What does parental suicide do to a child?

[Halycon]

I know the Google answers about the terrible consequences it can have for a child in the short and long term, but did any of your parents end their life? Or do you know someone who was in this position?

What was the impact, really?

I haven't been in this position so maybe you won't be interested in this .... but in my view it would have lifelong impacts and I would find it hard to get past the fact that they chose to leave me, however wrong that view might be .... as obviously the person is mentally unwell to do such a thing. But it's not like cancer or an accident, they had a choice IMO and that would stick with me.

It would be highly traumatic for the child and this would be taken into adulthood. It would impact on how the adult sees themselves and how they relate in the world around them.
What would you think would happen op?

I've noticed a few posters asking this question on here recently, and in others it was more explicitly someone with suicidal ideation and children.

I don't think this is a fair question. No one on the internet can assure you that if you choose to end your life, your children won't be profoundly damaged.

Oh, and in answer to the question, I had a university friend whose parents had both died by suicide when he was younger. I had not known him at the time it happened, but the man I met was a profoundly traumatised and fragile human being with understandably poor MH. A good friend of mine went out with him for a month or two, and ended the relationship, because he was so fragile and demanding. We've long since lost touch, so I have no idea whether he was able to recover further into adulthood. I hope so, but I think I've held off on Googling him for fear of finding that he also died by suicide.

If this is due to how your feeling op then loosing a parent is nothing a child would ever ever ask for even if the parent think this is the right thing. If it is due to how your feeling you need to speak to someone today, gp, nhs 111, friend, Samaritans. It's never going to be the right choice.
I've also seen this question why g asked a lot recently, is it the same op?

Aged just 6 my mother died leaving the question, accident or suicide. Even the possibility it was suicide has deeply affected me and I'm sure, the decisions I've made. I'm not sure how recovery, how trust and self-worth, can ever be fully restored.

I have recently made a new friend. Her father took his own life when she was a child. She is completely messed up. Has never really worked apart from a few low level jobs. Has a lot of mental health issues. Will go from suicidal to very happy and giddy (I’ve long suspected she may be Bi-Polar and maybe her dad was too but that isn’t one of the many things she has been diagnosed with).

she struggles to talk about her dad at all. I can tell she’s angry at him for leaving her. I don’t think she even knows why he did it.

@Halyconare you ok? Are you considering hurting yourself or taking your own life? Do you need help? Are you safe right now?

Edited for typo

A girl I went to school with was the one who found her mother, girl was 7 at the time. It was a small town so everyone knew what had happened which seemed only to add to the damage and pain even though, on the whole, people tried to be kind. She died by suicide in her early 20s, shortly after her sister. The dad drank himself to death not long after. Completely tragic.

My grandfather took his life and it had huge effects on my mother and her siblings. She was in her late teens and seemed to come off the best (although her life has not been easy due to her poor mental health and guilt surrounding his death). Her two younger sisters both turned to alcohol, and one died of it. They were 10 and 8 when their father took his life. It was all very much hushed up. My mother only told me about the suicide recently, and it was nearly 50 years ago.

Is this research for a story?

If you are asking because you are weighing up your options, please seek professional help, even if it is only calling the Samaritans

Why do you ask, OP?
Do you feel this way yourself?
Nobody is going to tell you it turned out to be the right thing for the child and they went on to live happy lives.
The death of a parent in any circumstances is going to have far-reaching consequences for a child for the rest of their lives, I think its common sense to know that it will have that impact, you don’t need anecdotal stories.
The only exception I think would be if the parent was abusive, so therefore the child might be relieved they were no longer around.

slightly o/t but this is why I hate the language around cancer, “battle” and “fight”.

like it’s a choice to give up and die. Leaves kids thinking why didn’t they fight harder and not leave me.

i’ve seen it with accidents as well- “he’s a fighter”

my dad died very suddenly. Now in my rational brain I know he had no choice. But I know my mum was angry at him “leaving” her for a long time, and sometimes my brain goes to that place which thinks maybe if he just had fought to stay…as if mind over matter and sheer willpower could overcome a failing heart.

I’ve been around suicide a lot as part of my job. I don’t believe they have a choice either.

i had a friend who found her dad who had hung himself. She was very young. I often think about her, back in my day counselling for kids wasn’t a thing “kids are resilient” and you were expected to get over it. I was messed up myself so didn’t really get into it with her.

The people I know have never got over that their parent chose to leave them and I don't think they ever will. The impact on them has been much worse than for the person I know whose parents were murdered in front of them, because of the choice aspect.

I know someone it happened to but it's probably complicated by the rest of the family having lied to her about how her mother died. She only found out in her later teens it was a suicide. She's in her late 60s now and still very affected by it. I don't think it's something that ever leaves you.

It cripples them emotionally for life. I was 21 when my dad took his own life. Six years later my brother died in an ‘accident’. I’m 64 now and still suffering the emotional consequences.

Oh, and in answer to the question, I had a university friend whose parents had both died by suicide when he was younger. I had not known him at the time it happened, but the man I met was a profoundly traumatised and fragile human being with understandably poor MH. A good friend of mine went out with him for a month or two, and ended the relationship, because he was so fragile and demanding. We've long since lost touch, so I have no idea whether he was able to recover further into adulthood. I hope so, but I think I've held off on Googling him for fear of finding that he also died by suicide.

He sounds a little like me. I’ve been incredibly lucky in my husband but have also worked extremely hard on recovery. I’m still not an easy person to deal with.

Friend of mine: dad when she was a child. She has a good life due to an incredibly strong mother, privilege, and some good luck marrying someone pretty solid. But ultimately she is highly anxious, unstable, and had a very wild and chaotic time as a young adult.

Parent of mine: dad when they were a young adult. Lifelong issues with alcohol, chaotic living, unresolved trauma.

Hi all,
Just to be on the very safe side, we wanted to extend our hand to the OP and offer these links to our Mental Health resources, and to the Samaritans, who can be contacted any time by emailing [email protected] or by calling 116 123.
In case anyone is struggling, help is available from a text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support callers to get to a calmer and safe place. It's a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on a phone bill.
And finally, here's a link to Mind's pages on Tips for everyday living and How to improve your mental wellbeing.
Of course it may well be that this is just a question, and that the answers might be used to help the OP support another person, so we are inclined to leave the thread but do think, given the sensitivities of the answers, it might better be moved out of Chat.
Sending love and kindest thoughts to everyone who has been touched by the loss of a loved one deciding, in that one fateful moment, to end their life.

This isn't really relevant, but I lost a parent through illness nothing they could have prevented, predicted or been cured. It was extremely traumatic and completely ruined my life. So I would hazard a guess that parental suicide and the knowledge of this would have even more devastating consequences.

If my situation happened today, I would be classed as vulnerable, I wasn't then. I was preyed upon, taken advantage of, manipulated and abused. It took me until my mid-30's to realise this is what had been happening to me. I've never managed to reach my potential or fulfil my dreams and have had MH issues. I haven't had parental support at crucial times and have suffered from high levels of stress for the majority of my life, all of which resulted in a serious illness, major surgery and lifelong side effects.

This could be my younger self speaking. I’m so sorry. I hope that someone or something somehow will help you come to terms with this X

Thank you, I'm doing ok now, for the most part. But at over half way through my life, and the 30 years its taken to get to 'doing ok', I'd urge anyone thinking their children might be better off with out them to seek help.

I’m glad you’re doing better. Onwards and upwards! In my case, I was so enmeshed with my dad that when he finally followed through my main conscious emotion was relief that we - and he - were out of it. His suffering was awful. My mum got lots of support but we three (21, 18 and 16) got nothing. People were actually embarrassed by us. I don’t think things would get quite so bad nowadays. I hope not.

It’s quite strange seeing how people react to these situations. I’m pretty much on my own with my DH and children, I don’t see or hear from other family at all, I wonder if that’s the “embarrassment”

The loss of a parent in any way is amongst the most traumatic things a child can suffer . Suicide adds a whole other dimension- self esteem - why was I not good enough to make them stay . Guilt - why didn’t I do something . Abandonment - they chose to leave me . Attachment - seeking attachment in the wrong places or avoiding for fear of loss . Fear - maybe that gene lives in me .
Devasting basically .

It could be. People can be very judgemental and also scared of these situations being contagious, even if subconsciously.