I think I'm done

[DanishPastry45]

I don't know where to start - but my mental health seems to be taking a severe battering at the moment and I am lost and don't really know what to do. I am so so fucking tired of it all.
In March/April I noticed I was going through another depressive period and got myself to the doctor, who put me on anti-depressants straightaway. I engaged a new therapist who is amazing. I am self-employed and didn't accept any work for May because I needed to recover from feeling like I was going to kill myself. It's been awful.
I live outside of the UK, in a country with appallingly low salaries, high tax/social security rates for self employed people, and limited opportunity. I find myself without work coming in (I freelance to one particular company) and I am so empty, I have nothing to give any more. I am empty. I just do not care. I am so tired of doing everything alone. I need to find 3 grand a month to pay my bills/live/pay taxes etc and there's no way I can make it work. Im so angry with myself for failing, and so so tired of struggling again. Im done. I keep looking for answers. I'm applying for work online, I'm getting a tiny bit of work through the company I provide for. But I just don't know what to do.

The only think I can think of is selling my house and paying off the mortgage, and moving to the north of the country where it's a lot cheaper to buy, and live off the remaining money for 3 years or so until it runs out, then figure out what to do then. I understand that I am very fortunate on paper and that many people are facing worse than me. I know this. I try every day to meditate, practise gratitude, look after myself. but I just don't care any more. I don't have the mental capacity to do anything new. I spend most of my days at the moment trying to sleep just so they day will be over and I can go to bed properly and reach unconsiousness,

Today I had a breakdown on the bathroom floor in the dark for an hour - I know this is not a normal way to behave (edited by MNHQ). I don't want to kill myself just yet - my dogs would be too confused - but I cannot live like this any more. I am so empty. I'm doing all thr things I know I will be told to do - medication, exercise, eating healthily, getting outdoors, speaking to friends, sleeping, whatever. I don't drink/take drugs/smoke. Sorry this is so all over the place and maybe it sounds a bit poor me and I should just get over myself, but I'm out of answers.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. It’s an awful feeling! Can you go back to the Doctor and therapist and see if they can offer any more help?

it’s tough, even more so if you are doing things alone. You are not a failure and just going through a rough patch where your mind will just make you feel like you are x

Hello lovely wow your not a failure don’t think that .. we have all been there my question is do you believe in god ? If not try find a relationship with him

secondly you seem like your tired of the routine my best advice would be sell up do something different buy aborad

try Spain Cyprus something cheap for a year xx just got for it don’t think about killing your self you’ve not lived yet keep pushing xx 🤍

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.

We have also removed some of the last bit on your post because we don’t allow posts that detail suicide methods. We hope you understand where we are coming from.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

I'm going to say something different to the norm.

Actually,life can be so very tough that I believe your feelings are pretty ' normal '. I believe more people than you'd ever realise get feelings like this. So many people.

You feel hopeless and you feel you have no control to change the situation. That is often the cause of a state of depression for people. That's if there aren't other biological factors ( and there could be; nutrient issues, hormones, menopause, ND status potentially) adding to it.

It sounds like a really shit place to be financially. You're going to feel miserable paying so much.

It depends on what ties you to that place right now. If you have family or friends there. Somewhere that gives you more financial freedom is going to help so much it sounds like. It's worth considering if there aren't lots of important relationships you'll lose.

Thank you so much for your replies - I'm taking on board all that you say.

@sunflower113 I actually live in one of those places you've suggested :-) . I've been cultivating a relationship with God/The Universe/Source (however you feel comfortable calling it) for a long time. Perhaps recently I've been feeling abandoned/have lost faith and feel very very alone (and by alone I mean feeling not connected to something bigger than myself, you know?). I've been trying so very hard and I want to keep believing I will get through the other side. When I'm in a healthier state of mind, I truly believe that all the things I've experienced and dealt with make me a spiritually richer person, and I normally have remarkable self-awareness and perspective and am full of joy and gratitude for my beautiful life - but at the moment, this extended Dark Night Of The Soul is doing a number on me. Perhaps it's leading me to greater things and I've got to stop trying to find the solution/meaning behind it and allow myself to be taken on a new path.

@iamnotalemon thank you for giving perspective - I have to keep reminding myself my mind needs care, not chastising and punishment. I've made a Dr's appointment for Friday and am checking in with my lovely therapist tomorrow. I'm making sure I do all the practical things which I know are the right thing to do - making myself drink water, eat, get outside, talk to people.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup technically nothing ties me where I am - I'm working on looking at the logistical side in a hugely positive light - moving north from where I am means cooler weather, better scenery, a change (Ive been in this same area for 20+ years), better food, quieter people. It would allow me to live more simply, and create/write/be in nature (all the things that make me truly happy), and maybe train for something so in a couple of years I could feel a little more qualified to do steadier work so I dont repeat this cycle of insecurity. I think a big part of fear I'm feeling is 'I'm doing this alone' and when I'm not feeling powerful it is so, so tiring to keep 'doing things alone'. when my brain chemistry is right I think 'I am amazing - look how much I've achieved - and I've done it all by myself!'

Thank you so, so much for taking the time out to reply to what I wrote. The wobble comes and goes in waves - reading your perspectives and advice helps more than you might think.

I’m glad you’re doing ok. Sometimes having the choice to live where you want to and the freedom becomes paralysing in itself. Honestly, depression and mental health struggles are so hard and I really feel for you - it’s hard just getting through the day when your mind is telling you all the reasons you shouldn’t bother.

your plan to move north sounds like a good one.

it’s so weird when you say about doing things alone vs I am amazing, I’ve done it alone. I’m the same. (Single, mid 40s and no children).

@DanishPastry45 you don't have to divulge this but your words and references remind me of what some of us are discussing on the thread ' we took you to STATELY HOMES'.

We are women who mostly have difficult family relationships and have endured narcissistic abuse at hands of family; mothers, siblings, in laws and/ or partners/ ex partners.

I relate to what you mention because a few of us are talking about this journey to realisation and authenticity as a result of suffering. It's usually suffering that takes us on this path. Pretty deep depression is normal. Suicidal feelings are incredibly common in people who have experienced this. It is not an over reaction at all. It's normal.

Loneliness and a realisation that - shit, who the fuck actually is there here? In reality, for so many doing this; there's no bugger. It's really really tough stuff.

So, you are incredibly brave and I mean brave. Why do most people continue in delusion and deny their reality regards life, people etc. It's because it's pretty unpleasant to accept when you first see it and it takes immense courage to start living it. You're one of those courageous people I can tell from what you have written.

It sounds cheddar but I am finding great joy in just sitting with cows on my own at a beautiful spot in the country ATM. I too am experiencing difficulty, am alone really and isolated by illness. I feel less alone just being with other sentient beings. It might give you a little connection if you can be around any animals in nature, alone.

It sounds to me like getting away to another place would make life a bit easier and reduce this financial stress. Material things can just go swivel. You need the basics and you'll be good.

I'd look at anything that could help a tad. I tried ashwaganda. I felt it helped a bit you know. It could be placebo. I tried prescription CBD oil. That helped a bit but was pretty strong for me and did zombie me a tad. Multivitamins and just getting a full blood count if you have strength? Iron and ferritin stores are so often an issue for us ladies and you can feel shitters because of that. ❤️🦋

What a great message! Sorry you are struggling too. I’ll have to check out the stately homes thread x

@Pleaseshutthefuckup it's funny you should mention the Stately Homes thread - I've been quietly lurking in the backround there for a few years and I think I'll take a peek in again. I've been re-visiting some experiences from my childhood recently (alcoholic parents, violent father, emotionally absent mother), and have recently undergone some huge shifts in my life (the past 10 years has been a rollercoaster - starter marriage, infertility, divorce, unemployment, 4 house moves, death of both parents, house purchase), so perhaps this is The Big ClearOut so I can live a little more peacefully, on my own terms.
I completely agree with what you say about the self-realisation following periods of deep depression - when I'm back in my 'flow', I can see the pattern of how I emerge from the eye of the storm bigger and brighter and more energised, with more focus and direction. I think the thing that's scared me this time is that I couldn't see a way out of this period of depression - it's been utterly overwhelming. However, the fog seems like it's clearing a little. I'm just going to have a little more faith and a little more patience.

Also, I am going to have a lot more trust in myself - I realised this morning that if I look back to the 'wish-lists' written in the past of how I would like my life to look, it involved being in nature, colder weather, with a little house in the middle of nowhere, being able to create... and yet when I came up with my 'panic plan' of how I would have to give up the current life I have created for myself, all of those things were included but I looked at it like I was being forced into a corner and had no choice (if that makes sense) - I'm looking at it now with a different perspective. I don't think I would be seriously thinking about making this change if my current circumstances hadn't forced my hand, so to speak. It could be the best thing that's happened to me.

It sounds like you have phenomenal self-awareness and the ability to tend to your needs and that is an underrated skill, which many ignore. I hope being in nature (with or without cows) continues to bring you joy :-). Please know that by taking the time out to comment, you've helped me immeasurably - sincerely, thank you for that - it make be the gentle guidances I've been asking for to kick-start my next chapter. x