I don't know where to start - but my mental health seems to be taking a severe battering at the moment and I am lost and don't really know what to do. I am so so fucking tired of it all.
In March/April I noticed I was going through another depressive period and got myself to the doctor, who put me on anti-depressants straightaway. I engaged a new therapist who is amazing. I am self-employed and didn't accept any work for May because I needed to recover from feeling like I was going to kill myself. It's been awful.
I live outside of the UK, in a country with appallingly low salaries, high tax/social security rates for self employed people, and limited opportunity. I find myself without work coming in (I freelance to one particular company) and I am so empty, I have nothing to give any more. I am empty. I just do not care. I am so tired of doing everything alone. I need to find 3 grand a month to pay my bills/live/pay taxes etc and there's no way I can make it work. Im so angry with myself for failing, and so so tired of struggling again. Im done. I keep looking for answers. I'm applying for work online, I'm getting a tiny bit of work through the company I provide for. But I just don't know what to do.
The only think I can think of is selling my house and paying off the mortgage, and moving to the north of the country where it's a lot cheaper to buy, and live off the remaining money for 3 years or so until it runs out, then figure out what to do then. I understand that I am very fortunate on paper and that many people are facing worse than me. I know this. I try every day to meditate, practise gratitude, look after myself. but I just don't care any more. I don't have the mental capacity to do anything new. I spend most of my days at the moment trying to sleep just so they day will be over and I can go to bed properly and reach unconsiousness,
Today I had a breakdown on the bathroom floor in the dark for an hour - I know this is not a normal way to behave (edited by MNHQ). I don't want to kill myself just yet - my dogs would be too confused - but I cannot live like this any more. I am so empty. I'm doing all thr things I know I will be told to do - medication, exercise, eating healthily, getting outdoors, speaking to friends, sleeping, whatever. I don't drink/take drugs/smoke. Sorry this is so all over the place and maybe it sounds a bit poor me and I should just get over myself, but I'm out of answers.