Dear dadsnet,
Not sure what I am aiming to achieve by writing this but I am genuinely contemplating suicide. I’ve had these feelings for some time. This is partly or even largely born out of feeling like a failure.
Whilst I am a relatively financially successful individual, earning over £100k,
- I feel I am not providing how I would like to be providing.
- I feel I am not the kind of father I had hoped to be. And before you say anything, yes I know suicide when you have kids is selfish.
- I am reminded by my wife of the many ways I am deficient and the way my “depression” impacts the family.
- I feel like a disappointment to my wife, despite all the ways I have tried to change, including losing significant weight (nearly 40kg)
- my life is stress from all angles.
I have rationalised that my family would be better off without me and have even planned my ‘exit’ as being towards the end of the year as this would bypass the 1 year exclusion period in the event of suicide for the renewed life insurance policy I have in place. This combined with life assurance from work would pay to my wife more than enough to pay off the house and look after the family until they are grown. Plus my pension pots are transferable to my spouse.
I genuinely think I might do it. Though not completely sure.
I don’t want to go to a doctor as I’d rather go with no fuss and don’t want to live with the taboo which will make every other area of my life more difficult (work, life insurance premiums, health insurance premiums etc…).
id also flag that I have a history of trauma (an avusive parent) and have had a life of hardship and stress from young. Growing up poor and working since 13 years old.
So what can I do next. I know no one is going to tell me to off myself but I know if I continue as is, I will. Which at the moment, doesn’t seem like a bad thing. As above, I don’t want to go NHS with this, so what might be available to me anonymously?