Going through a mental health crisis at the moment. Constant anxiety which peaks to the point where I retch which terrifies me as I have emetophobia.
Then came my struggles with eating. Knowing I need to eat but feeling sick and not wanting to. Every day is a struggle to eat. All I do is think will i be able to eat today? Will I have a panic attack and retch today? Will I be able to control my brain? Will I ever get better?
Been to gp. Started on sertraline on 8th March, 200mg started on 11th April. Still getting adrenaline dumps all the time which make me feel awful. Mitazpine was also added a couple of weeks ago to help me sleep and maybe aid anxiety symptoms. Was given diazepam but never taken it as know its addictive and I know how i am and if something makes me feel better I won't stop taking it.
I think about just wanting to end it all on a daily basis. My family don't deserve this, to have me as there mum. I have two young kids and terrified the impact of a mum that cries all the time is having on them both.
I've had my struggle with emetophobia since I was a child, but this anxiety with eating is a whole new level and I just don't see how it is going to get any better. Nhs referred me to eating disorder service but said that will take at least a few months before I am seen. All I do is think about my anxiety. It's horrific. Like my brain is playing is playing its own torture reel all the time.
Husband is supportive but doesn't understand how anxiety can affect me so badly and doesn't get why I can't just not think about things. My close family mostly know how bad I am. But they are getting frustrated with me I just know it.
Going to see a private psychiatrist as nhs won't help, but i feel he's not really listening to how bad I am anxiety wise and how I can't eat much at the moment. Just gets hung up on the depression and suicidal ideation. Encouraged me to take propranolol for physical anxiety symptoms and wasn't worried about long term diazepam use which concerned me.
Just don't know why I am writing this really. Because I'm scared. All the time.