What does parental suicide do to a child?

[Halycon]

I know the Google answers about the terrible consequences it can have for a child in the short and long term, but did any of your parents end their life? Or do you know someone who was in this position?

What was the impact, really?

I feel the same way, but I was 40 years older when it happened.

It isn’t our fault. ❤️

I’m very sorry for your worry and anxiety.
That must be exhausting.

My grandparent died by suicide when I was 15, 25 years ago. I'm the oldest of 9 grandchildren. 6 of us, that I know of (could be more) still have ongoing mental health problems as a result of the trauma. 2 of those 6 are unable to work, have severe social anxiety and are very isolated. DM and all her siblings are similarly affected. Bereavement by suicide is one of the most traumatic things a person can experience, to lose a parent to suicide must be even worse.

It will leave an impact on the childs memories of the parents.

It will impact a child's life forever. From that point on the child will be haunted by memories. Endless nights of flashbacks, no sleep and nightmares. They will blame themselves. They will have flashbacks of the moment they discovered their parent. Nothing will help them un see what they have seen.

One of my closest friends lost his dad to suicide when friend was 10. He found his dad in the garage.

My friend began smoking at 11, was reliant on alcohol by 15. He was a (kind & gentle) functioning alcoholic until his 50s when he finally managed to kick the booze with the help of his long term partner. He died of lung cancer last year, aged 63. 😔

I don't think he ever got over the loss of his dad.

My father did not die by suicide in the end, but was constantly threatening suicide throughout my childhood, and made a couple of attempts that didn’t work.

I spent my childhood feeling anxious and guilty and ashamed that he felt (and often told me) he had ‘nothing to live for’ - while other people spoke about their children being the most important thing in their lives. I felt unloved and inadequate and completely insignificant.

Unfortunately someone I knew from school (not very well) died yesterday in what’s thought to be a suicide. He had a fiance and three daughters. Obviously it’s very early but their whole lives have been obliterated.

call Samaritans OP if you feel like ending your life. Or try this trick. I have sometimes wanted to hang myself but always think just wait one more day, you can’t take it back. I’ve always felt better one day later. Things don’t usually seem so bleak the next day. For me anyway.

i am not a mother though.

these posts are heartbreakingly sad 💔

I haven't read the thread. My secondhand experience...close school friend's DF suddenly became very ill and they told her DM he wouldn't survive. That night her DM died at her own hands.
Shockingly, her DF went on to recover but my friend and her brother suffered terribly in the aftermath. My friend was Anorexic within a year and i know both have been inpatients at several hospitals as adults. Neither went on to have the lives you'd have predicted before this happened, the one that looked so obvious to us all. Both were outgoing, beautiful and incredibly bright. The loss of their DM changed their lives irrevocably and destroyed their mental health.

I don't know anyone with the clear effects of it, but I do know someone who committed suicide and their baby wasn't even 1. I just can't even begin to imagine what it's done to that baby at such a young age and how it'll now shape their life and I think about it all the time with having my own young baby. It's terrifying to know that someone can be in such a bad place to do this. OP if you're struggling please reach out for help, there is no situation that someone wouldn't be affected by this in one way or another , no matter the age of the child or your relationship with the child

I’m sorry for not reading all the thread but my answer to this is lit led to lifelong anxieties in one friend and genuinely ruined their life. A other friend’s boy is struggling and it never heals or goes . Personally I have only seen this side of the effects of suicidal by a parent. Guilt, frustration, low esteem and lack of answers is it’s a few of the never ending problems for the people I know left behind. .

Think how it comes across to people who have experienced it - to be told my life is ruined, that I will always suffer & will have the same problems myself.

That is definitely not true. It does increase the risk of mental health problems but from my own experience I can say that the stigma surrounding it & stupid comments like that saying my life has been ruined are far worse.

Most people whose parents die by suicide will go on to live happy, fulfilled lives & do not have to live their lives in the shadow of their parents choices & behaviour. There is nothing wrong with accepting what happened & feeling relief.

I would never ever say that suicide is an option for anyone to consider, but it's wrong to say that family will suffer for the rest of their lives.

My father didn't commit suicide, but sometimes I feel that maybe that would have made more sense. Long story short, for 20 years he was a fugitive and he's finally in jail.

Those posters saying that it inevitably ruins the children's lives need to realise that that's not universally true and neither is it inevitable. My post earlier on this thread about my happy, mentally healthy, well-adjusted successful children who are now in their 30s and past the age at which their father killed himself shows it's possible to have a normal, happy, life even if your parent has committed suicide or died in any other way.

We are over 30 years in since the sudden, out of the blue suicide of our beloved family member.

His children were tiny tots at the time. They have had difficult lives.

With a loving and supportive family, they are now doing ok but the rest of us, in the family, still to this day devastated beyond belief.

Saying his name brings actual pain to my heart and soul. I cannot say the words of how he died, it is just won’t come out of my mouth.
I cannot talk about him either in fondness or in sadness.
We miss him desperately, we wonder why still. We wonder what life would be like had this not happened.
We will never ever recover and will forever protect his children who are now adults.

His mother died of a broken heart a couple of years after this happened, she gave up on life and so for us, we lost more than one person due to this act.

Please please don’t do this to your loved ones, please know that you are loved and cherished beyond words, your children will always need you.x

Even although this happened to my family, I lead a normal life, got qualifications, work hard, have two amazing adult children, a wonderful marriage to an amazing man but it’s still in the back of my mind some days as I work with children and see them amazing bond they have with their dads(I have no memories apart from him shouting aggressively across the street at my mum!
as for my sibling it’s affected them massively. Think alcohol, addiction, gambling, severe mental health issues, their days are consumed with the reason behind their problems.

I am just able to control my feeling and do what I’m supposed to do in life, they can’t.

This. My DSis’ husband committed suicide, leaving behind his two young sons (age 2 & 10 at the time). The boys have never and will never be the same, never mind poor DSis who found him dead. It was obvious from the police investigation that it had been planned for a long time, yet he didn’t even change his will to include the boys or DSis and all of the money went to his first wife. She pocketed every last penny. Bloody selfish and I do believe he knew what he was doing. As a mother I cannot fathom how anyone could justify doing such a thing to their own child, no matter how shit your life is

So many beautifully kind and compassionate posts on this thread (and so many awful, traumatic experiences -- love to you all ).
And you deserve that compassion, OP, you really do. Which makes me feel all the more struck by how instinctively angry your post (and many other threads begun by people gesturing at their suicidal feelings) make me feel. I can barely understand it, but I always feel like reporting these posts in fury. I suppose it is because, like it or not, communicating feelings about suicide (and in some circumstances actually committing suicide) is a very graphic way of pleading for - demanding - help.

It is natural for friends and family to feel overwhelmed, frightened, and ultimately furious when faced with this level of demand (however reluctantly and desperately the person making this demand does so). So left-behind children may face a legacy of their own rage. Worse, they will feel guilty about the fury they feel. So they may not acknowledge it, and they may displace it onto any- and everyone else in their lives. So, a lifetime of unsatisfying relationships, fury at innocent spouses, etc.

I really do think that I feel no anger whatsoever towards my son who killed himself, because he was so manifestly ill (schizophrenia and autism). But the extent of diffuse anger I feel in the rest of my life may possibly be partly a displacement of the anger that I cannot direct at him. I can remember feeling furious over trivial things at his funeral - furious that the hearse was grey and not black, for example. And I guess I approach many threads on MN with a readiness for anger. I wish I could drain it off somehow and bring my compassion more fully to life.

Your children would choose for you to be here every time, OP.

My brothers and I are all in our 50s. I'm the youngest and have escaped the worst effects. I have a severe lack of confidence and bouts of depression. My elder brothers have rarely held down a full time job, never bought a house, never learned to drive, never had a long term relationship, never had children. One still suffers PTSD and depression. The other is bi- polar with episodes of psychosis and is an alcoholic. It completely wrecked them.

My Dad committed suicide when I was 4 and my brother 1. He used carbon monoxide in the car in the garage of the bigger home we were in the process of moving into.

It’s a complex one. I don’t have many memories or have consciously missed him as I think I would have done if I’d been much older.

I can remember thinking it was somehow my fault. I didn’t like staying over at the new house as a siren of an emergency vehicle frightened me in the night there once. He was staying there a lot during the move. I felt bad that I’d left him there alone and should have still stayed despite feeling frightened of the siren so he wasn’t on his own.

I think this has affected me because I have tried desperately to help others suffering from depression to my own detriment, because I was unable to help my Dad.

I also felt uneasy as a child as I wasn’t explicitly told how he died until I demanded to know at 14. I was aware a 38 year old doesn’t just drop dead out of the blue, so had my suspicions. I don’t blame my Mum for deciding not to tell me though.

My Dad was very easily stressed by money, and I do think the pressure of moving to a bigger, more expensive home got to him. It’s made me so cautious with money that I’ve never had a credit card and refuse to move, we constantly save and live frugally, as I don’t ever want to feel like he did (being of a similar temperament).

My Mum booked my Dad doctor appointments which he wouldn’t attend. He booked holidays abroad he couldn’t afford in the Winter as he was desperate for sun. I can only hope that nowadays, people feel they can talk more openly and see their GP for the help they need.

That is so sad, @OutandAboutMum1821 - the four-year-old you finding a way to make herself feel guilt and responsibility in relation to her dad.
That happens so often in response to trauma. We find whatever way we can to blame ourselves. I think it is because we are trying to create narratives that give us some sense of control over things that are terrifyingly beyond our control. We fabricate ways in which we might have had the power to change the outcome - but the fictional/hypothetical control generates the sense of responsibility that torments us.

(Last sentence edited for clarity)

Thank you for your kind message.

You are very perceptive and completely spot on. Having a sense of control can be very reassuring. I’m very hyper organised, do things way in advance of when they need to be done, arrive too early, etc. I definitely like to have a sense of control over my day which is a bit excessive 😂 I don’t like the feeling of anything going wrong (even though I know rationally they are minor things that don’t really matter if that makes sense).

I am a survivor myself and I understand your point- it’s not great to say to survivors of this type of bereavement that their life is wrecked etc etc it’s a very valid point. I’ve been on the receiving end of it. But I think to be unscathed or relieved is far more rare. For the majority it’s utter devastation.

I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’ve been through 💐