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Original poster

Suicidal ideations - what to do

42 replies

Quaver213 · 19/06/2025 12:42

Dear dadsnet,

Not sure what I am aiming to achieve by writing this but I am genuinely contemplating suicide. I’ve had these feelings for some time. This is partly or even largely born out of feeling like a failure.

Whilst I am a relatively financially successful individual, earning over £100k,

  • I feel I am not providing how I would like to be providing.
  • I feel I am not the kind of father I had hoped to be. And before you say anything, yes I know suicide when you have kids is selfish.
  • I am reminded by my wife of the many ways I am deficient and the way my “depression” impacts the family.
  • I feel like a disappointment to my wife, despite all the ways I have tried to change, including losing significant weight (nearly 40kg)
  • my life is stress from all angles.

I have rationalised that my family would be better off without me and have even planned my ‘exit’ as being towards the end of the year as this would bypass the 1 year exclusion period in the event of suicide for the renewed life insurance policy I have in place. This combined with life assurance from work would pay to my wife more than enough to pay off the house and look after the family until they are grown. Plus my pension pots are transferable to my spouse.

I genuinely think I might do it. Though not completely sure.

I don’t want to go to a doctor as I’d rather go with no fuss and don’t want to live with the taboo which will make every other area of my life more difficult (work, life insurance premiums, health insurance premiums etc…).

id also flag that I have a history of trauma (an avusive parent) and have had a life of hardship and stress from young. Growing up poor and working since 13 years old.

So what can I do next. I know no one is going to tell me to off myself but I know if I continue as is, I will. Which at the moment, doesn’t seem like a bad thing. As above, I don’t want to go NHS with this, so what might be available to me anonymously?

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 20/06/2025 06:47

Quaver213 · 19/06/2025 22:36

I’ve considered divorce but in all honesty wouldn’t know how to restructure my life again.

She’s the only one I have been with. The only person who knows about my childhood trauma. The only person I’ve really let in. I tend to be a closed book, hence why I guess the state of our relationship is a contributing factor to how I feel.

Aside from that. I know the kids would end up with her and would naturally gravitate towards her and away from me.

I did foolishly toy with the idea of cheating in my mind. Two issues:

  1. I’m not exactly a ladies man. I mean sure I scrub up ok but Im not the suave type. The confidence I display in everyday corporate life is really a facade.
  2. I didn’t think it would give me any of the things I am missing.

I Don’t know. But I have been thinking a lot about this. Perversely, that divorcing and then offing myself would be the ‘least traumatic’ way to do it.

Show quote history

I think you really owe to both to yourself and your wife to have a really frank conversation. Sometimes it's easier with the help of an impartial 3rd party- e.g. family therapist, marriage counsellor.

I would also recommend an excellent book Why Women Talk and Men Walk. It's written by a male-female team of family therapists so both perspectives are given. It could shed light on your wife's behaviour and your own feelings and give you some strategies to address both.

There are also many charities that support men victims of domestic violence. There is nothing in your thread to indicate you are a victim. Saying this, there are many women who didn't realise they were victims of cruel treatment and emotional abuse until years later. I think it's worth visiting these charities websites and see if it applies to you. Domestic violence towards males does exist even though it's a taboo subject

I hope it helps

Kickingasssince72 · 20/06/2025 06:48

Op I get it, I really do. I’m facing my second divorce at the moment and it’s hard, I have also thought it’d be easier if I just wasn’t hear anymore. But my therapist has explored why my self esteem is so low that I’m accepting things that I shouldn’t and that’s where the progress is. Please please try it, it can totally reframe your thinking.

iseethembloom · 20/06/2025 06:52

Sorry to hijack. Is it a selfish act if you have no children but a 78 year old parent?

giggly · 20/06/2025 06:58

Quaver213 · 19/06/2025 16:18

I think about this and whether it would hold true. I feel genuinely as though I fail at every metric/measurable aspect of parenthood and whether the turmoil would just be transient.

Show quote history

I work in CAMHS and I can absolutely guarantee you that your children will be affected for the rest of their lives. They will be consumed by the same feelings that you have but rather than being good enough rhey will be haunted by the thoughts of not being enough for you to stay alive. They will constantly worry that they were not loving enough or that they were in some way to blame for your death.
Right now you have many choices to make that could quite easily save theirs and your own suffering if you choose that path.
Unfortunately if you choose suicide then you leave them with the legacy that they to were not good enough.
Interesting choice to post on here rather than speak to mental health professionals about

Sandy420 · 20/06/2025 07:16

You can't commit suicide OP, you have kids so you need to rule that out as an option. So then you need to look at what you can do.

Go to a doctor and get some anti depressants, they'll have very little impact on anything because half the country is on them. You don't have to say it's because you're suicidal, say it's for work stress if you don't want to impact other areas of your life like life insurances etc.

Get some help with your childhood trauma, it's too much to expect your wife to be able to handle and help you with that, you need professional help. Don't expect your wife to be your support person, it sounds like she can't cope with it any more and you need to get outside help.

Talk to your wife about how you'd like to be a better parent - did you have any good role models? Get her advice on how to handle different situations. Be proactive and positive, her apathy is probably because you are depressed and feel like a failure but don't ever appear to do anything to change. You need to put time, effort and conscious thought into being a good parent.

You have a very well paid job that gives you all a lot of advantages OP, you are certainly not a failure in a work or financial sense. So you're already a winner in many ways. You need to make sure you are looking after yourself and that means sleeping, eating and exercise and you need to get some outside help with meds and therapy and really communicate with your wife in a positive and proactive way. If things still aren't working out at that point then you need to consider divorce, but put the other things in place first as your depression could be impacting everything.

littleredpiano · 20/06/2025 18:18

Sandy420 · 20/06/2025 07:16

You can't commit suicide OP, you have kids so you need to rule that out as an option. So then you need to look at what you can do.

Go to a doctor and get some anti depressants, they'll have very little impact on anything because half the country is on them. You don't have to say it's because you're suicidal, say it's for work stress if you don't want to impact other areas of your life like life insurances etc.

Get some help with your childhood trauma, it's too much to expect your wife to be able to handle and help you with that, you need professional help. Don't expect your wife to be your support person, it sounds like she can't cope with it any more and you need to get outside help.

Talk to your wife about how you'd like to be a better parent - did you have any good role models? Get her advice on how to handle different situations. Be proactive and positive, her apathy is probably because you are depressed and feel like a failure but don't ever appear to do anything to change. You need to put time, effort and conscious thought into being a good parent.

You have a very well paid job that gives you all a lot of advantages OP, you are certainly not a failure in a work or financial sense. So you're already a winner in many ways. You need to make sure you are looking after yourself and that means sleeping, eating and exercise and you need to get some outside help with meds and therapy and really communicate with your wife in a positive and proactive way. If things still aren't working out at that point then you need to consider divorce, but put the other things in place first as your depression could be impacting everything.

I would just caution about lying about your need for anti- depressants and not admitting suicidal ideation. Although anti depressants can be very helpful in many cases. For me they made it worse. So it’s not always the sticking plaster that people think they are. They also take time to work and can make things feel worse to begin with. I understand why you have posted on here instead of reaching out to mental health services or your GP however a good GP can be really helpful… I do also hope you have managed to call a service like the Samaritans or the other ones people have mentioned on here. Again I, like many other people are here on this board over the weekend if you need. I agree about talking to your wife and or if there is a trusted person in your life you could confide in who can check in with you? You’re a good Dad. Tmw is a new day. Make sure you are in your kids present and their future. I promise things will get better and right now it is thoughts that are not true and not you. So stick to the facts you love your kids. Even when times are difficult. So being there for them in life is the biggest gift you can ever give them. Trust me. I’ve seen what this did to my kids friends who lost parents this way. Big hugs. X

fairyjenni · 22/06/2025 03:39

Quaver213 · 19/06/2025 12:42

Dear dadsnet,

Not sure what I am aiming to achieve by writing this but I am genuinely contemplating suicide. I’ve had these feelings for some time. This is partly or even largely born out of feeling like a failure.

Whilst I am a relatively financially successful individual, earning over £100k,

  • I feel I am not providing how I would like to be providing.
  • I feel I am not the kind of father I had hoped to be. And before you say anything, yes I know suicide when you have kids is selfish.
  • I am reminded by my wife of the many ways I am deficient and the way my “depression” impacts the family.
  • I feel like a disappointment to my wife, despite all the ways I have tried to change, including losing significant weight (nearly 40kg)
  • my life is stress from all angles.

I have rationalised that my family would be better off without me and have even planned my ‘exit’ as being towards the end of the year as this would bypass the 1 year exclusion period in the event of suicide for the renewed life insurance policy I have in place. This combined with life assurance from work would pay to my wife more than enough to pay off the house and look after the family until they are grown. Plus my pension pots are transferable to my spouse.

I genuinely think I might do it. Though not completely sure.

I don’t want to go to a doctor as I’d rather go with no fuss and don’t want to live with the taboo which will make every other area of my life more difficult (work, life insurance premiums, health insurance premiums etc…).

id also flag that I have a history of trauma (an avusive parent) and have had a life of hardship and stress from young. Growing up poor and working since 13 years old.

So what can I do next. I know no one is going to tell me to off myself but I know if I continue as is, I will. Which at the moment, doesn’t seem like a bad thing. As above, I don’t want to go NHS with this, so what might be available to me anonymously?

🙏 please , dont do anything to harm you8,cit would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem,,,

I understand how you feel and I know it may not seem like it now .....but things can get better, you have value and im sure your children and your family & friends would not want you to do this ,, ..
There is always a way out ,, you can be happy again ,, you have value & people love you ,, ..
🙏 please remember that ,,
You are strong and you can get threw this , even if it takes time.e ,, YOU CAN BE STRONG , please 8 dont give up ..
Take care ,, sending u thoughts of love & support...

Please stay safe.,, u can overcome this ,, you really an xx

everychildmatters · 22/06/2025 03:45

Are you carrying the full financial burden or does your wife work too? It sounds like there's a lot of pressure on you?

nightvisiting · 22/06/2025 04:31

Quaver213 · 19/06/2025 16:18

I think about this and whether it would hold true. I feel genuinely as though I fail at every metric/measurable aspect of parenthood and whether the turmoil would just be transient.

Show quote history

It is not transient, it is forever. You know if you do this that your children are much more likely to take their own lives in future? Is that what you want for them, and a life of wondering why they weren't enough for their father to stick around? If you love them, get some serious help as soon as you can. Go to your GP, emergency, anywhere until someone listens to you. You're worth it. Your children are worth it. Depression lies.

tripleginandtonic · 22/06/2025 04:41

I don't think death ever solves problems. If the roles were reversed mumsnet would say have you considered the way you feel to be due to your partner. They sound very unsupportive. At the very least as a parent you are providing a good income for your family. I would look at couples counselling..

fairyjenni · 22/06/2025 04:55

Quaver213 · 19/06/2025 12:42

Dear dadsnet,

Not sure what I am aiming to achieve by writing this but I am genuinely contemplating suicide. I’ve had these feelings for some time. This is partly or even largely born out of feeling like a failure.

Whilst I am a relatively financially successful individual, earning over £100k,

  • I feel I am not providing how I would like to be providing.
  • I feel I am not the kind of father I had hoped to be. And before you say anything, yes I know suicide when you have kids is selfish.
  • I am reminded by my wife of the many ways I am deficient and the way my “depression” impacts the family.
  • I feel like a disappointment to my wife, despite all the ways I have tried to change, including losing significant weight (nearly 40kg)
  • my life is stress from all angles.

I have rationalised that my family would be better off without me and have even planned my ‘exit’ as being towards the end of the year as this would bypass the 1 year exclusion period in the event of suicide for the renewed life insurance policy I have in place. This combined with life assurance from work would pay to my wife more than enough to pay off the house and look after the family until they are grown. Plus my pension pots are transferable to my spouse.

I genuinely think I might do it. Though not completely sure.

I don’t want to go to a doctor as I’d rather go with no fuss and don’t want to live with the taboo which will make every other area of my life more difficult (work, life insurance premiums, health insurance premiums etc…).

id also flag that I have a history of trauma (an avusive parent) and have had a life of hardship and stress from young. Growing up poor and working since 13 years old.

So what can I do next. I know no one is going to tell me to off myself but I know if I continue as is, I will. Which at the moment, doesn’t seem like a bad thing. As above, I don’t want to go NHS with this, so what might be available to me anonymously?

You can get anonymous help online from..
Samaritans ,
And MIND..
Also a site called Kooth...
And you can search on
www.find a helpline where you can find 24/7 access to suicide , and crisis help anonymously , and talk to someone on chat , txt , or phone and it is completely free ...
Also there is a free txt helpline called shout ..
Which you can also access 24/7 ..

Please try, you are stronger than you think ..
You can get threw your troubles ,, people care about you ,, please know that x
Take care xx

littleredpiano · 22/06/2025 11:35

Quaver213 · 19/06/2025 12:42

Dear dadsnet,

Not sure what I am aiming to achieve by writing this but I am genuinely contemplating suicide. I’ve had these feelings for some time. This is partly or even largely born out of feeling like a failure.

Whilst I am a relatively financially successful individual, earning over £100k,

  • I feel I am not providing how I would like to be providing.
  • I feel I am not the kind of father I had hoped to be. And before you say anything, yes I know suicide when you have kids is selfish.
  • I am reminded by my wife of the many ways I am deficient and the way my “depression” impacts the family.
  • I feel like a disappointment to my wife, despite all the ways I have tried to change, including losing significant weight (nearly 40kg)
  • my life is stress from all angles.

I have rationalised that my family would be better off without me and have even planned my ‘exit’ as being towards the end of the year as this would bypass the 1 year exclusion period in the event of suicide for the renewed life insurance policy I have in place. This combined with life assurance from work would pay to my wife more than enough to pay off the house and look after the family until they are grown. Plus my pension pots are transferable to my spouse.

I genuinely think I might do it. Though not completely sure.

I don’t want to go to a doctor as I’d rather go with no fuss and don’t want to live with the taboo which will make every other area of my life more difficult (work, life insurance premiums, health insurance premiums etc…).

id also flag that I have a history of trauma (an avusive parent) and have had a life of hardship and stress from young. Growing up poor and working since 13 years old.

So what can I do next. I know no one is going to tell me to off myself but I know if I continue as is, I will. Which at the moment, doesn’t seem like a bad thing. As above, I don’t want to go NHS with this, so what might be available to me anonymously?

How are you today OP? I have - as many other mumsnetters been thinking of you.

Kosenrufugirl · 22/06/2025 12:25

littleredpiano · 22/06/2025 11:35

How are you today OP? I have - as many other mumsnetters been thinking of you.

Show quote history

How are you, OP?

nightvisiting · 22/06/2025 22:08

Thinking of you too, OP.

Lilactimes · 13/07/2025 07:47

Dear @Quaver213 - how are you? Beeen thinking of you and hope to hear from you and how you’re feeling x

UncertainPerson · 13/07/2025 08:31

@Quaver213I noticed that your son is autistic. Do you know it’s strongly hereditary? Have you ever considered you might be autistic?

My DH has had a diagnosis of autism in later life and it has been genuinely transformative for him. He has an autistic coach and therapist who does EMDR with him. Do you know about alexithymia which is difficulty in identifying and naming one’s feelings. Does this sound familiar? DHs diagnosis has supported our marriage also as we can better address DHs long term mental health needs.

Wishing you well 💐

thebigyearahead · 13/07/2025 08:42

You need to be kinder to yourself and start rebuilding your self-esteem. Your wife is probably in the horrible situation of wondering if / when this will happen, especially if she’s had to deal with a similar situation before. I would imagine she’s emotionally exhausted. So be kind to her too - she might be struggling to prop up herself too (I’ve been there).
It’s ESSENTIAL you get professional help with your mental health. She’s not an expert in this and neither are you. Start by visiting your GP. Reach out to a crisis centre, Andy’s Mans club etc. You can turn a corner with this and things will get better, but you need to take a very small first step by contacting your doctor to get back on the right path.

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