What does parental suicide do to a child?

[Halycon]

I know the Google answers about the terrible consequences it can have for a child in the short and long term, but did any of your parents end their life? Or do you know someone who was in this position?

What was the impact, really?

Yes. My dad said he’d kill himself. My brother 16 said Go on then. And he did. My brother died at 22.

It damaged me and my siblings for life. It’s the worst thing you can do to your children. You never get over it

I’m so sorry X

My husband killed himself many years ago leaving me and my 2 children, aged under 5. It was an absolutely appalling time but I decided that for my children's sake I had to do everything possible to make their life as normal as I possibly could. Luckily I was able to move near my parents who gave us all invaluable support and my father was a wonderful male role model to them. I also chose not to have any further relationships so I could devote my life to them and for them not to have to deal with any more changes in their lives than they'd already experienced.

Both were teased at primary school about having a dead father, fortunately the school was right onto it and dealt with it very well. We didn't really talk about it although I always said I was happy to answer any questions. At about 16 the younger one decided they wanted to know everything about what had happened so I did explain, it seemed to help them. The older one did not want to know and has never asked.

Very luckily, they have both grown up to be happy, well adjusted, empathetic, successful people who have both married wonderful people and are very content with their lives. Of course it had an impact on them, how could it not, losing a parent in any way is bound to. But the death of a parent doesn't automatically mean the children's lives will be dreadful and they will suffer from poor mental health.

One of my children actually says that it has an effect on him in a positive way, in that he always pushed himself to do well at school and aimed high, because he never wanted anyone to say "look at x, what a loser, but it's because he's got a single mother and is the child of a father who killed himself". He is very ambitious and that's led to his very successful career, who knows whether he would have achieved that anyway, it's impossible to say.

I think it depends on a lot of factors, but for a child to lose a parent under any circumstances is very traumatic for them and will have an impact on their life.

My friend found her Dad when he died, suicide was the suspected cause of death, however at first the police were not sure, it was eventually ruled as suicide. This had a massive impact on my friend, who was in her early 20's at the time, she has commented a number of times that the worst part is thinking he chose to leave her and his young grandchildren.

Why are you asking OP? A close family member (now very old) lost her father to suicide when she was 9. Her mother, aunts etc kept this hidden from her till she was much older (she knew he had died of course). I would say she is one of the most sane, loving, kind and balanced people I know. She had a large loving family of aunts, uncles, cousins who were constantly around and looked out for her and her siblings . Of course she and her mother suffered terribly and my relative went into psychiatry as a profession, I’ve always wondered if it was as a result of her childhood. She made a long and loving marriage too which must have helped.

I'd just like to say, well done for doing the very best for your children in such awful circumstances, I'm so glad that they have done well in life. I do think this is lovely to hear, yet sadly quite unusual, many children find themselves with a remaining parent with MH issues, or who just can't cope with what happened and ultimately fail them. I think with your own, its is their age and your positive actions and selflessness that have helped them be who they are both then and now. I'm confident if I'd have had support when I lost my parent I'd not have been through the hardship I have and my life would ultimately look very different. Despite grief, I did have a positive mindset and determination, and wanted to make them proud, I've worked hard from being at school, volunteered, cared and not sat around feeling sorry for myself, but sadly due to not being able to see the people around me for what they were, and the dangers that presented themselves to me, it has been like swimming through mud for most of my life. Still, if there is something I've learned from it all, is that I want to equip my own as well as I can to deal with life and have the best support around them should anything happen to me or DH.

My dh took his own life. My ds has been permanently changed by it. I have done what I can to try and make sure he is OK, and he is doing all right, but it isn't good, how could it be?

Professsor green talks about it a lot in his music and in documentary

It will fuck them up forever and they will be more likely to end their own lives in future as result.

I was 21, my brothers were 18, 16 and 5. It screwed us all up to be completely honest.

One of my brothers found my mum, he spent the next 10 years as stoned as humanely possible. Another brother went silent, basically just stopped talking unless absolutely necessary, neither of the oldest brothers had any kind of meaningful personal relationship for a good 15 years after mum died. My youngest brother grew up without a mum, he missed out on so much and has very few memories.

My friend at lost her dad this way, when she was a teen. She's had a difficult chaotic adult life, but her dad was a violent, abusive man and her life would have also have been hard if he had lived.

My DF took his own life when I was in my twenties. It completely altered the course of my life. I made choices and decisions that I would not have done had it not been for the way he died. And I’m still feeling the effects of those 25 years later.

I had a friend whose father killed himself when she was 18. She took her own life last year. I don't think it's something a child can ever fully recover from.

Yes, all of this.

I had a school friend who lost her Mum to suicide when she was early teens. She went off the rails, drinking, running away, I also suspect drugs but no real idea.
We lost touch when I went to Uni and she sadly also took her own life in her late 20’s, after her Dad had died of a heart attack, she never got over it.

It fucks up your life and casts a very long shadow over all future relationships.

This - times a million

Read Joey Essex’s account of the impact his Mum committing suicide when he was 11 has had on him, ‘My Mum ended her pain, but what about me?’. I read that interview in a newspaper shortly after I had decided to end my life. My children were young at the time, and after reading that interview, and especially that line, I knew I could not.

I’ve seen another thread about this.

A school friend lost her mum this way snd she was profoundly damaged by it. Another friend lost a parent to suicide as an adult and it was deeply traumatic. I would say that suicide casts a grim shadow over the survivors’ lives that they can never, ever escape.

OP if you are struggling right now please know that things can get better and that suicide will only pass your agony on to your loved ones.

Happend to one of my friends as a child, 4 kids.
So many consequences. The adults all have fairly messy, risky lives, very low self worth. They are each still heartbroken 20 years on.

One of my uni friends dads killed himself whilst we were all at uni together. Should have been the time of her life but it was ruined. She has always hated him for what it did to the family left behind who struggled in so many ways financially as well as emotionally. She has never forgiven him. Worse still her brother also died by suicide many years later. He had never got over her father’s death. Whilst this is anecdotal it is also statistically true that suicide risk is increased in the families and friends of those who die by suicide. It’s not wholly explained by biology either. The idea that ‘they would be better without me’ is always untrue. For the love of god OP if this is anything you are considering please get help instead.

I want to go easy on you OP as I feel you probably need to seek medical support, but in an awful way reading the below might help you take that step.

Absolutely horrific.

My Father was an alcoholic but took a load of tablets and drank a lot of whiskey to speed up his demise.

It ruined my entire childhood and caused irreparable damage to my mental health.

My Mother then became an alcoholic and completely neglected and abused us.

It also destroyed his parents who died not long after. His siblings were obviously devastated.

Some of my siblings have come out of it much worse than me. It’s awful to witness. One of them has made many attempts on their life with long lasting impact.

This is of course my experience.

There was not the support available today in the 80s. Please go and seek medical support.

My Great Grandmother died by suicide when my Nan was a baby. She’s early 90s now and still talks about it. One of her brothers found her. The siblings were all split up and they had no relationship until later in life. She’s in sheltered accommodation now and she hates Christmas, birthdays etc because everyone talks about happy times as a child but she feels she didn’t have any. I can tell when she’s feeling low because she talks about it a lot.

So it’s affected her for over 90 years

I don't know what your situation is, OP, but my best guess is that at least part of your motivation when asking this question is to communicate to the bunch of randomers on Mumsnet that you feel suicidal. I do understand the pressure to communicate such difficult and desperate feelings, but I also can't help but feel pressured and almost manipulated by the communication. Mention of suicide feels like saying "Look, THIS is how bad I am feeling; you MUST listen." Again, I understand the need to exert this pressure, but it is pressuring nonetheless.

Of course, as a Mumsnet randomer, I'm not likely to be desperately traumatised by you placing this burden on forum users, but it does give me some clue as to how your children might feel if you went ahead and completed the gesture.

My son did actually kill himself. He just did it. He didn't talk to us about wanting to do it. He just did it. It seared my mind. Like searing meat in a pan, it sealed me, cut me off from my own feelings. So I don't really know what the fuck I think about suicide anymore, except that I feel how pressuring it is when people just talk about suicide, let alone actually committing it.

Thank you Plasticacrobat for posting this in clearer terms than I was able. My dh died by suicide. This resonates.