TW suicide. I need to stop feeling like this.

[Lilianadaisy999]

I can't stop thinking about this being my next step. I know how I'd do it and have written notes to those I care about the most.

A part of me feels relief that I've a choice. Another part of me feels devastated about the hurt I'll cause those who care. My mind is constantly cycling around this. I can't get it to stop. I'm so exhausted.

I'm already on medication, so I'm not sure there's anything a professional can do to help. I've had therapy, too. I'm still broken.

I am struggling to see other options.

Hi. Firstly do you have any specific plans? If so please talk to someone in real life. Secondly this isn't a black and white choice although I appreciate it may feel that way. Thirdly you have value. I lost someone to suicide and I wish he had known how loved he was and how much we all thought of him, and I wish he had told me how much pain he was in. There's always an option. Please talk to someone or phone 999.

I do have a plan, yes. It's not imminent. There are a few things I need to organise first.

I'm scared I'll make the wrong choice. I don't want to make those I leave behind angry with me or to think I'm selfish. Also, I can't continue feeling like this. I have depression and I'm sick of fighting it. It always comes back. It's utterly exhausting.

A lovely young woman we were close to felt she had to take her own life.
The resultant horror, chaos and overwhelming sadness blew her family apart. They will never recover.
Perhaps you may not fully realise what this would do to your family and friends but please believe me when I say it will be the worst thing that could ever happen to them.
I wish you peace and healing for the future.

There have been some studies done on survivors of suicide attempts ( jumping from bridges) and they all consistently stated that they regretted the decision as they were falling. I can’t really imagine what that must be like and I can’t imagine how bad you must be feeling to contemplate that. The fact that you’re currently on medication now doesn’t mean there is nothing a medical professional can do to help - there may be changes that can be made to doses or a different drug combination that might be more effective. Perhaps it would be useful to talk through it with someone and tell them how you’re feeling.

Please speak to someone. Having spoken to a few people who attempted suicide to try and understand after I lost my person they said it felt like a black and white choice. That there were only two options. They only realised after the event and recieving help that there's not. Who can you reach out to?

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

I lost my ds to suicide last year and I am so fucking angry. It has devastated our family....a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please seek help.

I've been close, OP. But I couldn't go through with it, because of the hurt it would have left others holding. I had come across research saying that children of suicide are far more likely to take their own lives. It becomes an option for them.

Please do phone the Samaritan's and tell someone what you have told us here. Saying it out loud can make a difference. You may feel as if it's only words and they can't change anything, but they can't make you feel worse, can they? And you might just connect with someone who helps you to carry the load for a while . . . They won't judge. And they are there 24/7

i’ve seen those flow neuro science headsets on marketplace… maybe research them and see would they do something for you? Have you looked into peer support groups in your area? What about Hill Walking? I understand your motivation might be low, but you have to distract yourself. seeing as you’re writing on here you know your thoughts are leading you with astray. Remember they are just thoughts like waves coming and going and you don’t have to listen to them. Please go back to Gp and seek more help.

I've lost 2 family members to suicide and know how much hurt it causes to those you leave. I've also felt suicidal and was at the planning stage. But things can and do change. I am grateful that I didn't act on my impulses. There is hope. Please look for alternative help. People heal in different ways. Dr Jess Taylor the trauma psychologist wrote about the myth of healing being either tablets or therapy. There is something out there that can work for you.

Please please confide in a medical professional. There is so so much they can do.

This is guiltv tripping, whether or not you meant it to be. And it will possibly have the opposite effect you desire.

Hill walking! 😂😂😂

@Lilianadaisy999 when you think you're close, please give it an hour and then another and then another. The bleakness is blinding but not total. How long have you felt this is the next step and do you know what triggered this step closer?

I'm so sorry 😞 💐

Oh and 🌷🌷🌷for you too OP. You've had a lot of advice here and words - but sometimes something simpler is better. Hope that you manage to find support in real life too x

I'm sorry to those of you who have lost loved ones to suicide.

I've felt this degree of despair for around 2 weeks now. Things really escalated a few days ago. I did try, half heartedly, to speak to a GP this afternoon. I also called The Samaritans, but hung up after a few rings.

If I could sleep, I might be able to see things clearer. I'm exhausted.

Try again to get hold of a GP.

Darling those strong suicidal feelings and thoughts are overwhelming and not your fault. It's your brains way of coping. Although it may not seem like it now. They will pass. You are exhausted and it's not your fault you feel this way. The part of our brain that allows us to feel hope, a solution is shut down during suicidal ideation. Again this is a medical condition. You do not have to act on this. If l can offer any hope lve had those thoughts plans etc. My father died from suicide. I really do understand. It is horrific to experience what you are experiencing right now . We don't tell people with toothaches or migraines to talk or walk it away.

There absolutely is treatment for this you can access this when you are feeling stronger. For now is there anyone, anyone you can speak to who will chat to you. I urge you to seek medical attention ASAP

@Lilianadaisy999 I've been there and felt the despair your feeling and thinking it will never get better more than once.
Sending you hugs. Xx

Hi OP.
First of all I’m sending you a big cuddle .
I’ve been where you are and it’s bloody awful! And looking back I needed a cuddle more than anything
I know exactly how you feel, I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for quite a few years but last year I was definitely at my worst.
Without going into details life events became too much and I couldn’t cope anymore . I couldn’t sleep , eat or focus on anything other than ending it all . My mental health team and doctor kept saying ‘think of your kids’ and whilst I love my children more than anything in the world my head told me they would be better off without me .
I’ve actually attempted twice , the most recent being last year .
The pain you feel is unbearable isn’t it , it’s like being suffocated inside out . I became obsessed with googling things about suicide and I came across this guy who had wrote a book. He too was suicidal and he actually jumped off Sydney bridge . He said as soon as he jumped he regretted it and braced himself for the impact . He thought that was it for him and that he’d made a huge mistake . You won’t believe what saved him.
A seal ! As he was going down and down a seal came out of nowhere and used its face to push the man back up to the surface . 10 years later the man’s life is so different, he does talks etc in schools and colleges .
He decided on his 10 year anniversary of his suicide attempt to take a boat trip across the river he had attempted from. Guess what followed the boat all the way down the river ? A seal! How amazing is that.
What I’m trying to say is I know you won’t feel it now but I promise things do get better . When you’re at rock bottom the only way is up . I’ve been there and my life now couldn’t be more different to last year . Last year I felt like I was wading through mud and sinking . Now I find happiness in the smallest things , things I could no longer see during the dark times , grass , sunshine , rain , a nice walk so many things .
My mental health team used to always say to get out and have a walk and I used to think ‘shut up’ and couldn’t think of anything worse but it really does help. Also I do crafting in a scrap book which takes my mind of everything other than the feeling of calm.
At my worst last year I went to a crisis house through the charity Rethink. I stayed there for 2 weeks and didn’t do a lot other than sleep with the help of sleeping medication . Do you think you could take a look at there website and see what similar services they offer?
My mental health worker told me if you had a broken arm or leg you’d get medical help to make it better you wouldn’t just leave it and that’s the same with mental health. Your head is poorly and needs to feel better so you have to take action to help it heal .
I remember pushing everyone away but silence isn’t strength. You’ve already shown how strong you are by writing in here .
It’s ok to feel overwhelmed
Its ok to not have it together
It’s ok to not feel ok
You’re human not a machine.
Please don’t give up , your story isn’t finished . You have so many more chapters to write xx

Hello @Lilianadaisy999. Did you get any sleep? Tiredness makes everything harder. How are you feeling this morning? I meant to ask, do you family living with you?

@Imbluedalale is right. Mental health is equally as important as physical health so seeking care and treatment for it is important too. Do you think you could get an emergency appt with your GP today? Maybe try samaritans again?

Morning.

I can't thank you enough for all your messages and kind words. I've read every one, several times.

I slept better than I have in ages. I will try to get a GP appointment today.

I have a husband and children. I'm going to try to keep going for them.

I’m so glad you slept better. Sometimes opening up and sharing how you feel can really help. Do try and get that appointment. You deserve to be well and happy OP.

Thank you for posting today. Please look into trying the Flow Headset. It has been a lifesaver for me, although I guess I mean quality of life.

I started using it early this year after years of depression, trying several antidepressants, counselling and diet changes that didn’t help at all.

I remember my surprise about three days in, I woke up and realised I didn’t feel miserable! It really has made my whole life better.

another friend got one and within days family and friends could tell the difference as soon as they spoke to her, her whole approach was different.

i wish you well xxx