TW suicide. I need to stop feeling like this.

[Lilianadaisy999]

I can't stop thinking about this being my next step. I know how I'd do it and have written notes to those I care about the most.

A part of me feels relief that I've a choice. Another part of me feels devastated about the hurt I'll cause those who care. My mind is constantly cycling around this. I can't get it to stop. I'm so exhausted.

I'm already on medication, so I'm not sure there's anything a professional can do to help. I've had therapy, too. I'm still broken.

I am struggling to see other options.

How are you feeling today op?

Morning. I'm definitely feeling a little stronger. The insomnia is horrendous and I'm working full time. I'd give anything for a restful night. I'm taking Zopiclone, too.

I want to get through this. I'm doing some small things to help such as getting out for a walk each day and trying to eat better.

I can't thank you all enough for your messages. You've helped me feel less alone and encouraged me to try to see a way through this.

I’m so sorry to hear this, op.

What would have to change in your life for you to feel differently? Is there a time you can remember being happy or content?

Poor you, insomnia has plagued me for years and it’s just abysmal 😔. Have you had any recent health issues? I found I’ve become really sensitive to histamine and that’s part of my insomnia since it is wakeful. I now don’t have any high histamine foods late in the day. Do you think you could be in perimenopause, which also wrecks sleep? This is an issue for me as well, I sleep but then wake at 3 or 4am.

Thinking of you 💐

I could be perimenopausal. I'm actually starting HRT soon. The prescription is in the post. The GP suggested it when I saw him last week.

This recent event is due to trauma that I'm struggling to process. I know exactly what it is, but it's very difficult to speak about. Hopefully starting counselling will help.

I do remember being happy in the past. It was when my children were younger. I had so much optimism for the future. I'd love to get back to that.

I’m back on zopiclone too. Feel dreadful this morning but did get some actual sleep last night. It’s so hard to notice what’s going on. Took a friend asking a tricky question to get me to call my consultant.

I hope you keep feeling a little better and better, step by step.

Do you find it makes you groggy the next day? I can only take half a tablet.

I find it hardly affects me. I was so worried the first time I took it that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Warned our youngest child if she couldn’t wake me she need to go find her siblings. But it doesn’t have that impact at all. And that’s on the maximum dose. It slightly calms my agitated mind which is enough to let me use my usual strategies to get enough sleep but it doesn’t knock me out at all.
I’m currently looking into options with psychiatrist for more longer term sleep aid - antihistamines or low dose anti psychotics. Can’t remember if I said, but I have bipolar, and that can cause sleep disregulation , which then causes increased risk of relapse…. And round we go! I also have anxiety too (again not unusual) so that adds into the mix and stirs it all up.

Is this the first time you’ve use zopiclone? Did it help you get to sleep and stay asleep? If it did I would put up with groggy for the next couple of days/ weeks for the benefits but if it isn’t helping, check back in straight away as there are other options. All the best.

OP you’re doing great - making such wise steps to support yourself. Keep on going!

I recommend Kirkland sleep aid tablets for sleep. They’re antihistamines and they work amazingly. You probably can’t take them with the sleep meds you’re taking but maybe worth a try? You can buy them online.

I've been on Zopiclone for 10 years. It helps when I'm feeling less than great, but when I'm feeling horrendous, it doesn't help enough. I was like you at first, I thought I wouldn't wake up.

I'm also on venlafaxine. Quite a high dose, so I'm not sure if there's room to go up. Maybe I should ask. I find it hard to get things done when I'm this low.

I've been treated for depression, but I think maybe it's something else as the meds haven't really helped, despite being on them a decade.

I have learnt that if I feel the way you describe, a medication review usually helps. Sorry, I can’t remember (I get a bit of brain fog when my mood starts to go high) are you under the care of GP or Psychiatrist? My GPs are lovely but I find they don’t have the specialist knowledge of the psychiatrist.

It is so hard to ask for help during these times (and I’m still throughly burnt from asking for help for 40 years before diagnosis but asking for the wrong help or under complaining whilst feeling over complaining, and not always been treated with kindness).

GP care. I definitely need to work on being honest and able to articulate what's happening. I find appointments difficult and always minimise things. I think it's due to the fear that they may think my children aren't well cared for, which is definitely not the case.

@Lilianadaisy999
have you considered your body has got so used to the medication over the years that it’s no longer effective?

that happened to me and it wasn’t until my gp suggested trying a different type that it entered my head that could be the issue.

I changed meds and literally within a few days the fog started lifting.
it still took me a good few weeks but I felt stronger each day and slept better each night.
the chaos in my head completley calmed to a full chaos which gave me more time to think and process things.

Someone on here (previous post) recommended an Ap which I have downloaded - Stay Alive.
Possibly worth a look for you .

Some things that I find helpful for me (some things work on different days)
Reading / listening to a book (escapism )
Barefoot in the garden (grounding ) just looking at my flowers
Comedy on TV
Meditation (box breathing )
All the best x

How are you doing @Lilianadaisy999 ? I hope today is a reasonable day.

Hope you’re feeling stronger again today. It’s very positive you’re looking at options through your work. It is worth getting another GP appointment to review your meds. As a pp said they may have become ineffective over time and it could be that something different will help you better.

It’s also worth trying to find some time for you, your own self care. If your DD has dance recitals I’m guessing she’s still quite young g which is a time consuming time for you. Try and get out for a walk or a swim most days.

We lost our son to suicide age 26. We will never recover. I know these things are complex and nuanced. Please please please seek the help you need. You do not want to die. There will be help to manage your pain.

OP you are not at the end of the line. I’ve been there too. The thing is, life ALWAYS changes, whether we want it to or not. NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOR EVER. I couldn’t even explain to anyone in my family what it feels like to reach the depth of despair, feeling like you are mentally ‘stuck’, crying all the time, etc.. it’s quite horrific. I couldn’t contemplate going to see my GP, but I did manage to pick up the phone and call her. I had a complete breakdown and started Sertraline (had been on many other anti D’s over the years before this one); it was a game changer. Stopped the tears, gave me the strength to change my job and life and I am now the happiest (well content is more the word), with my two dogs and my little cat. And my kids still have a mum. Pick up the phone, message someone, just talk. Please? X

Thank you for checking in with me. I'm doing much better than I was. It's such a relief.

I'm going to be starting therapy next week. I'm going to pay for it as I don't think I can wait.

I'm still an emotional wreck, my mood is low, my sleep is appalling and I'm just constantly ruminating BUT there's some hope of happiness in the future.

Thank you all for being there and helping to catch me in that horrible place before I spiralled further. I felt so alone and you showed me with your messages that I'm not. 💐

To those of you that have been there and those that have lost loved ones, I'm so, so sorry. 💐

Wishing you much happier and healthier times ahead OP.

Glad to know you’re doing a lot better OP.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break.

The gesture from my last post is still there, even if it’s only a rant in a pm on here.

Sending love to you 💐💜

It’s so brilliant you’re continuing to move forward, I really hope therapy helps 💐

So pleased to read your update. Wishing you all the very best.

Do hang onto this thread in case you ever feel yourself sliding back a bit. You have a journey ahead of you, and there will be bumps in the road, but you've found how simply reaching out can help, putting the pain into words.

Mumsnet will always be here - it really is what it does best. x

Am pleased you have some therapy organised. Like you, I tend to minimise things when I see a GP and I found writing things down before a therapy appointment really helped. When I was really struggling to articulate how despairing I felt I just gave the therapist what I had written and then we explored it together. After that session I actually felt 'heard' and that someone really understood.

Just a suggestion that might be useful for you too? xx

Hello @Lilianadaisy999! Just catching up on the posts. I'm happy to read you feel a little lighter. Like a PP, i thought a med review might be a good idea focusing on sleep. I imagine everything still feels precarious. I know I feel one minute away from a relapse at the moment. I'm trying to do one thing a day that helps me feel I'm moving towards putting it behind me. Sounds like you've been doing that too, which is great. It is also hard work so you need to "recover" from that. What are you doing to look after yourself - not basic stuff but little moments of you? For example, I've had a very long coffee in bed every morning past 2 weeks (I'm signed off work and my dc are 15 and 12 so I just need to supervise the mornings now).