Cant do life anymore

[potterface29]

Going through a mental health crisis at the moment. Constant anxiety which peaks to the point where I retch which terrifies me as I have emetophobia.

Then came my struggles with eating. Knowing I need to eat but feeling sick and not wanting to. Every day is a struggle to eat. All I do is think will i be able to eat today? Will I have a panic attack and retch today? Will I be able to control my brain? Will I ever get better?

Been to gp. Started on sertraline on 8th March, 200mg started on 11th April. Still getting adrenaline dumps all the time which make me feel awful. Mitazpine was also added a couple of weeks ago to help me sleep and maybe aid anxiety symptoms. Was given diazepam but never taken it as know its addictive and I know how i am and if something makes me feel better I won't stop taking it.

I think about just wanting to end it all on a daily basis. My family don't deserve this, to have me as there mum. I have two young kids and terrified the impact of a mum that cries all the time is having on them both.

I've had my struggle with emetophobia since I was a child, but this anxiety with eating is a whole new level and I just don't see how it is going to get any better. Nhs referred me to eating disorder service but said that will take at least a few months before I am seen. All I do is think about my anxiety. It's horrific. Like my brain is playing is playing its own torture reel all the time.

Husband is supportive but doesn't understand how anxiety can affect me so badly and doesn't get why I can't just not think about things. My close family mostly know how bad I am. But they are getting frustrated with me I just know it.

Going to see a private psychiatrist as nhs won't help, but i feel he's not really listening to how bad I am anxiety wise and how I can't eat much at the moment. Just gets hung up on the depression and suicidal ideation. Encouraged me to take propranolol for physical anxiety symptoms and wasn't worried about long term diazepam use which concerned me.

Just don't know why I am writing this really. Because I'm scared. All the time.

Please hang in there, whatever it takes. Keep talking to people, keep going to doctors, keep taking the meds, seeing the professionals

i hear the despair in your post, you are not alone and can get through this, your babies do need you xxxxx

You are doing all the right things to get through your illness, depression is horrible, it’s like riding on a rain cloud constantly moving, eventually the clouds part and sunshine emerges and you look back and you’re so pleased and proud of yourself for keeping going in what feels like against the odds. I promise you it does get better. Xxx

Also to add, there will be at least one thing a day which is positive so right it down, soon you’ll have two, and it’ll grow, no matter how small, something like you reaching out with this post. As you read back you’ll start to see more positive than negative, see it what it is, and illness, which needs treatment to get better, you’ll be kinda to yourself. Xx

Didn’t want to read and run but as your husband and family are not able to help much at the moment, you need to go back to your GP and say you are suicidal. If you are not up to talking just show them your post. They should give you crisis assistance.

I am so sorry you are struggling. Know that your children are helpless in this situation and will suffer if you are not here. Sending you hugs and prayers 🌹💐

Hi Honey

I am so sorry you are going through this. Take the diazapam. It will only be a short time. It is given to offset the anxiety you can feel while the sertaline is kicking in as this can take up to six weeks. It will give you some relief and space to manage your symptoms. Take each hour at a time. It will pass. 🌸

Hi OP, hope you are OK. I wonder about trying a female private psychiatrist. I just feel like women listen to what other women are saying more. This may or may not be the case but sounds like you are paying for some who is not that helpful and not listening to you properly.

Think about what you’ve said, you would rather consider ending your life, with all the lifelong pain that entails for everyone in your life, than take a drug that could help and that you could also be helped to stop taking in the future - when you have recovered. Out of those two scenarios there is one obvious choice.

You don’t need to speak to a GP to access the crisis team. Literally google crisis team in your area and the number will come up, you can self refer to crisis team for support - they aren’t always super helpful though but can be, just to manage expectations.
what are you already doing to help manage your anxiety? It won’t simply disappear without you taking some action I am afraid. Try 4/7/8 breathing, body scans, meditating, if you feel dizzy spin on an office type chair this randomly helps. There are lots of free resources online for managing anxiety but you have to take the steps to start doing them. Get outside everyday. There was a really good podcast on this recently with Mel Robbins, might be worth a listen. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you for all the responses. I'm trying everyday, I get up, I try and distract myself. I take my kids to school, I try and be present despite that being really hard to do.

@IcyAzureMoosei went to the crisis team earlier in March but they weren't helpful at all, just told me they no longer have a psychiatrist in the crisis team. I've had rounds of cbt, emdr, private hypnotherapy and it all does nothing. Feel stupid for not being able to focus on my breathing to calm myself down.

@Ukholidaysaregreati wish I could but I've gone through the priory and apparently don't have a female psychiatrist near my area.

@Fastingandhungrywriting down the positives seems impossible when I no longer feel any joy or hope.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I should take the diazepam. I used to have emetophbia with terrible anxiety attacks and it really, really helped. I can totally relate some of how you are feeling and I hope you find a way to learn to relax. The relaxing part is critical. I’m a lot older now and don really suffer from it at all. I’ve never been drunk though!

How are you today @potterface29?

@allthepeachesawful. Just don't know how things will get better. Feel sick with my anxiety which affects my eating which makes it worse.

Not sure if I should call the doctors but to be honest I think they are tired of dealing with me.

I think everyone is tired of dealing with me.

I really know this feeling that everyone was tired of dealing with me. I went through something similar and I constantly felt like I was a burden to my doctors, my partner, my therapist, and to my friends and family. But I PROMISE you that’s your brain being unhelpful. I can now see that anytime I thought they were sick of me, it was just them not knowing what they could do to help me. It’s your brain playing tricks on you. How long have you been going through this crisis? Can you remember a time when you felt good?

Hello OP, I’ve recently posted about starting sertraline for emetophobia, OCD and anxiety.
You are not alone, I know that because I feel very very similar to you right now.
I also feel like a burden to all the people trying to help, but it our brains fighting against us.
sending you so much love

Is there anything you think you would be able to eat? If so stock up on this so you always have some. When I am feeling nauseous and can't eat I try and have kiddies yogurt tubes or a small mug of smooth soup as it is more like drinking than eating. Then I am less panicked about the fact I haven't eaten. I am usually most nauseous in the morning and then later in the day I am able to eat some 'proper' food.

Hey OP, do you think the sertraline is helping at all? I was on it a few years ago, waited 6 weeks and still an anxious mess not eating or sleeping. Switched to citalopram and 90% better in 2 weeks

Please stay 💛 keep fighting.
It’s a big fight and a long battle but you’ll get there.
You haven’t given up yet, you deserve to come through the other side of this x

Your kids need you more than you know, crying or not. I don't have much advice I'm sorry but your family will not be better off without you please remember this and take any help that is out there. It will get better

Take the diazepam.
If they're offering it then you need it.

Hi OP, I have been in similar situations due to overwhelming anxiety before. You try everything but your brain won't shut up and is your own worst enemy. I can hear and read that at the moment you can't see the wood for the trees (something I empathise with you about totally, as you can't recognise it in yourself at the time).

Take. The. Diazepam.

Take. The. Propranolol.

They are not a cure but a short term coping strategy. You're doing everything else. I TOTALLY understand the fear, but as others have said you won't feel the need for it forever. Think of your thoughts as symptoms of your illness, this is what they are, they are not truth, although they feel so strong you simply can't believe they are not truth. If you had a headache you'd take painkillers.

You have 100% success rate of getting through each terrible day so far, you might feel like a bedraggled, knackered, completely 'done', worn out shitty pile of crap but you've succeeded. Give yourself a pat on the back for that and your brain a well deserved rest with the diazepam, please.

It is ABSOLUTELY not forever. You WILL feel slowly better at some point. It's not going to be tomorrow, or the next day, it will come xx

Whatever damage may occur from your children seeing you cry every day is not a a drop in the ocean compared to the damage you would do to them by killing yourself. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I say this with love, truly.

How are you OP? Been thinking of you x

Can you manage stuff like soup, milk shakes,ice cream?

Didn't want to read and run. I can somewhat relate, esp lately iv been feeling low, anxiety through the roof and feeling of worthless. I also suffer from an eating disorder and was in recovery alot better but recently how iv felt has had impact on this.

Feeling how your feeling I'm not surprised ur eating isn't what it normally would. Only thing I can suggest is even if it's somthing small try eat little bits because not eating will shrink your tummy and make u feel sick when u do try. Little bits is better than nothing. As for how your feeling, you won't feel like this forever, which I know is hard to see, but u got this. Try keep your head up and think of your little ones. They love you unconditionally. I keep going for my kids.
Sometimes just having somone to listen can make a big difference so if there is anyone you feel u can open upto then maybe share how your feeling. I hope your doing okay, one day at a time, baby steps. The fact your getting help is an amazing first step