self talk. I tried to get her to organise some HRT/counsellng & supported her as best I could but it was too late. She took an overdose and died on the way to hospital. The last thing she said was “I don’t want to die” and then had a heart attack. She’s gone forever now. Forever!

Start with getting some good sleep and exercise. When I’m tired I feel so low. Look after your body and your mind will hopefully start to follow. Keep a gratitude journal and slow down and notice the small things, the way the sunlight falls in a room, the inside of a flower. Imagine it’s the last time you’ll see these things and make a recording in your mind. Love and light to you as you make your way to happier days .x 🤍 🌱

Have you read Veronika Decides to Die? It’s good. You should read it.xx

You have NOTHING to be guilty for. You’re struggling and need support.

I'm so sorry about your friend.

I'm scared of making the wrong choice on impulse. I've promised myself to not do anything until I've really tried to get better. I'm going to do something today to keep myself safer: Move the medication I plan to use. I need it to be harder to get so I have to think first.

I love to read. I'll look that book up. Thank you.

Of course, sometimes it’s nice to know even strangers care 💜💐

Your kiddo may notice her mum is sad, kids don’t miss a trick. She will just want to cheer her mum up (a good excuse for those extra hugs)

As others have said, you have nothing to feel guilty for, you’re a human being, you’re allowed to have bad days too 💜💜

Or even grandchildren. This happened in our family last year. 60 years apart and every single bit just as devastating.

@Lilianadaisy999 you have done amazingly to get out to the dance show. When I was at my worst I don't think I left the house at all for about 3/4 weeks.

Definitely prioritise sleep, struggling with a poorly brain is exhausting.
Sending hugs to you. Xx

Please 🙏 please , don't do this, ..
I've lost loved ones to suicide and wish so so much i could have done more to help them , it's truly heart breaking ..

I know & understand you feel like there is no way out with how you feel,, i have felt the same , but it's not the end ...

You can feel happy again , a d this would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem ( I know it feels worse than that lovely) but please know you have value , their are people that love you and you can be strong , even if it's doesn't feel like it now , things can get better ,, you are never alone,, there is always people you can talk to , and you are loved more than you know...

Please 🙏 don't do anything to harm yourself, thing can & will get better ..
Stay strong lovely please xx it's a positive you have reached out .., things can get better ..
Please 🙏 remember that
Much love to you xxx

OP please try and badger the GP, medical professionals about help. This is a chemical unbalance somewhere and something will help, you just haven’t found the right treatment yet. Please don’t give up x