OP you haven’t said why you’ve posted, but please, if you are feeling this way, speak to someone so that you don’t carry this alone. Your GP, the Samaritans, there are people out that that can help.
My mum took her life when I was an adult, but she had made several previous attempts extending back into my childhood and possibly before, so I knew from quite young that she was suicidal at times - although she also had very long periods of time when she was well.
My dad died when I was 7 (not from suicide), so I lost the illusion of the permanence of parents very early. After he died it was just my mum and me, and we were extremely close.
My mum’s father had also taken his life, when she was a teenager. I think once she found out what had happened (several years later) she couldn’t get past it. She used the same method as he did.
It’s hard to disentangle the impact it has. I’ve heard others say it too, that it is like a bomb going off. It’s true - the reverberations last forever. I recently had to explain my mum’s death to my daughter, as she asked directly what had happened. This brings it all back, and then hands on the fear to another generation.
I think I’m mostly ok these days, at least on the surface. It was nearly 20 years ago. I have a husband and children, a secure home and a job I love. But it all feels very fragile, like it could disappear without warning. I fight very hard with myself not to be over-protective of my children, and I’m inwardly in agony at times if they give me the slightest reason to worry about them - I try so hard not to let it show. I’m hypervigilant for any indication of suicidal feeling in everyone I care about. I know what it’s like to have the police turn up on the doorstep with the worst possible news, and I am petrified of experiencing that again. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD after her death. I think about her most days. I’m envious of people who have family get-togethers.
I’m conscious that I always say I’m fine, and always have. I remember after my dad died that I would gloss over his death if anyone asked about my parents, and would pretend I didn’t care, because it was obvious to me even as a kid that it made adults feel uncomfortable (and this was following a bereavement without the additional complications brought by suicide). I very rarely talk about it and most people don’t know. I only ever seem to talk about it on here - I could never be this open to anyone in real life.
Early bereavement from any cause fucks up a child’s sense of safety, and suicide is so much more complicated. The “what ifs” are so painful, and can leave such feelings of guilt. My mum’s illness and suicide attempts left me feeling responsible for keeping everyone safe, even when I was still a kid. I really struggle with this still. It’s very lonely. When she succeeded in killing herself, I felt like I’d failed to keep her alive.
Sorry that was far longer than I’d expected. TLDR - it is never the answer and whatever has happened, your children are better off with you here.